Am I a CF? To think that she wants to say no but doesn't know how?

[nomeansno1]

I’m starting work soon, and asked a mum friend of mine if she could look after DS3, Monday-Thursday 9-1pm, and take him nursery at 1pm just until Christmas. He’s at nursery from 1-4pm.

In return I will pick her kids up from school everyday, and take them to their activities and drop them home. They go to the same school and do the same activities/clubs as my older two children.
I asked her because she has a DD a year younger than my DS, lives opposite me, and she knows the nursery as her DC use to go there. She’s always said if I needed help, I should just ask. I just want her to help me out in the mornings.

I sent her the message yesterday, she has read it but hasn’t replied. Now I’m thinking maybe I’m coming off as a CF, and she wants to say no, but doesn’t know how. I’d rather her just say no, then completely blank me. It’s awkward, don’t know what to do now

4 hours childcare a day for taking her children to places you would be going anyway.

That's a real fist biter, OP. If I were you, I'd be looking into moving to avoid this poor woman, but given you asked in the first place, you probably aren't even ashamed.

I think the op has been fairly gracious in accepting she made an error of judgement.

I would text her now though, OP.

Hope it works out.

OP text her now apologising for your text. Does she even need someone to pick her kids up after school or is this just a 'payment back' you’ve made up yourself?

If I was you I’d keep an eye out for a CF thread saying school mum has just asked me for 16 hour free childcare every week for next 3 months!

Good on you though for checking out your request on mumsnet

I am gobsmacked that your plan was to pay for childcare in January with the money you earned taking total advantage of your friend for TWO MONTHS and you needed to write it down to see how appalling that is?!?!??
PS - don’t think you’re fooling anyone by not texting her because you want to apologise in person - you’re hoping she won’t be able to say no in person and you’ll get away with it, aren’t you?

Childcare for every morning? Wow... very cheeky, it's saving you a ton of money, and in reality, she isn't going to gain a lot from it. I don't think you should even have asked - it's taking advantage.

As a SAHM to a baby and a toddler I think you are a massive CF and your updates have only made it worse.

Op..yes huge cf and possibly illegally as you asking for 16 hours free childcare from unregistered person. What you offering in return in nothing. Apologies and get other childcare

From a childminding perspective its perfectly legal as long as you don't pay her. Reciprocal childcare is allowed, but nothing of value is allowed to change hands. X

@dramaticpenguin that’s not true. Two police officers got done for doing just that...

@justmakeitbetter She’s at home anyway?! Is this a joke? I was a childminder for years and comments like this just make me cringe. Yeah, because looking after someone else’s child takes no effort. It’s not a little help out, it’s 4 hours daily. What happens if friend is sick or has a sick child? Or she is home to be able to spend one on one time with her own child? Or the OP is running late an friend has an appointment to get to? The OP is asking far too much and is a CF.

Do you have a childminder in place for January?! That's no time away at all. You can't just randomly ring up your nearest one and get started the same week. Round here they're all fully booked months in advance.
Why can't your DS go to nursery from 9am?

Other than you not wanting to pay of course.

After Christmas I was going to use the money I make while she's looking after DS3 to pay for a childminder in January. God, that's sounds horrible reading that

Yeah, it does. I’ll pay a stranger to look after my child, but not my friend. Please just stop now.

Aw I'm beginning to feel a bit sorry for you now OP. It sounds like getting this is a big thing and you just didn't fully think it through. The way we all do when we're in a bind and desperately trying to problem solve. Hope you get sorted x

At some point in my life I may have considered this offer.

There was a brief moment between jobs where ds (5-6 years at the time) was a nightmare after pick up from school and I dreaded picking him up but we couldn’t do any after school activities as he was uncooperative, just went to the park to let off steam and then home to feed and get ready for bed. But you wouldn’t have wanted to deal with him either. I was so happy to go back to work and have him stay at after school care to burn off this energy And shorten the after school routine. But honestly he was so difficult back then I wouldn’t have wanted you to deal with him either.

But I would have found a 1pm drop off a struggle as my youngest would have been at a morning toddler group or something and we used to just go home to relax a few hours before pickup. He never napped but loads of toddlers do.... right at this time and I imagine putting her sleeping toddler in a pram and pushing him to nursery and back with your little one could cause problems.

Why have you agreed to start working when you have no childcare? That's the main problem. The only reason I can think of is that you fully expected this poor woman to provide free childcare.

I honestly think people who say, "I would do this" don't realise that they are not asking themselves, they are asking someone else. You have chosen to work those hours and this woman has chosen not to. There are a huge variety of reasons why this might be the case but it's fair to assume she is earning less and perhaps making a sacrifice in her career in order to do this. Why should she, and her child, not then benefit from the time together alone?

You say, op, you would do this but you are also prepared to give up your after school time with your child to collect hers. Clearly you have a different set of priorities to her.

I think it’s annoying you say ‘ I would do this if I was at home’. Insinuating she’s just sat around ‘at home’ because she doesn’t WOH.
She will have house work/ her own toddler to look after/groups to go to etc. And then you expected her to take your toddler to nursery!! WTF! So every day at 1pm she’s expected to walk (you said she doesn’t drive) your child to nursery. No thought for her plans and life. It’s shameful.

Wow. How you can even ask someone to do that for you is beyond me.

You’ve made a huge mistake, if I was you I’d do some damage limitation now. It’s highly unlikely you’ll see her on the school run as she’ll be avoiding you at all costs, Probably till Xmas! I’d send a message now saying I’m a tit, I lost of my senses for 24 hours and that your mortified. Id ask if you could never talk about it and pretend you’d never sent the message.

Sadly tho, I think you may have lost your friendship.

That is not a favour, it's asking her to be an unpaid childminder. What you're offering in return is hardly anything, and she hasn't even said she wants that. (I wouldn't.) I offer to help friends out if needed, but that request would shock me, and I wouldn't know how to respond either. I wouldn't even want to commit to16 hours childcare a week for my nieces and nephews, just the occasional sleepover at the most.

I think you should apologise and ask her to forget you asked this.

I’ve reread the OP and you say ‘she knows the nursery as her kids used to go there’. Big deal. She was expected to look after your son then cart him to nursery every day?! That she wasn’t even going to.

Op please text her before tomorrow

I’m so embarrassed for you