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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think private school has denied this kid a right of passage

242 replies

everythingnotsavedwillbelost · 27/10/2019 07:07

There was one kid in my DD’s primary that went to private school. Gets driven there every day. All the other 89 kids in the year went to the local comp, walk together in groups & have carried on the friendships from primary.
I know it’s the parents choice but it honestly reminds me of billionaire boy! This poor kid still lives in the area & has to watch all his friends walking together etc. Hasn’t settled well in new school & wants to hang out with old mates most of the time.
I get why the parents have done it- smaller classes etc but it seems like such a coddled existence. Secondary is a bit of a right of passage in some ways- they have to make their own way to school & grow up a bit. This kid won’t have that experience as the school is out of town & will always need to be driven. It sets him apart from his mates (which I guess is the nature of private education)
Aibu - I feel a bit sorry for the kid!

OP posts:

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 27/10/2019 07:41

When he's an adult he'll realise that in 'missing out' on walking to the local comp he's been handed educational and social advantages. The people I went to primary school with who still live in the same area and still have the same group of friends thirty years on, haven't achieved much in their lives and have very little in terms of life experience. Their children are now friends and will repeat the pattern.

RolytheRhino · 27/10/2019 07:41

I disagree, op. Plenty of kids get driven to comprehensives, it's not exactly a rite of passage to walk to a school. I took the bus to a comprehensive and thus didn't live within walking distance of my friends. I still keep in touch with some of the friends now, it doesn't really make life difficult.

Were you educated at said local comp?

JacquesHammer · 27/10/2019 07:41

Everyone in my town went to one school as that’s all there was

Gosh I think having no options even in the state system is very unhealthy.

Original poster

everythingnotsavedwillbelost · 27/10/2019 07:41

@5zeds I went to a local comp. AND to to Russell group uni AND now have a good career. Private schools and Russell group unis are not mutually exclusive 🙄

OP posts:

Cautionsharpblade · 27/10/2019 07:42

Oh that was me! Except I got the bus. It certainly was a rite of passage as I bullied for years by children and adults alike for my parents’ decision. I was very lonely as a teenager as nobody in my town spoke to me.

Original poster

everythingnotsavedwillbelost · 27/10/2019 07:42

@JacquesHammer it’s a small welsh town where this kind of ingrained snobbery doesn’t exist

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 27/10/2019 07:42

I went to secondary school at the local comp, as did most of my local friends. After a few months there, however, we all made new friends and I ended up being best friends with girls who lived at the opposite side of town. I had to either be driven to their house or get two buses, but it didn’t matter. I don’t think this child has been denied anything: chances that he would’ve made new friends anyway. He might be saying he doesn’t like the new school just to try and fit in with his old crowd.

MrMumble · 27/10/2019 07:43

Yeah, he probably does want to go to school with his mates, doesn't mean he won't be grateful when he's older though.

JacquesHammer · 27/10/2019 07:43

it’s a small welsh town where this kind of ingrained snobbery doesn’t exist

What sort of snobbery are you imagining?

SomeonesRealName · 27/10/2019 07:43

I think for me it was the distance more than the fact that I was at private school, also the timetable as we finished at 4, whereas the local school finished at 3. Then I had a 26 mile journey mostly by coach, followed by a lot of homework- so my social circle was mainly the people on the same coach as we spent about 90 minutes a day together.

LucileDuplessis · 27/10/2019 07:45

I'm sure this kid will soon settle in and make friends at his new school. It's tough going to a new school where you don't know anyone, but can also be a good learning experience.

My DD has just started year 7 without any of her primary school friends - not a private school, but our primary doesn't feed into a specific secondary so her friendship group has been split between five different schools and none of the other girls are with her. She found the first couple of weeks really hard but is starting to settle in well now.

ThatMuppetShow · 27/10/2019 07:48

if you relay on the walk to school to be a rite of passage and develop independence, your kids really need to get out more.
Most kids I know moan to have a lift because they can't be bothered to walk - they still walk, but they start talking about their "own car" from VERY young

Kid is used to a group, is moving to another one, so has to make new friendship and get out of his comfort zone? Sounds very beneficial in the long run. He can have local friends, plus school friends and is expanding his horizon.

Yes, it might be a bit harder for the first couple of months, I bet he will thrive and will make new friends and the most of his new opportunities.

So chill OP, and stop looking down at other families who have made different choices - and my own kids are in state school btw!

Original poster

everythingnotsavedwillbelost · 27/10/2019 07:48

@jaqueshammer it’s bloody rife on this thread.
The idea that going to a comp in a small town restricts your life chances & that private education means Russell group & better life chances

The idea that everyone has millions of school choices & to not have that isnt very good. In small welsh towns there is often just the local comp!!

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 27/10/2019 07:49

Ah so it’s a competitive hardship thread? I live in a tiny yorkshire village. Do I win?!

There’s nothing “snobbish” about thinking lack of choice at secondary is unhealthy. It’s reality for a lot of people, doesn’t make it less unhealthy!

Mayborn · 27/10/2019 07:52

Don’t people in Wales have something more important to be doing right now? Good god OP get over it and move on with your day.

GnomeDePlume · 27/10/2019 07:53

I dont get some of the MYOB comments. I very much doubt that the OP is planning to sweep in and forcibly enrol the child into the local school.

The worry about isolation was one of the reasons why, when we lived abroad, we sent DCs to the local school rather than one of the International schools.

Distance will make it hard for the natural ebb and flow of friendships in the new school. If this child is travelling an hour one way then there could be children travelling an hour from the other side of the school. This can make friendships very formalised and brokered via parents.

Local friendships can be difficult to achieve and maintain with less shared experience, different school times and holidays.

ThatMuppetShow · 27/10/2019 07:54

The idea that going to a comp in a small town restricts your life chances & that private education means Russell group & better life chances

again, my kids are in state school, and outstanding school which is the only reason why I bought my house where it is! it still doesn't stop me from seeing how private school would offer a better education, better opportunities. There's a reason why parents have to find tens of thousand of pound just for the entrance fee every year, not just because the school blazer looks better.

MollyButton · 27/10/2019 07:55

I went to a different school form almost everyone from my primary - and was very relieved!
My DC's primary fed into a range of secondaries, and they all to varying extent remained friends with people who went to different schools. With mobile phones etc it is pretty easy.I do know someone who send both their sons to a local private school, the younger one was unhappy and would have prefered to be with his friends, eventually they transferred him to one of the state options in year 9, and he was much happier.

But none of this is any of your business.

adaline · 27/10/2019 07:56

When he sails past into his Russell Group University and on to his stellar career while his old mates struggle despite being more able will you still feel sorry for him?

Attending private school doesn't guarantee you any of those things! I went private and to an RG university earn just over 18k a year at age 30.

I was bullied horrendously throughout my time at school and suffered from severe depression and anxiety which lasted through university. My parents throwing money at my education didn't help my mental health and happiness one bit.

NataliaOsipova · 27/10/2019 07:58

I'm honestly too preoccupied with my own kids to give other families a second thought.

I thought the same!

But - looking at it as a logical outsider - from what you say, the parents knew what they would be getting from the state system (if there’s only one local comprehensive school and everyone goes there). Armed with that knowledge, they have decided (at significant expense) to do something different for their son, so we can infer that they have their own reasons for that choice. Presumably they’ll have considered the “all his mates going to the other school” when they made that choice but think, rightly or wrongly, that this further away private school is a better choice for their son. You sound very happy with your own choices - why do you care about theirs?

RolytheRhino · 27/10/2019 07:59

The idea that going to a comp in a small town restricts your life chances & that private education means Russell group & better life chances

As a side bar, I don't get the Russell group uni nonsense. I had no idea what it was until yesterday when I googled it and discovered I got into two Russel group unis without even trying within my academic life, and I'm no great shakes. It's not exactly difficult, is it?

homeworkery · 27/10/2019 07:59

Rite of passage, not right

adaline · 27/10/2019 08:00

Gosh I think having no options even in the state system is very unhealthy

That may be but it's the reality for millions of children. Rural areas often only have one catchment secondary - there is no choice unless you can afford private transport to other schools (we have one comp in our town, the second nearest school is 20 odd miles away with no public transport in between).

Verily1 · 27/10/2019 08:01

There are pros and cons of private Ed- linger journeys/ being out of the community/ losing old friends are some of the cons- but most would agree the benefits outweigh these in the long run.

Who stays friends with friends from primary into adulthood- not many!

JacquesHammer · 27/10/2019 08:02

That may be but it's the reality for millions of children.

Indeed. Hence why I said that in my next post

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