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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think private school has denied this kid a right of passage

242 replies

everythingnotsavedwillbelost · 27/10/2019 07:07

There was one kid in my DD’s primary that went to private school. Gets driven there every day. All the other 89 kids in the year went to the local comp, walk together in groups & have carried on the friendships from primary.
I know it’s the parents choice but it honestly reminds me of billionaire boy! This poor kid still lives in the area & has to watch all his friends walking together etc. Hasn’t settled well in new school & wants to hang out with old mates most of the time.
I get why the parents have done it- smaller classes etc but it seems like such a coddled existence. Secondary is a bit of a right of passage in some ways- they have to make their own way to school & grow up a bit. This kid won’t have that experience as the school is out of town & will always need to be driven. It sets him apart from his mates (which I guess is the nature of private education)
Aibu - I feel a bit sorry for the kid!

OP posts:
Samplesss · 27/10/2019 08:02

Of course you can get into a RG uni from a comp, but (wrongly perhaps) it's a lot easier if you've been to a private school. It's naieve to think otherwise, especially with public education being cut to the bone and left without enough teachers, which is likely going to get worse.

ThatMuppetShow · 27/10/2019 08:02

Rural areas often only have one catchment secondary - there is no choice unless you can afford private transport to other schools

to be fair, there is also the same choice that a lot of us living in and around of London have to make, which is to move to be near a better choice or a better school. It's still a choice.

Vulpine · 27/10/2019 08:04

God i think it makes life alot easier if theres only one choice

Camomila · 27/10/2019 08:05

Lots of kids go to state schools an hour away though.

My city has one Catholic secondary school, DC come from the whole city and some nearby towns/villages.

DC that go to special schools might get taxied a similar distance.

My rural cousins used to get the school bus every morning at 7.15.

adaline · 27/10/2019 08:06

@ThatMuppetShow

It's only a choice if you can afford to move elsewhere, though. If you're stuck in town A because that's all you can afford, then that's where your kids will go to school. The same applies if you live in London Borough B and can't afford to move elsewhere.

PearlsBeforeWine · 27/10/2019 08:07

Private schools are generally out of walking distance because there's not that many of them. Mine was 10 miles away, my dcs' school is 8. It doesn't really take Einstein to work it out.....

horse4course · 27/10/2019 08:07

Lols keeping him away from riff raff like your kid and his friends is probably a major reason why they chose to send him there.

I don't really mean your kid is riff raff but that's how people who send their kids to private school think. Their kids get a lifelong step up through life by networking with the children of successful people.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 27/10/2019 08:07

It's all a bit hand wringy. Why do you care? How can you know whether he'll look back in 40 years time and agree with or regret his parent's' decision?

You can't make decisions about your children's education or upbringing based on FOMO.

Avenilson · 27/10/2019 08:07

he'll be ok, he'll find his way and make new friends. To be honest the cost of sending a kid to a private school is out of my financial situation and any money I have for their future is for college/university and those first few years when they try to find their feet within those institutions, so I get your point. If they are good enough they will succeed. If they are of average intelligence, a posh school isn't really going to change it, just give them the usual name dropping extra push.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 27/10/2019 08:09

@adaline

Lots of kids get picked on and given stick and abuse for going to private school when their mates are at state school.

Then lots of kids are reverse snobs and bullies Hmm

Leflic · 27/10/2019 08:11

Well in five years time when he has 11 grade 9’s, a part in prestigious local theatre, is a guitarist in a band for fun and plays sport to county level you’ll feel even worse.....

adaline · 27/10/2019 08:11

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea I'm just going by my own experience.

I went to private school and got loads of grief when I met kids from state schools. I got called stuck-up. A snob. I was told I was too good to hang out with them.

Private school may offer some great opportunities but let's not pretend it's some educational utopia for all its students.

ThatMuppetShow · 27/10/2019 08:11

Lols keeping him away from riff raff like your kid and his friends is probably a major reason why they chose to send him there.

that sort of comment only put YOU in a negative light you know, feeling bitter are we?

houselikeashed · 27/10/2019 08:13

OP - do you include this child and family in your social activities to help address this isolation?

PearlsBeforeWine · 27/10/2019 08:14

@horse4course

Load of jealous bollocks.

The only boorish prick I know at my kids school is a dad who I just can't stand. The rest of the Parents and kids are just.... People..

Grandmi · 27/10/2019 08:16

I was that child many years ago and absolutely hated school. Luckily I am still friends with all my friends who went to the state school! I def didn’t make that mistake with my children. They all decided and chose which secondary school they wanted to go to,took 11+ and loved every day of school.

fabulouslyglamorousferret · 27/10/2019 08:16

I get your point to a certain degree, but I certainly wouldn't give it more than a fleeting 'aww'.

Then I would remember that he will be given opportunities that the state school kids won't and it will be probably be worth it in the end!

I don't usually pull people up on their SPaG .... unless they proffer a clearly made up RG education 🤣

houselikeashed · 27/10/2019 08:18

My dc have been to a mix of state and private schools for various reasons along the way. Never lost touch with local friends, because they didn't want to. Unless the local kids/families are resentful it's not hard to stay in touch - if you want to.

houselikeashed · 27/10/2019 08:21

horse4course

I'm sorry, but you are just wrong. Maybe you think like that, but it's not the thinking of the people I know who use private schools.

Pinkginhelps · 27/10/2019 08:23

My DD went to a small village school in catchment for an outstanding state school. She visited that and really liked it. She also visited several private schools within the area which all require a taxi to and from rather than the local school bus with all of her peers. After much discussion, she opted for one of the private schools which she felt was the best fit for her. Over the past week, she has hung out in the village with her village school friends as she has continued to do since they all left Year Six. This weekend she will see some of her private school friends in the local town. She now has a larger group of friends than when she was in the village school so her life is in fact richer. Yes, the taxi ride and school days are long and sometimes she says she'd love to be able to hang out in the park after school with her friends from the local state school rather than working until 4.30pm followed by clubs and prep. However, she acknowledges that she has much longer holidays so it's swings and roundabouts. Yes, it's tough financially to privately educate her. However, it was a possibility and she chose it. I think if the boy and his parents (OP) make the effort to maintain both the old friendships and work on the new ones too, it's really not a huge issue. The only issue I can see is exclusion by his old friends. Are they shutting him out OP?

LynetteScavo · 27/10/2019 08:23

Most of my colleagues drive their kids to their state secondary schools.

I don't feel sorry for this child at all. Of course he's telling his old friends from primary he wishes he was still with them...he probably doesn't realise how underfunded their school is compared to his, or if he does he's doing his best not to let on how privileged he is.

I feel sorry for lots of kids, for lots of reasons, but not this one.

Topseyt · 27/10/2019 08:24

He’s going to school for an education, school isn’t a social club

Whilst it is true that academic lessons are extremely important, school is about much, much more than that. A school is a micro-community all of it's own. Kids learn to mix with a wide variety of other children and adults of varying ages and walks of life, unless you don't consider that important!

Most schools also run clubs (sports, art, drama etc.). as extracurricular and social activities.

Obviously there will be varying degrees of success there and problems can occur.

I get what OP is saying. Hopefully the child does manage to settle in to his new school. His old friends should still include him at weekends and during holidays as much as possible, and if he wishes them to. It may well feel rather isolating for him at the moment and I don't see it as an attack on private schooling to say that.

Not really sure that "rite (rite as in ritual, not right) of passage" is quite the phrase to apply, but I get the meaning behind it.

FreeStar · 27/10/2019 08:25

If his school is so far away that he doesn't have any time left to socialise, then how is he around to watch his friends walking to school? Surely he'd have set off to school much earlier and be arriving home long after they'd finished walking home.

I suspect you're exaggerating to make your point. Maybe you're just jealous and secretly worried he's getting better opportunities and education than there are at the local comp.

thirdfiddle · 27/10/2019 08:27

I walked to private school while people going to the local state school drove past. Then I moved to the local state school and got a lift/cycled/sometimes still walked but it took ages and nobody else did from my road so I'd be on my own. Neither way did I socialise much on school days, everyone had homework and hobbies. At the private school I walked with a couple of other local kids but they were just people who happened to live in my street, not specially friends.

I feel like the rite of passage is being exaggerated. It's not something most people get. The state school will also have kids from more rural locations who need to be driven in, are they lonely and isolated?

GnomeDePlume · 27/10/2019 08:27

It is interesting that a number of posters who had this experience arent writing very positively about it.

I dont think that many 11/12 year olds will be looking at their experience and thinking 'Oh well, it will be worth having a miserable few years as it will be worth it in the end'

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