To not fly to NZ for friend's wedding?

[babybrain77]

Very close friend from school has met and is marrying a man from New Zealand. She has lived there for a couple of years and wedding is set for January 2020.

I have a DS who will be 10 months old at the time of the wedding. DH is a teacher so cannot attend as it's during term time. I have said that I won't be able to go as I don't want to be so far away from DS and don't want to take him with me to get discombobulated by time zones and temperature changes for a really short trip.

Friend says I'm selfish and that I should leave DS with DH. I can afford the flights although it would probably mean no big family holiday with DH and DS. DH would be fine alone with DS for 5 days - he has spent a lot of time with him over summer holidays whilst I've been back at work. Other close friends agree with friend getting married, that IABU missing the wedding when DS won't even remember me being gone.

I'm now starting to doubt myself and am feeling like a crap friend. She flew to the UK for my wedding last year and she won't have a lot of friends or family going over to NZ. I think I am struggling with the idea of being the other side of the planet from DS, rather than the time away (I would literally fly there for the wedding and come back the next day).

AIBU to want to stay home?

I do tend to think not being prepared to leave your 10 month old for 5 days with his father when you know he will be fine is a bit precious, though.

It’s so interesting how different viewpoints on here can be. I’d never think of this as precious just normal. And tbh I’d find it a bit neglectful if someone did go to NZ without their baby. You really can’t get back if there’s an emergency, and you can’t explain to a baby why a parent has disappeared. I just don’t believe that wouldn’t have an effect on the baby’s sense of security, even if they don’t actively remember it.

Your friend is in for an unhappy time if she expects to have her UK friends around her at times like this. That’s not what moving so far entails.

I think that her first reaction is to call you selfish means that there's no need to give it another thought.

When she came for your wedding she maybe also managed to catch up with family & friends.

You can't make it into a family holiday due to your husband's work, don't want to leave baby, don't want o take him.

It does seem a bit as if you are looking for reasons not to go, but it's not up to her to start the name calling just because she doesn't like the reasons.

Mine would probably be that I just cba!

I would literally fly there for the wedding and come back the next day

It doesn't sound like you've ever done the trip. It would mean around 50 hours of not sleeping, then a whole day of partying. Are you sure you're still a fun person to have at the party after 50 ish hours of no sleep? Because when I arrive down under I feel like a hungover dead zombie. Same for everyone I know.

I dont think YABU at all The fact that you have a baby obviously takes precedence .This is an obvious comment from a non parent really! Just send a nice gift and explain your reasons to friends here .When people live a long way away this is a drawback that they expect ! You could not possibly go for such a short time you would be completely exhausted!

What might be a better plan is to save up some more and go with your family before your child is 2 (because then you don't need to pay his seat yet). She might even like that better.

@roses2 this was my thought. The issue here is that she made the trip for the OPs wedding. That’s why she is upset.
OP has said she can afford it (admittedly with some sacrifice) and her DH seems prepared to look after their DC (again with help). From the friends perspective there is no barrier to her attending.
OP my advice to you would be to think long and hard about the decision as it will likely end the friendship if you don’t go.
This is coming from someone who chose not to fly to their friends wedding abroad because I was 7 months pregnant and it was a baking hot country. Technically I was able to fly and could afford to go, but I just didn’t want to. Luckily my friend was understanding.

She's going to be very busy in the run up to the wedding, and on the day you'll hardly get a chance to speak, and afterwards, presumably, will be dashing off on honeymoon. So, there's not going to be much of a chance to actually see your friend if she is, indeed, your friend

Tell her you'd rather come out after the wedding so you can see her.

YANBU with such a huge journey that would require putting aside the budget for a family holiday but not all being able to travel together it is a huge ask. As much as you want to support your friend in this new chapter of her life she is being unreasonable to not recognise that your life has new priorities that trump flying for a fI'll day to see someone sign a bit of paper and eat cake.

Tell her you are seeking guidance from Greta.

In all seriousness, don't do it. As other posters have said it will be fairly gruesome, cost a fortune, is far from environmentally friendly and you will almost certainly regret it. Send her a nice present via an online outlet and plant a tree in your garden (if you have one) in celebration of her marriage which she can then come and look at when she is next in the UK.

I do tend to think not being prepared to leave your 10 month old for 5 days with his father when you know he will be fine is a bit precious, though
That's a difference between going to somewhere in the UK where you can, worst case scenario pay for a very expensive taxi, or even somewhere say mainland Europe where flights are short and being in the other side of the world a day away at leasr

Don’t go .Too far ,too expensive,too disruptive!! From reading your comments you will not enjoy the trip and you will be worrying too much about your baby. . If your friend doesn’t understand , then she is not worth the trip anyway. My best friend came over from NZ to bed my bridesmaid but she was single and child free . If she hadn’t come I would have %100 understood her reasoning.

Do not attempt to fly to NZ and back the next day! That is sheer madness. You need to stay a week at least. That is practically the longest haul the planet offers and you'd be certifiable when you got back.

I'd ask to borrow or rent somebody's bach* (and take bubs with you, or hire a little Maui van for two. Make it the first big adventure for you and your DC. Why go all that way and not have a peep at life down there? It's addictive...

*say 'batch': it's a beach house but not usually a shack these days.

I went to Australia for a big family occasion (not a wedding, an ordination) with three children under four minus DH who was working. I stayed a fortnight because I knew I'd be mazy when I got back. Travelling long haul with a baby you get lots of help from cabin crew on a big name carrier.

it would probably mean no big family holiday with DH and DS

Insanity. Skype her and send her a massive present if you can afford it (or a really thoughtful one). It's a really, really, really big ask. She really can't expect people to fly to another hemisphere to watch her get married.

Why not suggest she live streams the wedding? You could do your make up and wear a fancy hat (and your pj bottoms so you can dive back into bed afterwards lol) & you'd be "with her" on her big day without having to spend all that money and time.

@MouseMartin yes I agree with you. Your idea is far more moving and thoughtful and really thinking about the future of the planet for the children is far more important - it would be fantastic to plant a tree and see it grow

Yanbu. You are already seeing a bit of a gap between you and friends due to.different lifestyles, it will only widen if their attitudes are 'you are selfish.'

You say your friend emigrated in the last few years to NZ? In which case did she live in the UK before? I don't see that because she flew for yours you owe her for hers anyway but there's also a massive difference between flying long haul for a few days holiday and flying long haul to see friends/family and have a longer time of it.

Being a total boring pragmatist.

I think the fact your friend flew to the U.K. for your wedding was returned, in kind, by you and DH when you visited her last year.

I certainly wouldn't go alone or with a young baby but would offer to visit her again at a later date when all the family can travel together and you can financially afford the trip.

What's the worst that can happen? She takes the huff, calls you selfish again etc. She now lives on the other side of the world so how often will you see her again anyway?. The friendship will probably gradually die out over time once she has her own dc and makes more friends in N.Z.. ☹️

Well your friend is inconsiderate having a term time wedding when your DH is a teacher.

There will be people far more important to the B&G whose schedules may have been taken into account. The work schedule of a friend's husband on the other side of the world when planning my wedding would be bottom of my list of considerations.

Besides, the wedding is being held during the NZ school holidays, so maybe the B&G took those teachers' schedules into consideration instead?

OP, there is no way I'd fly to the other side of the world for a few days for any event (barring some life and death emergency, which this isn't), baby or no baby.

I left ds 10 months for 1 night - that was enough!
And it was my wedding night!
Wouldn't have left him for someone else's!!
Your friend is no friend.

Irrespective of the practicalities, I'm not sure I'd fly anywhere to attend a wedding and spend time with people who called me selfish! Putting pressure on you by calling you names isn't on.

This is an obvious comment from a non parent really!

And for what feels like the hundredth time, lots of parents on this thread have made exactly the same sort of comments as the friend.

Quite frankly it’s selfish to expect someone to fly to the other side of the earth for a wedding, it’s not like she’s dying. Your friend sounds incredibly self centred.

I would have been distraught without my babies for a few days when they were that young. The thought of being so far away in case something went wrong, I just wouldn't cope. I'd never have expected a friend to do something that made her so uncomfortable.

To answer some of the questions:

Yes - when she came over for our wedding, she stayed in Europe for 3 weeks, catching up with family and friends and travelling around with her (now) fiance. If DH and I could do similar, we would. Three of our close friends from school are going and making a big trip of it. The other is also a teacher so can't attend. I don't think she has had a hard time from others because she can't go due to work, whereas I am making a choice.

In terms of going myself with DS and making a proper trip of it - I could theoretically do that. But if I'm going to incur the cost (financially and time) to do a big adventure, I would want my DH to be included. I'm sure that makes me selfish, more so than not wanting to leave DS at home, but I think I would be quite hurt if the situation was reversed.

We have done the trip before and I fly a lot to the West coast of the States where I have family so am reasonably experienced with jetlag. I think I could probably cope ok, but I have no idea how DS would handle it if I were to take him along. He has never been a good sleeper and the thought of turning his (already non-existent) routine on its head fills me with dread. To the poster who asked if I would still be fun after 30 hours of travel/no sleep... I'm not sure how much fun I am at the moment in any case (see above on DS sleep!)

Re. the environmental cost - noted and agreed on all of these points.

No way would I go. A huge flight for 5 days away from your baby, to spend the entire time fighting jet lag to go to a party where she won’t have much time to spend with you anyway? No thank you.

Surely it would be better to visit some other time as a family and you can all see her for quality time?