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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think private school has denied this kid a right of passage

242 replies

everythingnotsavedwillbelost · 27/10/2019 07:07

There was one kid in my DD’s primary that went to private school. Gets driven there every day. All the other 89 kids in the year went to the local comp, walk together in groups & have carried on the friendships from primary.
I know it’s the parents choice but it honestly reminds me of billionaire boy! This poor kid still lives in the area & has to watch all his friends walking together etc. Hasn’t settled well in new school & wants to hang out with old mates most of the time.
I get why the parents have done it- smaller classes etc but it seems like such a coddled existence. Secondary is a bit of a right of passage in some ways- they have to make their own way to school & grow up a bit. This kid won’t have that experience as the school is out of town & will always need to be driven. It sets him apart from his mates (which I guess is the nature of private education)
Aibu - I feel a bit sorry for the kid!

OP posts:
Sostenueto · 27/10/2019 10:25

Well I say! Socialising is far more important than a good education? Tosh!
My dgd goes to school in another county all her schoolfriend's live over 30 miles away. She has a friendship group in 6 th form and been mates with loads since year 7. She has social media occasional meet ups with friends during holidays etc. That is about all the socialising she wants/needs.
She has more important priorities and as she said when she goes off to uni next year her mates will be going their own way and she will make new friends. P.s. she is quite capable of walking to school on her own ( actually going by train) and dies not feel the need to be accompanied.

INeedAFlerken · 27/10/2019 10:26

Lucky kid! Presumably getting a better education and support, why his parents put him there, and he gets to keep his old friends after school and at weekends it seems. Win win.

MorrisZapp · 27/10/2019 10:26

I agree somewhat. My DS is 9, and one of his best friends will be heading off to private at the end of the year. Its all very well saying oh but they can still maintain their friendship, but in practice boys that age won't be making their own social plans, and the boys mum will understandably want to prioritise his new friendships.

I get that they have their own strongly held reasons for doing it, but for me at this age I think the kids need continuity and familiarity, not wholesale change.

The state school they all currently attend is superb by the way, I'm baffled by the idea that there could be a better school in existence. I'm not against private education but literally, if I won the lottery I wouldn't take DS out of his wonderful school.

Sostenueto · 27/10/2019 10:27

If you can afford private education good luck to you. I can't but still believe in getting a good school. Local comp might be great however ( ours are not) and each to their own!

CatkinToadflax · 27/10/2019 10:30

OP, would you have started this thread if the boy’s family had moved house to a town an hour away and was now attending the comp in the new town? Genuine question, I’m not trying to be goady.

Jacques yes I too am waiting for MN Private School Mum to arrive on this thread! Wink

Dahlietta · 27/10/2019 10:32

There are some massive and ignorant assumptions on here

Yes, on both sides.

MorrisZapp · 27/10/2019 10:33

I'm sorry I used literally and lottery in the same sentence :)

Thinking about it, my brother and sister are still best friends with the people they met in primary school. In my sisters case, her closest friend has been with her since the age of 5. This close friend has now married into our family and is my very wonderful sister in law! We live in a city by the way in case this all sounds a bit Deliverance.

My own friendships were a bit more complicated. I too had a 'best friend' since primary one, but as we grew older she was a bit of a cow. I'm still very fond of her but we rarely meet up. I met my best friends at university and later at work.

When I look at DS I feel certain he'll be friends with at least some of his current gang for the rest of his life.

Snoopdogsbitch · 27/10/2019 10:33

Clavinova I don't think I need to answer for an entire city! Don't be so simplistic- there will be many, many factors influencing that statistic, not least the SIMD being very high in many areas and years (due to, in no small part, the decimation of industry and political football playing by the SNP- but that's for another day) and years of austerity making SOME schools less well resourced in terms of teacher numbers.

Additionally, it all depends on how you draw the boundaries, where is included in that statistic. I'd like to see you take the parents of kids in Bearsden, Milngavie, Newton Mearns or Jordanhill to task about education in their areas and the qualifications their children have got in their local high schools ( Jordanhill school tops the polls in the entire city including private).

And which city has topped the poll this year? Are you going to slag it off without knowing anything about the area? Why don't you tell me where you hail from and I'll do some very blindsided research on it? You idiot.

Preparingfor · 27/10/2019 10:38

My DC's both went to private school and I can say with 100% certainty that they didn't meet a single influencing person in all their time there. Those kind of schools, Eton, St Paul's etc as such a tiny minority of the schools out there, the connections assumption is vastly over egged. I was worried that they would be disconnected from their local primary friends and to be honest they did lose touch but they've made loads of different friends who they wouldn't have met otherwise so that's fine.

I had a very lonely school life as I was sent away to a Catholic grammar day school, I pretty much hated every bloody minute that I was there and desperately wished I'd gone to the local comp. I have no idea whether it was any good back then in the '80's but I had very few local friends and felt quite miserable. My parent's did what they thought was best for me at the time, I came out with zero qualifications so the whole thing was a massive waste of time. My DC's experience of being 'bused' out was very different to mine thank god.

MintyMabel · 27/10/2019 10:47

DD will be driven to school and won’t walk in with her mates because of her disability. Is denying her a “rite of passage” yet another thing I have to worry about now?

Oh, and the local comp is excellent so I don’t go with the ‘better education’ arguments either!

The local comp won’t be excellent for every child. It will suit most of the highly academic kids, but not those who need a bit more help.

RedskyToNight · 27/10/2019 10:50

I was also that child. I stayed "mates" with local friends for a while, but the inevitability of my being out for longer days plus losing the common ground of talking about school means that the friendships quickly dwindled. And of course I was deemed "posh" by quite a few so disowned anyway. I ended up with fantastic exam results but huge issues with social confidence and self esteem. IMO the former are easier to get than the latter is to fix. It's no surprise that my DC go to the local comp.

My niece and nephew are also now "that kid". They have plenty of friends at their school but don't really see them as they live too far away. I was discussing with SIL what our DC do in the holidays, and I mentioned that mine are basically out constantly - either out on their bikes or meeting up with friends. SIL said her DC are happy just to sit in the garden. She didn't see anything wrong with this but I think it's incredibly sad that sociable teens (which these are) spend their out of school time sitting in their garden on their own.

HiJenny35 · 27/10/2019 11:00

Load of rubbish, I'm a teacher so don't believe in private education however you're talking rubbish. I was bullied to and from school. Walking to school was dreadful. Walking in the rain and cold. Hated the large class sizes and did very badly only thriving once I got to college with smaller groups and away from certain kids. Also kids from private schools generally do better later in life so do you really think in twenty years time with a nice car and house and well off that he's going to be sad that he missed the 'right of passage' of dragging himself to school in the cold rather than being driven in a warm car?

LadyAllegraImelda · 27/10/2019 11:01

See that is why I am glad I moved away from my small town, they breed people with small cliquey judgemental minds.

queenbodenica · 27/10/2019 11:04

Completely agree with the OP. I was that child.

MrMumble · 27/10/2019 11:10

I went to the local comp. Was bullied, had some friends who I lost contact with and also came away with a pretty shit and patchy education. So yeah...wish my parents had prioritised education a bit more.

Drabarni · 27/10/2019 11:11

Mines a boarder, she left her old friends too, whilst on sm with a few she kept in touch with, hasn't looked back.
Maybe this child will settle in time, it's early days yet, only just done half term.

Cautionsharpblade · 27/10/2019 11:14

See that is why I am glad I moved away from my small town, they breed people with small cliquey judgemental minds

Yep! Got on the first bus out of there as soon as I could and never went back.

There’s a comedian from my town who said constantly being jeered at as a child/teen for being slightly different was good preparation for live work and that hecklers never affected him.

Drabarni · 27/10/2019 11:17

Why do these threads always turn into a "let's bash private schools" thread?

They don't turn, they are started to bash, usually out of jealousy.

Preparingfor · 27/10/2019 11:18

Load of rubbish, I'm a teacher so don't believe in private education

Er, don't teachers teach in private schools too Hmm

LBOCS2 · 27/10/2019 11:25

I think you're coming from a very isolated perspective OP.

It's completely normal for children to be split up at the end of primary school. It's a whole new round of applications to different schools and they'll go in lots of different directions. They'll make friends there, with all the other children that have gone to those schools. It's really very unusual that you'd expect to be with the same people all the way through from nursery to sixth form, it just doesn't work like that - or at least, it doesn't in any vaguely urban area. And it's good for all the children, to meet different people, to integrate themselves into new social groups, to make new friends. Private vs state doesn't come into it.

somecakefather · 27/10/2019 11:28

He’s going to school for an education, school isn’t a social club

Don't be silly, of course school is more than just education.

JacquesHammer
What sort of snobbery are you imagining?

Not imagined, I'd say OP is referring to this shite...

When he sails past into his Russell Group University and on to his stellar career while his old mates struggle despite being more able will you still feel sorry for him?

JacquesHammer · 27/10/2019 11:30

Not imagined, I'd say OP is referring to this shite

She quoted my post. I was asking in response to that.

Let’s face it, I’m as sure as can be that the reason kids who go to private school are more isolated is from an EQUAL shortcoming of some parents. The snobs and the inverse snobs all do their kids a disservice.

Fucket · 27/10/2019 11:33

I think it’s none of your business. I would prioritise my children’s education whether or not they got to walk to school with their mates.

I say this as a teen who went to s school out of my rural area. Sure it’s boring and you don’t get as many opportunities to meet up with mates, it still happened. On the plus side if you’ve got no one to distract you from your studies you should have ample opportunity to do revision and homework.

Trewser · 27/10/2019 12:06

God forbid any child should be different and not follow the herd! It's scraping the barrel when buying chips with your mates after school becomes the be all and all of a good education!

Phoebesfleas · 27/10/2019 12:12

This was me and I disagree with you op, I don’t think I would be in the position I am now if I went to the local comp, at the age of 11 I was a wilful child and easily led, unable to think about consequences to my actions, I needed firmer boundaries and rules which private secondary gave me.

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