AIBU: people trying to scare me/put me off breast feeding

[Bellasblankexpression]

I’m pregnant and due in January. Due to a traumatic pregnancy loss in second trimester previously, and a MMC before that, pregnancy has been tough and I’m trying not to put too many expectations on myself for labour/birth/feeding etc.
On the subject of feeding, I’ve said all along I want to try and give breast feeding a go, and if it doesn’t work out or I don’t get along with it, I won’t put pressure on myself to carry on. Seems like an open minded approach to me. But since I’ve said I’m going to give it a go, nearly all of my friends who are doing it or have done it have just gleefully told me stories of how awful it is.
Painful, difficult, stressful, bad for your mental health, you’ll never sleep again, it will ruin your relationship, you get no support etc etc
A couple of them are actively saying I should just skip to formula because it’s what they wish they could do.
MIL and DM have also said they don’t think I should breast feed as I’ve struggled with anxiety this year and why put more pressure on myself.

It’s made me feel a bit anxious and overwhelmed about a decision I was feeling quite positive about initially (and I’ve really struggled with the idea of planning for newborn as I still can’t quite let myself believe it wilL happen!).

AIBU to feel this way and think they’re being a bit unkind? AIBU to think giving it a go is the best way forward and going from there?

I’m probably feeling worse because I have a stinking cold and SPD so I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine anyway

Definitely give it a go! The thing with breastfeeding is that yes, it is more difficult than formula feeding generally for the first couple of months. But then it clicks, and it is SO much easier and more versatile. We had problems getting established but DD is nearly 9mo and we are still going. She's always been a good sleeper and we introduced a bottle early and she's always taken one so no being trapped here! I'm so glad we persevered as it's incredibly easy now.

People love to scaremonger or take part in competitive misery. It's the same with pregnancy and childbirth stories. Some people seem to relish scaring others!

If you have the time, do some reading about what to expect in the early days. A lot of women give up because they aren't aware what's normal newborn behaviour when breastfeeding or are told by 'helpful' family members that their babies are hungry or they don't have enough milk. If you go in armed with some knowledge, it might help in those tough times in the early days.

I would have loved some honest examples of how awful it can be.
As far as I knew it was going to be a lovely bonding experience and a walk in the park. How wrong I was. I had all the help anyone could wish for and was doing everything right but I couldn’t continue. Friends who found it a breeze couldn’t understand my struggle at all and said so.
A heads up would have made me feel better.

On the subject of breastfeeding and anxiety...
I'm usually a stressy overthinker (personality rather than mental health I think) so I was sure I was going to be a bit neurotic as a new DM, OMG I was so chilled and happy (even when DS never slept). I stopped bfeeding now I'm pg with DC2 and I've gone straight back to the overthinking! So for some people at least the hormones are really positive.

It did hurt for the first 2 weeks though till my nipples got used to it, and when DS was around 8/9m and I was ready for a night out if felt a bit restrictive. I'm going to try and express sometimes for DC2.

Breastfeeding was fine for me. Yes there was some pain, but I expected that and knew people / places who could help me get the latch right etc. It's fair to say I had an easy ride, but I don't think mine is a rare experience.

I want to mention something about anxiety though. With all mine we very occasionally used bottles for expressed milk and then formula once they stopped (around 13-14mo, due to my milk supply drying up with a new pregnancy). I found the sterilising, temperatures, powder, choosing the right one etc to be much more anxiety inducing than simply popping child to breast. There's so much more to fret over and think you may be getting it wrong. For me, I would choose occasional physical discomfort over anxiety any day.

I had the same attitude as you with my first, I'll try and see how it goes.

I ebf my 1st for 6 weeks then combination fed until 3 month, then the 2nd ebf for 4 weeks then combination til 6 months.

My advise would be to give it a go, yes it is hard work to begin with but you can always stop anytime you get overwhelmed. I took it one day at a time, and when I did feel overwhelmed, ie during cluster feeds I let my husband give them a bottle to give me a rest. You don't have to do 100% there are more options out there.

Don't let anyone pressure you into one way or another, remember fed is best and as long as you and baby are happy and healthy that's all that matters.

Also yes to mixed feeding as time goes by. DD gets the odd bottle of formula as I can't be bothered pumping any more (three months of doing it exclusively was more than enough!) and she has no problems switching between. It means her dad can feed her easily in the mornings or when I'm out. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I wish they were more honest about the benefits of mixed feeding as I think it would really help breastfeeding rates.

I’ve done both and there were pros and cons to both.

Pros BF
Always had milk literally on tap
Can go anywhere with a few nappies and a change of clothes and decide to stay much longer if things are going well
Holidays and going places were a breeze

Cons
For me lots of pain early days
I had to be there for all the feeds but having said that I did love BF cuddles so that is a pro and con

FF
Easy to make up bottles
Good sleeping
Others can feed too

Cons
Lots and lots of bugs in nursery and lots of poorly babies along the way

The main deciding one is though my 2 FF got a lot of the illnesses associated with FF tummy upsets, ear infections. My BF child did not in fact he was really well.

Illness in young babies is common and people do not make the link with feeding method once they have made their choice but when a teeny baby is sick, you would literally do anything to make them better, but the one thing that would have helped them get better, BF you no longer have when you are FF. That is why if I ever had another baby, which I won’t be having, I would definitely definitely choose BF.

Have a four and a half month old who is 98% BF.

Totally agree with @ElspethFlashman - I found the beginning easy which I wasn’t expecting. Was all ready to not get on with breastfeeding, but it’s been fine. Given occasional - at least three feeds a week - formula since the beginning in order to enable a break. Expressing is just having to overplan and I really resented it so I have a perfect prep.

But- yet another growth spurt and the cluster feeding again just makes me feel so, so tired. Plus boobs even heavier. And to be honest, I’m just done. Going to start solids in a few weeks at 5.5 months and then try and start to move to formula too. Friends are happily BF older babies and don’t understand.

I think the most important thing is to give yourself permission to be flexible and make decisions that suit you. You sound very very sensible.

Some people have a bad experience breastfeeding and others have a good experience and no one can know which it will be for you. If you want to give it a go than definitely do and if it turns out to be a negative experience for you then you can stop.
There's also nothing wrong with combination feeding. I have a friend who breastfeeds but the last feed before bed is a bottle of formula because she says the baby sleeps longer after the formula. If you are worried about lack of sleep that is something that you could try. Or if you feel uncomfortable breastfeeding in public you can breastfeed at home and take formula when out and about. It's about finding out what works best for you and your baby.

For what it's worth, I had a very positive breastfeeding experience. It was painful at the beginning but that pain doesn't last forever and once it was over I didn't have any more issues. My son is almost 7 months and has never needed a bottle or formula as we both took to breastfeeding really well. I think sometimes the horror stories drown out the positive side but you shouldn't let that put you off as a lot of people have very positive experiences but it perhaps isn't mentioned so often.

I also found this a common attitude.

Right from giving birth I was offered formula. By the m/w - is baby feeding again? I can get you formula, give yourself a break?. I was in for 3 days and had to repeat “no thank you, yes she she is feeding again but I’m managing” countless times.

Then I got “feeding again? Are you sure you have enough milk/your milk is rich enough?” How do you know she’s getting enough? She can’t be hungry again, why don’t you try formula see if she goes longer.

Of course babies do sleep longer/go longer between feeds on formula so that is seen as “proof” that bm isn’t good enough.

I also got the classic one about her poo being liquid. It’s not normal you know. It might be your milk upsetting her. And if course formula it will thicken up, more proof bm isn’t good enough.

Then you get women who haven’t managed to bf. Some if whom have received bad advice and tell you their story of the baby not sleeping through at 6 weeks, or feeding every two hours, or poo was liquid, so they “knew” they didn’t have enough milk. When you are going through exactly the same thing.

Then people telling you you are denying them bonding with the baby. Painting you as as some sort of selfish mother not wanting anyone else to experience the joy of feeding. The baby will never bond with anyone else and you are making a rod for your own back when the child is 5 and won’t be left with anyone else.

It can really make you doubt yourself. Key is to watch your baby.

Wet nappies?
Regular poo?
Does the skin look pink and healthy? Fontanelle OK?
Eyes not dry?

Do they cry vigorously (a starving baby won’t have the energy to cry),
Do they sleep soundly, even if for short periods (starving babies are lethargic, different to sleep).

Are they meeting their milestones, kicking, grabbing etc?

If all is ok you need to learn to smile and nod and reassure people you are happy, baby is happy and if anything changes you’ll reconsider.

It isn't always painful. My milk came in on day 3, and I breastfed DS for 2.5 years.

My attitude was same as yours. I'll have a crack at it.

DS had some formula on day 2 as he was so hungry he had downed the colostrum I expressed ante natelly. People said that would be end of bf, but no, my baby was hungry, I fed him. Then next day onwards bf.

Good luck.

One thing I would say is to introduce a bottle early. It goes against all the advice you'll get from HVs and midwives, but both me and all my friends who BF have said that's the one thing they're either glad they did early or wish they'd done earlier. Get a super slow flow teat, something like a Mam or a Minbie, to start with. I think I'd be a lot less keen on BFing if I had a bottle refuser as it would be a lot more limiting.

I also want to add that there were 3 other things I did right.

The first was going to a BFing antenatal class.

The second thing was recommended by the class - I tried hand expressing in the shower from 38 weeks. The first day it took 15 mins (and lots of frustration) to see the tiniest bead of colostrum coming to the surface. The next 2 weeks it got quicker, so that my the time I was 40 weeks the colostrum was beading on the surface very quickly. When baby was born they didn't need much energy and got a hit straight away. That first night was actually pretty good as they fed all night with ease. I felt incredibly positive the next morning. But even then I knew it was because the colostrum was at the surface in advance.

The third thing was buying 2 tubes of Lanisoh, one downstairs and one on my bedside table. No matter how tired I was, I reached over and got a bit and had a quick slather after every feed. Barely conscious, but I made myself do it. Never had any problems with the skin at all. That stuff really works, but you only have to get lazy with it and you may cause a tear.

It took me 6 weeks to establish it. Cracked nipples, low supply, slow supply. We had to supplement with formula and I ended up taking fenugreek (shedloads of the stuff). The fenugreek worked wonders and for the next three years, it was easy.

I won't lie. I was in tears often those first 6 weeks. But the next three years were so easy. DD didn't sleep through the night for years so I don't think the bottle would have helped there. And my supply was so slow. It was 45 minutes per side so a massive chunk of the day so I did have to be organised but we both loved it.

Also, don't forget the breast feeding/breast cancer statistics if you are writing a list of pros and cons.

Fwiw op I'm currently breastfeeding my 7m old. I went in with the same attitude as you: ill give it a go and if it doest work it doesn't work. No biggy. Everyone told me it would be painful and difficult.

It wasn't.

I had early days anxiety over whether he was eating enough/ keeping enough down because DS was a very sicky baby. Not reflux, just alot of spit up. My DH was a huge support during that time as he is so laid back and he could see DS was thriving (good weight gain, lots of wet and dirty nappies) even though I was doubting myself.
My advice? If you have just one person (perhaps DP?) who supports you and believes in you then whatever happens you'll be just fine.
I also found the La Leche League book The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding incredibly helpful to read before I gave birth. It's a bit cringe in places but it has fantastic advice on early days cluster feeding and building supply. As does the website Kelly om. I basically spent the first few months in the sofa nursing.

I have no doubt that for some it is difficult and painful, I'm just saying that I was told it would be and it wasn't, and if I'd have listened to all those people that told me not to do it, then I would be missing out on the joy it brings me to know I have kept my child alive with just my body.

So go for it op and don't listen to anyone whose trying to dissuade you.

Like anything pregnancy and baby related- you mostly hear the horror stories!! It's not representative of most people's experiences.

Congratulations OP. We had a tough first week until DS's tongue tie was divided, then it's been plain sailing tbh. He's 2 and we're still going.

I wish I’d been more prepared for how hard it could be. All I got from family and friends and the NHS were the positive stories about how it might be difficult or painful for a few days/weeks but would all be rainbows and bonding from then on.

If by chance things don’t work out (although chances are they will, especially if you’re informed and have good support) and you did end up formula feeding, the things I wish I’d heard in addition to all I heard about breastfeeding:

• You will still bond with your baby. I have no doubt breastfeeding can be a wonderful bonding experience but giving a bottle also involves skin to skin, eye contact, touch, smell and cuddles. What’s lacking is the hormone response, which doesn’t actually have the same effect on every woman anyway. It’s not like they’re propped up with a bottle at the other side of the room.
• Your child will not be “lesser” in any way than if they were breastfed, despite what you may be led to believe.
• You will be no less of a mother.
• Formula is obviously less convenient than breastfeeding but isn’t as much hassle as it’s made out to be really, it’s just a bit more washing up. You can get ready mixed cartons too which are really handy.
• Unless they’re on a special medicated formula, the difference between a breastfed baby’s and a formula fed baby’s nappies really isn’t that significant.

I think a lot of breastfeeding education is presented as the negatives of formula rather than the positives of breastfeeding in its own right, and that can be what makes people feel defensive of their choices (or if it wasn’t their choice).

Best of luck with your pregnancy. Your attitude of giving it a go without too much pressure sounds exactly the right one and I hope it works out for you

I think your approach is very sensible. I BF my first one until about 2 months old and the second one until 15 months, when she just gave up because of severely blocked nose.
It was so much easier to just get out breast and give it to her in the long term. I did have some pain initially, but I found out that it was because of incorrect latch. After that was corrected, pain was gone.

If you do try it and it’s painful, you could maybe try a short consultation with lactation consultant? They’re very useful at correcting the latch, explaining when to change a breast and other relevant issues.

The favourite seems to be “formula fed babies sleep much better, your make a rod for your own back with breastfeeding”

To an extent, it's true that in general breastfed babies don't sleep as well. That's why there's a lower risk of SIDS if you breastfeed. It's a small price to pay in my opinion.

Lots of helpful info here: www.nhs.uk/start4life/baby/breastfeeding/your-questions-answered/

Forgot to mention. My friend and my sister both found breastfeeding very easy from the beginning. So you might not have any issues at all.

my son is nearly 2.5 yrs I was told I would not be able to breastfeed due to my medication but they realised this was wrong. I have had NO pain at all from breast feeding and me and my son both love this time. I am stopping in nov.
I think you have the perfect approach ... try and if it doesn't work then ff

I loved breastfeeding, although I was nervous like you.
Dc1 seemed to know what to do, and fed brilliantly after the first couple of days, put on over 1lb a week several times.
Only help I needed was one midwife who showed me how to make sure her tongue was under the nipple not over, and to squeeze the breast to make it easier for her to take it.

Dc2 was less interested in feeding, but because I'd done it before it wasn't too difficult, and the hardest thing with dc3 was persuading him that he didn't need to hold on tight and glumph his food.

I bf them all until they were over 2yo, which I hadn't planned at all.

Other than any health benefits, it is so much easier (having nannied, so used to doing formula). You always have some, right temperature, not gone off, never run out. And it's a great comfort for a distressed child as well, especially when they'll ill and not taking anything else.

Just on the sleep thing - both my two daughters were ebf. Dd1 slept through the night, and I mean really slept through, no waking for a feed at all, from 8 weeks. By 10 weeks she slept for ten hours a night, by 12 weeks she slept from 7-7. Dd2 hasn't been quite as snoozy, she was 11 hours a night by about 14 weeks. She'd have one night feed, which was super easy as she'd just come into my bed, feed herself back to sleep in about twenty minutes, then go back to her cot. No getting up to make up a bottle for me!

Every baby is different but I do think sleeping is far more to do with genetics than feeding method. I was sleeping for 12 hours by 8 weeks apparently, as were my siblings.

I'm the opposite, people always told me how wonderful bf would be so when I found it extremely difficult in the first few days, I thought it was because of me or I was doing it all wrong. Had I been prepared for it to hurt, effect my mental health a little, constant feeding etc, then I wouldn't have felt like I was the issue.

Thankfully I persevered and all was excellent within a few weeks. But I do tell everyone now (who asks!) that the first week of feeding a baby is painful and demanding on your time, energy, body and life! It sucks (pun!) but then becomes the most amazing thing ever.

Then you get to the stage where you're breastfeeding a 4.5year old and trying to go cold turkey. But that's a whole new kettle of fish!

Congratulations on baby. I've another due in Jan too 💕