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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 28/10/2019 11:24

I'd be more gobsmacked that she thinks someone in your home might do this on purpose!? I mean, she's been your friend for 20 years. Even the loveliest of 7 year olds might have done it by mistake, or not realising it was bad, but her feeling that this is purposeful and vindictive is beyond odd. And I'd be telling her that. I'm sorry your friend is being so silly.

AloeVeraLynn · 28/10/2019 11:25

How odd!
I'm not sure what to suggest. I think I'd just tell her "I am not defensive, I'm disappointed that you believe any of us would do this particularly after how we have supported you."
And then leave her to it. You don't need to entertain it.

ISmellBabies · 28/10/2019 11:25

Tell her to get out of your house, rude cunt!

thewinkingprawn · 28/10/2019 11:26

I think I’d just say that it could have been done anywhere, unlikely it was in your home and you don’t appreciate her attitude to you all over it and would like an apology. I have to say I would also be annoyed that she’s contributing so little to the household yet can splash out on an expensive jacket.

CrotchetyQuaver · 28/10/2019 11:26

Oh dear. It doesn't sound like she's prepared to listen yet alone believe a word you say, so I think I'd be putting on my brave girl pants and telling her you'd like her and her possessions gone by the weekend as you're not prepared to put up with this nonsense from her.

Winterdaysarehere · 28/10/2019 11:27

Well she needs to move out then ... She has no faith in you or your family..
And tbh she sounds on the verge of a breakdown...
Possible?

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:27

Thanks Bling.

I hit post too soon as well....

I have spoken to everyone....DS is an honest boy..even if it gets him in trouble...and he wouldn't know a fancy new coat from the many others hanging there anyway...so wouldn't have singled it out.

I mean AIBU to be so fucking shocked that she won't even consider it happened elsewhere, and that she would think that of me/us??

I'm fucking heartbroken.

OP posts:
ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 28/10/2019 11:28

Ask he to move out this friendship is over op.

BeesKnees4 · 28/10/2019 11:29

I’d be more pissed that she’s spending £150+ on a jacket whilst living on the cheap in your house. Tell her to find somewhere new to live, she clearly can afford to.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 28/10/2019 11:29

So she's got no money but can afford a Barbour coat? I wonder if she's 'projecting' that you're annoyed she did this rather than offer you money for bills/food etc?

I'd try and talk to her again, say that you're sorry it happened but it wouldn't have happened under your roof and if she continues to accuse you she'll have to go. I wouldn't stand for being accused of this by anyone stating in my home.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:29

Thanks everyone.

This is the weirdest row I have ever had with anyone....ever.

And I never minded the cheap rent cos she's my mate and she's done me many favours over the years.

She seems to have got it into her head that one of us resents her or something??! Confused

OP posts:
LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 28/10/2019 11:30

cut off the fucking sleeve, brandish the scissors at her and say "this is how to cut a coat"

and send her on her way, she is no longer your friend.

Does she seriously expect to remain as your lodger after this?

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 28/10/2019 11:31

oooh and try and do it with pinking shears....nice zigzag effect edge!

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:32

I wonder if she's 'projecting' that you're annoyed she did this rather than offer you money for bills/food etc?

I hadn't considered this, but it's just not that kind of friendship IYSWIM?

We just do each other favours when we can....don't keep a tally of them, money spent or anything.

I'm so fucking shocked.

OP posts:
MakeItRain · 28/10/2019 11:33

I think you just need to tell her that you're devastated that she could believe that of you or your family and that she obviously now needs to move out ASAP. Don't get into her arguments about you "looking guilty/acting defensive". Just say "no I'm not feeling guilty/defensive I'm just so upset to think you believe that of me". Say nothing else. Hopefully she will move out and you can move forward from this.

You can't possibly know what's motivated this but I don't think you should tangle yourself in knots about it. Hurtful though it is you just need her to move out and put some distance between you.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:34

cut off the fucking sleeve, brandish the scissors at her and say "this is how to cut a coat"

Normally I laugh at stuff like this....but this is what I mean...even though I'm really upset and angry I just can't imagine doing something like that to her.

OP posts:
CathyorClaire · 28/10/2019 11:34

So she's been living in your house pretty much at your expense to save money which she's then flobbed on an expensive coat she says someone in your house has damaged.

Time to bring that arrangement to an immediate end.

ajandjjmum · 28/10/2019 11:35

I would suggest that she stops buying expensive coats, and puts her money towards finding proper accommodation. And put a time limit on it.

In view of the longstanding friendship, I would perhaps say that maybe you can get together and talk this through after a few weeks, when you have calmed down, to see if your friendship is worth continuing?

Laiste · 28/10/2019 11:35

So how was it left? You left the room ... have you said anything else? Is she still in the house?

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:38

She's gone out without saying a word.

I was too shocked to even fucking speak after that.

I feel like I've gone mad this is so so out of character for her.

OP posts:
GrimalkinsCrone · 28/10/2019 11:39

Is she struggling with anything else? You said housing issues, was she booted out of somewhere, was she looking for other accommodation whilst living with you? Because if this level of paranoia is unusual for her, then it may be symptom of other, more serious stresses. Doesn’t excuse her behaviour, but it might be an explanation.
Could you sit down calmly, tell her how upset you are and ask her if anything else is stressing her because, it’s not her usual style. And yes, how close is she to moving out and becoming independent again?

Roussette · 28/10/2019 11:40

Lana how awful for you to be accused of this, especially when you've gone the extra mile putting her up in your house etc. You need to tell her that. Why would you be doing her an enormous favour if you resented her?

It must be so so hurtful especially when you've known each other so long.

Similar has happened to me (friend of 50 years!!) just turned on me about something that was all her fault. Guilt, resentment, who knows. I was beyond shocked. We are still in contact but I'll be honest and say the real friendship has not recovered. We're polite with each other but it's all a facade. And I hate to say it, but unless your friend backtracks on this, it might well end up the same for you.

Sparklfairy · 28/10/2019 11:40

This is awful. I do think she's projecting some underlying guilt that she's paying so little. I'm pretty direct so would say you've spoken to everyone, no one has touched the coat and she has no way of knowing when or where it was done and express your disappointment that she would accuse you like this. Then I would tell her she can find somewhere else to live by whatever date she's paid up until.

Surely by now she'll have saved up enough to rent a room somewhere.

Charm23 · 28/10/2019 11:40

I'd find it extremely hard not to tell her to get the hell out of my house straight away. I hate people making assumptions like that, it's so rude especially after all the support you are giving her.
Maybe have a final calm word with her about it and then both sleep on it. I would then expect her to realise how crazy she was to suspect you/your family and apologise.
If she keeps banging on about it I'd assume the friendship can't survive and tell her to pack her things because you've got a sudden urge to slash her remaining belongings.

breakfastpizza · 28/10/2019 11:40

It took me a long time to realise this, but I now think allowing friends to stay long term in your spare room/flat is the same as lending people money: it never ends well.