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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 29/10/2019 08:21

Barbour boy is the friend who ‘tested’ the cut theory on his coat. So a bit of a posh pillock really.

MyOtherProfile · 29/10/2019 08:23

Thanks Billy. No idea how I missed that one.

Hullygully · 29/10/2019 08:33

She won't back down/apologise/explain.

She is too invested in you being the bad guy and her the victim. If you meet her with DP and DF, she will turn it into ganging up and bullying.

It's really sad and hurtful, but you are better off keeping it brief and factual.

We are devastated you have accused us.

We can't all live together after this ridiculous accusation.

Please find alternative accommodation within two weeks.

Anything else is material.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 29/10/2019 08:36

I'd assume she's taken drugs over the weekend.

scubadive · 29/10/2019 08:39

Hi op, so sorry you are going through this, especially at half term when this is spoiling your head space that should be enjoying time with your son.

There are a few huge red flags here.

She bought a Barbour coat while staying with you to save..... did that not irk you?

She goes out all the time, spending money, while staying with you to save?

She pays you no bills and minimum rent and sees you struggling to pay for gas and food but doesn’t offer more? While still going out!

Don’t the above issues make you see she was already taking the piss before the crazy coat saga.

She then accuses you of something awful, sees your upset, goes out and has a good time whilst you are left stewing.

She discusses this all with her ‘friends’.

She never invites you out.

I’m afraid she sees you more as a big sister than a friend and sisters you can fall out with and make accusations to and still expect to be there........

This behaviour would all be a dealbreaker for me, as she can stay at her mums I think you need to ask her to leave ASAP. I’d write her a letter explaining how you feel/felt, how devastatingly hurtful this has been for you and how it’s made you realise that she doesn’t see your friendship as you see it.

AND ADD WTAF WAS SHE DOING BUYING A BARBOUR WHILE LIVING WITH YOU ON THE CHEAP SO SHE COULD SUPPOSEDLY SAVE UP. CHEAKY MARE.

AndysFavouriteToy · 29/10/2019 08:40

I have a feeling she is going to come back all "oh I wasn't accusing, just wondering and thought I'd ask..." She will make out you have overreacted and are crazy defensive when she was simply "checking" if you knew anything about it. Be prepared for gaslighting and her making others think you are the crazy one.

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 29/10/2019 08:41

Good luck today OP... hope it get resolved one way or another today

MrsAJ27 · 29/10/2019 08:55

Hope she apologises

Spinderellacutituponetime · 29/10/2019 09:15

Lunacy. She’s definitely going to switch it around and make you out as the baddy OP.

highheelsandwitcheshats · 29/10/2019 09:15

Good luck today @LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut. Don't engage with her without back up.

7yo7yo · 29/10/2019 09:31

I think you should call her on it.
Say to her you are trying to end the friendship in a nasty underhanded manner by getting me to do it.
Stop trying to gaslight me and deny what you have said.
I think you need to pack your stuff and leave.

Doggybiccys · 29/10/2019 09:42

Good luck OP. I think it safe to say the relationship is over. She has spoiled it and even if she did apologise, how could you ever trust her again. I wouldn't waste energy trying to understand - unless she has some sort of paranoid psychoses, she will just twist everything to be your fault - google cognitive dissonance. Its a shame but I expect your life will be better without her in it now.

Riverviews · 29/10/2019 09:50

There were discounted Barbour jackets in tkmaxx last week. My take is that she bought it discounted and didn't notice the rip at first.

In any case, I would ask her to find alternative accommodation asap. She's brought a bad atmosphere into your home and you shouldn't have to put up with that

ILikePaperHats · 29/10/2019 10:00

Please can people stop replying until the OP comes back otherwise this thread is going to be full!!

icannotremember · 29/10/2019 10:01

She sounds like a child.

StormTreader · 29/10/2019 10:04

She will waltz in today at a time shes confident your DP and your Dad won't be there, so that they can't corroberate what she or you say.
I really wish you'd told her to get her sorry arse back last night because today will be much more difficult.

CaptainCaveMum · 29/10/2019 10:09

The worse thing is....it's half term here and DS is at home...has witnessed the row and is really upset and I don't know what to say to him
^this is the most disgusting aspect of her behaviour and the reason why you should be very wary of forgiving her. How dare she row like this in front of your DS!

AdobeWanKenobi · 29/10/2019 10:23

There were discounted Barbour jackets in tkmaxx last week

The thing with TK Maxx is not all stores carry the same stock. None around here have Barbour jackets and believe me I'm a TK addict.

DuchessMustard · 29/10/2019 10:23

@ILikePaperHats Please can people stop replying until the OP comes back otherwise this thread is going to be full!!

Yes please, don't fill it up!

mamandematribu · 29/10/2019 10:26

I would kick her out. She's taking the piss op.

DowntownAbby · 29/10/2019 10:34

She's an utter cow.

Kick her out!

GinAndTings · 29/10/2019 10:38

She obviously then would NOT want to be living with people who cut her belongings!

Time to move out!

lottiegarbanzo · 29/10/2019 10:42

Could we perhaps 'watch' (it's at the top), rather than comment now, so OP has space to update later? Halloween Smile

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 29/10/2019 10:43

Morning all!!

Sorry not updated for a while...shit to do.. I'm sure the vipers will forgive me! Wink

Wow this got a LOT of replies.....bloody hell!

Ok, just reading replies.....will update in a minute, and woah boy is there an update!

(Will also create a new thread in AIBU called "CoatZilla and Barbour Boy- the second saga")

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 29/10/2019 10:43

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