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Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
testingtesting111 · 28/10/2019 11:41

The fact this even crossed her mind indicates:

  1. Your friendship has likely run its course;
  2. Resentment / animosity towards you from her point of view;
  3. She is capable of thinking weird scenarios like this - could she do something viscous back to "even" things?

To be honest I'd ask her to leave immediately. Your home should be a safe place.

Laiste · 28/10/2019 11:41

I know how awkward you will be feeling. I had an old school friend stay with me once for the same reasons. Renting a room at mine v cheaply while she looked for a property to purchase.

It was meant to be for a few weeks and it ended up being for 9 months ...

It strained our relationship. I had a newborn and 2 more under 5s, my XH a dog and 2 cats. She was single and used to living alone and she was clearly irritated at the noise and activity level in the house but wouldn't bloody leave. We lost touch for quite a few years after she went.

QuantumEntanglement · 28/10/2019 11:41

She’s definitely projecting, she knows you and your family have majorly inconvenienced yourselves to accommodate her and that she isn’t contributing financially. She’s bought herself an expensive new jacket and now she’s feeling guilty because it’s belatedly occurred to her (maybe a friend or coworker has said something) that most people, if they had extra cash in her circumstances, would maybe have offered to take the host family out to dinner or bought them a nice gift for the home or a weeks groceries or offered something towards the bills.

testingtesting111 · 28/10/2019 11:42

Also she may know the cause and is chancing her luck hoping you'll buy a new one for her.

SecretMillionaire · 28/10/2019 11:42

When she returns tell her clearly that if she so strongly believes that someone in your household would do that then she can pack her bags and leave. Incredibly ungrateful on her part.

Laiste · 28/10/2019 11:43

Sorry, x posted. I was rambling on.

I agree with pp's that there might be something else going on in her life you don't know about. However i don't think it excuses what she's done today.

You need to ask her to leave i think. Flowers

bobstersmum · 28/10/2019 11:43

She sounds utterly batshit. I'd ask her to move out if she feels like that.

zingally · 28/10/2019 11:43

I feel like there is more to this story, from the friend's point of view...

I don't think you say how old you are, but I'm guessing in your 30s, and your friend is similar?

From her point of view, she's probably feeling immensely vulnerable at the moment. She's in her 30s and basically getting charity from a friend, rather than... what? Be homeless? Did she not have her own family she could have gone to? Parents? Siblings? Why did she come to you particularly?
Consider what is going on in her head. She's given up her independent life, because of some catastrophe, to rely on the generosity of a friend and their family. She's probably in quite a messed up place, emotionally/mentally.
I suspect the cut on her coat (which could have been caused by ANY number of things) was the last straw in terms of things she could emotionally handle.

She is being completely irrational, anyone can see that. But SHE can't, because of her own mental state. What she needs is support. But what that support is, needs you to decide. Yes, you could ask her to leave, but would that make the situation worse? If she's not with you, where would she go?

DriftingLeaves · 28/10/2019 11:44

Chuck her out. She's no friend.

mankyfourthtoe · 28/10/2019 11:45

Send her a text if you can't talk, and I think I'd text because everything you say/do will be you looking guilty.

Df, I am devastated that you think that I or a member of my family would vandalise your coat after we have taken you into our home.
After being accused and not believed this morning I can't see a way forward where we could live together harmoniously. Please find alternative accommodation by the weekend.

Beautiful3 · 28/10/2019 11:47

The fact that she sees a small tear in her coat and automatically assumes you or someone in your house has cut it with scissors??!!! You need to realise that this is the start of more accusations to come. Prioritise your family over your strange friend and tell her to leave asap. This will not end well.

Countryescape · 28/10/2019 11:48

I would tell her you are extremely upset she could even consider accusing you of that since you have been friends for so long. You took her into your home and this is how she repays you? Then tell her she has a day to pack up and leave.

Unwrittenrule · 28/10/2019 11:48

I would be asking her why on earth she is choosing to live with people she thinks so little of. It would be the end of that arrangement for me I'm afraid, quite possibly the friendship too unless she apologises and acknowledges that it could have happened anywhere. Any accusations of 'guilt' and I would just reply 'I'm not guilty I'm hurt' and leave it at that, no point saying any more if she's capable of thinking that of you. Sorry OP, this really isn't your fault Flowers

BlueOooChristmas · 28/10/2019 11:52

Tell her she needs to leave. She's not a friend.

magicstar1 · 28/10/2019 11:53

We’re her housing problems that she fell out with housemates? I let a friend move in years ago as his current housemates were treating him badly. He was only with me a few weeks and I had to tell him to leave as he was a nightmare. The next person he moved on to said the same.
Maybe she’s just not a good person to live with.

AmIThough · 28/10/2019 11:53

She's a twat for buying an expensive coat when she's hardly contributing anything towards the bills anyway.

I wish you had done it out of spite. What a CF.

loobyloo1234 · 28/10/2019 11:55

If she was that precious about her coat, why was it not hanging up in her room? She sounds petty and spiteful. Sorry OP, it sounds shit but I really dont think you should accept this in your own home. Tell her in no uncertain terms that she has been out of order and if she does not back down and apologise, tell her she will need to leave - for good

KindOranges · 28/10/2019 11:55

What she needs is support. But what that support is, needs you to decide. Yes, you could ask her to leave, but would that make the situation worse? If she's not with you, where would she go?

I think the OP really needs to be thinking more about why she's giving houseroom at considerable cost to her own finances, privacy and convenience, to someone she believed to be a close friend, but who has suddenly emerged as someone irrational and capable of believing her friend deliberately damaged an expensive coat, and aggressively accusing her of it. The OP's priority is her own feelings and the safety and comfort of her family, not her former friend's.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:55

Sorry laptop died!

To answer some questions.....

She finished her Masters at uni in London, left her shared place there and moved back here to save for a deposit for a place, she is planning on buying with a friend who has recently come back from abroad.

She could have gone to her mums, but frankly it's a bit of a pit, and her mum is curently putting up a sister with about a million untrained little dogs who A doesn't like and who crap everywhere.

I offered her here instead as despite having a kid it's a lot quieter and calmer!

No worries that I know of....she's just got a bloody great new job (hated old one).

I'm 35, she's 30.

I just don't get it.

I'm so fucking hurt.

I think a calm text might be the way to go but I don't want to sound either defensive or antagonistic which is probably stupid.

20 years of fuckinf friendship and she thinks about ,my family....I could fucking weep and scream and shout.

Thank you for making me feel like I'm not completely insane.

OP posts:
Stickytoffeepuddingyum · 28/10/2019 11:56

Frankly i would be saying, that you are deeply upset that she thinks that anyone in the house would purposefully do that to her and if she thinks so little of you all she can pack her bags and piss off.

LucileDuplessis · 28/10/2019 11:58

I agree with zingally. This seems so weird and awful that I think your friend must be in a very difficult place at the moment - perhaps the issues she has been struggling with, that have led to her staying at yours, have affected her mental health more than you realised?

Maybe write a letter saying how devastated you are that she has accused you of this?

AlwaysCheddar · 28/10/2019 11:58

Why is she buying g expensive costs if she’s saving? This would be it fir me, I’d send her packing. She’s acted dreadfully. basically accused your family of being the kind that deliberately ruins people’s stuff. Out of order.

LetterOfTheLawFella · 28/10/2019 11:58

I presume she'll be packing her things and moving out now that she obviously believes you're out to destroy her stuff Angry

Smelborp · 28/10/2019 11:58

She needs to move out. That her mind even goes there makes me think that she thinks that vindictiveness is something normal people do.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:59

She's always been the really nice one....
Loads more friends than me...always out or on the phone, no one would have a bad word to say about her honestly.

I will be honest, I was starting to get a little upset that she never invites me anywhere, even though we have mutual friends, and I was starting to feel like her obliging landlady rather than her friend, but thought thtat was just me....and I would never, fuvking EVER have probably said anything, never mind be so fucking vindictive as to damage her shit.

I've been a bit of a fucking mug haven't I??

OP posts:
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