To be considering a termination at 38

[IonnaS]

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

I thought the same thing about kids (noisy, smelly, irritating) before I had my own. Honestly it’s completely different if they’re your own (although I still feel the same way about other people’s kids ).

But, if you’re not 100% sure about having a baby I wouldn’t go ahead. Having kids is wonderful and rewarding and fun, but it’s also bloody difficult! Physically, financially, and emotionally draining. Only you can really make the decision.

I just can't shake this feeling of dread like it's signing up for a job I will hate but can never quit.

I think I need to have the termination. It is going to be really bad.

Thanks again all.

Good luck OP. You need to put your own health and well being first. It might benefit you to step away from Mumsnet and take some breathing space. Much as posters don’t agree with each other, we will be here for you.

I think this is one subject where it's particularly hard to find non-judgemental advice because a lot of people will want you to join their 'tribe' because at some level it validates their own life choices, and whether or not to have children is one of the most fundamental choices there is. But ultimately it's your life and you have to make the decision for yourself and your circumstances.

Having just seen your last update, I hope it isn't as bad as you fear and I hope having made a decision brings you some peace. Much love

Thanks. Have just been thinking - 2 months ago I wasn't even pregnant. It's ridiculous to angst this much over such a small period in time.

Wish the doctor would offer some valium tho.

It’s really hard for people here to advise you, because it’s such a personal decision. The important thing is to realise that you are allowed to make whichever choice feels right for you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I just can't shake this feeling of dread like it's signing up for a job I will hate but can never quit.

And this is why you desperately need counselling ASAP.

From the thread it’s clear you are all over the place. In some ways ‘euphoric’, in some ways terrified.

Don’t let your mind become your worst enemy - it’s driving you round in circles.

Not talking is what is building up the steam inside the pressure cooker.

People talk so much about regretting an abortion but the opposite can absolutely be true, especially if you don’t really want a child.

OP, DH and I tried for a baby and had twins unexpectedly. They are both disabled. My life looks very different to how I imagined it, and our future is very uncertain - there’s a good chance at least one of them will never live independently, possibly both. I love them more than life and wanted them, and even I have moments when I realise just what this choice has done to mine and DH’s life. I feel trapped in an unknowable nightmare sometimes. Nobody goes into parenting expecting this, but it needs to be considered. I don’t know how I would cope with this if it was an unplanned pregnancy.

Whatever happens hope it isn't too traumatic for you. Make a decision and tell your partner, he can't give you support if you dont let him. If he wants the child and you dont then let him move on perhaps he'll find someone who wants children, it's won't be anyone's fault just two people with different views of the future. Don't risk having him find out after the fact hiding such a major decision from him is a bad idea.

Hi OP. Like you, I always knew I didnt want kids of my own. I have 2 grown up step kids who I adore, and they are more than enough for me. I think it was quite unprofessional of your doctor to say this is your last chance and put such confusion in your mind. If she hadn't said that, would you have gone ahead with the termination? I know I would have.

Sending you very best wishes. It's your body and your life; do what is right for you.

Op I don't feel like I can offer much here but one thing that strikes me; you are posting as if you feel like you should want this pregnancy and you are somehow wrong to feel like you don't. This is not true. If you don't want this pregnancy then that is ok. You are allowed to not want it. Being female does not mean you have to want children on some level, many women never do and are perfectly ok with that.

Another thing is that you seem to have fallen for the narrative that this is your only shot. That also is not true. Or at least not necessarily. Having been pregnant may change your feelings, you may find, further down the line that you do want a child. At 38/39/40 it will be more difficult than early 20s but not necessarily impossible. Don't get suckered into "now or never". Having a child is a big deal and you and any child you may have deserve to make that choice based on good reasons not fear.

Whatever happens I wish you the best of luck. Either way get yourself support. You shouldn't face this and the afterwards alone.

I have children. I love my children. My life before children seems pretty meaningless and empty in comparison to now. I couldn’t imagine having a life without children. But, I would never recommend having a child unless you are sure. While my life is better in every way than it was before it’s also hellish. The constant anxiety that something horrible will happen to them, the fear that a client won’t pay and we won’t be able to pay their fees, the feeling that no matter how hard I try it is impossible to get parenting right. It’s a bit much. Of course there are some people who can not really care about their children who seem to get the most enjoyment out of them without feeling the endless stress and anxiety but they are in the minority. The chances are that if you have this child being able to go on holiday on short notice (which we do regularly and isn’t really an issue quite frankly) will be the least of your concerns. Don’t have this child unless you are willing to take on the risk of having a mental breakdown over it.

@Loaf90

incredibly insensitive and ill thought out advice. Do you think EVERY woman who has had a termination regrets it? Do you think EVERY woman wants to have children?

I've had a termination I don't regret. I absolutely, positively, don't want children. Telling someone they'll regret something that you have no idea about is harmful.

@IonnaS sending you lots of love. Whatever you do will be the right decision for you.

StinkGhoul

I'm sure it won't help but I often think how brave you are when you post about your twins. Your post above has cemented that.

Hope you're doing ok IonnaS

All I can say, OP, is that I didn’t want children and found myself pregnant (in a country where abortions are illegal), married and financially stable, mature and in a position to provide for a baby.

My son is an absolute joy. Life without him is unthinkable. He is hilarious and beautiful and crazy and exhausting and brilliant and I had no idea motherhood could be so fucking wonderful (and so fucking hard at the same time!).

And in my experience there’s nothing that dispels disillusionment more effectively than seeing the world through the eyes of a toddler. Everything is amazing.

I’m sorry that’s probably not helpful but whenever anyone says your have to be 100% about having children’ I think about DS and everything I would have missed if I took that advice.

I had a termination with DH and my first child, I had just started my degree, we had been together 6 months and my coil fell out. We have two beautiful and planned for dc now. I think of the baby we never had often but I know in my heart that we made the right choice even if it still hurts nearly 12 years later. The simple truth is that if you feel now is not right then there is nothing wrong with that. It can be very traumatic as I had a medical termination and spent the best part of the day bleeding very heavily in the bath tub sobbing. Please make sure you have a good support with you regardless of your choice and if you need medication to support you then ask your GP if you could perhaps have some beta blockers like diazepam to help

I was in similar situation age 36

Never wanted dc

Went for termination sent away to think more carefully and DP didn't want to terminate.

Decided to press on with pregnancy Despite being very not maternal and still aren't I was quite taken by my own dc

Although my life didn't feel 'incomplete' or 'empty' or any of the descriptions I read of life pre dc in previous posts.

It worked out for us but I completely get where you are. Many of my friends don't have dc and I certainly prefer to hang out with them

Best wishes OP.

Thanks JacquesHammer

If you turned up to a scan and the doctor says oh we can't find anything what would your gut tell you now?

Would you be relieved or feel a bit upset about the loss? Hopefully that gives a bit of guidance as to how you feel.

Op, I am staunchly pro choice. I think you need another day or two to decide what you want to do. Neither choice is wrong, but you need to be sure of your decision.