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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
ashes12 · 01/11/2019 22:04

Smother, I'm sorry but you've done my head in. It definitely seems like you have an agenda.

Seaweed42 · 01/11/2019 22:19

I think this girl has always been like this. She agreed to marry the guy because she needed someone to take over from her Dad as carer. Its likely the DH was a close family friend.
She may have a range of fairly severe issues. If she was able to come out of the room, she would have.
She only feels safe with her DH and is highly dependent on him. They could go on to have kids where the Dad does all the school runs etc and accompanies her everywhere.
Failing this, she will go back to her parents and remain in the family home for the rest of her life. The kindest thing you can do is accept her as she is.
She is not intentionally being rude, she is trying to make herself invisible and not impact anyone. Hence the inability to eat your food, because she cannot tolerate objects thrust upon her when she is in the threatened state. She had to place her clothes all around her to make the room feel OK. And to help endure the time till the safety guy, her DH, came back.
My 2 cents worth.

ashes12 · 01/11/2019 22:40

Seaweed- genuine question, are you a psychologist?

GoFiguire · 01/11/2019 23:18

Why were my posts deleted? All I said was that smother was right.

Smotheroffive · 01/11/2019 23:23

Que? Who are you?

Treesthemovie · 01/11/2019 23:25

My suspicion would be that she finds her husband's parents and immediate family difficult and sees this trip as an extension of it all so is lacking in energy. The over the top wedding stuff and how she appeared "shell shocked" at her own wedding is a tip off imo. The fact she has given up work etc as well.

I was in a relationship with an Arab Muslim man, who became very abusive towards me, and the family dynamics were very difficult and the family extremely demanding and dysfunctional. Sounds as if your cousins immediate family could be similar. I think I would have been your cousin's wife OP as I often found that I needed to lie down during or after time with them. Also find it odd the cousin is glossing over her unusual behaviour and leaving her in the house for days out.

However I could be totally off base here as this might be coloured by my own experiences.

Thismummyruns · 02/11/2019 07:01

Careful tagging Smother in posts, they think it's unnecessary

frazzledasarock · 02/11/2019 08:57

The girls family will have been foremost in planning the wedding. The cousins wife’s family will have arranged the crazy lavish parties.

It’s pretty common to try and top the last wedding you attended. So cousins wife would not be a stranger to this fact.

Indian Hindu wedding ceremonies can be very very lavish depending on the wealth of families involved.

I don’t think she sounds she’ll shocked or upset, she’s just treated the stopping in the UK as a necessity to the actual goal.

She’ll probably thoroughly enjoy her time in India, being pampered and treated like a princess.

Smotheroffive · 02/11/2019 09:12

Careful tagging Smother in posts, they think it's unnecessary

What are you talking about? Can you explain what you mean? What are you accusing me of doing?

Smotheroffive · 02/11/2019 09:27

Yeah, it's probably cos shes a nasty spoilt princess Hmm

Lweji · 02/11/2019 10:17

I think this thread demonstrates that it's very difficult for outsiders to judge couples and even people.
We can't possibly know from what OP said if she is truly independent or lost her financial independence, if she's a princess or fell into a marriage she didn't wish.

What I think is important here is that different possibilities are considered when dealing with her.

TatianaLarina · 02/11/2019 10:46

The fact that they couldn’t get engaged as she was lying down then too suggests thIs issue predates the marriage.

rainbowstardrops · 02/11/2019 11:31

OP, for what it's worth I think you handled it all incredibly well and you have more patience than I have!
There have been a myriad of scenarios posted and her behaviour could be because of any one of them, or indeed more than one of them.
Of course she might be a victim of abuse. She might have MH issues or she might just be a rude, entitled woman who thinks some people are beneath her and not worth her time!
Who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
hangingabout · 02/11/2019 11:56

Thankyou. My husband thinks she has been pushed quite a lot academically and med school would have been full on. Also, in the US, they get less statutory holiday I think, don’t they - maybe 2 weeks per year? He thinks maybe all the wedding build up and preparations were maybe the “straw that broke the camels back” and this is what we’re seeing now. Maybe she was prone to shutting herself away before anyway.
Because the DH is quite a gregarious character and he’s always been very easy-going, chatty, etc, I suppose I’d just expected he’d have married someone similar-ish and I do hope they’re ok. That’s my main concern really.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 02/11/2019 12:02

Some introverted people love having an extrovert partner, they know no one is relying on them to be social and can just join in when they can

Happityhap · 02/11/2019 13:08

hangingabout, I was thinking similar - that she's been pushed to achieve, and to fit family expectations, all her life and has been gradually cracking up because of that.

Her DH may simply be an oblivious bloke who accepts anything she does and doesn't realise others may find it odd.

Or I may be wrong, of course. Smile

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 02/11/2019 13:55

I had an older Aunty who had form for going for a lie down when it was convenient. (Or inconvenient Hmm).

In her case she has been brought up as upper middle class by parents who modelled her upbringing on the then Princesses Elizabeth & Margaret. Copycat clothing, hobbies and behaviour expectations.

instead of marrying into the aristocracy, she married a solidly reliable, hard-working middle class professional. She still maintained her earlier expectations though. Never did any housework (had staff) and had a lie down every afternoon come what may. Even when her Husband was going through cancer treatment he was chauffeuring her around and bringing her tea in bed because she expected it.

She was actually a lovely lady & I wouldn't necessarily call her selfish, she had been brought up to believe she should be waited on and I genuinely don't think it occurred to her that it was unreasonable behaviour.

My point of this ramble is that I'm wondering if this is about class and not just culture?

And are you and your DH - in the nicest possible way - the wrong class ?

Lunde · 02/11/2019 15:57

I think it may be a combination of factors. She may always have been a low energy person but she may also have been pushed to "achieve" academically and professionally for the family and the additional stress of the wedding may have tipped her into exhaustion or even chronic fatigue syndrome. She may not have been able to cope at work but doesn't want to admit this It could also be that there is an odd family dynamic is that she is pandered to and taken care of when she is ill.

I knew a girl in Primary school who came from this odd combination. If she had as much as a sniffle then her parents made her go to bed for a week to "rest". She was not allowed to play with friends at all after lunch as she had to "rest on her bed" for an hour - which was really odd for a 10 year old. But she was also pushed very hard academically with 11+, selective grammar school, Oxford University, high flying professional qualifications and career. But she hit the wall and developed ME/CFS as a result of the stress of it all and was never able to return to work.

Smotheroffive · 02/11/2019 16:22

God, sad stories on here Sad

I guess anythings possible. I hope she gets help, whatever is going on and her husband pulls his bloody finger out

Totally awful to have all this going on under your own roof and noone talking about it Confused

Newbie1981 · 03/11/2019 07:08

Christ @Smotheroffive you have been busy! Don't you have five kids to looks after? Or smother, or something??

SlidingIntoForties · 03/11/2019 07:22

for what it's worth I think you handled it all incredibly well and you have more patience than I have!

Absolutely. Not just with houseguests but with one or two posters on here as well.

Ginfordinner · 03/11/2019 07:53

I agree Sliding

Smotheroffive · 03/11/2019 11:12

What do you mean? Busy ? Hmm?

MidnightMystery · 03/11/2019 11:22

Check on her.

Could be a number of things, from illness, pregnancy or incredibly shy x

MidnightMystery · 03/11/2019 11:31

Oh god I'm a week late! I hope everything is ok now!