To be considering a termination at 38

[IonnaS]

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

Realistically you will have to share it eventually. And the point of partners is to share ‘the upset’.

I understand why you’re reluctant to tell him until you get your head straight. But you may not get your head straight until you do tell him.

I can understand your reluctance to tell your partner. But at the same time it could be worse if he found out later. You're not looking at buying a sofa deciding argos or Ikea, it's potentially a child. He may want it he may not, unless you say you don`t know. However he may see it as an indication of his value in your relationship if he were to find out later that such a major decision was taken without his views being considered. In the shite language of mumsnet, big red flag, he doesn't count.

I don't see why you should tell him. You could ask him how he will help as a father and, no doubt, he'll think he will be ace. But you have a working example of how much effort he puts into being a father and you seem to have said in earlier posts that he is very loving but he "let's his ex do the heavy lifting".

I tend to find it more reliable to see how people act than to listen to what they say. People say all sorts of things that suit their idea of who they are when they don't have to get off their ass and actually do something.

So, if you think he will spin platitudes about how helpful and supportive he will be and that he will apply pressure on you to keep the baby, I'd also make an executive decision in peace.

But sharing this with your DP may help you decide what to do. He might say something that makes you see things from a different angle or make you think and feel completely differently.

From your posts you seem to have enough hesitation that makes me think it would be a mistake to rush into a termination just yet.

Maybe it's just meant to be OP. This could be your beloved son or daughter you didn't know was missing from your life until you had them.

"LittleBigTime Sun 27-Oct-19 21:31:12
@IonnaS are you me?! I am 37, and 9 weeks pregnant (accidentally, and unhappily). I am having a termination this week, but I have been back and forth on the decision.

I am married, and we do want a child but not now. The one reason to have this child would be the chance that it might not happen again, but actually we decided that wasn’t a good enough reason."

And very best wishes to you too, @LittleBigTime, will be thinking of you this week x

Dont do this for your mum or anyone else its you who will be the main carer by the sounds of it You hav to want this

He doesnt have to know its all done quite quickly even if you have a surgical procedure its a day surgery no overnight stay-fwiw i didnt feel any pain

Hi gabs - did you have local anaesthetic? Worried I might freak out on the operating table and end up doing myself an injury. Not sure I can cope with being held down. Is nightmarish.

TBH your reluctance to tell him speaks volumes about your relationship. If he loves you, he ought to be supportive and not influence your choice. If you f eel he will bully you into making a choice you don't agree with, deep down, he is not the man for you.

He is there for 'sharing' whatever happens to you. if you cannot share, it suggests you fear him and can't rely on him for support when shit happens.

Why be with someone just for the good times and when life is going smoothly?

You said upthread you were on a train and I guess you might be commuting somewhere. If you a re near a big city make an appt with Marie Stopes or another abortion clinic and get some counselling in RL.

@qwackywacky I'm not sure which law you refer to but the law says this- donors have rights. www.gov.uk/legal-rights-for-egg-and-sperm-donors

I've had an erpc so similar procedure but was under GA and I wouldn't have done it under local. I don't know if that is an option

You can have an abortion pill up to 71 days . You would not I think have a D&C with no GA.

I really
Hope
You are OK OP

No advice but lots of well wishes your way

It's vacuum aspiration rather than d&c. They just put a local in the cervix. Some people seem to find it fine and some people find it hellish.

Hi OP, I’ve had terminations in the past which I don’t regret at all as it was not the right time and they were not the right fathers. I always wanted a child someday though. I had a baby when I was 38 and whilst I adore her, would do anything for her and think on the whole I am a good mother, it is extremely stressful, tiring, physically and mentally and I don’t have anything like the sort of life I used to. My anxiety is worse as I’m always worried something will happen to her and she has not slept through the night still at 3 and a half years old. I’m constantly sleep deprived and I don’t think I’m generally more happy than I was before. As I said I do adore her, but if I had known what I know now, I would very possibly not have had a child. I would say that you are risking regret of course if you don’t have the baby, but you are also risking regret if you do so I think if in your heart you don’t have a strong desire to do it then you shouldn’t, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it - it’s perfectly ok to be child free.

In this moment I love you for writing that post, Georug x

All the people saying "you're having doubts so obviously you do want the baby", you could equally say "well you're considering abortion so obviously that's what you really want"; your own beliefs are making you skew to the side of 'keep it'. This is a big decision, so obviously the OP is thinking of all the pros and cons.

OP I am childfree, the same age as you and feel exactly the same as you about the human experience. If I got pregnant accidentally now I definitely wouldn't want to keep it, but nor would I want an abortion. I'd just like to click my fingers and not be pregnant anymore, with none of the moral quandary and 'what if I've been wrong about my beliefs this whole time?'. I really feel for you, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It sounds like your DP will pressure you to keep it (wouldn't we all have multiple kids if we could get away with doing as little as most dads?), but it's your life, health and body that will be irrevocably changed, not his. Think of you, your future and the kind of person you are. Please don't let guilt force your hand.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I think you should do what's best for your situation. Talk to your dp about it. There is nothing selfish about saying "I can't do this, I don't want to" and you have the option to not continue with this pregnancy.

I will say as pp has said, it's different when the child is yours. But then it's also better to not have a child of you're not sure if you want one.

Looking at it from a philosophical perspective (which seems to be important to you), this isn't a matter of choosing whether to create a baby but whether to continue with a life that you've already created.

You've created a genetically unique individual who has never existed before and won't exist again. Your choice is what you do about this, given that his or her continued existence will impact on yours.

Equally if you don't have this baby and you choose to have a baby in the future (and get pregnant) then that is a unique person who will likely not exist if dont terminate this one. Though one is an actual (but early) human and the other hypothetical.

Oh OP, you sound so conflicted.

No one can make this decision but you, and you know what? You don't have to make it yet. You have time.

Would having the baby and then placing it for adoption be an option for you do you think? That way at least you have until birth or thereabouts to decide if you want to keep it?

I had my 2 ds with the aid of fertility treatment (ivf) also had several miscarriages. They were very very much wanted children. I did however have a fairly flaky now ex partner who was quite happy to let me do everything if he could avoid it. I absolutely agree with georug that the first couple of years are stressful, anxiety inducing and exhausting, particularly if you've not had much interaction with babies and children before. You are literally learning on the job constantly. Add to that the sleep deprivation, the frustration when they literally don't sleep more than a few hours at a time, the crying...yes it all passes quickly, before you know it they're starting school, but I really did not enjoy the first 6-8 mths, it's a massive lifechanging experience and one not
easy if you've very little outside support and were unsure about it in the first place. Maybe you need to think how you would feel if your dp was more supportive ? Is his behaviour fuelling your doubts ? Wish you well op whatever you choose. Take care

@IonnaS Is there anyone in RL you can talk to? Forums are fine some of the time but you rally need a person in front of you to talk to.

Would you share with a friend, sibling, your parents?

This is too much to have going round in your head and simply talking to anon people in cyberspace.

Please open up to the people in your life who care for you, don't shoulder this alone, and /or get some professional non judgy counselling sooner rather than later.

I get the feeling you are talking about vacuum abortions as you don't want any evidence of bleeding in front of your DP. Forget about him in this and choose - if you do abort- the simplest and least painful option for you.

I think a part of me would feel improved by having to make the sacrifices that would need to be made.

This jumped out at me. Feel free to correct me if I'm way off beam OP, but this and many of your other posts have read that you believe at some level this is something you should do. Because that's what women are supposed to want. Because there are things about yourself you want to change and having a child might be a way of making those changes. Because your doctor tapped into that female socialisation that says we are supposed to be nurturers, carers, mothers and made you feel guilty for not having bought into it wholeheartedly.

It's absolutely fine to want a child. But it's equally fine not to. And no, having a termination doesn't automatically mean you'll regret it for ever. There may be regrets, but not everyone has them. Equally, not everyone feels that rush of maternal love. Most people do (that's how the species survives, after all) but it is one hell of a risk to take when another person's life and happiness is dependent upon it happening to you. Admitting that you wish you'd never had your children is still one of the great taboos so it's not often expressed, but it happens.

Good luck, OP. I think I know what I would do in your position but I'm not you, and only you can make that decision. I'm sure you'll make the right choice for yourself.

Can't be bothered about other people's kids. Love my little girl though. She is the best thing I have ever done. I wouldn't consider a termination at any age over 18, but that's just me.

Op, no one can tell you if you are too selfish or immature to have a child.

To add balance, to all those who say how tiring and difficult having children is: that wasn't my experience. Mine are good sleepers, and I don't think it's actually that hard being a parent: you just get on with it!

I also think he does have a right to know. How would you feel if he had concealed something so significant from you ? Maybe he will surprise you

I was exactly the same age as you when I became pregnant with dd1. It was a bolt from the blue

For me I thought it through as things happen for a reason and continued with the pregnancy.

Best thing I ever did. Had Ds 18 months later

I still don’t like other people’s children.

Only you can know what you need or want to do.

The fact you are having to think about it suggests it isn’t as cut and dried

Think very carefully.

I liked my life pre children and live it even more because of having children

Don't have a child you don't want