Massive weird row with friend???

[LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut]

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

"Mary, I'm shocked and disappointed that you think any of us would deliberately cause damage to any item of yours, and concerned about your frame of mind that this even seems possible to you. We've supported each other in lots of ways over the years - including the current living arrangements to help you out. I hope whatever is going on with you settles down because I'd like to continue to help you, but if not, I think you need to find alternative accommodation as it's not an environment I want to have DS in."

I know, I know I really need to wobble my head....

But it's so fucking hard to think that of someone who I have known for 20 years.

Oh god....I've turned into one of those posters haven't I??
The one who just can't see what everyone else can....the one where you read the thread and you think "COME ON WOMAN" it's staring you in the face!

Bloody fucking cunting hell.

Where everyone on

Absolutely not rip proof at all Lana. Mine is a bit battered now and it does have nicks and small rips in it, at the bottom too, as a PP said.
This is why Barbour have a repair service for when you do rip it!

I imagine she caught it on something, easy enough to do.

Sorry don't know what happened with that last line!

She's not only accusing you, she's discussing it & you with her other mate to the extent that they're conducting experiments on old Barbours to "prove" your guilt!!!
Tell her to go. She can move in with Barbour Boy.

I absolutely hate that argument "you're being defensive". Of course you're going to defend yourself against a ridiculous accusation, what normal person would happily accept it?
The first thought that crossed my mind about this expensive jacket, was maybe she hugely regretted spending so much on it (if she's supposed to be saving), and came up with a scheme to cut it herself and blame your kid, so you'd be forced to pay for it. Would she be that nuts? Is she that desperate to save?

Chuck her out. Today

Some really good ideas here. I especially like Drum's text. Or...

"Friend, I've got to let you know that I'm really hurt by your accusations earlier. I can't believe you think any of us would damage your possessions like that. After all our years of friendship, I can't believe that you think so little of me. I really hope that we can salvage our friendship but whatever happens, I think it would be best if you found somewhere else to live as soon as possible."

'I agree with the poster upthread who has suggested that she's projected all of this because she feels resentful that you have a roof over your head and you're the one in the position of doing HER a favour so that messes with her identity as you two being equal, so she's subconsciously invented all of this to make her the one overlooking your misdemeanour. So to speak.'

Agree with this.

Dear OP, I mean this kindly - you don't sound the strongest in the self-esteem department. It reads a little as if you have always admired this friend somewhat and that you're grateful for her friendship. She may well not be liking the current position of her having to feel grateful to you - it robs her of power and gives you some. She won't want that.

That you are angry is good. Dignified righteous indignation is what you want. Tell her calmly that you are shocked and disappointed at her accusations and their persistence, and that if she feels like that about you and your family, the trust needed among people sharing a living space is gone and your trust in her fair-mindedness is certainly shaken. She is to leave by the weekend.

She won't be expecting that. At all.

I'd send something along the lines of "Nobody in this house damaged your coat. I am horrified that you would think otherwise.We've been very happy for you to stay with us. But you've damaged our friendship and if you can't retract your allegation and acknowledge that you've been very wrong I think it would be best for you to move on."

She's definitely deflecting from her own guilt. Give her an option to fully apologise (she won't she'll dig in) or off she goes. Don't bother getting to the intricacies of Barbour coats it's pointless.

But while I'm struggling to think of her like that....she clearly thinks of me like that doesn't she?

Because my first thought would have not been that someone did it on purpose, it would have been "oh shit I'm such a fucking klutz" (and she is!)

I think it's pretty clear she's projecting her sense of guilt about buying an expensive coat when she should be contributing and agree with a pp that someone else has probably told her she's being a cf. I hate that people are telling you to chuck her out or cut her loose, when this is a 20y friendship - and it's your friendship, not theirs. The reality is that very few people would in RL take the hard line that they're advising - I know I wouldn't. That said, I think you need to talk this through if the friendship is to survive long term, and maybe it will never be the same again.

I think you need to plan a time to talk, either at home when she comes back, or head out and meet her at a cafe or somewhere. I would avoid anyone else wading in to it (e.g. your DH, who will add fuel to the fire by being protective of your feelings). I would explain to her as calmly as you can muster that no one would have done this and that you're very upset by her accusations and attitude. And then I would ask her directly if she sees the coat as a potential target because she feels guilty about buying it. It will hopefully open up a conversation about how long she's staying and how reasonable a stay of that length is, considering the inconvenience to you and your extreme generosity in offering it. You can make it clear to her that her stay should be shorter now that the cracks in your friendship are showing (if that's what you want to say). I suspect this is a conversation you should have had before but the coat argument has brought it to a head.

Or something else entirely may come out, like a mental health problem, or something that her other friend has encouraged her to think or say that she herself may not be happy about. But you won't know unless you talk to her. I would let the fact that this is totally out of character be your guide.

She has definitely outstayed her welcome. Id ask tell her to leave. I'd also look at what a reasonable rent would be (plus all the other stuff you pay for), deduct what she has paid. Write it out in the form of a bill so that if she suggests that you pay for a replacement jacket you can present her a bill of what she owes you - Im sure it will be a lot more.

Barbour Boy literally made me lol!!

Such a great description.

Am sure she and Mr Up himself can become flatmates then? The joint friends that she keeps going out with and not including you, how in contact were they when she was at uni? Is this possibly a bizzare obscure Wendyism? I.e isolate you so she can spin other tales of what's going on in her life?

You're very worried about not upsetting her, it's a shame she doesn't think the same way.

She's lived went you for months, for little rent, and say it did get ripped, her only thought is you did it. Even if you had accidentally, she should put it to the back of her mind, knowing it was an accident as you are friends. But she's accused you relentlessly, and gone out!

If this was happening to a friend what would you advise? Would you let her be walked over by a free loader.

Df, I'm incredibly upset by your accusations this morning, to try to preserve a friendship I feel it best that you move out this weekend.

No I think she just found a rip and wanted to blame someone.

I do wonder whether she wanted to ask for money to buy another, even if she knows in principle you don’t have much to spare, she doesn’t know how much you have in savings.

I think she’s most likely ripped it when it was out, but it’s not impossible that your 7 year old it did by accident - even if he did - so what? That’s the downside of living in a house with a young kid.

On the coat ... I've just looked at mine and I've got 5 small rips on it that I can see at first glance, varying from 1cm and a bit more. They've all come from pushing through bushes and branches.

I honestly think she's accidentally damaged it herself, is pig sick about that and trying to throw blame.

Why in god's name she would do this to an old dear friend, I do not know

Least said the BETTER. She may come back with an apology when she is back on her feet and feeling less guilt, inadequacy, shame, worry.

You tried to help her but she couldn't accept that in an uncomplicated way.

Tell her to get the thing forensically tested if she's adamant someone in your house has cut it. As someone said upthread, Barbour jackets do tear/rip. They're not indestructible, and are meant as outdoor clothing for working - not sashaying about.

Apparently she has spoken to several friends and they all agree that it couldn't have been a rip??

Also she has been sitting on it for a week.

(This came out in the row)

And yeah I am fucking weirded out by that as well....that's she's speaking to all her other friends about this...most of whom don't know me at all....friends in London etc.

Barbour Boy is just the nearest at the mo (next town)

Another example of ‘no good deed goes unpunished’

She sounds incredibly horrible. She’s a guest in your house, she has no manners. I’m sorry you’ve lost a friend.

In my mind there are a sensible few posts on this thread and they’re the ones you should listen to. I don’t think you’re stupid to try to salvage the friendship. You say that she is always a nice person and you have been friends for a very long time.
Lots of us sometimes have a bit of a weird moment in life. Perhaps this one is hers.
I don’t think she’s using you. I don’t think she’s taking you for a mug. This incident is what makes me think she’s having a bit of a moment.
You’re not wrong to want to salvage the friendship.
It’s easy for people to tell you to throw it away but they won’t be the one who misses their friend.
They just pile on with no real regard for your long term happiness.

Just tell her to leave.

Pack up her stuff and tell her to fuck off! She's using you for cheap digs and buying expensive coats. Nah! Off she fucks!