Massive weird row with friend???

[LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut]

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

On the bright side she’ll be out of your house soon enough - I pity the person who is buying with her. Are they also a mate of yours?

I honestly think she's accidentally damaged it herself, is pig sick about that and trying to throw blame.

Yep. I don’t think she was necessarily aware of doing it at the time. But it’s much more likely that it was damaged when she was wearing it than that a 7 year old went after it intentionally and she knows this.

Im definitely not saying h or you were actually making any comments that could be construed as digs.

I'm just saying your situation seems except for the coat to mirror my two friends situation and it just did not work for them. She just couldn't see clearly due I think to her own feelings brought on by feeling vulnerable and saw things and construed things that in other circumstances she would never ever have thought about her (h) friend!

Once she moved out the mist seemed to lift and she went back to seeing h with all the love and respect she had had for so many years.

It was all very weird but I suppose (as I wasn't in it) an interesting view on how circumstances can affect human behaviour.

Apparently she has spoken to several friends and they all agree that it couldn't have been a rip??

Tell her to ask her 'friends' then why Barbour have a repair service??

What a horrible thing to do. To be garnering opinion left right and centre. Does she think that will make you say you cut it when you didn't??

Do you think now that she's got a job she can afford to move out and wants to but doesn't know how to tell you so she's come up with this nonsense to force the situation?

I'd send 'dear odd friend, I'm very hurt that you would think anyone in my family would maliciously damage something of yours when we've welcomed you into our home for the past x months. I wouldnt like to think of you living with people you don't trust so if that's the case I completely understand if you want to move out as soon as possible'

And re: money....she knows we have no savings, she knows we just about scrape through each month with just about the odd spare tenner.

In fact she was there last month while we tried to work out a meal plan cos we only had £30 to last as we had an unexpected expense.

She does buy her own food....but I generally cook in huge batches so there is always some spare, and I (probably fucking stupidly) always offered her some.

The reality is that very few people would in RL take the hard line that they're advising - I know I wouldn't.

Nope, plenty of us really would, mainly because we've been used like this before and learned from it (L, the pestguest from Hell, thank you for the lessons you imparted to me and DH). Honestly, people who are entitled don't usually project or spend 1/10th of the time people like the OP spends thinking about most things, they buy the coat because well, they like it and don't really give a fuck about the wider paradigm of not paying much rent and sponging off other people. There's already no friendship and the OP is already starting to realise how the 'friend' treats her - not inviting her out, snotty friends who look down on her (the OP). Bet if she spends more time really looking at this 'friendship' rather than on how to tread on eggshells around this gal, a lot will become clear.

All too often, things like this are the scales that drop from the other person's eyes.

Believe me, she isn't giving a moment's thought to this other than somehow getting her hands on a new coat or the money, whilst the OP is over here analysing it and wringing her hands. This person will not engage (she already hasn't) and will dig her heels in. Because in her mind she's entitled to a new coat.

I don't know, I have a slightly different take from some PPs, you say she has just finished her Masters, has a great job lined up and is saving to buy a property, so she is not at all in a vulnerable position, quite the opposite, plus, she has friends she socialises with and does not include you and a snobbish friend who doesn't like you...

I think she actually fancies herself superior to you, and egged on by Barbour Boy, has decided that you must have damaged her expensive coat out of jealousy and spite, she (they!) can fuck off frankly!

Penelope, what you post would be valid if she hadn't been: i) paying a very minimal rent while buying expensive jackets (wouldn't any decent person be completely ashamed to do such?), ii) going out with other friends while not bothering to invite the OP, and iii) being so extremely persistent (to the extent that she is performing experiments, real or fabricated, on other people's coats) to convict OP or someone in her family of this 'crime'. To me, that all adds up to a degree of contempt for OP (sorry to say it, OP), and so I don't, sadly, think this performance is as out of character as it appears.

And yeah the person she's buying with is a mutual friend...but much more hers than mine.

Weird fallings out with friends are the pits. You don’t know what’s what and who’s in the wrong or what was misconstrued etc etc etc.

This is 100% all to do with something going on with her. I suggest if you can send a text saying “I’m in [costa] at [x] time - before you come back to mine we need a chat; can you make it?”

You have a chance to ask what’s really going on whilst gently reminding her via that text she’s at your house.

OP if you need to don’t be afraid to say “ok, I’m sorry it’s come to this but you’ve got until [Wednesday] to pack up and find alternative accommodation. I just can’t have you under my roof if you honestly think any of my family would stoop so low”.

Sounds like the friendship is virtually dead in the water anyway tbh. Giving it a mercy killing may actually get you the closure you’re gonna need.

I hate that people are telling you to chuck her out or cut her loose, when this is a 20y friendship - and it's your friendship, not theirs.

People are picking up on the fact that despite the fact that the friend has outrageously abused the OP's hospitality and generosity, the OP seems primarily worried about upsetting her. Maybe there's a patter of the friend behaving badly and the OP appeasing her. I think the hardline posts are merely pointing out that the OP in fact holds all the cards, morally and materially, here, but is behaving as though she's actually at fault. Unfortunately, for the friend to have accused the OP of deliberately damaging her property, it's pretty clear that the friendship is a one-sided affair, that the OP may be better off out of -- equally unfortunately, a significant number of friendships will not survive sharing a house..

OMG OP my blood is boiling for you.

Tell her that she needs to be gone by the end of the week. She can go to her mum's or her posh friend's.

PATTERN, not 'patter'.

Find the money to pay for the coat, even if you have to borrow it. Give it to her, and give her a week's notice to GTFO of your house. And don't speak to her again. Chalk the money up to a life lesson.

And just in the time I was taking to post that, more came out: she has no problem eating your leftovers when she knew you had 30 fucking quid to eat on, she's gone bleating to other people about her bloody coat and then come back to you and told you 'They all agree with me!'

She's a bully and a user.

Really, just think about those two things alone, OP, this is all not 'out of character' for her. This is who she is.

@Drum2018

I don't want to threaten her with being chucked out, I want to try and salvage this if I can

And there you are, being a mug again. You need to put yourself and your family first and if she has accused you of tearing her precious expensive coat then she can make further accusations. Get her the hell out of your house asap. If she has so many other friends she won't have a problem finding another bed.

Totally agree with this.

Oh, I would give her a chance to rethink and reflect on exactly what she has accused you of. I would want a heart to heart about it, if only to make sure she understood exactly how hurt you are by this.

If she didn't then walk back on this, it will be difficult for the friendship to recover

Knowing that you don’t have much spare doesn’t mean she wouldn’t think she was entitled to compensation if you damaged her property.

I think that either she has an underlying mental health problem (which I think would show itself in other ways quite quickly) or it's as another poster said, that she can't cope with the perceived power imbalance. Personally, I think that you never really know people as well as you think you do and that most people are capable of doing things that would be seen as out of character. Maybe I'm cynical. But I think that you need to stick up for yourself and ask her to move out ASAP. Maybe the friendship can recover, but I don't think she can carry on living with you now.

@verticality

Find the money to pay for the coat, even if you have to borrow it. Give it to her, and give her a week's notice to GTFO of your house. And don't speak to her again. Chalk the money up to a life lesson.

No, no, no. Don't give her a penny. She has used OP's hospitality and OP did not damage her coat. OP needs her money herself.

Find the money to pay for the coat, even if you have to borrow it. Give it to her, and give her a week's notice to GTFO of your house. And don't speak to her again. Chalk the money up to a life lesson

You are having a larf aren't you????

That is a clear cut admission of guilt. No one would pay for something they haven't damaged.

Nope, plenty of us really would, mainly because we've been used like this before and learned from it

Many on here don’t have many friends though. Call themselves introvert, socially anxious, non-confrontational etc.

I would give her two weeks’ notice to move out, due to her accusation.

The person who told the OP to pay for the coat is being utterly lunatic. Not only can the OP not afford to pay for someone else's coat, as she and her family are barely managing to eat, but as a pp said, it's an admission of guilt where there is none!