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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
Preparingfor · 03/11/2019 17:59

midnight if ever there was cause to say RTFT it's to you!

eddiemairswife · 04/11/2019 14:59

When exactly is she due back?

Durgasarrow · 04/11/2019 15:25

This is a horrifying story. Of course this poor woman is not going to tell people like you, OP, if she is unhappy in her marriage. She is surrounded by jailkeepers. To say she lacks financial agency because she is unemployed but she has a rich familywell, her family wants her to be married to this man. So they aren't going to help her. They used emotional and financial pressure no doubtthreatening to cut off her inheritance and family ties--if she didn't comply. She was obviously unwilling to marry him, because she avoided him. Nobody needs to lie down when someone is coming to propose to them if they want to be proposed to, even if they have sleeping sickness. Come on. And she wouldn't tell you anything if she thought you were going to believe bullshit like that and that you would betray her. Which you obviously would, given your attitude here. This woman is trapped and she doesn't feel she has anyone she can talk to. She is correct.

Durgasarrow · 04/11/2019 15:33

Just do this poor woman a favor. Don't pretend to be nice to her and give her false hopes. But don't gossip about her with other people in your family, either. Her suffering is not a juicy some fun little tidbit for comfortable people to pick over. If it bothers you, I suggest you think about why it bothers you not from a hospitality angle, but in a deeper way.

LiterallyCantBelieveIt · 04/11/2019 16:14

Another vote for diva! She sounds like she considers herself above everybody. I wonder if her DH is embarrassed.

Original poster
hangingabout · 04/11/2019 16:55

Eddie - it’s Sunday that they are back again.

Durgas - I think you mean well, but really she won’t have been forced to marry him and her family won’t have threatened to cut her off financially or otherwise. Why would they do that?

She may be struggling to adjust to her new life - possibly. And the “lying down” thing when he was trying to propose is strange, admittedly. However, the fact he was making a joke about it in his wedding speech, would suggest it didn’t worry him.

Also, I know you hear a lot on MN about people preferring to be “financially independent” from their husbands, but it’s not like that for us and I’m sure as I can be it wouldn’t be like that for them either. They wouldn’t be thinking like that.

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 04/11/2019 17:49

Back to complete denial that this is even a possibility.

Defending all the time that this woman is just being nasty, or rude, etc.

For someone who knows nithing about this woman, you seem to know you must be right,even though you wouldn't actually know, as pp have said.

People on the outside, especially as much on the outside ad you OP just wouldn't know no matter how much you think you would.

You prefer to think shes being rude? With no basis?

beanaseireann · 04/11/2019 17:51

hangingabout
Have you phoned your cousin's sister in law to shed some light on the matter yet ?

Original poster
hangingabout · 04/11/2019 18:15

Smother - I don’t know her, no. But I do know the family on the cousin’s side because they are my in-laws. There have obviously been a fair few weddings over the years. No threats or blackmail have been needed to make these happen! I’m not even Indian. DH fid not want any introductions to anyone so that was his choice. DH’s other cousin and his family (who also live in the US) stayed with us for two weeks over the summer. Both brothers of this cousin come fairly regularly with their families as well. Other various cousins come too and we stay with them when we can get over there. Of course I don’t know the ins and outs of their marriages but I do know there’s a different thinking around financial independence for us, than for some on here, perhaps. So all I was saying in response to the pp was that I very much doubt he’s using “financial agency” against her, any more than DH would have ever taken that attitude towards me, like a “jail keeper” Confused. And her family wouldn’t disown her. The rest I can’t be sure of, no.

OP posts:
Greenglassteacup · 04/11/2019 18:31

I wonder if she’ll do some more of the same on Sunday 🤔

iknowimallmine · 04/11/2019 21:23

@Aridane I would you rather not twist my words. I would never call a woman bitch. Yes I think she is a diva and probably spoiled but I don't think she is being abused. I was making an observation based on what I have seen. I don't know about you but I come from a similar background so have seen a lot of this kind of behaviour from girls.

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 04/11/2019 21:54

For someone who knows nithing about this woman, you seem to know you must be right,even though you wouldn't actually know, as pp have said.

But you know even less about her and her family, five what makes you so certain you are right?

No one here knows, we all assume and project, you included.

Durgasarrow · 05/11/2019 01:20

Families pressure their children to marry all the time.

ShagMeRiggins · 05/11/2019 01:49

The fact that they couldn’t get engaged as she was lying down then too suggests thIs issue predates the marriage.

Or that she was avoiding him. I don’t know, obviously, but it’s another possibility. OP do you know anything about her before DH’s cousin met her? Was the lying down and solo time typical behaviour?

Lweji · 05/11/2019 06:17

I very much doubt he’s using “financial agency” against her, any more than DH would have ever taken that attitude towards me, like a “jail keeper” confused. And her family wouldn’t disown her.

Not saying they are, but you can't be sure of that if you don't know her family well or know the inside of their marriage.
That's for any couple or family.
It's this sort of attitude that often lead to women thinking nobody will believe them.if they come out about being abused.
They could well have pushed her to marriage and he could well be abusive.
Don't just assume that they aren't and always keep an eye open for signs, rather than dismiss it.

Orchidflower1 · 05/11/2019 08:42

Will be interesting to see how she is when she comes back at the weekend.

If I recall -is it only for one night so she could genuinely be jet lagged this time?

Smotheroffive · 05/11/2019 10:39

I wasn't saying I was right at all? What makes you say that?

I am saying it can't be dismissed, there are many red flags that could indicate abuse.

I wonder why any deny it as a possibility, and its quite weird anyone frothy for updates on sunday as none of them are concerned about her, and OP is not either, any suggestions she might be suffering abuse is jumped on. Which is very odd, as anyone could be suffering abuse, and yes, agreeing with Lweji that its a response that means many women would not come out about their abuse/r.

This view of the outside of the man, meaning he can't be abusive or he's so lovely and we get on with him type thoughts all deny that he could be very different in an intimate relationship.

dellacucina · 05/11/2019 11:55

Just here to second Lweji. It's impossible to know from the information presented here whether the husband is abusive. Equally, it appears that you have dismissed the idea based on assumptions you have made.

Having just left a financially and emotionally abusive husband, I can tell you that one thing that kept me trapped for a long time - and still bothers me - is the fact that people who know him may not believe he would behave this way. Abusive men can be very charming and they are aware of what it is socially acceptable to say to the world.

monkeymonkey2010 · 05/11/2019 14:53

Durgas - I think you mean well, but really she won’t have been forced to marry him and her family won’t have threatened to cut her off financially or otherwise. Why would they do that?

You obviously don't really understand how family/cultural pressure and expectations work in asian/indian communities.
Or the effects of repercussions of going against those 'values'.

Would YOU agree to marry a virtual stranger and put yourself through having sex/dc with someone you weren't in love with?
The freedoms you have to choose the terms of living your life are not available to many - no matter how money they may have or how 'liberal' their lifestyle may seem.

Smotheroffive · 07/11/2019 12:00

her family won’t have threatened to cut her off financially or otherwise. Why would they do that?

Why indeed!!!

Read up on power dynamics if you don't know why it happens. Its happening, and far worse every day, and is sadly far more widespread than only bame communities.

PaintedBottom · 09/11/2019 20:46

Is she arriving back tomorrow?

User0987613 · 10/11/2019 14:53

Any new on this? Been low key looking forward to it all week
(Sorry to the people who thought this was an OP update Grin )

springydaff · 10/11/2019 15:29

I've been high key looking forward to it 😆

Surely your not going to leave us hanging op?? ☹️

Orchidflower1 · 10/11/2019 16:08

@hangingabout any news regarding your house guest?

Original poster
hangingabout · 10/11/2019 17:08

Hi yes they are here, but it’s the same again Im afraid to say because she just said “hi” to me and that’s literally it. She didn’t look upset or on edge though, there wasn’t that vibe, but it was hard to say really because she went to the bathroom and didn’t come back. DH picked them up, so I don’t know what she was like then. She didn’t want any food and now her husband says she’s gone straight to bed again. I mean, fair enough, it is tiring travelling through time zones and I understand that. But wouldn’t you at least say something like, “How are you?” when you enter someone house? The cousin is chatting. I asked if she needed anything and he said no, she found the towels. He’s drinking whiskey with DH now. I asked the cousin if she was ok and he said she’s fine, but she’s not a good traveller and can’t sleep on planes. Over there it was all her family they’ve been visiting, all his emigrated long ago. He says it was “awesome.” I don’t know what I can say really. They’re only here now until tomorrow afternoon and I don’t think she’ll appear until they leave. I fully expect this. I’m not offended because it doesn’t matter from my point of view, it’s just a bit peculiar. I can tell DH thinks it’s odd too because he gave the Hmm look. He will probably say something if he can.

OP posts:
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