Massive weird row with friend???

[LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut]

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

I don't want to threaten her with being chucked out, I want to try and salvage this if I can

And there you are, being a mug again. You need to put yourself and your family first and if she has accused you of tearing her precious expensive coat then she can make further accusations. Get her the hell out of your house asap. If she has so many other friends she won't have a problem finding another bed.

'Angela, I am devastated that you would think so little of me and my family that you accused us of damaging your property. I think it best for everyone if you gather your belongings and find alternative accommodation asap'.

No, you're not a mug, you're a nice person. I'm one too. Or I used to be, until I realised that people will take the piss - now I'm an assertive person.
I can't help with a calm text, as mine wouldn't be, in this situation, but one thing I will say, is you should document in it that no one in your house damaged the coat. If she is planning an insurance scam, then make it clear you're playing no part in it. No 'oh DC might have done it' or anything like that. Just be clear and direct that no one in the house caused the damage.
The more you write, the more she sounds like a taker and a user, and I'd be making plans to evict her as soon as possible.
Do everything calmly, be beyond reproach, and should you have cause to touch any of her belongings (try not to) then video the condition of them so she can't claim damage.
I've dealt with these people before, it doesn't matter WHY she's done it, what matters is that she HAS done it. You may never find out why either and I'm afraid you just have to make your peace with that.
When people show you who they are...

wow. I agree with the poster upthread who has suggested that she's projected all of this because she feels resentful that you have a roof over your head and you're the one in the position of doing HER a favour so that messes with her identity as you two being equal, so she's subconsciously invented all of this to make her the one overlooking your misdemeanour. So to speak.

Thanks Ginky.

That does kind of sound similar.

Now I'm second guessing everything I've said to her in case something could have been misconstrued as a dig??

Is it possible she’s already got somewhere else lined up to move to and all this crap about the coat is her way to exit the friendship as well as your home?
She knows she’s had an easy ride while she’s been living with you, but she sounds like a user. You said yourself she socialises without you.
I think she’s going to use coat gate as the reason to end your friendship and the living arrangements.
Can I be the first to say CoatZilla?

The thing is when she started speaking about it I did ask could it have been like an accident with a zip or something....it was hanging up with about 12 other coats....but she is convinced it could have only been cut.

She accused your kid of vandalising her coat and you want to salvage this? You can better believe she expects you to replace her coat and will even suggest claiming on your homeowner's insurance to pay for it or demand cash.

She has all these friends and a job, she can find somewhere else to stay.

Currently veering between really fucking angry, really fucking hurt, and really fucking weirded out still.

Never ever thought I'd be writing a thread like this about her, she's always been so generous with her time and other things when I've been desperate.

he really doesn't like me cos I'm a scummy lefty crusty

Hence why you slashed the Barbour, symbolic coat of rural Tories everywhere except that I have one myself, and I'm a total Red.

The more you say about her, the more awful she sounds, OP. Do you genuinely think there's a possibility that she's rushed off to a friend to badmouth you? And you want that back in your house? Suspecting you all of damaging her stuff and lying about it even as you sit around the table eating food you've cooked for her? Will your seven year old be able to go around in his own house carrying a marker or a craft scissors? Is she going to shadow him every time he goes into the hall where her coat is hanging?

I would just suggest that she asks the local dry cleaners for a price to fix it, and use the money she has from not paying you utilities to pay for it

I think she is expecting you to pay to fix it. That is why she is doing this

And I know it seems stupid wanting to salvage it, but honestly I still can't quite fucking believe she actually thinks it was one of us.

I keep thinking she'll understand but.....

I don't fucking know.

No no no it could easily have been ripped when she was out as I said upthread, barbours aren't damage proof.

Dear friend
I am devastated that you think either me or one of my family would deliberately damage your coat. Our friendship stretches for decades and therefore I am unable to come to terms with this unwarranted and unkind accusation. I think it best to put some space between us and I hope you can reflect on your unpleasant accusation.

Why is her stuff not on the doorstep after she has accused all 3 of you of a deliberate act?

You've been subbing her and this is how she decides to repay you.

I'd have to stop myself, launching that fucking coat out of the front door.

I was once accused by a long term friend of hacking her netflix account and changing it so she was charged more money. I didnt even know the password and her brother also used, but no, had to be me. That was the beginning of the end for a 14 year friendship.

I don't actually think she thinks it was DS....the way she was talking and looking at me, she thinks it was one of the adults, probably me, who did it because we have a problem with her??

''So she's got no money but can afford a Barbour coat? I wonder if she's 'projecting' that you're annoyed she did this rather than offer you money for bills/food etc?''

This is what I really agree with @MyGhastIsFlabbered

But Lana you are so obviously not that type of person. She knows you inside out. True friends don't think the worst of each other, they think the best.

I think she is behaving really badly .
She surely can’t expect or want to stay under the same roof as the alleged perpetrator of the damage to her Barbour jacket ?
I’ve got a hand me down Barbour - at the bottom hem there are a few nicks that go right through the waxed outer and the inner liner as I’ve sat down on rough surfaces and snagged it. The material can be very brittle .
Such a pity she is putting the friendship at risk like this . She needs to apologize and then pack .

OP, she is counting on you bending over backwards to smooth things over.

Tell her straight, ''this temporary arrangement hasn't worked out'' and don't feel guilty. She can go to her mum's or her dad's. It's ridiculous.

Don't bend over backwards to smooth it over. Let her go to somebody else's house.

"Dear xxx. I've been thinking about our conversation this morning and if I came off as defensive it's because I am absolutely gobsmacked and really hurt you honestly think one of us here cut your coat!!! It's insane you're accusing us given that you've taken the coat to xxxx's house and worn it out and about. I honestly don't know where we go from here. I know you're upset but I am furious someone I've shown nothing but kindness and support to could accuse me and my family of petty vandalism like this! I think we need to have a chat when we're both calmer about where whether it's best you carry on staying here. From Lana."

Oh, FFS, Lana, she will soon be back with demands to replace her coat or give her money. Give your head a wobble! She's using you all, her snobby friend isn't paying her bills, you are, now she's going to mug you off for the cost of a coat she bought off the back of your quid.

She's no friend.

CoatZilla and Hence why you slashed the Barbour, symbolic coat of rural Tories everywhere have made me laugh!!

Roussette I did wonder that about Barbours....she's 100% that it WOULD NOT RIP as it is expensive and new....but they're not rip proof are they??

What does your DH think?

I think there is an underlying MH issue. She sounds very irrational. Are drugs involved?

Op I know how it feels to have a 20 year solid friendship randomly explode one day. It’s awful. My advice is back away and cut her off. It’s incredibly painful but you will get through it. Unless of course she offers a sincere apology and explanation, but in the absence of that don’t expend any more time or energy on her.

What an utterly bizzare thing for a grown woman to accuse her close friend of, especially when you've all been so kind to her. Is it a new coat? Could have been like that when she bought it and she's only just noticed? Or if not like you say, clearly happened by accident and could have been done anywhere. To accuse you or someone in your family of doing it deliberately is beyond ridiculous and downright rude. I'mwith everyone else, she needs to find somewhere else to live ASAP. As for the friendship, if she decides to apologise i'd accept and move past it, otherwise unfortunately it sounds like it may be the end of the road for you guys. Good luck x