AIBU: people trying to scare me/put me off breast feeding

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I’m pregnant and due in January. Due to a traumatic pregnancy loss in second trimester previously, and a MMC before that, pregnancy has been tough and I’m trying not to put too many expectations on myself for labour/birth/feeding etc.
On the subject of feeding, I’ve said all along I want to try and give breast feeding a go, and if it doesn’t work out or I don’t get along with it, I won’t put pressure on myself to carry on. Seems like an open minded approach to me. But since I’ve said I’m going to give it a go, nearly all of my friends who are doing it or have done it have just gleefully told me stories of how awful it is.
Painful, difficult, stressful, bad for your mental health, you’ll never sleep again, it will ruin your relationship, you get no support etc etc
A couple of them are actively saying I should just skip to formula because it’s what they wish they could do.
MIL and DM have also said they don’t think I should breast feed as I’ve struggled with anxiety this year and why put more pressure on myself.

It’s made me feel a bit anxious and overwhelmed about a decision I was feeling quite positive about initially (and I’ve really struggled with the idea of planning for newborn as I still can’t quite let myself believe it wilL happen!).

AIBU to feel this way and think they’re being a bit unkind? AIBU to think giving it a go is the best way forward and going from there?

I’m probably feeling worse because I have a stinking cold and SPD so I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine anyway

Honestly yes formula fed babies tend to sleep better. But you can still breastfed and do a formula night or dream feed to top up.

I breastfed both mine, youngest was a preemie too born at 31 weeks, breastfed both no bother, even after docs telling me it wouldn't be possible with youngest, his first latch was at 1 day old. The mist important thing is how you feel, if you're open minded and willing to accept any eventuality with regards to feeding then I say go for it, at least you can say you tried...better than wishing you had. Speak to midwives about how you feel, is there any local breastfeeding groups?

And don't blame yourself if it doesn't work for you

The best “trick” i found when struggling was “one day at a time”.

I’d just get through today and tomorrow send Dh to the shop for formula.

Of course by tomorrow I’d had some sleep and felt stronger.

I never went for the formula as each day got a bit better. But mentally it helped to know it would end if I wanted, iyswim.

I don’t get all these horror stories about breastfeeding. I agree with an earlier poster that it could very well be from women trying to assuage their guilt for stopping.

It never occurred to me not to breastfeed. The ‘difficulty’ is massively over-exaggerated. It is not difficult. Quite the opposite. It’s beautifully simple.

My tips are:

• Position baby and yourself right - both latching on but also in the way you hold them.

• Feed on demand - your supply responds to your baby’s needs.

• Eat well and keep hydrated.

• Ignore the people who make breastfeeding out to be a big deal. It’s not. Occasionally problems arise but they’re easily sorted.

• take one week at a time. I’m an extender breastfeeder but I never planned that. I just planned to do another week in the early months, then as I got past 18 months, I continued as long as my child wanted (they breastfeed far less then, of course).

What I did find was that I felt surprisingly vulnerable after giving birth. This is especially true if you need any kind of help. That’s when you’re most vulnerable to “well-meaning” people trying to feed you crap about breastfeeding (“give them a FF bottle, it will help you get better quicker=UNTRUE). Some of those people genuinely do mean well, but just don’t know what they’re talking about. Others have less nice motives.

Do what you want and what you plan, and be forewarned so that you can let any horror stories or the like pass right over your head and be ignored.

I think you should just go with your approach - try it and see and make your own mind up. Your friends don't sound very nice or supportive to be honest! I tried to BF, didn't really work for us (we had twins) but swapped to formula. Close friends were supportive either way which is how it should be. It's betwen you and your DC - good luck!

Everyone's experience will be different. I found it quite easy. I had to use nipple shields for a while as it was painful but they worked and then we back to feeding normally. You can do it! If not, don't worry about it and do what works for you

ignore all of them,
if you want to breastfeed go for it,
do your research, lots of breastfeeding advice books and forums out there and see a lactation consultant and your midwife, they will all give you the support you need to give it your best shot
if you change your mind , no shame in that either, you are the mum so your word is the only one that counts in this

I think you have a very healthy attitude towards feeding your baby. Just remember that fed is best. I BF for the first 5 months and it was tough at first until we both had it sussed. I struggled to pump at work so stopped at 5 months.
One pro of bottle feeding is the ability to feed where they are to sleep whether that be car seat, pushchair, bed or your arms. I couldn’t put mine down once asleep so daytime napping improved immensely once he was bottle fed.

Colostrum is really important so if you can get this into your baby even if you have to express it then I urge you to try as hard as you are able but don’t feel bad if it doesn’t work for you. I know plenty of perfectly healthy children who were entirely FF.

With Ds1 I really struggled to establish breastfeeding. I expressed and cup fed for a week as I didn't want him to get used to bottle teats. I bought nipple shields after a couple of weeks and they saved me. They encouraged Ds1 to open his mouth wide enough to get a good latch and after a couple of weeks with these we were able to feed without.
Yes it fucking hard to start with. I remember being in bits, crying buckets but I really wanted to feed him myself. By the time we got to 6 weeks it was easy. There are so many ways to hold baby while you feed, it's a case of what works best at any given time. I also found that making a nest for myself before feeding helped in the early stages, a cup of tea, chocolate/biscuit/snack, glass of water, pillow to go underneath my arm and a really comfortable seating position.

We went to a festival for a day when Ds1 was 8 weeks, portaloos, nowhere to sit, bottles would have been a nightmare. I carried Ds1 in the harness and fed him while we were walking around. We were able to carry on with our day with no fuss. I ended up feeding him until 12 months. Ds2 and dd established feeding pretty much straight away.

My advice is to do what works best for you. Your emotional wellbeing is more important to your child's welfare than how they receive their nutrition. If you want to breastfeed then you may need to persevere, if it gets too much then find another way. There is no right or wrong way, just what works for you.

I agree that people try to put you off if it didn’t work for them, as women are constantly bombarded about how important breastfeeding is so they are made to feel horrific guilt if it doesn’t work for them. The fact is, it doesn’t work for everyone. With my first, breastfeeding was so easy. I can’t understand how people say that you don’t sleep when breastfeeding - my baby and I co-slept so I would simply feed him laying down in the bed, he would drink himself to sleep in no time while I dozed. I got perfect nights sleep like this. If I formula fed I’d have been up making a bottle. I ended up supplementing with formula to give myself some freedom - so I’d mostly breastfeed but baby could take a bottle if I wanted to pop out or go to work or just have a minute to myself as I’m not gonna lie, breastfeeding can get a bit overwhelming in terms of you always being the one to do it! It’s not like you can share it, I mean. I’m not the type of person who can breastfeed in public, I’m just quite shy, so I’d have to go off to feeding rooms or spare rooms to feed when out or around friends and it got a bit lonely. Also while it didn’t hurt, I didn’t really like the feeling if I’m honest so was good to mix it up for a break. My second is only a few days old and I’m struggling a little with her - she had a poor latch for the first few days and I ended up with some bruising which bloody hurts! we are correcting it now and I think she’s got the hang of it but until the bruising has totally healed it kind of sucks feeding her, I’m not gonna lie I’ve had a couple of cries about it because I’ve just been through birth and now I have this pain which makes me dread feeding! It did make me feel a bit overwhelmed and sorry for myself and I wished I could quit but I know that the constant pro-breastfeeding propaganda would make me feel hideously guilty, especially as I’d breastfed my son. I’d feel like I was giving them an uneven start in life, although I know that’s nonsense. So I’m continuing with breastfeeding and supplementing with formula to give myself a well deserved break. So to summarize... just figure out what works for you! Give breastfeeding a try, of course you should, if only for your own sanity as all the pro-breastfeeding propaganda will drive you crazy if you don’t! Mix it up with formula if it suits you, or don’t if it doesn’t. Or quit altogether and formula fed - to be honest I think it’s just as good for baby. My whole family (siblings and cousins) were exclusively formula fed and so far a totally healthy family! So just do whatever is right for you and baby and ONLY you and baby. Forget everyone else.

I only wish I had known that it can be normal for it to hurt the first few days. I think a lot of women give up at this point.

Interestingly, when I had my first 6 years ago I found there was a lot of support in the hospital and afterwards, to the point where I thought maybe they were a bit pushy towards mums who had chosen to bottle feed, but when I had my second baby this summer midwives were offering me formula and told another mum who was struggling that she should formula feed.

I carried on and exclusively breastfed my first and am now breastfeeding my 12 week old. I continue mostly because I’m lazy and don’t have to fully get up in the night or plan ahead when going out!

Its sounds like you have the right attitude. Just do what feels best for you and ignore everyone else.

Do remember that it is possible to mix feed right from the start if you're struggling. It doesn't have to be a 'one or the other' situation. I really struggled with DS at the beginning so I would start him on the boob and then give him formula for the rest of his feed. After 3 months everything settled down and I was able to exclusively bf him.

@BreatheAndFocus I found it difficult and bled and then had to change bloody nappy's all of which I had no idea could happen after the bf brigade of the nhs busy telling me how wonderful it would be. I don't recall tales of cracked scanned over nipples with scans being ripped off each time baby fed at my maternity classes.
It is wonderful but can be difficult. Don't minimise others reality of it.
OP I think you've got the best plan. Try and no pressure if it doesn't work out.

I formula fed after trying breastfeeding but it not working for me for various reasons. I was so jealous of people breastfeeding being able to just go out and not worry about how many bottles to take and make up (especially in the early days when there’s no routine with feeding). I also would have gone abroad in his first year if I was breastfeeding but couldn’t cope with the having to sort out how many bottles I would need during a flight etc etc.

So yes give it a go! It didn’t work for me but it works for many others and as I wanted to do it I’m glad I gave it a go even though it didn’t work out

I had a history of multiple losses before my successful pregnancy and felt similarly to you. The people around me seemed divided into two camps: those who were adamantly pro-EBF and those who were adamant that formula was the only way. There seemed to be no middle ground, and both camps were quite vocal - despite my never having asked for anyone’s opinion in this regard!

When I finally had my lovely healthy baby this summer, I ignored everyone and did what felt right. I tried BF and loved it. But unfortunately I have a condition where I can’t produce enough. So I supplement with formula. Of the two I prefer breastfeeding by far. It’s easy and convenient, a magical way to spend time with my baby, and a handy tool when she needs soothing and nothing else seems to work. Likewise, supplementing with formula has advantages - such as giving my husband opportunity to feed the baby.

In the end, only you know what will work for you. Do what feels right and ignore ‘advice’ that causes anxiety.

It can be tricky at first, I found it painful as dd had a slight tongue tie, and very stressful as she was losing weight. I had the most wonderful BF consultant, and it was the best money I have ever spent. She pitched up to see me, was so kind and reassuring, gave me a letter ( to show the HCPs who were getting concerned about weight) saying that in her opinion dd would be back at her birth weight by three weeks, which she was. She told me to just get through one feed at a time, that it would stop hurting and get much easier, and she was right.

I was very committed to BF, as I was not breast fed, my Mum was too ill after having me, and I have allergies and other issues . So with the support of wonderful Mary O’Shea, I stuck with it, and then it gradually got easier, until I realised it hadn’t hurt at all for days. I fed dd1 until she was two and a half, all through my pregnancy with dd2, and dd2 fed for years because she didn’t want to stop .

So OP, accept that it may be a bit painful at first, it may take a few weeks to feel confident, but that it gets easier and easier. I was so grateful to just pick up my babies and feed them, when you go out you have your milk with you, so even if you are late home, or at someone else’s house, or on holiday, or on a delayed train, you have your baby’s food right there, at the right temperature ! It is so easy once it is established. I had a blocked duct a couple of times from a snug bra, and once dd2 went on a nursing strike as she had sore ears, but other than that I sailed through eight years of breastfeeding.

All thanks to the support I had from Mary O’Shea, right at the beginning. I am naming Mary here as she tragically died a few years later, and I hope she knew the difference she made to so many women and babies.

There was also a very young breastfeeding advisor in the hospital when I had dd2, who was absolutely lovely, and showed me how to swaddle.

So OP, my advice would be to pay to get some help and advice early on if you have any issues. A BF consultant would visit you in hospital and /or home, and help you gain in confidence. Get the number of someone before you need it. I might well have given up had it not been for Mary, and yet her help meant that my life for years afterwards was easier.

Breastfed my first without any issues, had my second and did it for 6 weeks but reflux, milk allergy and having an older child to ferry about to school and clubs proved difficult.

Do what works for you, give it a try or don't give it a try. it is completely up to you.

As for the sleeping thing - both my children slept through from a young age so I don't think there's anything in the formula fed babies sleep better because the first one was breastfed and still slept.

Your plan sounds great. I said exactly the same thing.

I recommend you find out about where to access support before hand in case you need it. My midwife was great but I had the NCT and La Leche League as back up. Kellymom is a good online resource.

For me it was never incredibly painful. There was some soreness in the beginning. I used lasinoh. It’s great stuff. I had blocked ducts a couple of times and fed through it. I loved not having to get up in the night or make bottles. We had lots of cuddles. By 4 months its was really really easy (and any leakage stopped). I fed DS until he was 3.5 yrs.

Ignore the negativity. Even if it hadn’t worked out for me (and I had bought bottles etc just in case), I am sure I would have felt better knowing I tried. Good luck.

I had a very difficult time establishing bf my first, largely due to a difficult birth combined with a very hostile attitude to bf from the hospital. There was a lot of unhelpful stuff, like test weighing before and after feeds (!), emotional blackmail (he had jaundice and I was pressured into topping up with formula before I felt all options had been tried to manage without, by being asked whether I wanted my child to be well or not ), and being made to leave my hospital room and go to a pumping room in order to express. This was only 14 years ago, as well. We had a very difficult time for a few weeks but eventually cracked it a month in, dumped the top-ups and went on to feed for four and a half years. Establishing it was a complete doddle for my second and third, though the unhelpful stuff continued, with inaccurate comments from health professionals about tandem feeding for dc2 and about dc3's transient allergic colitis and weight gain. Dc2 I bf to 3yo and dc3 to 3 and a half. One thing I never had was pain - it's not inevitable. (I usually don't wear a bra because I'm very flat-chested and I wonder if that 'toughened up' my nipples a bit in advance).

I always thought ff looked such an almighty faff (and it was, tbh, in th brief time we were doing top-ups. Neither of the younger two ever had a bottle at all, be it formula or ebf - middle one had ebf now and again when I went back to work at a year, but in a cup). In a way, natural term bf seemed a bit like the path of least resistance to me. Anecdata, but my children have all been very healthy with strong immune systems so far, and bf was a marvellous help for comfort in all sorts of situations and hydration during the few inevitable bouts of illness we did have.

I think they're probably just trying to prepare you- and I wish my friends did too.
I went in to breastfeeding saying the same as you, then NCT and the midwives at the hospital's influence began to convince me that it really was very necessary to breastfeed (and that it would be wonderful and dreamy). I spent the first 6 weeks biting on a knotted muslin, crying and screaming for every feed in the absolute worst pain of my life, developed severe pnd and didn't bond with my baby. Had loads of support. It was just so, so awful and I wish I'd just breezily given it a go and realised it wasn't going to work, which I did with my second and it was glorious. So basically, be aware that it can be hard, don't put too much pressure on yourself and remember formula is a great option too, and you'll be fine!

I meant EBM, obviously.

Honestly, some time soon all of this will be irrelevant. My now 12 year old happily sleeps through the night and eats a healthy and varied diet 😉.

Do what suits you and your family. Give it a go and see how you feel after a couple of weeks. I had a similar approach to you and intended to just give it a go and see where it took me. He had a bottle of EBM every night from birth to give me a break and when my husband had a sick bug and had a few nights away with him a few weeks in, I naively decided to just feed him from the breast as why make up a bottle when I had it there on tap?! Well, when husband was well again, baby decided the bottle was now the enemy. To cut a very long story short, we tried tons of different bottles, teats, methods and he point blank refused to entertain the idea again so we finally gave up on the idea and he went straight to sippy cup at 12 months.

So my let's see how it goes for a few days or few weeks was 12 months of hard work. However, I wouldn't change a thing. Yes he didn't sleep brilliantly that first 6 months but we now have to drag him out of bed for school!!

Be kind to yourself whatever you decide. Good luck!

I breastfed dd. I wasn’t sure what I would do and bought some ready made formula and bottles so I had the choice after dd was born. The midwife latched her on and that was that. Luckily dd just got it and was strong.

I won’t deny it was hard. I never made too much milk. I made just about enough and dd fed a lot, especially during growth spurts. Sore nipples in the beginning was horrible but didn’t last more than a couple of weeks. Two tubes of lansinoh, one beside the bed and the other in the living room were a must. I tried nipple guards but didn’t get on with them. My nipples are too small I imagine. I stopped when she was 2 1/2.

The most difficult time for me was the beginning because of the pain and just before weaning because I couldn’t keep up with dds feeding needs and was on my knees at 5 1/2 months when the health visitor told me this was not good and I should wean immediately.

I pumped milk (double pump) when dd was older, maybe 3/4 months to stop with the multiple night time feeds. I got up before her first feed, pumped then used that as the night time bottle. Then I could feed her as my milk replenished half an hour later. That helped a lot with my sleep.

All pregnancies are different. All babies are different. Like you, I had an MMC and then a second trimester loss of IVF twins. The pregnancy was incredibly stressful and I heard all the horror stories about babies not sleeping and worried about my ability to breastfeed. But when I had DD she was a natural and breastfed like a dream from the second they handed her to me. And slept through from 6 weeks. So yes, there are horror stories and it can be hard. But it can also be easy!