I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

[hangingabout]

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

Its not even a small leap OP.

I know, I hear your complete dismissal of it as a possibility. Thats what Ive been saying. You don't need to give more examples of your doubt she'd do this or that in order to knock down any suggestion of da.

This woman is without income, as are you, means you are without income and financially dependent on their income, not independent financially.

It does sound like you are trying to defend your own position.

I don't know what possible agenda I could have, shes not in my family, or my home, shes not personal.to me.

From the outside, on info you have given (I've ignored assumptions you've made, and doubts you've cast based on nothing) there is very good reason to suggest DA.

I wonder at why you don't? Preferring instead to allow all the slander of your family member?

When I first posted, I just thought there would be a few replies like, “Go give her some tea,” or something like that.

I’m not trying to defend anything because there’s nothing to defend.

I think maybe some people have a preconceived notion about arranged marriages, which is understandable, but in my experience (for what that’s worth), it doesn’t always bear out. For instance, the relatives in the previous generation who did have “proper” arranged marriages, have marriages of equality that have stood the test of time. In one case, there is DH’s aunt whose career took precedence over her husband’s following the marriage. She’s a force to be reckoned with and quite famous in her field. She’s had 3 DC but only took 2 weeks off with all of them. Her DH curtailed his career so hers could develop unhindered. Then, his other aunt, would be more the “traditional” wife in the sense that she does all the cooking, serves the DH tea etc, but this is just how she is and make no mistake, her DH couldn’t control her, financially or otherwise, for five seconds.

This cousin and his wife won’t have had an arranged marriage as such, but what happens is, there are a network of families who know of each other, spread across the US and abroad. They can tell a lot from a surname, apparently. This particular family were thrown out if East Africa in the late 60s, so the links go back. They value education highly and also having a “profession”. They are all, by and large, very successful people as it has panned out. So there will be a conversation like, “My son is a lawyer who studies st x and now works at x.” “Oh really, well my cousin’s daughter is a doctor and doing wonderfully at so and so.... blah blah..., See you at the wedding of so and so..,,” Do people can get introduced in this way. But nobody is forced into anything and these women are often Harvard graduates or similar who are not about to go into a marriage to live on handouts.

I understand what you are saying, hangingabout. I can actually picture the scenario quite vividly.

hangingabout I understand too what you are saying.
I thought of DV because I have never encountered the "spoilt princess" type of behaviour and couldn't countenance that a guest would be sooo rude. I thought she might be very unhappy, sad or feel other negative emotions.
That's why Im banging on about contacting the girl's sil and try to suss out whether this is typical of her behaviour or out of character.

Sorry ! Will RTWT

@iknowimallmine

Ah yes, spoilt rich Asian Bitch

You are defending though

You absolutely will not tolerate the idea of da. Thats defensive to completely dismiss it as an option every time its raised by pp.

Plus you fo not defend her at all, but allow pp to denigrtand name-call her.

Like you really don't like her.

I wouldn't be able to stand by and watch a member of my family openly derided like this, you can it seems.

It’s a completely anonymous forum Smother

Of course I wouldn’t engage in speculation like this in real life. If that were the case I’d be on the phone to the relatives now.

Posters have not been offensive actually. They have speculated that possibly there may be depression, social anxiety, pregnancy, eating disorders etc etc. Most comments have been genuine and well-meaning advice. Some have speculated about DA, yes. You seem adamant it is DA. I’m saying that, although you can never rule anything out, the fact of being in room for several days does not mean there must be DA. Lots of people are reclusive or aloof, as the case may be, for many many reasons. When in her presence, I didn’t feel disconcerted in that way. And I very much doubt she was up there worrying about her access to finances.

"This cousin and his wife won’t have had an arranged marriage as such, but what happens is, there are a network of families who know of each other, spread across the US and abroad. "

It's what's known as semi-arranged isn't it i.e. the parents act as match makers and make the introductions.

Whatever is going on with her, it doesn't sound like she will be running to you to share confidences anyway. When you don't live nearby, she stays in your house for several days and won't engage with you, and you are only going to see her for one night on her way home, I am not sure what more you can do than you have done?

I dont know how you can't see it! The rude comments about your family by pp, a lot of the speculation has been rude.

And, like I said, there is no reason to dismiss danas a reason

Knock it back all you like, but its not beyond the realms of possibility from what you've described on here for someone to recognise the woman, or her herself.

Yiu seem very adamant about this.

Like why wouldn't you even consider it.

Shes not financially independent, etc, etc..

It’s not that I won’t consider it. I simply don’t feel I have enough to go on at this time to start claiming she is a victim of DA. That’s quite a strong accusation to make, that a man must be hitting his wife, or depriving her of money.

smother you are very aggressive OP hasn’t actually done anything wrong and doesn’t owe you any explanation.

I’ve read the thread and it doesn’t read like a DV situation at all. I’m inclined to agree with the ones who said she thinks she’s above you and you weren’t really worth the bother.

But whatever it’s behind her behaviour, I don’t think there’s much else you could have done. You sound lovely OP and the way you write reminds me of an acquaintance I used to know. Her and her husband were both of Kenyan African descent, very well educated, gentle and just so lovely.

Damn it, I meant of Kenyan Indian descent. Not sure if that’s a correct way to describe it though.

Whats aggressive about suggesting DA, bearing in mind her circumstances.

Or calling others for deriding this woman. Op admits shes a complete stranger.

It sounds very much like Smother has an agenda. I couldn't rule out domestic abuse either, but I don't go on and on about it. DA is just one possibility among many.

It is indeed

Theres certainly a power imbalance (going on what OP has said, and many red flags)

You've made your point @Smotheroffive can you leave room for other people to comment please as you are filling up the thread with your repetitive posts. The OP has acknowledged your concerns as to DA so it's time to pipe down and let others have their say.

Are you trying to shut me down?

You dont expect me to reply to these accusations?

Not sure how I'm supposedly stopping anyone else posting whereas as you are trying to stop me posting, which is what you've just said, and yet complaining. How ironic

Ooooo dear... you ok hun?

Everyone is entitled to their opinion - you just seem to be repeating yourself over and over again. You've made your point so unless there is anything new you have to say then give it a rest.

smother you are projecting now, you’re the one accusing the OP for all sorts of awful behaviour and you won’t accept her POV at all.