To be considering a termination at 38

[IonnaS]

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

A lot of people who have children don’t like other children....but it is different with your own, so don’t base a decision on the fact you don’t like kids....you will like your own.

If you don’t want a child because you have decided your don’t want a child, then terminate, it’s your decision to make

@IonnaS

Alka - I am sorry to hear that. Was expecting the conclusion to be that you saw things differently now. I hope things get better.

Thanks. Tbh when they were very tiny, the existential angst receded a bit because I was just so bloody tired all the time.

But now they are older & more complex themselves (& I see aspects of myself in them) I just feel overwhelmed by the huge step of actually having created these new people - not babies any more- who will have to go through so much pain in their lives (as well as all of the happiness).

My main coping mechanism at the moment is thinking that I'm a mortal speck on a rock hurtling through space and in not sure that would work with kids.

See above

I of course love them with all my heart. But it makes all the big questions a lot worse to confront.

Panda - I think it's just my symptom. I have had pmdd so I assume I'm weirdly sensitive to hormones.

I never once felt euphoric during any of my pregnancies. Anxious, depressed, sleepy, angry, yes. Lots of crying. Lots of crying at random stuff, so poignant. Life so vulnerable. But no euphoria. I'm with panda on this. Maybe you're actually happy for some reason (?)

Can you find a counsellor to discuss this with?

You might regret the decision either way and even though it might seem like a decision that needs to be made quickly; it's also one that you might think about for years to come so it needs to be carefully thought out!

I can't tell you what to do, but I would suggest you reach out to a therapist immediately and explore your true feelings about this for the next month. It would be worth every penny. You have been handed an situation that you thought never have to deal with. You need to speak with a trained specialist that can help you navigate your thoughts and feelings about it before you make a final decision. This is too big to let a message board make a decision for you. All the best.

No advice OP, just sympathy. This is so tough for you.

Your life will be very different if you don't have a termination. Your life will change very little if you do

That’s so true
So so true ! Kids are as we all know a huge and life changing major big deal . If you never wanted them , and want a termination I think that’s your answer there

Please don’t peddle the ‘selfish and immature’ nonsense OP, it does all of us childfree women a disservice. I’d say if you don’t feel an emotional connection to the baby growing inside you, there’s your answer.

LittleBigTime, if you're 37 and want a child but not now, terminating this pregnancy is not a gamble I would be willing to take, tbh - no moral lecturing behind that at all, just logic. I had had 6 miscarriages (as well as two children and one more on the way) by the time I was your age.

OP, Abstractedobstructed's post resonated strongly with me. Barring SN, the period of absolute dependence and substantial constraint passes, quickly in the scheme of things. (But I never minded the whole baby/sleepless nights/nappies phase). But being a parent is a frightening and vulnerable, as well as a beautiful thing. Their health, their behaviour, their futures. And there's a lot of truth in the saying that you are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child. That is the more enduring and deeper tie and constraint. You get your radius of action back, but fundamentally, you're never quite 'your own' again. I have three, I am very content indeed to be a mother despite the toll this does take. But feeling otherwise is such a massive taboo that I believe there must be more people feeling it than is ever talked about.

FWIW I've had surgical and medical management of mc around your current gestation and the medical was 'OK' (as far as that experience goes). Some pain, and some mess, but nothing not copeable with. The surgical was 'fine' too.

I wanted very much to be a mother but it has been so much harder than I ever imagined and everybody always said the years would fly by but they haven’t really. They are crawling by, which is good in some ways but hard in others.

And I don’t feel in the position to advise others on parenthood as I really don’t feel I have done or am doing a very good job at it.

But I can say that I would only ever suggest that people become parents if they are very keen to. I wouldn’t be persuading people to have a go at it. No one knows how people will find it and I think if you do find it difficult I think it is easier to deal with that situation if you were very keen to go into it from the start.

I think part of my problem is that I'm not 100% sold on the human experience and I'm not sure about foisting that on a new innocent person.

^this!

I’m really happy with my life, but I think life is so hard - for most of us. You’re free for just 4 years, then it’s straight into the education system until you’re 18-21, then straight into 40 hour working weeks until you’re 70! The economy is crap and jobs are so unfulfilling now, and housing is so expensive. With money worries, environmental concerns and poor mental health, I think I’d rather spare a potential new human the stress!

I didn't sleep last night and now I am so tired I just want to do the easiest thing to make the problem go away. The indecision is like torture. I wish I hadn't found out for another month.

I've heard the process is worse after 10 weeks so I'm reluctant to let things go on further and I can't think about anything else.

I think stupidly I have both bonded with the idea a bit while simultaneously knowing it isn't for me.

Faod I wasn't saying childfree women are selfish and immature, obviously, just that I am to have allowed myself to get into this stupid dilemma. If it had never happened I'd be planning my holiday for next week. DP is freaked out that I am so distracted as usually am forcing guide books under his nose at this stage.

OP, I was you but aged 39, nearly 40, when I discovered I was pregnant. I had never, ever wanted children and I was going through a lot of turmoil in my life with moving, job issues and the like. I did debate a termination but then just thought ‘Fuck it.’ This might be only time I get to have a child so go along with what fate has handed me.

My pregnancy was awful because although physically fit, I had antenatal depression and I really didn’t want the baby changing my life. I did regret going through with it. However, dd is almost 6 and I am so glad I had her. She has brought my whole wider family closer together and once she was born and the reality of having her was so much better than the worries I had had whilst pregnant.

I can’t say you should or shouldn’t continue with this pregnancy but from my own experience I am glad I had the opportunity to have my daughter.

I have no more advice than the wonderful posts before mine but @IonnaS I just wanted to say what a wonderful person you sound

Have you not told him OP? I think this is too much to take on alone, if this is a relationship you plan to stay in.
If you feel bonded, why not go ahead? I do think you have a tendency to over-think! But then, it is a big decision. Are you receiving medical care for your hormonal issues, in terms of medication that might need to be adjusted due to pg.

If your ‘natural instincts’ as you call them are that you don’t want children, there is nothing wrong with that. If it’s any consolation I had a surgical termination and it was absolutely fine - no pain or after-effects except a bit of bleeding. I have never regretted it although I am younger than you and was sure of my decision.

Also, it is possible you could regret having a child. Some people do. My dad’s mother never wanted kids but conceived him and had him. She didn’t love him when he arrived - he had a horrendous childhood where she made clear he wasn’t wanted. She’s an extreme case and I’m not for a moment suggesting you’d do the same, but the ‘you’ll love your baby when it arrives’ unfortunately is not true for everyone.

The decision is yours alone - try not to be swayed by peer pressure or social norms. That said, if you think you might actively want the baby, that is also fine! Just trust your instincts and feelings rather than how you think you ‘should’ feel

If it had never happened I'd be planning my holiday for next week. DP is freaked out that I am so distracted as usually am forcing guide books under his nose at this stage

So your partner doesn't know @IonnaS?

I'm sorry but this doesn't bode well.
Are you scared of telling him?
Why?

Was it 'your mistake' that you conceived? (ie on the Pill but missed one, or did both of you not take responsibility for contraception, or split condom or what?)

I think that is key to your decision. If you were casual about contraception (each of you or one of you) then a pregnancy was always on the cards.

And I feel that's an important factor. Is there a tiny chance you wanted to be pregnant or decided you would face the dilemma if it arose?

I am assuming- and apologies if it's wrong- that you took some kind of contraception gamble and that's why you daren't tell your partner.

What's stopping you sharing this huge event with him?

Do you live together and do you plan to stay together?

The relationship sounds as if it has some cracks in it if you can't tell him.

(And sorry if you have, but not got time to read all your updates.)

You can and ought to get counselling via one of the abortion providers- more appropriate than a GP- can you get to one today to discuss with a counsellor?

Maybe it's as simple as... Would you be open to your life going in a completely different and new direction? Or would you rather it continued on its current trajectory?

i have two kids and they're the only big decision I've made that I don't ever regret! I really panicked when I was pregnant with DS1, and I remember lying on my bed crying and thinking, what the fuck have I done? But he's a teenager now and I'm just so proud of him. His brother was easier as I'd find it all before, but I love them both more than I can say.

Being a mum has really improved me as a person. I was such a pain before. 😆

I faced a similar dilemma age 41.

I wasn't the least bit maternal. If I am completely honest, I found small children irritating, even my neices and nephews.

I married at age 38. My husband and I decided together we wouldn't have children. I felt completely at ease with that decision.

When i discovered i was pregnant, after the initial shock, i was at best, ambivalent about the situation. What gave me pause, was that i believed it would be my first and possibly last pregnancy.
I needed to decide if i wanted a baby now or possibly never.

If i had been younger, i would have terminated. No question about it.

But once my pregnancy was confirmed, my husband and i decided to proceed. I'm glad that we were both on the same page, because once i had our daughter, all hell broke loose.

My baby did not sleep for 6 months. I felt like i was going out of my mind, hallucinating from lack of sleep and arguing constantly with my DH, when never a cross word had passed between us.

At the time i was feeling angry and resentful. Having a baby felt like a big mistake.

We'd both reached breaking point when 2 things happened: my husband and I had a long, honest conversation and agreed, going forward, we would be a team, supporting each other, and commited to the family we had created.

I had a bit of an epiphany where i decided that i could continue to be angry and resentful, hating my new life, or i could embrace it. It meant letting go of my desire to have my old life back, and whole-heartedly embracing a new family dynamic.

Anyhow, things improved a lot. Our baby settled, and i went back to work, swapping primary care with my husband. We had a second child 18 months later, and shared the primary care.

Fast forward to the present, our children are 9 and 7 and we both work 4 day weeks, continuing to share the parenting and domestic load.

Family life is a lot of fun. It can be intense and chaotic. We are perpetually tired. Our finances have taken a hit. But we are all happy and thriving.

OP, only you can decide what is best for you.

Parenting in the early years is really, really hard, but i don't regret it.

I wish you luck going forward with your decision.

@IonnaS I hope you are okay and I mean that kindly.
BUT your partner has a right to know.
Please talk to him.

Ultimately, it is your body and your life and you will decide what is right for you.

But as you are prevaricating, it may help to share it with him. If he was 100% supportive then it may help you decide to keep it.
If he is horrified- and he may be in shock at first- and says he could never accept another child, that may help you decide.

If you have a termination he will have to know as you will need looking after for at least 24 hrs after a GA. He will find out one way or the other whatever you decide

If you relationship cannot withstand this kind of emotional dilemma, is it a relationship you want to be in?

Are you protecting him from it all and why?

You'll regret it for the rest of your life OP. None of us mums really know what we're doing but we get through every day because we love our babies with everything that we are. Reading your posts don't convince me that you can't do this, they make me think you'd be amazing

I can't tell him until I'm sure in my head because he has an in principle objection to termination (we have had many long discussions about how wrong and naive and male privilege this is - never thought they'd become practically applicable :( )

I am now on the train and the upside is a double seat to myself because of the ugly crying. I'm worried my relationship is ruined now either way. It would be a lot easier if I could just be hit by a truck or something it's not like I was doing anything useful anyway.

Sorry to be deranged.

You'll regret it for the rest of your life OP
Can't think of anything worse than regretting have a baby for the rest of your life. Awful for mother and child. Better to regret not having a baby than regret having one.
Not everyone loves their babies. Lots of women regret becoming mothers.

So your partner doesn't agree with abortion but he also leaves his ex to do most of the parenting, have I got that right? He doesn't sound great OP....