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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 28/10/2019 12:06

I was joking about her being alive I don't think posters though she was lying dead Zebraaa

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 28/10/2019 12:08

well if she's not wedged in the sash window and is full of "Maybe later" I'd get about my day and leave her be

and have a word with the DHs when they get back in, she really is being quite rude, if she wanted to malinger in her room and not mix then they should have booked a hotel room.

Waterl00 · 28/10/2019 12:10

She just sounds super self-absorbed. She is showing no interest in her husbands family at all so I would just return the compliment and forget she is there.

The contrast is interesting, the man she has married has 30 members of an extended family that rock up for a lunch to mark him being in the country for three days. The women he married is so disinterested in family she can only spare them an hour before she is too bored to stay awake and in the same room.

That marriage won't last long.

Mrsjayy · 28/10/2019 12:10

Yeah I think you should just go about the rest of your day leave her to it,perhaps the cousin knows what she is like so just left her to her to it.

RightYesButNo · 28/10/2019 12:11

Perhaps I’m reading way too much into it but she hasn’t come out in two days, tells you she’s fine, makes up excuses (she’s had two days to wash her hair), her husband isn’t concerned at all, AND she had a specialist job but apparently gave it up - those are some DV red flags for being isolated by her DH. Maybe it’s nothing at all, but it’s odd. Is she American going to India for vacation or from India and going to visit? Perhaps there is some reason she doesn’t want to continue the journey, but can’t figure out a way out.

I must be the bolshiest cow alive because when she said she needed to wash her hair and sort her things, I would have said that was fine but didn’t take two days which is why I was so worried, and that I was there for her, separately from cousin-in-law (just in case). Also, when she said, “Maybe later,” I would have pushed on what that meant, and if she wouldn’t commit, then probably further questioned whether she was ill or needed help. But like I said, I may just be the nosiest bitch ever, and that would be rude of me Halloween Confused. I just hate the idea of someone being in distress and too afraid to reach out, for whatever reason - illness, pregnancy, unhappiness, DV, or anything else.

As a totally random thought, any chance you have a dog she might be afraid of? My friend once had a houseguest do something roughly like this, because she thought it would be MORE rude to admit she was terrified of dogs. Was a bizarre weekend for them all.

Delatron · 28/10/2019 12:11

From your update she’s probably just a bit antisocial or anxious.. she doesn’t know you I guess so may not want to spend the day with you alone. She’s probably happy with her own company. Yes it’s very rude but I’d leave her be. She doesn’t sound ill.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 28/10/2019 12:12

Bit rude though

Mrsjayy · 28/10/2019 12:12

Least you know for next time that your house is being treated as an Airb&b

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2019 12:13

I think the cousin's pretty rude for not explaining more and reassuring you

DrVonPatak · 28/10/2019 12:14

Morning nausea would be my best guess, especially if there was one or two mcs that you don't know about. I lost my 4th recently at 6 weeks, had morning nausea, but after the 1st one wild horses wouldn't have dragged it out of me, because of what I feared the most. I am always awkward to be around at those times, though, because I can't think of much else but it's impossible to talk about it too with anyone but DH.

Delatron · 28/10/2019 12:15

I did this once at a boyfriend’s house. I was only about 20 but I stayed over and he went off to work. I just felt paralysed with shyness and anxiety and couldn’t go down to see his mum. The more the hours ticked away the worse it became so I just stayed in his room until he got back from work. His mum thought I was very strange and spoke to him
about it and I was embarrassed for long time. It was the first time I’d met his
Mum and stayed over.

Anyway I wouldn’t be assuming DV. I just thing she doesn’t want to engage and yes that’s rude and socially unacceptable but I’d leave her be.

Original poster
hangingabout · 28/10/2019 12:16

I do think it’s quite rude actually because if you’re ill, then you’re ill, but at least just tell people you’re ill, so they’re not worried. And if you know someone is expecting to take you shopping, then at least give them an idea of a time. The kids want to go and get Halloween stuff so so might just take them for an hour. Plus DH is useless in this kind of situation as well. He just texted to say, “Don’t worry about dinner, we’ll go out,” but I always get left with his relatives when they come, which is quite a lot.

OP posts:
hallohallohallo · 28/10/2019 12:18

she seems very shy face to face
They had the most huge, spectacular, OTT wedding last year over about three days.
She did look a bit shell-shocked at times, but who wouldn’t. Maybe the whole thing was too much for her, if she’s naturally very introverted.
They sound a very mixed matched couple OP. Who ordered the OTT 3 day wedding? Surely not the shy, introverted bride? Was it the 'friendly' 'social' groom or perhaps the parents?
Maybe she's just struggling to cope with it all? It sounds like a lot of changes in her life recently, massive wedding, leaving a specialist job, traveling abroad to stay with DH's relatives she barely knows.
It still seems very weird that her DH is acting as if the whole situation is normal.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 28/10/2019 12:21

She doesn't like you, she's painfully shy, she's embarrassed about something, she didn't want to visit and this is the only way she can think to protest...
Whichever way there's nothing you can do about it. Just get on with your day.
Do have a word with her husband though.

PhilCornwall1 · 28/10/2019 12:22

How weird. If it was me, I'd have been asking her some questions. It's bloody rude to just disappear for 2 days and say nothing in someone else's house.

Mrsjayy · 28/10/2019 12:22

Ah well your husband is putting upon you as well which really needs to stop text him back saying ok ill probably grab something to eat with the kids when I am out.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 28/10/2019 12:23

Just go about your business OP, and definitely go out for dinner...no washing up! Make sure she knows dinner out is booked too, so you are not hanging about for her to get herself ready

Maybe she'll be a bit more chatty on neutral territory if you are all out?? Plus at least you can see how they interact and see if she is like it with her dh too and be reassured it's not you!

MumW · 28/10/2019 12:27

I'd knock and say, we're going out at 1:30, if you'd like to join us. We thought we'd do x&y unless you'd rather do something else. Can I get you another drink/something to eat.

isthismylifenow · 28/10/2019 12:29

After reading your update, I think she's having a nice mooching time lounging about for a few days. Which is totally rude in someone else's house.

I would not offer to take her out again and I would go about my day. The fact she says she will let you know later makes me think she thinks that you are just on call to be there for her, when it suits her.

If they are leaving tomorrow I would just leave her to it OP.

If she doesn't want to join you going out this evening then so be it.

jetSTAR · 28/10/2019 12:31

What do you think she will do if you all leave the house and she’s by herself? Come out of her room and snoop around?

CrouchedLioness · 28/10/2019 12:33

Could she be pregnant? The eating a small amount of food makes me think that, maybe she’s got morning sickness and lost her appetite

SouthWestmom · 28/10/2019 12:37

I would have to say something.

Like how I found it a bit weird she wasn't joining us, I was worried and unless she could let me know what was going on I'd remain concerned.

Smotheroffive · 28/10/2019 12:37

What very odd behaviour.

She's not right to spend virtually the whole weekend in her dressing gown potentially, just stuck in one room and not eating enough to keep a bird alive.

I have no idea what a weird relationship with your cousin that neither you nor your DH have any clue whats going on with him and his wife.

Its also very rude for him to expect you all to just go along with al this without addressing your what should be evident worries for his wife.

Its wholly abnormal.

If its normal to her culture then its only fair your DH and yourself be forewarned of this.

If she's suffering pregnancy sickness so bad she cannot eat she needs serious help and not just ignoring. She has a long flight to india and is not well prepared for it if she's not eaten.

What a horrible imposition on you to not communicate whats going on.

Butterymuffin · 28/10/2019 12:38

I'd go back up and say you're going out at (time) so does she want to come or is she staying in for the day? And then go about your business. It's pretty anti social.

PhilCornwall1 · 28/10/2019 12:39

You could always shout up the stairs "I'm off out now" fake a front door close and then go sit in the lounge. If she comes down, I'd be then saying "so what's this all about then?".

It's crazy games, but to be honest, she's being a bit strange.