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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not fly to NZ for friend's wedding?

226 replies

babybrain77 · 28/10/2019 22:32

Very close friend from school has met and is marrying a man from New Zealand. She has lived there for a couple of years and wedding is set for January 2020.

I have a DS who will be 10 months old at the time of the wedding. DH is a teacher so cannot attend as it's during term time. I have said that I won't be able to go as I don't want to be so far away from DS and don't want to take him with me to get discombobulated by time zones and temperature changes for a really short trip.

Friend says I'm selfish and that I should leave DS with DH. I can afford the flights although it would probably mean no big family holiday with DH and DS. DH would be fine alone with DS for 5 days - he has spent a lot of time with him over summer holidays whilst I've been back at work. Other close friends agree with friend getting married, that IABU missing the wedding when DS won't even remember me being gone.

I'm now starting to doubt myself and am feeling like a crap friend. She flew to the UK for my wedding last year and she won't have a lot of friends or family going over to NZ. I think I am struggling with the idea of being the other side of the planet from DS, rather than the time away (I would literally fly there for the wedding and come back the next day).

AIBU to want to stay home?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 28/10/2019 23:52

Absolutely not worth going for five days. You'll be wrecked the entire time you're there. If you can't go for any longer / as a family, don't waste your money. Your friend should understand this.

PurpleDaisies · 28/10/2019 23:54

Although I would be more likely to call it the other SIDE of the world.

Then you should have written your own post instead of quoting mine. Your pedantry doesn’t make you look clever.

JoanieCash · 28/10/2019 23:56

I’m having similar dilemma with wedding in Oz, only it’s term time so I’d have to go and leave dc. My husband would be fine, and probably kids too. I concluded the minimum length of holiday would need to be 10 days due to jet lag etc. In the end I’ve decided not to go as I just feel it’s so so far to be apart (and I’ve travelled to South America for 5 days work without kids etc, so am not a complete wuss). However, the response I got from the bride and groom was full of understanding. I’ve said to DH we will go visit them during a school holiday at some point to show it’s not them we’re rejecting, but just bad timing.

HotChocWithCream · 29/10/2019 00:01

If couples choose to get married abroad then they are entirely within their rights to do so. However they simply must accept that a significant number of invited guests will not be attending (for numerous perfectly valid reasons).

Your “friend” is being completely unreasonable.

thisneverendingsummer · 29/10/2019 00:02

@PurpleDaisies

You should have written your own post instead of quoting mine. Your pedantry doesn’t make you look clever.

Blimey, who pissed on YOUR chips? I didn't mean any offence, and I wasn't being 'pedantic..'. Or trying to 'look clever.' I wasn't criticising your post at all..

I just meant that Yeah, New Zealand IS really far away... In fact, not even halfway round the world, but actually the other SIDE of the world. I was just making conversation, not criticising you. You are literally taking offence for nothing.

Don't worry, I won't bother 'quoting' you again. In fact, I shall avoid any communication with you at all, if you're going to be snappy and salty. Confused

violetbunny · 29/10/2019 00:02

I'm in NZ and there's no way I'd expect someone to fly all the way from the UK for a wedding. Especially as it's summer so peak season, and you'd have had to have booked months ago just to get a decent price on flights. Coming all this way for a short trip is madness. DP is from the UK and he only goes back every second year, I never go with him due to the cost and distance!

LimpNightshade · 29/10/2019 00:16

I was in the opposite situation in that I got married in the UK but a large proportion of family lived in NZ. We sent out formal invitations to those relatives but made it clear we had zero expectations that they would make it! We knew they would just appreciate having the same invites as everyone else so as not to be left out. As it happens, one party did come and that was wonderful, but I certainly wouldn't have guilt-tripped anyone who didn't!

Mamboitaliano · 29/10/2019 00:22

No way would I go. And I’m glad she’s shown her true colours by calling you selfish - now you can just feel glad you haven’t wasted money, holiday, time and emotions on going to the wedding of someone who is actually a cow.

PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2019 00:27

@thisneverendingsummer apologies if I’ve misread your post-emphasising with the caps lock really looked like a correction, and I’d argue that “halfway around the world” and “the other side of the world” have exactly the same connotations about how far away somewhere is. NZ is the opposite side of the world to the UK. If you were to fly all the way around the world and back to the uk, NZ would be half way (depending on exactly which path you took). Either way, the op’s friend is wrong to call her selfish for saying no.

I’m in between pain killer doses, plagued with insomnia and more grumpy than normal. I hope reading your post back, you can see how it might have looked like an unnecessary criticism.

Jessie192 · 29/10/2019 00:28

No, you're not being unreasonable. The situation you're in right now is different from when your friend flew over to your wedding. The timing is unfortunate. Wish you find a solution that you're happy with!

Countryescape · 29/10/2019 00:31

If she flew to your wedding you should definitely fly to hers. You are being very selfish. Your baby is old enough to leave with your husband.

Bluerussian · 29/10/2019 00:36

Your friend will feel differently and understand when she has children of her own. I don't think it would be right for you to leave your baby for five days when he is so young. Even if he is OK (& I think he would miss you), you'll be worrying.

It's sad to miss your friend's wedding but I think you have a very good reason for doing so which, hopefully, she will accept.

thisneverendingsummer · 29/10/2019 00:38

@PurpleDaisies

Thank you. Smile

It's OK. And I apologise if it came across as a criticism. It really wasn't. Flowers

I was just saying 'it's even further than halfway across the world, it's the other side of the world!' Just kind of emphasising that NZ is reeeeeealy far.'

(Even if they do both mean the same thing..) Grin

Didn't mean it to come across like I was correcting you. Just kind of making conversation. As I say, I'm sorry if it came across as correcting you. I didn't mean for it to. Smile 👍

shazkiwi · 29/10/2019 00:39

24 hours flying time, + transit time + check in time + travel to & from the airport. You are looking at a journey of 35 hours +. If you take DS you will get minimal rest time on your journey and DS will wake up at 3.30am for 1 whole week. Which will of course make you super energised and capable of rational thought. NOT. In return you get to spend 6 hours at a wediding & reception which you have no hope of enjoying or remembering. Your DH can't look after your DS during term time so what does she think you're going to do? This is one of the harsh realities of being an expat and yes she needs to learn and accept - otherwise her expat life is not going to be very happy.

PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2019 00:40

Your friend will feel differently and understand when she has children of her own.

Will she? The poster above you has children and is saying to leave the baby...

PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2019 00:41

@thisneverendingsummer I guess mumsnet’s shortest bun fight is officially over! Grin

ineedaholidaynow · 29/10/2019 00:47

countryescape all because the friend came to OP’s wedding doesn’t mean OP has to go to hers. Circumstances can be different; financial, workload, amount of annual leave, partners, children etc

Also I assume the friend originally came from the UK so possibly combined her trip for the wedding with catching up with other friends/family. Whereas OP would simply be going for the wedding.

As I said above DH and I went to a wedding in Australia but this was before DC and we made a big holiday of it. If we were invited to a wedding now in Australia we probably wouldn’t be going as our circumstances are quite different and we have different responsibilities.

And you certainly shouldn’t be guilt tripped into going.

thisneverendingsummer · 29/10/2019 00:50

@PurpleDaisies Grin

To not fly to NZ for friend's wedding?
Fantail · 29/10/2019 00:56

I’m from NZ and live there now and there is no way that I would expect anyone to fly to NZ for a wedding (or anything really). It’s a long way and very expensive, and that’s without having to factor in a baby.

I wonder if she is facing the reality of what life will be like living on the other side of the world from family and friends. She will miss events in the UK and family and close friends will miss being there for her.

Having lived in the UK for almost 6 years it is hard at times, but it is something that you have to factor in to your way of thinking.

tentedthings · 29/10/2019 01:48

The carbon emissions of your return flight to NZ would be 6.7 tons. That's 1.5 times more than an average car emits during a whole year. This sort of trip is completely unsustainable. We all have to think about our travel choices if we care about our children's futures.

kateandme · 29/10/2019 02:11

can afford it but not holiday.enough
going just for the wedding.enough.
traveling to the other side of the world.enough.
hub not able to go.enough.
all these things are more than enough NOT to go that before you add a baby which makes it way further past that line!eeeeeeenough.its a perfectly reasonable no op.she' eithe rbeing a shit friend or wedding diva.either way.nah.

Derbee · 29/10/2019 02:11

I wondered how long it would take for the eco warriors to start harping on about how you shouldn’t fly due to carbon emissions. Presumably we should choose a cut off date, and then never see friends or family again, who happen to be in a different country than us at the time?

CJsGoldfish · 29/10/2019 02:19

For a close friend, I would go. Especially considering that she came for you.
People get so dramatic over these kinds of posts but, really, if you want to go baby will be fine. If you don't want to go, that's also a valid choice.
Your friend may not understand and that's also ok.

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/10/2019 03:08

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to decline because it sounds like you can’t afford it without unfairly taking family resources for just your use. And while I think families can go without a bit to support something important to one of family member, I don’t really think attending a friend’s wedding is a big enough deal to expect others to sacrifice for you.

I do tend to think not being prepared to leave your 10 month old for 5 days with his father when you know he will be fine is a bit precious, though.

Leontine · 29/10/2019 03:14

Baby or no baby I wouldn’t be going to that far to attend a wedding. I wouldn’t even consider it.