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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 10/11/2019 22:45

I'd be asking relatives how she was in India, if she managed to be social there I'd be very offended that she couldn't do the same here.

DishingOutDone · 10/11/2019 22:59

But wouldn’t you at least say something like, “How are you?”

I'd think YOU would at least say something OP, something like "not this again, she's incredibly rude and you owe us an explanation".

I still don't understand why you won't simply come out with it and ask.

mankyfourthtoe · 10/11/2019 23:17

Don't be shouting up is she ok, does she need anything.
I'm in the rude princess camp now.

Pumpkintopf · 10/11/2019 23:17

Agree she sounds exceptionally rude and evidently can't be arsed to even be civil.

museumsandgalleries666 · 10/11/2019 23:19

I think the girl is simply aloof and uninterested in her hosts and can't be bothered to socialize. She sounds like a spoilt princess who has form for taking to her bed rather than engage. I feel sorry for her husband. This is going to be a long boring marriage.

Ginfordinner · 10/11/2019 23:23

I think you need to just come out with it and ask 'Is she like this everywhere she goes?'

Please do this ^^

TheReluctantCountess · 10/11/2019 23:28

It’s so rude.

StCharlotte · 10/11/2019 23:29

Hmmm. I've read all the OP's posts (I think!) but skimmed the rest so apologies if it's been suggested before...

What would happen if you said to her DH that you were offended by her behaviour? In the same way that you are expected to behave in a certain way as host, in my book there are also requirements as a guest and it sounds like she's meeting none of them.

Or when they leave just tell her she's a bloody weirdo!

restingbitchfacenot · 10/11/2019 23:32

Pregnant and jet lagged? Perhaps she feels inadequate. Is she alive even? It sounds suspicious. I'm going with pregnant

Ginfordinner · 10/11/2019 23:37

What would happen if you said to her DH that you were offended by her behaviour? In the same way that you are expected to behave in a certain way as host, in my book there are also requirements as a guest and it sounds like she's meeting none of them.

Interesting points restingbitchfacenot

TatianaLarina · 10/11/2019 23:40

So was she jet-lagged when he tried to propose several times?

He’s just not really quite dealing with reality.

Butterymuffin · 10/11/2019 23:42

Rule of British social interaction: it's rude to say that someone's being rude, even if they're being unbelievably rude. You then become the one in the wrong. No, I don't know either.

katewhinesalot · 11/11/2019 05:38

"Is she like this wherever she goes"

Followed by

*I'm upset to think it's something we've done or said"

That should elicit some responses.

Greenglassteacup · 11/11/2019 06:17

Wow, OP I hope you didn’t comply and take the tea and sodding tea and cookies upstairs to the spoilt princess

Greenglassteacup · 11/11/2019 06:18

So stunned by her rudeness that I put two teas in there Grin

Smith888 · 11/11/2019 06:30

I suffer badly from jetlag but I am still able to manage a very grumpy 'hello'. One year I was given a tranquiliser and even then I think I managed to leave the room and say hi to my MIL. All very embarrassing but I do think it's odd she hasn't surfaced at all....

Smith888 · 11/11/2019 06:36

I saw your other comments and it's all very odd, very rude. Asking for cookies to be sent up to her room is rude on her husband's part as well!

rainbowstardrops · 11/11/2019 06:37

She is just plain bloody rude and I stand by my opinion from when they stopped over before that she just thinks you're all beneath her. Rude.
I'd have to comment to the cousin because I'm gobby would want to know if I'd done or said something wrong and I'd also ask if she's like this wherever she stays. It's odd that the cousin tolerates it so readily.

MrsJamin · 11/11/2019 06:48

The cousin is clueless in not seeing how very odd his wife's behaviour is! What a very odd pair. I would not suggest to have them over ever again unless their behaviour is explained.

NotJustACigar · 11/11/2019 06:52

I would assume mental illness that they're trying to cover up rather than simple rudeness. She may be bipolar for example. I think I'd feel pity for her as she can't be happy hiding out like this. And her husband may be exhausted by it and ignoring it. I say this as someone with a bipolar relative who hides out a lot while staying with me, and it's fine by me because it's what she needs to do for her mental health.

Original poster
hangingabout · 11/11/2019 07:09

Last night I just have him some Rich Tea biscuits and some chamomile tea as i did have that in. No I didn’t take it up! I feel as if I can’t go in the top floor of my own house tbh. Anyway they’re leaving this afternoon, so this is a fleeting visit this time.
We go to see the family in Calugornia a lot which is the same kind of flight and I can’t imagine just walking in, saying nothing and going to bed. The kids think it’s strange as she totally ignored them. DD had made fairy cakes, not that we expect her to eat anything. Just an acknowledgment of existence would do!
Either she does have a mental illness that he’s trying to comer up, or, as a pp said, he’s totally oblivious. Knowing him the way we do, I’m surprised he’s in this kind of relationship because they’re polar opposites. It must be so boring for him. She is s beautiful woman, so maybe this is why he puts up with her ways? God knows?

OP posts:
beanaseireann · 11/11/2019 07:18

Id have to phone your husband's cousin's sil to get tye back story ( subtly). It's just not normal behaviour.

FungusTheToegyman · 11/11/2019 07:21

OP, by now I would have gently pointed out to the cousin that her reluctance to engage with any of you while in your house is coming across as a bit rude (not least because if she does it everywhere she goes other people may not be as forgiving)

MzHz · 11/11/2019 07:23

How long have they been married again? Not long iirc? Is he wealthier than her?

If there were a legit reason, he’d tell his own brother. I see this as passive aggressive behaviour that he’s enabling

Perhaps it’s HIM that’s being controlled and abused? After all who would actually accept their oh texting down requests of hosts?

FungusTheToegyman · 11/11/2019 07:23

And before anyone jumps on me to rtft, I have. I just mean that perhaps asking questions about whether she is ok, or comments that you thought she might be pregnant are a bit too subtle, and perhaps you need to just come out and say it