To think MN is at risk of becoming a Mean Girls bitchfest

[Sparklfairy]

Flame me if you want, but I've been shocked lately at how OPs are being attacked when they post on here.

This isn't a TAAT, it's a general trend of spewing vitriol and being downright nasty in the name of being 'blunt' or 'telling it like it is'.

MN was always the place we could go for honest opinions and different points of view. A fantastic support when people are caught up in bad relationships and can't see the wood from the trees or a way out.

More commonly though I see a pack mentality developing where one poster will make a snide comment and then others pile in. It's no better than playground bullying. Reminds me of mean girls. If you don't write a certain way, use the 'right' MN terms, if you're new and don't know the right MN etiquette yet, and god forbid you don't use perfect grammar, then somehow you don't fit in here and therefore deserve to be called names, mocked and bullied by strangers.

People post on forums like these, especially when new here, when theyre out of options. They don't want to or can't talk to people in RL and want to reach out. I know how it feels to be horribly isolated in a shitty situation and if I'd posted here and received half the abuse I've seen on some threads it could well have pushed me over the edge.

I love reading threads where a woman has got out of a shitty relationship as a result of the support she's read here. But when she's at her lowest, a few shitty comments attacking her for no reason can stop that happening.

By all means, say what you think. But name calling doesn't help. If you have advice, offer it, but berating someone's life choices is simply kicking someone when they're down because you can. And that makes you no better than the bastards some of these women are married to/partnered with.

And before anyone says 'if you don't like MN then leave'. If I did that there would be fewer of us to call this shit out.

I agree, some threads leave me bewildered with the replies.

But if the OP has posted on AIBU especially, there's an unwritten rule that it's a greenlight to kill on sight.

(Good luck)

I don’t think there’s a risk, I think it’s happened.

Sometimes a poster starts a goady old thread though and the majority says something. That’s not a bitch fest.

If you see someone being nasty or hurtful, report it.

I think when you see people behaving like this then you should call them out on it and/or report to mumsnet. Even if it doesn't meet the standard for deletion then it's worth challenging them on it. The more people who stand up against the nasty, bullying posts on here, the less acceptable it becomes. Hopefully none of us would watch a friend, colleague or even stranger being bullied, so we shouldn't stay silent on MN either. Having said that, I do actually think that the vast majority of posts outside of AIBU are well-meaning.

I'm surprised by how many grown women think it's okay to bully others on here.

Yep. And the scary thing is, that on'ce or twice I've re-read a post of mine and realised that I've started saying things that I'd never say to someone in real life. So there's an element of it being contagious, and I'm really disturbed that it's in me to join in. I'm determined to stop that.

Straight talk is one thing. Unnecessarily spite, another. The grammar thing the other night was really horrible, and I'm glad MN stepped in. Maybe they should do it more.

The first couple of replies can really set the tone.
I've been around a while and the traffic that ends up in AIBu these days is daft.
If a thread is in chat or a topic I temper my reply accordingly.
AIBU robust, blunt replies are the norm now in all boards.

^I love reading threads where a woman has got out of a shitty relationship as a result of the support she's read here. But when she's at her lowest, a few shitty comments
attacking her for no reason can stop that happening^

Tbh I don’t see this very often, in fact I can’t remember the last time I saw this. It’s always posters supporting them and giving them advice. As with the majority of serious subjects on here. If the odd poster is being a twat then I have seen them being shouted down by many other posters.

If you’re talking about the thread about the gender reveal scan then I disagree with you. It was goady and has upset many posters who’ve lost their baby.

I have noticed there is a pattern of women (mostly) making assumptions about OP's family members and partners. Then there is a whole different picture painted. OP has to leave her partner/husband because he is absolutely useless. And verbally attacking OP because she asked for an advice.

I don't think it's becoming/become a mean girls bitch fest, however people are quick to say things without thinking it through sometimes.
I'll admit even I do it occasionally, I'll post it, read back and think it's not reading in the tone I meant, I sound horrible.

I was reading a thread a few days ago where the OP had lots of spelling and grammar mistakes. Most of the first few replies were thinly disguised mean comments about the spelling and grammar rather than helping with the issue. I felt genuinely uncomfortable with the bullying tone of the thread for the first time on Mumsnet, although I know others have been commenting on this for a while. Not everyone has had the privilege of an amazing education or a family that support this. This is a way of othering posters that don’t fit in.

I'm surprised that the word 'bully' is used so often on MN. It is clear people often don't know the definition of it and, in using it improperly, it lessens the experience of people who are actually bullied.

Not again...

Do you challenge / report?

Whaadya mean ‘becoming!? This place is renowned for being a nest of vipers, I think some posters are proud to be utter bitches. Some of the comments I read are astonishingly horrible.

I stay on here because it’s a very interesting and often extremely funny place, fast moving and if I have a question which google can’t answer, then this is the right place. However, I am trying to avoid anything controversial. I’m wary of being misconstrued-someone badly misinterpreted something I said this week and called me a bully, when actually, I’m the one being bullied, I’ve been in a terrible state at work. Sometimes, I need a break from the place.

There is a certain amount of victim-blaming (usually on AIBU) eg "Why on earth did you marry him/have four children with him?? etc
Mostly, I think posters are supportive.

I absolutely hate the jumping on posters grammar and spelling. Women who have not had access to good education are some of the most vulnerable in society. We should be prioritising their support, not excluding them for saying "should of". It fucking disgusts me and shows the worst side of mumsnet.

We should be prioritising their support, not excluding them for saying "should of". It fucking disgusts me and shows the worst side of mumsnet

It’s not just a MN thing. I was reading the bbc FB page earlier where someone said “should of” and their instead of they’re and was corrected by numerous people, in fact I see it a lot all over the internet.

It’s definitely not a MN thing.

Overall I think MN is a supportive place especially for women in bad relationships. It certainly helped me in my time of need and I won't forget that. However sometimes it can also be intimidating and bitchy comments make we wonder would the poster say that IRL.
I'm still somewhat fragile but am finding my feet slowly. I probably would not look to challenge a seasoned 'MN agitator' ...not yet anyway... but give me time 🤔😊

I've been here for fourteen years, and the first thread I posted on turned into a pile-on (on me).

I wasn't being goady, just a bit naive.

I don't think it's changed that much tbh.

Reprting is all well and good, but once a thread has descended into nastiness, people making up their own narrative and troll hunting the entire thread gets deleted, and the OP is left without help, an outlet, or another perspective .

Sure they can post again, but I wouldn't bother. The same posters still come back to stick the knife in again.

I remember a thread of a woman who was being abused by her husband, emotionally, physically and sexually. As is common with many victims, her husband was an 'upstanding citizen', pillar of the community etc, so she thought she must be wrong. She asked first for advice on how she could be a better wife, it was awful.

The thread got deleted because of so many knobheads. She posted again, asking for more advice, started updating how she was slowly taking steps to leave. When the previous troll hunters turned up again she sadly stopped posting.

Reporting in that instance didn't help.

You're making the mistake of judging MN solely by AIBU. Other topics are much more measured.

Personally I think AIBU should have a warning like on the legal and health sections. Something about recommending that posters consider posting on another part of the site if they need support due to the robust nature of the AIBU topic. And MNHQ should be quicker to move threads out of this section if it's becoming a pile on.

I think outside of Aibu it's all very civilised.

It's always been like this. It's got worse though. I never understand the threads where people see a poster getting a total drubbing and joyously race to join in. What can you possibly say that hasn't already been said? You're just loving joining in a shaming. Not my cup of tea tbh.

1984isnow that's my point exactly. I've felt I had to (pretty forcefully) shut down posters this week because it was all so unnecessary and it was like they were getting kicks out of being nasty. Offering no advice, just venom.

And all this whataboutery that MN is often helpful, well yes it is. But your argument is akin to NAMALT. A few bad eggs can ruin all the good. Don't forget when someone is at their lowest and their self esteem is on the floor then they're more likely to take the abuse to heart and not act on the advice of the kinder posters.

It's just a thought that if you have a choice to snipe or be kind, be kind.