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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think private school has denied this kid a right of passage

242 replies

everythingnotsavedwillbelost · 27/10/2019 07:07

There was one kid in my DD’s primary that went to private school. Gets driven there every day. All the other 89 kids in the year went to the local comp, walk together in groups & have carried on the friendships from primary.
I know it’s the parents choice but it honestly reminds me of billionaire boy! This poor kid still lives in the area & has to watch all his friends walking together etc. Hasn’t settled well in new school & wants to hang out with old mates most of the time.
I get why the parents have done it- smaller classes etc but it seems like such a coddled existence. Secondary is a bit of a right of passage in some ways- they have to make their own way to school & grow up a bit. This kid won’t have that experience as the school is out of town & will always need to be driven. It sets him apart from his mates (which I guess is the nature of private education)
Aibu - I feel a bit sorry for the kid!

OP posts:
adaline · 27/10/2019 07:29

I think this is fairly common when children attend state primary and then go to on attend a private secondary.

People can dismiss it but it does change your friendships. You're suddenly not local anymore, you miss out on five days of socialising and gossip and friendship and no longer get invited to parties or weekend days out you're not there everyday to ask.

And yes, it is isolating and it is hard when you're only 11 or 12 and just want to see your mates.

DonkeyHotty · 27/10/2019 07:29

Iggly it can be relevant when inverted snobbery is at play. As a op said, I too was accused of being a snob (again probably thanks to their parents’ issues) and this alienated further.

DonkeyHotty · 27/10/2019 07:30

Sorry - damn autocorrect.
Pp not op, and thus not this.

Wildorchidz · 27/10/2019 07:30

He’s going to school for an education, school isn’t a social club.

School is about much more than education.
I feel sorry for the child. However, it’s his parents,not the school, who made this choice for him.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 27/10/2019 07:31

But this is not your child? Is it a relation? I'm honestly too preoccupied with my own kids to give other families a second thought.

Mayborn · 27/10/2019 07:31

No time to socialise is bollocks. They have every weekend and 20 weeks of school holidays a year. If the other kids are shutting him out then then the problem is due to their behaviour not the school move. Anyway, most kids spend more time socialising on SM than they do in person, it’s totally different to how we grew up.

It’s really NOYB OP, you sound like you’re jealous and have been waiting for an opportunity to bash the private school kid and now have faux sympathy now one has come up.

I grew up in the same way the 89 kids you’re describing, I couldn’t wait to leave the small minded nature of the town where everyone’s cliques and social status were established from age 11. You were either cool, invisible, or “sad” (I was invisible). It’s not all that.

adaline · 27/10/2019 07:31

@Iggly the private aspect is absolutely relevant. Lots of kids get picked on and given stick and abuse for going to private school when their mates are at state school.

There's definitely a divide there and to pretend there isn't doesn't really help things. Private school can be very isolating if none of your old friends go there too.

TulipsTwoLips · 27/10/2019 07:31

Well I was driven to state school as I live in a village, and my niece walks to her private school as it is close enough for her to do so. Like many have said, it’s the distance not the fact that it is a private school!

Margotshypotheticaldog · 27/10/2019 07:32

Is it your child's best friend?

FriedasCarLoad · 27/10/2019 07:33

I lived 10-20 miles from all of my friends at my independent school. I got the bus (when possible - rural) or got lifts to see them. Parents ended up doing a lot of driving around, but I wasn’t lonely.

The benefits of my education were worth the inconvenience of living further away from friends.

Original poster
everythingnotsavedwillbelost · 27/10/2019 07:33

I love how EVERY time a mild comment about private school is mentioned on MN, you are accused of being jealous etc etc. I genuinely do feel sorry for the kid- he’s a friend of my DD and is really unhappy with the choice of school & being different from his friends.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 27/10/2019 07:33

I am sure my Ds would do much better at school if he was in a different class to some of his mates.

No I don’t feel sorry for him.

stucknoue · 27/10/2019 07:33

I would be very surprised if 89 kids went to one secondary, even when we lived in a rural area kids went to 3 different schools plus a splattering to private. Sounds like an envy post to keep. Parents choose what they think is right, he'll make new friends (perhaps one of the reasons his parents chose it) my kids went through comp and if I had my time again they wouldn't, it was terrible how much kids mucked about by year 9/10

Ginfordinner · 27/10/2019 07:34

I also disagree with GreenTulips. School is where you make friends.

Lockheart · 27/10/2019 07:35

I know what you mean. I went to a boarding school as a day pupil. It meant most of my friends were from other parts of the country or other countries entirely! Plus I lived in a very small village, so almost no other children to begin with. It was very isolating and when I was older and got jobs in local shops and bars it was clear all the other teenagers working there, who'd gone to the same local school, saw me as an outsider.

adaline · 27/10/2019 07:35

@Mayborn I was at private school and I certainly didn't have weekends and holidays to socialise with my old friends.

Firstly I had Saturday school which took away any Saturday morning socialising (and ruled out any days out).

I often had longer holidays which meant my friends were at school when I was stuck at home. I couldn't see my friends from school because we all lived too far apart.

And unfortunately when you move school and are no longer part of that daily circle of friends you do get isolated and forgotten about. Especially when your private school day ends late and you're not home until 6pm so its not as though you can go out after school either!

I certainly found it a very isolating experience being at private school.

swingofthings · 27/10/2019 07:36

My experience is that once at secondary, friendships change very quickly. Neither of my kids remained friends with their primary school friends by the time they were in year 8. They'd talk, but were not in the same circle.

This boy will make new friends too. I don't believe in the value of private education personally, but I don't think it was selfish of his parents to change him school and although I do feel sorry for him that it isn't very nice at first, I don't feel sorry for him longer term.

Original poster
everythingnotsavedwillbelost · 27/10/2019 07:36

@stucknoue I come from a town where there is only one school. All the kids go there. It’s really not that unusual. And it’s a good school. And I went to a good university.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 27/10/2019 07:37

I would be very surprised if 89 kids went to one secondary, even when we lived in a rural area kids went to 3 different schools plus a splattering to private

Good point. DD was in a school year of 18. They went to a mixture of 7 different schools; state comps (4 different), selective grammars (2 different) and private (2 different)

Bluerussian · 27/10/2019 07:37

It's very early days yet, by the end of term he may feel differently. I'm sure if he remained unhappy his parents would take him away but it can take time to settle into big school.

TeddybearBaby · 27/10/2019 07:37

A friend of mine feels like you. Her son went to the local comp along with everyone else and is LOVING it. Happy at school and wanting to go every day. He’s not in a great school (my opinion) and hasn’t made any new friends / experiences which I don’t think it’s very healthy either tbh.

My son went to a grammar and didn’t know a soul. He said on his first day ‘I can’t wait to meet all new people and make new friends’. He can still see these local kids at the weekend if he wants and he does. Best of both worlds for me, I couldn’t be happier with our decision.

HeyNotInMyName · 27/10/2019 07:38

Honestly? It’s only a few months into the year.
Forging new friendship takes time. Wait until the end of the year and your attitude might be different.
As for his friends, again wait until the end of the year, start of year 8 and you will see friendship dissolving as they meet new people and move on.

And tbh, if said child is sad because he SEES his friends going to school together, then
1- he can’t be living that far from the school he is going to (even if his parent is driving him there)
2- im wondering at what time he is starting. Our local private school starts earlier than the local comp and I thought that was quite a general thing to happen.

Which makes me wonder. How do you KNOW the child is sad?

Vulpine · 27/10/2019 07:39

Anyone who drives their kids to school, private or otherwise, when there are other viable options is a bit of a twat

5zeds · 27/10/2019 07:39

When he sails past into his Russell Group University and on to his stellar career while his old mates struggle despite being more able will you still feel sorry for him? Or will you then conveniently forget the sacrifices he made socially and his family made financially? They’ve chosen one path and you’ve chosen the other. You may both end up at the same place or the outcomes might be more typical.

Original poster
everythingnotsavedwillbelost · 27/10/2019 07:40

@JacquesHammer in wales, where I come from, as I mentioned above, that really doesn’t happen. Everyone in my town went to one school as that’s all there was. And it was a good school with a high percentage of kids going to top universities.

OP posts: