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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering a termination at 38

366 replies

IonnaS · 27/10/2019 14:38

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 28/10/2019 08:41

I'm sorry you are in such a state @IonnaS.

Was the pregnancy 'your fault'? Is that why you cannot tell him? Or did you both take a chance? (ie no condom?)

As a grown up man he has to understand any act of sex can result in pregnancy.

I think you have to accept from what you have now said that this relationship is not as strong as you thought. You have fundamental differences on a serious moral choice.

You have to tell him. He has a right to know as it's his child too.

JinglingHellsBells · 28/10/2019 08:42

I don't think that fairs qwacky- many many women are the chief carers when a couple divorce. It may have been an agreed choice, we don't know all the facts.

Quitedrab · 28/10/2019 08:45

He does NOT have a right to know!

But still. He might surprise you in a good way.

gwackywacky · 28/10/2019 08:46

OP says: "DP loves his kids but he definitely leaves his ex to do the heavy lifting."

Original poster
IonnaS · 28/10/2019 08:47

I think he is great but our relationship is about adults together and no intention to create additional responsibilities.

I honestly have no idea how this happened - I am on the pill, I take it regularly, I can't think of a single thing that could have caused it. Which I also fear he won't believe am at that age when everyone makes nasty remarks about spermjacking etc. I would never have done this on purpose.

I am worried I am sentimentalising. Babies and children are separate little people not props to take round Paddington exhibitions. God.

OP posts:
NightLion · 28/10/2019 08:47

For you OP 💐

JacquesHammer · 28/10/2019 08:49

Flowers I haven’t got much to add to the very wise advice you’ve been given, but prioritising YOU isn’t selfish. You sound the exact opposite of selfish from your posts on here.

Don’t worry about telling your partner if you don’t want, he absolutely has no right to know.

JinglingHellsBells · 28/10/2019 08:53

He does NOT have a right to know! Sorry but he does. It's his child too and they are in a relationship. He doesn't have the right to decide what the OP does but he has a right to know his partner has conceived with his sperm.

Loaf90 · 28/10/2019 08:54

You're catastrophising OP

JacquesHammer · 28/10/2019 08:54

Sorry but he does

In your opinion. That isn’t some hard and fast rule.

Especially given the OP’s comments regarding his position on abortion he has no right to know anything.

Original poster
IonnaS · 28/10/2019 08:55

Don't you think a lot of men would prefer not to know?

I realise that raises a lot of other questions.

Anyway in my case I just can't tell him without a plan in my mind.

OP posts:
Quitedrab · 28/10/2019 08:55

Don't be silly, jinglebells.

gwackywacky · 28/10/2019 08:58

He has no right to know. He will pressure the OP into keeping it and then leave her to do the grunt work because
A) that's what he does with his ex and
B) he doesn't want more children

JinglingHellsBells · 28/10/2019 08:59

For all of those who say he doesn't have a right to know...where are you coming from with that? I find it terrible that you think a man in a long term relationship shouldn't know he has created a child. That's immoral. This is not the result of a ONS. In that instance I'd say they didn't have a right to know but this is different.

OP I see what you mean about the relationship.

BUT you do need to face up to the facts that he will know as if you have a termination you will feel unwell for a few days. My close friend had a termination at around 9 weeks (abortion pill) and I metaphorically hand-held for her while she was losing it , sitting on the loo (long distance, by phone.)

In her case, her DH left the decision to her - he said it was her choice. Their relationship was in a bad way anyway but they are still together and often he has felt aggrieved that she did lose their child.

JinglingHellsBells · 28/10/2019 09:00

qwacky- you and I don't know the foggiest about the ex and his kids. I think you will find that it's mainly the mums who do the childcare when the children live with them! Not all couples have a 50-50 split with this .

gwackywacky · 28/10/2019 09:00

@JinglingHellsBells See my post above yours.

OP is undecided so he could sway her and that could be bad news.

JacquesHammer · 28/10/2019 09:01

where are you coming from with that?

Not his uterus, no rights.

JinglingHellsBells · 28/10/2019 09:02

@IonnaS- read my latest post about my friend. They were married so not quite the same. My friend's DH put her under no pressure at all. With hindsight that was part of the reason she chose to abort because he didn't seem overly keen to keep it. Men can't win sometimes!

gwackywacky · 28/10/2019 09:02

@JinglingHellsBells What are you on about? We do know because the OP told us and her turn of phrase was pretty damning despite her loving him.

JinglingHellsBells · 28/10/2019 09:03

*qwacky I don't agree. I think the OP is a strong woman who will decide what she wants, not what she is told to do. I also don't go for this no uterus no rights. Bollocks. Men have sperm and created a child. They have a right to know. Look at the law re sperm donors, which gives them rights!

gwackywacky · 28/10/2019 09:05

@JinglingHellsBells The law disagrees with you

JacquesHammer · 28/10/2019 09:11

He has a right to know as it's his child too

It isn’t a child. It’s a pregnancy. He has no rights to know.

Original poster
IonnaS · 28/10/2019 09:22

I'm not concealing it out of badness, I just don't think sharing it will do anything except spread the upset.

OP posts:
CleansUpDragonPoo · 28/10/2019 09:28

gwackywacky Mon 28-Oct-19 08:40:14
So your partner doesn't agree with abortion but he also leaves his ex to do most of the parenting, have I got that right? He doesn't sound great OP....

My mother didn't want children but had them anyway, she was cold and indifferent and made no effort to protect us from a heavy-handed father whose punishments for trivial misdemeanors would be considered assault today. I decided early on I didn't want children - my first boyfriend called me an unnatural woman and left me after shaming me in public. Years later I met him by chance, he told me he was divorced with four children and preferred being a weekend dad. This is what he would have done to me!

My point is, don't have children if your instincts are telling you not to. The relief you felt on seeing pinkness is a good indication, your partner's attitude is another.

I am happily childfree now in my 60s but my partner has two grown up children, I feel zero maternal instincts towards them or any other family children ie nephews and nieces, in fact usually differing degrees of irritation depending on their behaviour!, and am really glad I had a termination in my 20s.

Whatever you decide - I'm sending you many good wishes x

NightLion · 28/10/2019 09:29

Op, it does not bode well for your relationship if you can't be open and honest with your DP.

You could proceed with the pregnancy knowing that if your partner decides to be unsupportive, you will be going it alone, and bearing the brunt of child-rearing.

Or you could decide not to proceed. This is your choice and yours alone.

I think you need to speak to your partner. You may find it easier to make a decision when you have all the information you need.