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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think private school has denied this kid a right of passage

242 replies

everythingnotsavedwillbelost · 27/10/2019 07:07

There was one kid in my DD’s primary that went to private school. Gets driven there every day. All the other 89 kids in the year went to the local comp, walk together in groups & have carried on the friendships from primary.
I know it’s the parents choice but it honestly reminds me of billionaire boy! This poor kid still lives in the area & has to watch all his friends walking together etc. Hasn’t settled well in new school & wants to hang out with old mates most of the time.
I get why the parents have done it- smaller classes etc but it seems like such a coddled existence. Secondary is a bit of a right of passage in some ways- they have to make their own way to school & grow up a bit. This kid won’t have that experience as the school is out of town & will always need to be driven. It sets him apart from his mates (which I guess is the nature of private education)
Aibu - I feel a bit sorry for the kid!

OP posts:
Sunnyuplands · 27/10/2019 09:09

We are 6 weeks in. It would be unnatural surely to not miss friends and established friendships?

Give it a school year then see how he feels. Its far to soon to judge anything yet Confused you have not said you know why he's moved either. He may desperately need smaller classes, there is stuff going on you have no idea about...

If he stays, he will have learned valuable skills. He will make friends from all over the area, and broaden his horizons.

He will geographically get to know his area better Grin out of his small rural village where everyone knows everyone's business.

Wehttam · 27/10/2019 09:09

LOL that kid will feel perfectly fine in a few years when he’s skiing in Verbier with his classmates and on his mates yacht in St Barts with his incredible education. His old friends back home will be watching on Insta wishing their parents had had enough money to send them to private school. Life’s a bitch ain’t it.

Hoppinggreen · 27/10/2019 09:10

My Dd lives closer to her Private school than 99% of her friends at The Comp, and she’s getting an education more suited to her needs so it’s win win
Not your kid OP, not your business

SoundsAboutRight · 27/10/2019 09:13

@horse4course
I don't really mean your kid is riff raff but that's how people who send their kids to private school think. Their kids get a lifelong step up through life by networking with the children of successful people.

That's hilarious, what utter tosh!!! Grin

Soontobe60 · 27/10/2019 09:14

How do you know all this about this boy, OP?
Oh, and for future reference, it's 'rite' of passage.

lazylinguist · 27/10/2019 09:21

Gosh I think having no options even in the state system is very unhealthy

I'm not sure that's true tbh. In some ways it would be better if everyone went to their nearest school, instead of the 'them and us' situation created by parental choice where one local school becomes the 'aspirational mc choice' and another school gets everyone else. It becomes self-perpetuating. You can't blame parents for choosing what they perceive to be the 'best social fit' for their child (I'd do the same), but in a way it would be better if nobody could do that.

Bellringer · 27/10/2019 09:23

He is being educated into a different community. That's the point of it, the education may not be any bettter but he will meet people who may be useful later and go to a better university

C8H10N4O2 · 27/10/2019 09:28

Everyone in my town went to one school as that’s all there was. And it was a good school with a high percentage of kids going to top universities

Those two are often related. The entire community has a vested interest in making the school a success rather than a subset opting out of that responsibility. It says a lot about the community that it supports the school for everyone so that everyone has opportunity.

This is also commoner than some posters seem to have experienced, especially in small towns/rural areas where one large comp is the only commutable school (unless you have the mum taxi free to drive you for hours every day)

Hoppinggreen · 27/10/2019 09:29

Yes, I absolutely think that non Private school kids are “rif raff”
I could barely look at DD before she went to Private Secondary and if her mates from the Comp come round I recoil in horror.
Thankfully DS will be miraculously transformed from Rif raf next Spetember too so all will be well

Equimum · 27/10/2019 09:29

In my own experience, friendship groups change quite a lot over the first couple of years at secondary, and by my second year, I wasn’t really friends with the children from my primary school.

It’s also quite unusual with such a huge cohort, for all but one to go to the same school. Even in our rural village, of the twenty children who leave each year, children usually already between at least two schools. Interestingly, children from both schools tend to carry on friendships out of school.

I wouldn’t say this is fault of private education, or even really his parents, but more a very unusual situation where so many people seem to make the same choice of school.

CookieDoughKid · 27/10/2019 09:32

Don't feel sorry for him. He'll make friends, rich wealthy friends, have access to a lot more opportunities, programs, and be in an environment where excellence is a already a standard. He'll be better connected, polished, and and have a leap start than the comp folks and generally not suffer from the resource and budget constraints of the comp.

Wheat2Harvest · 27/10/2019 09:33

Well the kid is quite unhappy because he wants to go to school with his mates

In time he will make new mates. Or friends, even.

Might I be detecting a tinge of misplaced envy that this boy's parents could afford to send him to a private school? I would have sent mine to a private school had I been able to afford it.

Vulpine · 27/10/2019 09:33

Lazylinguist - completely agree.

GooseFeather · 27/10/2019 09:34

He'll be learning which rite to write, right? 🤣

*I don't really mean your kid is riff raff but that's how people who send their kids to private school think.". Yes, absolutely, 93% of kids are all riff raff, not even fit to wipe the mud off my boots. Or alternatively, bollocks, we have just made a different lifestyle choice, which we are fortunate enough to be able to afford.

Thousands of kids get driven to school all over the country, it is not a private sector privilege. Are all those state educated kids suffering from this terrible isolation brought about by not walking? Or is it just restricted to being able to have a poke at private school kids?

DialANumber · 27/10/2019 09:34

When he sails past into his Russell Group University and on to his stellar career while his old mates struggle despite being more able will you still feel sorry for him?

This is an amazing statement but I see it's backed up and replicated on this thread! Going to your local school does not in anyway guarantee a lifetime of wasted potential and a clutch of poor grades. How insane is this viewpoint?!

I went to a RG uni, and now teach at a RG uni... And went to my local comp! Grin

The vast majority of young people go to a state school. My friends for life from my comp are all in professional careers. I had a brief spell in a private secondary at the start and hated it. I have stayed in touch with some friends from there and most of them don't have professional careers, in fact most don't work at all as they are now trailing spouses. Those that do work have v similar jobs and career trajectories to me and my friend's from the comp.

Every family can make whatever choice is right for them and their child but choosing private is not some golden ticket of guarantee of stellar career, nor is going to a state comp a helter-skelter to a lifetime of unemployment. This hyperbole is mind-boggling!

Enko · 27/10/2019 09:35

Children get driven to non private secondary schools too you know OP..

Mine was taking the bus until this year 1 hour drive together with students who went to 5 different schools. Them not being directly wit their " mates" didnt mean they did not get anything out of school.

After a move my youngest 2 now walk to school daily. They walk with 1 or 2 friends so I would actually argue that they have less interaction walking than they did before.

Getoffmylilo · 27/10/2019 09:35

Nothing to do with being a private school, just a different school.

5zeds · 27/10/2019 09:35

@everythingnotsavedwillbelost

I went to a local comp. AND to to Russell group uni AND now have a good career. Private schools and Russell group unis are not mutually exclusive
I understand your point if it is that going to private school isn’t the only way to get on, but I think you’ve misunderstood what “mutually exclusive” means.

If you did attend a top university and go on to have a good career you can’t have missed the proportion of your colleagues who were educated at public school? Confused It’s a shocking indictment of our education system but definitely obvious and well reported. Parents choose where to send their kids to school to give their children what they think is the best chance in life. You choose local friends and his parents choose better academic outcomes. Neither of you can be sure which will get the desired outcome. Your child might become the hated one of the local kids and theirs might struggle academically.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 27/10/2019 09:35

I never got the bus or walked to school until 6th form, and even then only once or twice. That's not that unusual surely?

Vulpine · 27/10/2019 09:36

Hopping - your dd's private education is 'more suited to her needs' - im sure private education would suit many pupils needsHmm

demelza82 · 27/10/2019 09:38

Diddums - I'm sure that the wads of cash that he'll earn by getting jobs from his new mates in years will comfort him

Vulpine · 27/10/2019 09:39

And the denial on here that parents send their kids to private school for the connections is astonishing. I know for a fact that some of my friends and relatives who decided to go down the private route, this has been one of the factors

titchy · 27/10/2019 09:39

At least he'll know how 'rite of passage' is spelled...Wink

Trewser · 27/10/2019 09:40

Parents like the OP make me so so happy that my dcs are privately educated.

TabbyMumz · 27/10/2019 09:40

"Well the kid is quite unhappy because he wants to go to school with his mates 🙄"

He wont feel that unhappy when he gets better grades, then better job, house, cars, and still have new mates. Think this idea that hes so unhappy when he is better off is a bit childish.

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