AIBU: people trying to scare me/put me off breast feeding

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I’m pregnant and due in January. Due to a traumatic pregnancy loss in second trimester previously, and a MMC before that, pregnancy has been tough and I’m trying not to put too many expectations on myself for labour/birth/feeding etc.
On the subject of feeding, I’ve said all along I want to try and give breast feeding a go, and if it doesn’t work out or I don’t get along with it, I won’t put pressure on myself to carry on. Seems like an open minded approach to me. But since I’ve said I’m going to give it a go, nearly all of my friends who are doing it or have done it have just gleefully told me stories of how awful it is.
Painful, difficult, stressful, bad for your mental health, you’ll never sleep again, it will ruin your relationship, you get no support etc etc
A couple of them are actively saying I should just skip to formula because it’s what they wish they could do.
MIL and DM have also said they don’t think I should breast feed as I’ve struggled with anxiety this year and why put more pressure on myself.

It’s made me feel a bit anxious and overwhelmed about a decision I was feeling quite positive about initially (and I’ve really struggled with the idea of planning for newborn as I still can’t quite let myself believe it wilL happen!).

AIBU to feel this way and think they’re being a bit unkind? AIBU to think giving it a go is the best way forward and going from there?

I’m probably feeling worse because I have a stinking cold and SPD so I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine anyway

I breastfed mine. It was difficult with my first and took about 2 weeks to really get established and then it was fine. Zero problems with my second.

People will always have an opinion on what you do when you become a parent.
I dont give advice but I always say that you should do what’s right for you and your baby.
Sounds like you have a great approach to bf. Give it a go and see how you get on

Yes, it hurts like hell in the beginning but there are loads of positives!
No getting up in the night to make a bottle, just drag out of moses basket, lie flat with baby on chest and doze.
No worrying about having enough formula when you go out, or needing to find somewhere to make up a bottle.
Burns off baby weight.
Natural immunisation.
You can pump and someone else can feed so not completely tying.
Fabulous excuse to sit on the sofa for hours cuddling baby.
Nappies smell sweeter imo, nearly vomited changing formula fed dn's nappy!

I loved it,even tho dd2 never took a bottle so I fed her completely exclusively myself. Fed both for a year, must've saved a fortune on formula.

give breast feeding a go, and if it doesn’t work out or I don’t get along with it, I won’t put pressure on myself to carry on

I think a lot of women feel like this but then when it does prove difficult, for various reasons, put themselves under enormous pressure to keep trying. I'm sure you're family are just trying to protect you

That said though definitely give it a go, I think you'd be daft not to. You may find it easier than most and really enjoy it, without trying you won't ever know.

I wasn't able to bf all 3 of mine - didn't stop me trying each time. The decision to stop was definitely hardest with the first

Thank you
That’s a good list.

The favourite seems to be “formula fed babies sleep much better, your make a rod for your own back with breastfeeding”

I've been breastfeeding now for over 2 years. I breastfed DD1 until she was 18 months and have been breastfeeding DD2 since she was born. Definitely have a go at it if that's what you want to do!

*you’ll

People love to stick their oar in don’t they?
I think your plan to give it a good go sounds great.

Congratulations

Hmmmm. I honestly don’t know if your friends are trying to be kind or unhelpful. I will give you my honest opinion though.

It’s a wonderful, beautiful bonding process with your child, plus once you’ve cracked it it’s bloody useful to not have to faff about sterilising bottles and carting stuff about. But initially it might be painful.

I’ve extended breast fed both my children but both times it was blimmin painful. That’s the time you’re going to want to give up. When your newborn is wanting to latch on constantly and your nipples are cracked and burning, you’re going to think to hell with it. So I have one piece of advice for you that might make the difference. Take every bit of advice you can from the beginning to get your baby’s latch correct. It’s an incorrect latch that will fuck up your nipples and make you want to quit. So look up local breast feeding clinics, look for independent breast feeding consultants, just gather together as much info as you can to help you.

Good luck!

Congratulations OP! I breastfed both mine and the first 10 days were definitely a struggle and then it was fantastic! No bottles to sterilise or make in the night, no formula to buy and lots of incredible bonding and so many health benifits for you and baby. I think the thing with breastfeeding is you need to give it more than 'a go'. You really need to persevere, even when it's really tough as it does get so much easier, but those first couple of weeks can be (not always) pretty hard. I'd definitely join a local breastfeeding support group on Facebook and make sure sure your baby's latch is great before leaving hospital. But most importantly Trust your body! It takes a few days for your milk to come in and it may feel like your baby isn't getting enough because it's always feeding but that is exactly what it's supposed to do, to up your supply.

Good luck OP, you can do it!!

I never wanted to breastfeed, because everyone told me this things you mentioned.

But.....I did all the research into how amazing it was for my baby and figured I’d feed just once or twice to see how it went.

Well I’ve fed them into toddlerhood and still feeding my 3 year old baby number 4!

Give it a go and decide fir yourself x

Your friends sound utterly unhelpful and idiotic. You're exactly right to give it a whirl! Then see how it goes. I breastfed both of mine and honestly it was fine. A real joy and so much less faff than all that bottle sterilising, warming etc. It took a week or so to get in the swing of things and nipples were sore to start, but in no time at all that was behind me and I didn't look back. Keep your quiet determination OP and do what YOU choose.

Your attitude sounds just right.
I'd suggest writing 2 lists of pros for both bf and ff. Make them the same length so as 'equal' as possible.
Then whichever approach you use or if you change from bf to ff you already have the benefits established in your mind and there is less sense of second best or failure. Its just different.

I breast fed both of mine till they were 1 year old, it was easy and it wasn't painful. The midwife at hospital latched my first born on and that was that. I found it extremely easy and didn't face any issues at all.

I know some people struggle but not all do, in fact most of my friends also BF with no issues. I wouldn't listen to anyone's negative stories and just wait and see how you get on, you might get on perfectly well like I did.

Well, it’s not nice of people to tell you horror stories, and you definitely aren’t unreasonable to want to give it a go. Even doing it for the first three days is worth it if you can because you give your baby colostrum. But in a way I think it’s good that people are making you aware that establishing BFing may not be easy. I do think that a lot of antenatal courses don’t prepare women for the fact BFing (particularly in the early weeks) can be a real challenge and require a lot of perseverance and then I think women feel like utter crap when they struggle. When I was pregnant I thought I’d just wave the baby around my boob and he’d latch on and it would all be marvellous. Wrong!

My experience - and the experience of a lot of my friends - was that it was really quite tough for the first 6 weeks but settled down around the 6 week mark and then was great. My son’s 13 weeks old now and I think BFing is brilliant.

But anyway, YADNBU to want to give it a go!

I bf both of mine. First took a little while for us both to figure it out (2 weeks?), second was easy. My second also slept through from 2 weeks old.

Biggest pro - everyone else has to make tea/snacks/meals whilst you relax and recover from birth as you have to do all the feeds. Bottle fed babies, visitors say ‘oh I’ll give baby the bottle to give you a rest’. My cousin didn’t get to sit down when she’d had her baby, she was busy making drinks etc.

I tried to breastfeed, it lasted 4 days and I hated it. If you were my friend, I wouldnt sugar coat it for you. I wouldnt be trying to put you off but at the same time i would give you a truthful account of my own experience. You do what u want but theres is downsides to breast feeding as there is with formula feeding. Like you say, give it a go

Buy yourself a copy of the positive breastfeeding book by Amy Brown. She is a leading researcher in infant feeding.

You might be interested that actually apart from the first few weeks there is no statistical difference in the waking of breastfed and formula fed infants. However, mums of formula fed little ones tend to over report sleep.

Breast milk is so much more than just food. Every baby has the right to the best start in life and that's only possible with a mother who is informed about her choices and supported with them. Whether that is breast feeding or safely and appropriately formula feeding.

As for FF babies sleeping better. For the first 8 months of DS's life he woke up to feed twice in the night from being about 12 weeks. After 8 months he sleeps through 14 hours most night and is still breastfeeding. It's 9 and he's still happily asleep, he went to bed at half past 7. So they do sleep. He had a feed before bed and will have one when he wakes up.

Women and pregnancy/lactation experiences are different. Your experience will not be the same as your relatives or friends, but anxiety could play a role on how breastfeeding goes for you and your baby.

I loved breastfeeding ds but the first few minutes of feeding from engorged breasts were hell.
The rest was fine. I had plenty, DS slept for up to 4 hours after feeding, and it was a ready meal.
Hardly any dirty nappies and they did smell nice!
No issues with intolerance to formula. It wasn't a problem to move to formula later on either.
See how it goes. Have some equipment as backup or for later on just in case.

I had the same attitude as you going into labour- ie give it a go & see what happens. We had some difficulties in the first couple of weeks but honestly ds took to it so wonderfully it was the best and I only just stopped in February this year (he was 21 months). If we ever have another I’d do exactly the same- see what happens and tell everyone else to shove it- everyone is different and you won’t know until you try. I would never have imagined myself as being so comfortable breastfeeding but honestly it was the most natural thing- best of luck to you

I found it actually very beneficial for me in terms of bonding with baby, although we had a rocky start as milk was slow to come in. If you want to give it a go, I’d recommend reading up about how breastfeeding actually works so you have some understanding, and also Googling in advance of the birth where you can access support locally if you then feel you need it.

It can be painful at first, but that can usually be eased by getting baby’s latch checked and also getting them examined for tongue tie if they seem to have a poor feeding technique.

But to ease anxiety around whether baby is getting enough, it’s well worth looking into how it works and what the signs are that baby might not be getting enough milk (and what you can do about that).

Oh, and out of our NCT group, the two worst sleepers were breastfed and formula fed respectively. Make of that what you will! Good luck!

I found it difficult at first, but once it was well established it was easy. I agree with everything lanbro says. The difference in nappies betwen a formula fed and breast fed babies was a revelation. I also found that it was a great comforter if DD was feeling grizzly.

To add to the list - breast milk is always available wherever you are, it is sterile, it is the right temperature, and the cat can't steal it

When I switched to formula at 6 months I realised just how much of a faff making up bottles was. Also, DD had the most horrendous constipation.

I work in the field OP and have done for years.

The reason that lots of women do this is because they have feelings of guilt that it didn’t work out for them, so they justify their decision to stop by exaggerating about how horrific it was.

It’s a really sad state of affairs. I don’t blame them at all, but I do see it happen often, and like you say it often puts off new mothers.

Breastfeeding can be difficult, and some women do have dreadful times. But it is a natural process that has been working well for thousands of years, and usually it does just that - works well.

If you experience pain, then there is something wrong, and support is out there to help (although it’s a bit of a postcode lottery sadly!).

Breastfeeding is more time consuming in the early weeks than formula, but it makes you sit and rest, and newborn babies need lots of time close to their mothers. It’s all natural.

Formula does not make babies sleep through - many breastfed babies sleep through from an early age, and they generally cry much less. Formula fed babies have more likelihood of infections, illness and gastric troubles.

Once breastfeeding is established, it is far easier than formula feeding. You need less equipment, and all you need to take when you leave the house is a nappy, wipes and spare baby grow.

You can also breastfeed one handed, leaving the other free for mn or eating a meal!

Good luck with it all

Just adding that latching is important. Pay attention to the best positions and how to get the baby to latch properly. Try different approaches if necessary.