I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

[hangingabout]

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

I would definitely need to say something along the lines of you were so looking forward to getting to know her but you're worried you've upset her as she clearly doesn't want to speak to you at all.

And I think I'd go to the bedroom and ask her that myself, when he isn't with her to make platitudes. If she doesn't give an answer I'd then say the same to him.

She is s beautiful woman, so maybe this is why he puts up with her ways? God knows?

I guessed as much. This is why he’s putting up with all of it.

@hangingabout
" I don’t know why they just didn’t stay in a hotel nearer the airport. "

It's quite possible that's exactly what she wanted to do, be he didn't.

When you first started posting while they were there, I was thinking maybe she had had a miscarriage, was upset, and didn't want to speak of it.

btw -- I also had a sneaking suspicion she was beautiful. Ha.

She messaged from upstairs as she wanted something!

What a cheek. She probably complained as room service wasn't up to scratch this time.

I really do hope they do not visit again in the near future and expect you to host them again.

He went up and then came back a few minutes later to ask if she could have “plain cookies” and chamomile tea.
I think she's got him on a string.

I wouldn't have them to stay again.

I’m Indian so I get the cultural rules about not refusing hospitality despite rude behaviour etc that are expected of OP. I do agree with a pp that the expectations on you as a host should also apply to the guests too. I feel angry for OP as this is her home and her guests are not acknowledging her hospitality. Also the cousins wife’s previous career in medicine (I’m assuming in the role as a doctor) would mean she’s intelligent and needs to be fairly sociable even if she isn’t naturally outgoing. It’s not the kind of career where you can shrink into the background. I’m afraid she’s just decided not to bother with you. Maybe she wanted to stay in a hotel but he wanted to visit you guys so she’s sulking? Who knows but it will all be over soon.

Only read the OP posts to catch up. I saw the start of the thread a couple of weeks ago and couldn't believe it was still going.

Before I got to the bit where it became obvious she has always been like this, my theory was that she wanted to spend the stopover living in luxury at the Ritz, resented being put up in a relative's guest room instead, and was giving everyone the silent treatment in protest.

But yeah it's clear from her husband's anecdotes that this is simply how she is. He is unreasonable to bring her to someone else's home, not tell you anything (indeed lead to to believe she would interact normally) and leave you utterly at-sea for the duration. She wants to isolate herself that's her right but it was incredibly disruptive to use you as a stopover if she isn't willing or able to interact with other humans sensibly.

She's treating your house like a hotel. So fucking rude texting her husband instead of coming down to ask you directly. I would've said "We're not a hotel, we don't have chamomile tea. It's PG Tips or nothing." I'd also make a new rule of no food or drink in the bedrooms.

I would have to say something to him about how rude it is, and I wouldn't have them stay again, and I'd tell them why.

It's the ignoring your children that would upset me.

Go up there and throw the curtains open with the words 'time to get up bed-head or you won't sleep tonight'!

I know this sounds strange, but does she disapprove of your marriage? I have read through all of this thread but it is so long now I may have missed something, I get the impression that you are not Indian so just wonder if she thinks she doesn't have to afford you any respect - I haven't come across this in the Indian community before. It is obvious that you have a good and close relationship with your husband's family but she is from outside that. I don't mean to offend, so please forgive me if I have this wrong,

I felt quite sorry for her at first, thinking that perhaps she felt out of her depth with new family members that she doesn't know. But I now think she is coming across as arrogant and if it was me I certainly would tell DH that she is not welcome to stay again, you have now extended hospitality to her twice and she seems to treat you as if you and your family don't warrant her attention or consideration.

TBH that occurred to me as well meyouandlulutoo. I wonder if she still holds strong views on the caste system?

Slightly over-invested in this thread and actually went to sleep thinking about it last night!

Anyway, my latest hypothesis (based on nothing) is that....your brother-in-law said that they needed to stay with you as it would be rude to visit the UK and not stop at your house, and that she wasn't exactly happy with that plan. I think that's she was punishing him for not putting her up in a five star hotel or something.

Whatever the reason though, this is obnoxious behaviour.

Thankyou for all this. She said nothing to me when she left except for, “nice to meet you.” That’s it. She came down when her husband brought the cases. She had a baseball cap on today and I’d say she was avoiding eye contact. To be honest, I left them to it today as I had to take DD to the orthodontist and a few other things and DH was working from home, so I said to him there’s no point me hanging around. Apparently, according to DH, in the car yesterday, all she said to him was, “I love your character homes.” He thinks she’s shy to the point of being like an awkward teenager. I don’t know? If she thinks I’m beneath her in some way or she doesn’t like the Spanish or whatever that’s her problem, not mine, and she’s a loon for it. I don’t take anything personally these days really. I hope they’re ok. No doubt I’ll find out in the fullness of time. I’ll be sure to update via the medium of MN if I do. What a strange visit that was. I’ll chat to anyone, but she actually made me uncomfortable in my own home, which is quite a feat when you think about it. You’ve all be lovely - sorry I’m still none the wiser. Thankyou I think the thread might run out.

Just. Plain. Rude.

Thanks for updating us.

Being shy is no excuse for being rude to this level. I'm 100% in the entitled princess camp.

OP
I don't understand why you haven't contacted that inlaw relative who knows her well. This is about my fifth time mentioning it on the thread but you never answered my postings

Sorry bean. I suppose I feel like it would be going behind their backs or being gossipy. Even though I could talk about this to relatives, I feel like it’s not my place to ring them and it’s more of a big deal with them being overseas because it’s not as if contact is that regular.

Could you do it subtly ?
Just say they had called. The rude visitor's sil might then make some comment.
I understand you don't want to cause trouble.

Most people would bring little gifts for the children and engage with them.

"Nice to meet you"? But, she met you last time! What an odd thing to say. No, "Thanks for your hospitality, and I'm sorry to have been so rude"?

"Nice to meet you"

"And you, please take a moment to leave a review on Tripadvisor." 😉

It's weird, I don't think it's DV, but I think this is the way she is as in she doesn't se the need to speak to you as she feels your beneath her, surely whilst her husband is out and about he would've called/txt to see how she is and normal ppl would be shocked that she is cooped inside the bedroom and not socialising with his sil. I reckon she didn't want to stay with family and would've much rather got a hotel but had to go along with it due to her hubs. I think he could be telling her how to behave to a certain extent. I know someone that wouldn't allow his wife to speak to us and told her to literally answer yes or no. She too would just stay up in her room. Only now has she started talking to us after having a child, but we can tell by his face that he isn't liking her talking too much with us.

I totally know what you mean by you get the vibe she just wants to be left alone. Her maybe later clearly means no! I think she wanted to do things with her husband whilst being here. I can't believe she would thank you for bringing her food upstairs as though that is what she is expecting of you!! Instead she should apologise and insist on coming down and eating. I get ppl with anxiety being shy nervous, trust me coz I am, but female to female is so much more easier, you've been so kind to her and that still hasn't made her warm up to you which just means she doesn't cAre.