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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/10/2019 12:41

I've done this twice...

The first time I had a really bad kidney infection but didn't know it. I had stomach pains and was sleeping all day... I just felt awful. I tried not to make a fuss and stayed in my room, I left once for 50 minutes to go to a BBQ the hosts had put on but couldn't do it. Five hours later I was at A&E, and I ended up being admitted for three weeks.

The second time I had a black eye, and I'd covered it in make up but wasn't convinced it would hold up under natural light so said I didn't feel well and stayed in my room...

I felt awful both times. I wouldn't do the same now, I don't think, and I was a lot younger than her - but maybe it's something similar?

Mrsjayy · 28/10/2019 12:43

Ah your husband meant you will all go out I cynically misread it sorry.

Raphael34 · 28/10/2019 12:46

This is really bizarre. My thoughts are she’s too shy to come out of the room, but you’d think manners would override at some point.

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 12:48

I do find this rude because I would never do this when we stay with his family,. I always get up, jetlagged or not. She has now been in that room for almost two solid days and nights. I think she is moving about now. DH told me to take her some lunch up, but it’s very awkward and I feel like she doesn’t want me knocking on the door. I am 44 so maybe she’s a bit shy because I’m older or something? I think I’ll take her something up and tell her I have to take the kids out for an hour. I thought she’d want to actually see something while she’s in London, otherwise why bother coming?

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 28/10/2019 12:51

Id be saying I am starting lunch downstairs, see you down there !

Stop being her maid. Shes not told you anything is wrong.

hellotabitha · 28/10/2019 12:52

My first thought was that there’s something very wrong between her and her husband.

Smotheroffive · 28/10/2019 12:55

Without your cousin talking to you what are you supposed to think?

If you don't want people to know your business don't stay with them. It's very rude unless there's good reason to treat you this way.

If she's ill, over-tired, or had a massive fallout with her DH. It would be extremely awkward if theyve had a massive fallout because he knows you and she doesn't. That would be miserable and she'd assume you were on his 'side'

squeaver · 28/10/2019 12:56

Shyness isn't an excuse for rudeness. She's your guest! Why isn't she at least showing you some gratitude for having her to stay?

Herocomplex · 28/10/2019 12:56

Gosh, you are very kind! A houseful of visitors and you’re doing trays for people!
I hope she’s ok, and not just very rude. It’s not a hotel!

Outsomnia · 28/10/2019 12:57

Would have been better all round if they had stayed in a hotel/Airbnb nearby.

Well they are heading ff soon, so just get on with your life, she seems ok and husband is not concerned.

Not much more you can do is there?

squeaver · 28/10/2019 12:57

Oh, who hasn't had a massive fall-out with her dh while they've been staying with someone? Just suck it up.

SunshineAngel · 28/10/2019 12:57

There are lots of reasons that this could be happening, and all we can really do is guess at what those reasons are at this point.

Personally, I think some kind of anxiety might be likely.

For anyone who doesn't have anxiety problems, it's very difficult to understand what it is like. I absolutely hate staying in other people's houses, even family members who I know quite well. It's just out of my comfort zone, playing by other people's house rules, having to make conversation, and there's little escape. I don't stay at people's houses for this reason. If ever we are going somewhere, I will make sure that I am able to stay at a hotel.

A lot of people will think that this is silly, but if I was this woman right now, stuck upstairs in someone else's house, I simply would not be able to make myself walk downstairs and make conversation, not without the support of my husband anyway.

I'm not saying that's definitely what's going on, just that you shouldn't assume that someone is rude because they're staying upstairs. Anxiety can be absolutely crippling, and add that to jet lag and exhaustion and I just can't even imagine it. You've said that you don't know her well, and for someone with severe anxiety, being in someone's house who you don't know well - particularly when your husband has gone out for the day - is just an idea of a nightmare!

Of course, that might not be the case.. but it is a possibility.

TommyShelby · 28/10/2019 12:57

Why are people expecting you to act as her maid!? She’s clearly not on her last legs so she needs to get up and and about. There’s being hospitable OP and then there is being taken for a mug.

BlouseAndSkirt · 28/10/2019 13:00

I think the fact that she has given up her job is a clue.

Depression or anxiety maybe.

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 13:01

Of course you’re not going to take her lunch up!

It doesn’t matter whether she wants you knocking on her door or not shes in your house.

I’d just knock and walk in at the same time, tell her lunch is in the kitchen and you’ll be out and about this afternoon.

Smotheroffive · 28/10/2019 13:01

If thats the case SunshineAngel then her DH is notso 'dear' is he, he'd be an absolute shit to bigger off and leave her in that state in a strangers home.

Very sorry you suffer this way, but your dh sounds a lot kinder (if thats whats going on here)

ThatMuppetShow · 28/10/2019 13:01

Who knows! Glad she is alive at least Grin

Just go again and ask what she needs, and tell her you are going out with the kids for xx (2 or 3?) hours, does she want to come or stay home? Then just go!

Maybe they had a fight
Maybe she is pregnant
Maybe she has a real migraine, or horrendous period pain
Maybe she has some of these weird MN over-anxiety-about-staying-at-other-people-home

I am not especially shy, so I would very directly ask the cousin what on earth that is all about, if she needs to go to hospital or something.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/10/2019 13:02

It's just not normal to barricade oneself inside another person's home. If she was ill, OP would have been told (at the very least) that she was ill even if she/her DH chose not to get into specifics.

I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from asking her if everything was OK and if she needed to talk about anything I'd keep her confidence. She'd either confide or think I'm the nosiest cow in the world.

But I'm American and I guess we tend to be a bit more blunt rude.

diddl · 28/10/2019 13:04

If your husband thinks that she should be having meals taken up-perhaps he should get his arse home & do it!

As far as you know there is nothing wrong with her.

She can get herself downstairs & bloody well ask for food.

Interested to know if she manages to go out later!

ArkLover · 28/10/2019 13:04

I suffer really badly from anxiety and panic attacks. I finally managed to get on a plane to Australia to see my dad after 10 years.
The journey was horrendous, I was in a panic stricken state for the entire flight. I wasn't able to eat, I don't think I ate anything near substantial for about 4 days. I spent a day or two not being able to move from my bed because of the anxiety but I did settle down.
It could be something similar.

Loopytiles · 28/10/2019 13:07

These guests have been rude. Hope they’re leaving soon!

I would stop preparing trays! And just go about your business and leave her.

timeisnotaline · 28/10/2019 13:09

When is your dh going to prepare a tray or dinner? I’d prob text him back - oh great the kids and I will go out then. No wait, I’m babysitting your cousins mysterious wife, we can’t. Don’t worry about us, we will be fine! I’ll cook after all! I’d like brekky on a tray in my room in the morning by the way, shouldn’t be a problem as you’ll be doing her tray anyway?

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 13:10

Im exactly the same AcrossthePond and I’m not American.

I wouldn’t have someone in my house without knowing what the fuck is going on.

Delatron · 28/10/2019 13:10

I understand how you feel sunshineangel. I hate staying at other people’s houses. May seem weird and I guess it is rude but it stems from anxiety so it’s not coming from a bad place.

I would stop taking food and stop knocking. She’ll come out when she’s ready.

Akire · 28/10/2019 13:10

Very odd, surely if she does have crippling anxiety then her husband would know and either explained or at least been down and made sure she had food and water for the day as he’s out.

Or she’s just rude in which case either be generous and leave food on tray and wait for her to come down. Not an invitation I would be extending again.