Massive weird row with friend???

[LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut]

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

It would really hurt me that my friend would even entertain the thought that someone might've cut her stupid coat, let alone directly insinuate it was me. How utterly insulting, and hurtful.

I think you should make it very clear that you are outraged that someone with whom you have shared your home would make such an accusation. Are you planning to ask her to leave? I honestly don't think I could continue to share space and cook meals for someone who thought I deliberately slashed her coat.

It does seem like a monumentally stupid thing for her to have done, in the circumstances -- given what a cushy situation she has with you. I assumed from your original post that you'd offered her a room because she was having some kind of emergency, but if she's only trying to save on rent in order to buy a house, then that's her own affair. Which she's now wrecked, anyway. Her houseshare with her friend may be lively, too...

I've been a bit of a fucking mug haven't I??

Well, yes, but a generous one. Unfortunately, your generosity is being exploited and now thrown back in your face. Not only is she not grateful, she's aggressively on the attack. Surely you don't want to go on living with someone who thinks your capable of sabotage? I think in your shoes I'd be worried she would try to damage something of mine in 'revenge'...?

This is a bit bonkers.

I wouldn't write a letter - this prolongs the issue and gives time for things to grow bigger.

I'd have a frank conversation along the lines of "dear friend, what is going on with you? You are staying with us becasue we love you and want to HELP you out. But, if you think we did this to your jacket and will not consider it was damaged elsewhere then you need to move out".

It's not like she has nowhere to go. She has her mum's place and I'm sure the dogs she doesn't like can get the blame going forward.

Can anyone help me with a calm rational text?

I don't want to threaten her with being chucked out, I want to try and salvage this if I can.

But now reading some of your replies maybe I should do that?

I'm so so fucking confused and upset.

Maybe she does have shit going on I don't know about, but that doesn't excuse this.

I need to be clear it was certainly no one here, but that I am very very upset.
I also don't want to sound defensive or aggressive.

ARRGGGHHHH.

I just don't know what to do for the best...it's like I'm paralysed by shock.

Thank fuck for the vipers to make me feel a bit less mad.

I'm also wondering if this is her way of dealing with feeling really vulnerable. Perhaps it's easier for her to live with this version of events than the previous one (where some might say she's been taking advantage of you).

That doesn't mean you have to put up with it though. I think I would text her today to express how shocked and upset you are to be accused like that, especially after making her so welcome. I'm pretty sure I would invite her to leave. How much notice I would give might depend on how she responded.

I think you should just text to say you don't enjoy being made to feel the way you are now feeling in your own home and you would like her to have moved out by next weekend.

She is probably blaming you to make your insurance pay. She can't get that any other way (work, herself etc.)

No sure she's your friend, more likely a user.

I've been a bit of a fucking mug haven't I??

I dont think so at all OP. You sound like a good friend. And she has taken advantage of that. Big time

But she's just not the avenging type IYSWIM??

She's never done anything like this before.

I'm wondering if she's having some kind of breakdown, actually. This level of paranoia isn't natural, even from someone who feels guilty about staying without paying. There were so many better ways that she could have brought up the subject, but the abrupt 'I KNOW it happened here and one of you did it' without even stopping to think it might have happened somewhere else, and brushing off everything you say because she 'KNOWS' what happened...

I think it speaks of something deeper going wrong with her MH. Maybe a gentle questioning might reveal more? If not, and she holds to her story, then she needs to go.

I wouldn't send a text or talk to her until you are feeling a lot calmer. Nothing good will come of responding while you are still so upset.

Can anyone help me with a calm rational text?*

'Hi CF
Im still really hurt by your accusations this morning. I have checked again with everyone here and as i thought, this was not done inside MY house. I think to ensure this does not happen again and to avoid any unnecessary fallout, you need to make plans to move out. Let me know if I can help with anything'

When she returns tell her clearly that if she so strongly believes that someone in your household would do that then she can pack her bags and leave. Incredibly ungrateful on her part

I’d do this right now.

A bit of an odd thought, but the first that crossed my mind..

Perhaps she has realised now she shouldn't have bought the coat/couldn't really afford it, so is accusing you/your household in the hope that you will assume it was your child and offer to pay for a replacement/give her the cash?

Either way, an awful way for a 'friend' to behave.

Ask her to leave - give her a week or two notice to move out. And make sure she doesn't damage anything of yours before she goes,

Think testing may have it, or could she have borrowed it, needs to replace it and is chancing her luck? But you'd have to be of very bad character to do that!

And I also can't see her doing it to get money out of us.....for a start she knows damn fucking well we don't have the money to replace it.

I'm just utterly utterly gobsmacked that she is sooo convinced it happened here, and that the first place she went to is that one of us did it with scissors.

(Apparently she did a "test" with a friends old one and according to her there is "NO WAY" it could be an accidental rip- which tbh even when she said it I was like...really?)

And she kept going on about it being like a locked room mystery as it could have only been one of us (even though she's taken it out a few times) which really fucked me off cos we ain't in an Agatha Christie novel.

Also wondering why she hasn't accused to other friend whose house she took it to. (I don't like this friend- he's a snob- he's also the one whose jacket they "tested" on)
Starting to get a bit fucking angry now actually.

Thanks for letting me vent and sorry if this is drip feeding but the more I read your replies and the more I think about the row the more fucking weird it is.

.

I wouldn't send a text or talk to her until you are feeling a lot calmer. Nothing good will come of responding while you are still so upset.

Surely that depends on what the outcome the OP wants is? I certainly don't think there's any harm at all in the OP making her disbelief, hurt and anger very plain to her friend, who seems to have cast her as the landlady, when in fact she's a very good friend compromising her own and her family's comfort and privacy purely so that this woman can save for a deposit and expensive coats.

I have a friend (I'll call her h) who moved a (mutual) friend in and had a similar living situation as you. Friend had own bathroom, bedroom and could use a large second bedroom as a living room if she needed it for privacy but otherwise had the run of the rest of the house as a flatmate and they shared the living space.

The friend she had let move in (for very little or nothing) was fine at first but slowly she became more and more off with the h and started making little comments or would make h feel like she was being difficult over tiny things.

It culminated in a bit of an argument where the friend one day without warning just basically accused h of being up herself and smug in her big fancy house and making friend feel small. H was terribly upset because as far as she was concerned friend was welcome forevermore, she had the space, felt it was helpful and infact a weight off her that the empty rooms were getting use so she didn't have to worry about cleaning them etc and didn't even once think there had been a problem (from her side) and told her that.
The friend did calm down and although didn't actually take it back they found a way to pretend it had never happened go back to a way to live together.

Once she moved out they went back to normal and it's like they had never had any issues! except the never mention having lived together

anyway after that massive post my point is H like you was absolutely fine with the situation and it didn't cross her mind there was ever going to be a problem but the other friend I think felt very vulnerable, she couldn't get on with the feeling of being below or being beholden (not even true) and instead of facing that and having a chat with her friend it manifested itself in putting all those feeling on to the friendship and twisting it to the other friend being responsible for her feeling bad about herself.

Well if I was going to text and I'm not sure I would I would make it just about the issue nothing about all you have done for her as that is likely to go badly in my opinion something like

Df, I'm so hurt and upset that you think anyone in my family would deliberately spoil any of your things. I am honestly so confused that you would think that of us I don't know what to think and where we go from here.

Leave it open then you can decide about kicking her out based on her response.

Yeah I think I'll leave the texts till after lunch, but any suggestions are welcome for when I do text.

I'm kinda hoping she's gone to her Dad's, who I know and love, and that he'll talk to her.

If she's gone to snobby friend he'll just wind her up more (he really doesn't like me cos I'm a scummy lefty crusty)

I've been a bit of a fucking mug haven't I??

Yes. She's a user. You're effectively paying to keep a 'friend', who demonstrates this by treating you like shit and accusing your child of ruining her precious fucking coat (that she feels entitled to over standing on her own two feet and paying her way like everyone else). If I were your partner I'd have thrown her out then and there (if it were my house, too).

No way I'd have her in my house now.

She's been using you.

Fuck chats and talks and support for her.

Text her. "How dare you accuse us of ruining your fucking coat (that you wouldn't have been able to buy except for our subbing you)! Sick of being used by you. Some friend. You need to get out of your house by the end of the day. I don't want to share space with someone who treats me and my family like liars and vandals all whilst in our space for next to nothing.'

What that poster said it right, this is the same as lending money.

I’ll be honest if a friend accused me of being vindictive and spiteful I would have to take a break from the friendship as i know personally those sorts of comments eat away at me. I could not share my home- my place of safety and rest with someone who thought so little of me and my family.

FWIW Lana I have a barbour (admittedly relatively old) and I caught it on a thorny shrub whilst out walking and it ripped it. They're not totally damage proof. She could've caught it anywhere.

I can imagine you are very hurt. You need to challenge her on it. Tell her how hurt you are, give it a chance maybe... but it's up to her to apologise for even beginning to think you would do this deliberately.

I tried with my friend I fell out with many times... saying is 50 years of friendship worth falling out over, can't we make up and put this behind us blah blah. It didn't work. Yes we still are in each others lives but nothing nothing like it was before... it was like all the resentment she'd ever had just poured out and she is glad we are now not close. So hurtful.

Absolutely awful for you