AIBU: people trying to scare me/put me off breast feeding

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I’m pregnant and due in January. Due to a traumatic pregnancy loss in second trimester previously, and a MMC before that, pregnancy has been tough and I’m trying not to put too many expectations on myself for labour/birth/feeding etc.
On the subject of feeding, I’ve said all along I want to try and give breast feeding a go, and if it doesn’t work out or I don’t get along with it, I won’t put pressure on myself to carry on. Seems like an open minded approach to me. But since I’ve said I’m going to give it a go, nearly all of my friends who are doing it or have done it have just gleefully told me stories of how awful it is.
Painful, difficult, stressful, bad for your mental health, you’ll never sleep again, it will ruin your relationship, you get no support etc etc
A couple of them are actively saying I should just skip to formula because it’s what they wish they could do.
MIL and DM have also said they don’t think I should breast feed as I’ve struggled with anxiety this year and why put more pressure on myself.

It’s made me feel a bit anxious and overwhelmed about a decision I was feeling quite positive about initially (and I’ve really struggled with the idea of planning for newborn as I still can’t quite let myself believe it wilL happen!).

AIBU to feel this way and think they’re being a bit unkind? AIBU to think giving it a go is the best way forward and going from there?

I’m probably feeling worse because I have a stinking cold and SPD so I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine anyway

One thing I would say is to introduce a bottle early

Mmm. Pros and cons. also depends on your baby. I did this with my first, found it a complete pita. Expressing and bottle feeding, even once a day, with all the sterilising etc was tough compared to just bf.

There is also a risk introducing bottles and expressing may mess up breastfeeding supply and routine. Plus babies drink easier from a bottle so may fuss less- adding to supply paranoia.

Then at 4 months she decided she preferred the breast and never took a bottle again.

So I didn’t bother with the second and got on much better. Didn’t need her to take a bottle, and it’s only 6 m before they weaned and then could have cereal or yoghurt if I wanted to go out. I went back to work at 6m and bf til 2 years.

Your approach sounds reasonable OP. if you want to give it a go but aren't putting pressure on yourself that's a really good mindset to have.

Your friends/family are being unhelpful, ignore them. This is your baby and your choice, yes you should be prepared that some find it uncomfortable or difficult, some don't get on with it or can't bf for whatever reason and others simply choose formula but no one has the right to tell you not to breastfeed.

Be confident in your own choices OP and congratulations!

I found breastfeeding hard at first. It took a couple of months to work it out with DC1, but once sorted it was so natural and I fed til 18 maths.
Was much easier (but still difficult at first) with DC2 and I fed til 17 moths.
It’s up to you, but as long as DC is fed and warm, it will be fine 💐

Agree sleeping is largely genetics. Mine were shit sleepers even after switching to formula, even after going on solids, even after learning to walk! All the usual "Oh they'll sleep better when....." milestones.

They only started to sleep through at 2.5 even though they stopped having a bottle at night at 8 months! Its just the way they're made.

I had this too. I did breastfeed with my first for a few weeks but unknowingly had a poor latch and so was in a lot of pain. I then mixed fed and slowly transitioned on to formula.

Having been quite ambivalent about breastfeeding when pregnant, I found that when I was a hormonal new mum it was very visceral and I cried my eyes out when I had to send DH out for formula because I just couldn't face it. I couldn't see past the next feed and was very upset.

I am pregnant now and will be trying again, hopefully with better skills than last time and I will be getting an electric pump to express as well.

I think your give it a go plan sounds like a good one OP. Two things I would say though, get some decent nipple cream and if you intend to express try and get the best pump you can afford, I found expressing far harder than breastfeeding.

If bf were really so impossibly difficult, none of us would be here, woukd we? The whole human race would have died out!

It can be tricky to establish and there will be times you are sore and may even need a nipple shield, but here are all the advantages:

You get to have a good sit down and bond with your baby because nobody else can do it. The grannies might be imagining you making bottles and cups of tea while they cuddle and feed!

You get to demand drinks etc while you feed. It's thirsty work.

If you're lucky you will lose weight easily if you want to.

It's free, fresh and sterile and comes at exactly the right temperature 24/7.

When it works it's hugely rewarding and you feel you are nurturing the whole world. Don't ask me how that works, I have no idea, but it's how I felt.

It's lovely seeing your baby thrive and grow and knowing you did that.

If you're the one feeding, DH can feel important in other ways like bring baby to you in the night and doing the nappies. I never got out of bed once we got a routine established!

The milk coma they go into after a good feed is the most rewarding thing on earth.

Bf babies' nappies are less icky.

You can settle a bf baby anywhere, anytime, like after a jab, on a bus or in church. People really don't notice if you dress right and have a muslin.

If you go through a patch where baby wants to feed every hour for a day or so, it doesn't mean your supply has failed, it's just a signal from baby to your body that they're growing and the supply needs to step up to match.

A top up bottle is not the end of bf. I fed twins and one had to be bottle fed for a week while I was in hospital with the other. (It was winter and there was bronchiolitis on the ward so they refused to let the healthy twin stay with us.) Everyone said he wouldn't go back to the breast when we got home but he never missed a beat.

There you are. Plenty of people have told you the bad side: this is the good side.

This is just the start, no matter what you do, someone will criticise you.

You have to have a thick skin to be a mother! Try not to Let unsolicited advice get to you. See their intention as an attempt to be helpful, but ignore the actual advice. You'll go mad if you worry about the opinions of others!

Do what's right and natural for you and your baby. Try breastfeeding, it might work beautifully it might not.

I breastfed all of my DC, but not all for the same amount of time due to circumstances at the time. I don't regret my choices at all, I did what was best for us and we're all happy.

This video really helped me. I'm sure there are others but fond memories of this lady!

Everyone’s experience is different. I’d do as much research as you can before your little one arrives so you can cut through the noise of all the advice you will inevitably be given!

Be sure of your decision to try it. Do it for as long as you want to, be that 1 day, 1 year or longer. Have a look at “good” websites like Milk Meg or Kellymom as they give you lots of info that addresses common problems/issues. (eg how do you know if you’re baby is getting enough milk, how to drop top-ups etc).

I wish I’d found out more before I started feeding as it would have removed a lot of my worry. Babies cluster feed, feeding shouldn’t be sore (usually caused by a wonky latch/tongue tie), there is no reason that people can’t help just because you’re bfing (there are plenty of other things that will need to be done!), it may help your mental health, ff fed babies don’t sleep better (if they did, ALL babies would be on formula and they would ALL sleep!), you are not creating a rod for your own back you’re being the mum you want to be. Bfing isn’t just about feeding either. It’s a great way to sort out a lot of baby situations!

Maybe find a local bfing group/lactation consultant local to you before you give birth so you’re prepared in case you have problems, which you may not do. I fed twins with a few formula top ups in the early days. Wasn’t really sore, both had tongue tie that was a little bit sore until they got snipped other than that we didn’t really have any problems (bit of over-supply in the early days). Even if you feed for a few days you will have done what you wanted. Maybe warn family that you are going to try it and if you have any problems that you’ll deal with them at the time and other than that the best way to support you is by not giving you worst case scenarios!

Agree with many others. The first couple of weeks can be excruciating, regardless of getting the latch right. But the convenience is not to be underestimated.
Although I did try to mixed feed (with ebm) the first two as I was going back to work, it was such a faff that I didn't bother with the later ones and life was much easier.

It’s your pregnancy and your baby. Together you find the way. I know it’s hard but people will love to tell you how to do things and soon it will be about weaning, toilet training etc.
You need to follow your instincts, you alone will know what your child needs. Trust yourself and don’t let people’s opinions get to you.

I breastfed for a total of 5 years. No pain, no mastitis no problems at all. I'm not the only one who had this experience. Keep on with your plan to give it a go. I've found being a parent is like going on a road trip but finding there are lots of diversions because the little buggers don't come out like little clones. Enjoy your baby.

Your friends are being unkind. I BF my son and it wasn't easy but it was fantastic as an experience. We had a fantastic bond and still do. We slept better than people doing formula because I didn't have to get up and make a feed. I just whipped a boob out! Same in many other situations when baby was getting hungry! much quicker than warming a bottle!

Yanbu.

I breastfed two children past the age of 2. I had the same thought as you. I was going to give it a chance and if it didn’t work, there was formula. I had a stressful pregnancy (due to consultants) in addition to a traumatic experience with my labour (was coerced into a medically unnecessary induction that failed) and I’ll admit it became the one thing I told myself I was going to give my all to because I had my questions, feelings, and thoughts ignored and choices taken away and nursing my firstborn was the only thing I had left that they couldn’t take from me or change.

I will say it did hurt in the beginning but it was nothing compared to what I had already endured. For me, the pain was like being snapped with a rubber band. I was more worried about if he was getting enough and could only rely on his reactions. He would latch on, nurse, and fall asleep so I could only think that he was getting enough and he was. Once my milk came in, it was much easier and less painful. I only had a cracked nipple once in the early days, but a bit of nipple balm helped. It’s great not having to carry around extra stuff to make up bottles, not dealing with the additional cost of formula, not having to faff about in the night, or constantly test the temperature with a crying baby. The milk you have is already the right temperature, available, and usually no equipment necessary and free.

With second baby, I had only stopped a few months nursing my oldest before having him so he was straight on after birth, no issues.

Breastfed both of mine, had an abscess with my first and was hospitalised for a week. still bf for18 months.

it is hard but you need to be prepared for cluster feeding, very regular feeding, long feeds...the first 6 weeks are the hardest but after that its easier.

try get to a breastfeeding support group and join a la leche league fb group.

breastfeeding is the biological norm,society would condition us to believe its impossible yet without breastfeeding we wouldnt have survivedas a species.

we need to remember this and talk about the normal behaviours of a breastfed baby and how this differs to a fornula fed baby.

Your attitude is perfect and how it should be. Try it, but don’t get upset if it doesn’t work out for any reason.

I BF both of mine. My first was born at 36 weeks and it took 8 dreadful weeks to get it established, but then it was so easy and convenient. Loved it. Zero issues with my second. I also know loads of people who had no problems at all with their first.

Tips for you:
Try diff positions including the rugby ball and lying down together (especially if teething);
Relax and think baby things as it can help with the hormones needed for let down;
I have larger boobs and found I needed to hold my feeding side with my opposite hand to keep it in the right place - easier than moving the baby about;
There are goods to increase supply - try google for ideas.

I think a lot of folk give up because there is a lack of information on how it can be hard at first, so may get disheartened and give up when they’re probably nearly there. I do think there should be more realistic advice and support given both during pregnancy and after birth. But then I suspect there is a worry people won’t try if they’re told it might be hard at first.

Just try to stay relaxed and persevere - you’ll do great no matter what happens.

Oh bless you - can you be in touch with some breastfeeding support forums or cafes before you have the baby? Just to get more balanced input than people trying to undermine you’re preferences. I breastfed both mind and the second time round I bed shared and fed him to sleep lying next to me throughout the night. Got LOADS more sleep than I did with my first, who I also breastfed But was up burping and changing and arsing about with the lights on etc etc. I introduced a bottle for both at 6 months and got the 1st down to 1 feed a night by 7 months and fully night weaned the 2nd by 7mknths by doing it gradually. But I have friends who have decided to go with the flow and still feed st night well past a year. I think what I’m saying is that there isn’t only one way to do it, even with breastfeeding, and I really do think fir the first 3 months it’s the best way to actually get more sleep! Really good luck to you. Hopefully at least your partner is onboard and will take the baby in the day sometimes while you get sleep

the trick with motherhood is to work out as early on as possible how to ignore the "advice" you don't want to listen to.

And also to recognise, with things like bf, that you can give it a go and stop if it's not working for whatever reason and it is nobody's business except yours what you do. Personally I found bf great and practical but it's not for everyone.

I think it's one of those things where there is such a wide range of experiences that you just have to wait and see how you get on.

My own experience was that BF was really easy with my DS (but I don't get to say that often as I don't want to seem to diminish other people's experiences if they found it hard).

I echo the previous comments about investing in lansinoh - it seems expensive for a little tube but it is worth its weight in gold. Take all the advice you are offered about latching etc, we had a really good nhs breastfeeding team that did an info session before birth and home visits after if you wanted them. I also found the Kelly mom website really useful for all the queries I had.

All I'll say is I think many do give up bf when it can be extremely painful in the first few weeks. I'd sit and sob whilst feeding and would never judge anyone that gave up at that point however I did struggle through and I tell other women this only because I wish someone had told me it is common to be very painful as I wasn't prepared for that.

After the initial settling in period bf was then fantastic, cheap and easy with no faff.
I don't even know myself if I'd get through doing it again so I think your plan to give it a go is a great one.
I also think that we are so so lucky formula is there to give us the choice and despite what everyone goes on about it is a choice.

On the subject of feeding, I’ve said all along I want to try and give breast feeding a go, and if it doesn’t work out or I don’t get along with it, I won’t put pressure on myself to carry on

Sounds like a great approach to me OP, that was my way of thinking too. DS didn’t latch properly until day eight when he had his tongue tie cut, so up until then I was expressing and combination feeding - I never felt the ‘pressure’ to breast feed or not, I just did what worked for us which turned out to be a bit of both!
With the sleeping - it kind of annoys me when people say babies ‘sleep better’ because they don’t wake up as much in the night - that’s what they’re supposed to do. If they don’t wake up much its not ‘sleeping better’ in my opinion, it’s just ‘sleeping more conveniently’ for their parents.

I found it really hard to start with especially with my first baby. By the end of feeding baby number three I found it to be one of the best things ever. Once it is sorted it makes baby care so easy. Your baby seems nearly always happy and doesn't even really do proper poo because they can digest nearly all of the breast milk. Really its almost all that young babies need.

Basically don't believe anyone who says your nipples won't hurt if you have the right latch. You need to buy a ton of nipple cream and put it on all the time and eventually your nipples will adapt and it won't hurt anymore.

With my first baby half the problem was I thought I must be doing something wrong or it wouldn't hurt. With the others I just slapped on the nipple cream and got on with it and it was much easier.

Hi OP, I have spent more than 4 years of my life feeding my two DC. It wasn't easy to start with after having my first, I had some supply issues and it did hurt but a month later things had settled down. It's been great for us all and I'm so glad I persevered.

There are a lot of myths surrounding BF, mostly perpetuated by people who haven't done it in my experience. I also think that people who didn't, or didn't for long want other people to follow suit to better justify and legitimise their choice. People can feed their babies however they like, no need to try and tell others what to do.

Just give it a go. I feel the opposite - no one told me quite how painful it would be and I wish I had some warning! But after a few weeks of gritting my teeth I enjoyed it. Good luck - there is lots of support on here when the time comes.