To think MN is at risk of becoming a Mean Girls bitchfest

[Sparklfairy]

Flame me if you want, but I've been shocked lately at how OPs are being attacked when they post on here.

This isn't a TAAT, it's a general trend of spewing vitriol and being downright nasty in the name of being 'blunt' or 'telling it like it is'.

MN was always the place we could go for honest opinions and different points of view. A fantastic support when people are caught up in bad relationships and can't see the wood from the trees or a way out.

More commonly though I see a pack mentality developing where one poster will make a snide comment and then others pile in. It's no better than playground bullying. Reminds me of mean girls. If you don't write a certain way, use the 'right' MN terms, if you're new and don't know the right MN etiquette yet, and god forbid you don't use perfect grammar, then somehow you don't fit in here and therefore deserve to be called names, mocked and bullied by strangers.

People post on forums like these, especially when new here, when theyre out of options. They don't want to or can't talk to people in RL and want to reach out. I know how it feels to be horribly isolated in a shitty situation and if I'd posted here and received half the abuse I've seen on some threads it could well have pushed me over the edge.

I love reading threads where a woman has got out of a shitty relationship as a result of the support she's read here. But when she's at her lowest, a few shitty comments attacking her for no reason can stop that happening.

By all means, say what you think. But name calling doesn't help. If you have advice, offer it, but berating someone's life choices is simply kicking someone when they're down because you can. And that makes you no better than the bastards some of these women are married to/partnered with.

And before anyone says 'if you don't like MN then leave'. If I did that there would be fewer of us to call this shit out.

Sparklfairy, what is it you disagree with as we appear to be saying the same thing?

I wouldn't assume all the bitchy comments are from women.
Some of the 'advice' is so naive and childish I don't think the poster is adult, or is very inexperienced in life, and could be any sex.
And some posters are wind up merchants imv, they post them sit back watching the angry replies.

Sometimes I think writing 'could of' is akin to confessing you are the OW or something.
Lots of talk of people 'sitting on their hands' but not actually replying to the thread. It must be exhausting to be a pedant.

@Fatshedra the threads I’m thinking of in particular are to do with BF, so it’s definitely women attacking other women.

Sorry, I mean those ones are.

Totally agree. Been through it and it really messed with my head for a while until I developed a thick skin and learnt how to navigate through the site.

It’s a crap attitude to be honest.

My advice to new members is to not post until they’re read enough on this site to learn what to avoid and so on..

Even so, if they post not to take comments personally and if they find the odd one or two posters who are safe and supportive to probably PM them instead and try get support that way.

Worra "If people can't handle reading incorrect things without feeling 'forced' to pull others up on it, internet chat forums are not for them." I did feel 'forced' to step in on that occasion.

But yes, I get what you're saying.

'Reading incorrect things'. By that I meant incorrect spelling and grammar.

If people find it 'makes their eyes bleed' and they just have to step in to 'educate' others, with no regard for that person's feelings, then internet chat forums really aren't for them.

Worra oh sorry, I misinterpreted! Yes, 'makes my teeth itch' is another one

I know. It's an actual insult to pedants because 'pedant' does not automatically equal 'twat'

Yes, it's terrible that this free forum you are under no obligation to use, isn't acting exactly the way you want it to.

I agree I have felt alot worse sometimes after a post for people commenting on grammar errors when that is not what you want. We all come on here for support.

Yikes....I've just joined today...the myth of the sisterhood eh?

It depends on the topic and the tone of the OP.

There's some really horrible comments and pile ons.

But I've seen people offering different views get slated for not giving unconditional affirmation or accused of bullying for suggesting there's other options / viable ways forward. There's quite a bit of dismissing alternative views as being "cool" or "mean" depending on the topic.

Equally there's posters who ask if they are being unreasonable but then argue and be an arse to anyone who doesn't agree.

Picking up on SPAG is universally dick behaviour though.

Yikes....I've just joined today...the myth of the sisterhood eh?

It's one of two boards, no need for dramatics.

One or two...

This MP has had enough of the spelling police

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-50206103

I think AIBU is a bit more, you know, cutting and actually sometimes posters advise that the OP moves her post to another board where the responses will be more sympathetic. That said... some posters seem to confuse (or maybe not) nastiness for being direct and yes there is bullying.

Now I'm probably in a minority here, but I think if someone's written english has glaring errors then actually it is kinder to correct them. Perhaps by private mail? The trouble is, people can say it doesn't matter but it does. People will make negative assumptions about others if their standard of writing is poor. It's disingenuous to pretend otherwise as it can have wider implications than just getting slated on the internet. I know my own standard of English isn't amazing so feel free...

It's not OK to titter about it though with other posters. It's extremely nasty and not at all inclusive. Unfortunately, the posts with the painful errors really stick out on here. The posters who snigger at someone's poor writing rather than help reinforce the idea that this is an uninclusive site for educated and/or middle class women only.

Clearly dyslexia does matter

Now I'm probably in a minority here, but I think if someone's written english has glaring errors then actually it is kinder to correct them. Perhaps by private mail?

No it isn't, it's downright rude to give unsolicited SPAG advice to strangers. As long as people can understand what's being said, that's the main thing.

It's also delusional to think that you (generic you) are going to be 'the one' out of all the people in that person's life (past teachers etc) who makes 'the difference'.

As for private emails, can you imagine starting a thread about a particular problem and getting an inbox full of pedants telling you how 'wrong' you've been?

I think it’s enough to respond to the original question with the correct spelling/Grammer without being so direct about it.

OP: AIBU to think that he could of asked me first ?

Response: no YANBU to think he could have asked you.

Agree with worra it is downright rude to send a PM posters to correct them, I know what I'd send back if I received one of those so would everyone else I think

That's hilarious. Sending a PM to pick apart someone's spelling in order to be 'kind'.

Yes I agree. Women looking for a fight/on a power kick.
I don't understand it. So much hate on here at times, its depressing to see.
With that said, when I was feeling very low a few weeks back, some people here wrote me some lovely replies so not all bad but it is very nasty here 90% of the time. I wouldn't be able to sleep if I was as mean to people as some are here.

There are literally thousands of supportive threads on here. If AIBU was ditched it wouldn’t take long for the board to change into the place it’s supposed to be.