AIBU: people trying to scare me/put me off breast feeding

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I’m pregnant and due in January. Due to a traumatic pregnancy loss in second trimester previously, and a MMC before that, pregnancy has been tough and I’m trying not to put too many expectations on myself for labour/birth/feeding etc.
On the subject of feeding, I’ve said all along I want to try and give breast feeding a go, and if it doesn’t work out or I don’t get along with it, I won’t put pressure on myself to carry on. Seems like an open minded approach to me. But since I’ve said I’m going to give it a go, nearly all of my friends who are doing it or have done it have just gleefully told me stories of how awful it is.
Painful, difficult, stressful, bad for your mental health, you’ll never sleep again, it will ruin your relationship, you get no support etc etc
A couple of them are actively saying I should just skip to formula because it’s what they wish they could do.
MIL and DM have also said they don’t think I should breast feed as I’ve struggled with anxiety this year and why put more pressure on myself.

It’s made me feel a bit anxious and overwhelmed about a decision I was feeling quite positive about initially (and I’ve really struggled with the idea of planning for newborn as I still can’t quite let myself believe it wilL happen!).

AIBU to feel this way and think they’re being a bit unkind? AIBU to think giving it a go is the best way forward and going from there?

I’m probably feeling worse because I have a stinking cold and SPD so I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine anyway

And this is one reason we have low BFing rates in the UK. As a society we're not very helpful or supportive to women who want to BF.
I found the first 6 or 7 weeks tough but then it seemed easier. Hopefully you live in an area with some BF support groups. I found the one near me very helpful. You could always go along before baby arrives for some help for the early days. I missed my last antenatal class which was about BFing. DD had already been born!

My advice would be don’t buy formula or and bottles beforehand. The temptation to jack it all in when it’s 2am, the baby has cluster fed for 5 hrs and your nipples feel like they’re going to fall off, is high.
It is hard for some women but if you can get through the first 6 weeks you’ll be fine.

I found it easier bf as no one couldn’t take the baby and insist on feeding it themselves, means you have to sit there and feed(and recover) rather than running around overdoing it and so much less hassle than having to sterilise bottles, having to buy and remember to take ready made cartons on days out.

Also, all mine were good sleepers, around 8-12 Wk’s sleeping through, dc4 who I bf the longest, over a year, she slept through ( in my terms as I don’t go to bed till around 12/1) midnight-7am from, wait for it.......9 days old!! She was a bigggg baby, but still was a complete shock and a little sadness that that stage was over so very quickly.

It will sting at first but nipplr shields made me much easier for me. Bf first to 14m. 2nd baby had severe colic lactose from my milk induced it so went to formula at 6m. Much more work with bottles, pain in arse sterilising and prepping bottles. Soo expensive too. Don't let others put you off, and I absolutely hate the rod for your own back line. I got told that constantly, but my 5 and 3 year old, sleep throughout the night so yeah the rod was bullshit. You see how you feel and take advice but you don't have to follow any of it if it doesn't work for you and baby

You have anxiety and with your experiences may be more likely to get pnd too. I can’t blame your mil and dm from wanting to protect you from the additional mental pressure breastfeeding would bring - I know women who have become suicidal after normal pregnancies / zero fertility issues because it’s so easy to fall into the trap of viewing your ability to bf as a measure of motherhood.

However I think if you want to try it you should. Just do it with all the support available to you. NCT have breastfeeding counsellors that come to your home and are a godsend If you find bf painful - so definitely use them. Read up on the La Leche League’s website. Get the mw to check if your baby has a tongue tie straight after birth (many hospitals don’t do this automatically). Buy nipple shields in a variety of sizes in case you have inverted nipples. Stay overnight in the hospital even if doctors say you are ready to be discharged because the mw can help baby latch that first night - many hospitals even encourage bf mums to stay until the baby latches at least once.

For me I think any pain at first made me realise I had to buck up and take the situation seriously - I was a mother! It also makes you sit a lot which is much needed. It is hard work at first that pays off spectacularly. It is your first journey together. If you have been anxious it will comfort you and the baby. Make sure your partner will fully support you and you will be ok. Shame others around you are all so negative, that will make it hard for you. Ignore them and enjoy!

I had the opposite, I got earache because I wasn't breastfeeding. I had pre eclampsia, a failed induction, hellp syndrome, pph & was in high dependency, but was getting pressured to breastfeed, I had drips, drains & catheter, I was drugged up to the eyeballs, falling asleep mid conversation & the staff were trying to force me to breastfeed, I couldn't even hold my ds, let alone feed him. He went nearly 3 days without feeding because I wasn't in a fit state to feed him & all requests from my then husband & mum for a bottle were ignored. Thank goodness I got out of my drugged haze & found my voice, or he would have starved. He gulped down his first bottle without it touching the sides, I should have complained but I was still in shock after nearly dying.

I love breastfeeding! No bottles to wash or sterilise, no formula to buy or mix up, nothing to carry when I go out, no need to even think about heating bottles. I literally just pop a nipple out and there’s an unlimited quantity of warm milk. If the baby wakes in the night there’s no need to even get out of bed, the milk is right there. It’s full of healthy antibodies, my baby is very rarely ill (compared to other people’s kids who constantly seem to have runny noses). It’s great for comforting the baby or putting him to sleep. Plus it burns calories to help control my weight. I’ve never had any pain, soreness, cracked nipples or anything. And there is much less sick - my baby rarely even needed burping never mind bringing milk back up. I’ve been breastfeeding for two years now and I’m reluctant to stop because it’s so great for keeping my child fed, comforted and healthy.

I found breast feeding easy and never painful. But I had the help of a wonderful midwife in the first days on the post natal ward with my first who spent ages with me helping get the latch right. Once I had cracked that it was a breeze.

So my advice is ask for help straight away if you have any difficulty whatsoever and keep asking until you have everything straightened out.

Oh, and regarding sleeping, my first was a great sleeper and the second was a nightmare. Both breastfed. Though I found breastfeeding made the night feeds much easier.

You do what is right for you.

Your friends are only telling you the truth, probably because they hadn't known it themselves before breast feeding; it is generally promoted as easy, convenient, best for baby etc, without any of the down sides.

However there are people who take to it like a duck to water.

Give it a go, even doing it for a little while is good for the baby's immune system, they get most of that in the first two weeks of feeding.

Everyone is different OP, and if it's something you really want to do then give it a go! You might find it easy, you might find it challenging, in rare cases you might find it impossible. Either way, remember its okay to ask for help and support, whether that's your partner making sure there's plenty of food about, to an online or local support group. No matter how silly you think a question is, if it's on your mind eg should they be feeding this much, ask it. Sounds like you have absolutely the right attitude though, it can be hard, and if you try and it's not something you want to continue doing then don't. But please don't let negativity stop you from trying, sleep etc seems largely luck of the draw in my baby group.

My DS is 4 months and breastfed. The breastfeeding itself has been fine, no pain etc, and it is really convenient.

However, he is a bottle refuser and not great at sleeping. He wouldn't necessarily sleep better on bottles but I certainly would sleep better if I could share the nights as I did with my first who was on bottles of expressed breastmilk (medical reasons)

Like others have said, there’s always people who will give you their opinion on what they think is best for you and your baby. If you’d like to try and breast feed then definitely give it a try.
I managed to breast feed my son but found it painful and wondered if I was making the right decision, but then developed an infection which required antibiotics when he was a week old so my milk dried up. Giving him the formula was the most heart broken I’d ever felt because I didn’t feel the same closeness with him as when I was feeding him. Thankfully following the course of antibiotics I managed to build my milk supply back up and I’m still feeding him now at 9 months.
It is a tie and breastfed babies require more feeds but @lanbro is 100% right with the list of advantages, I would add that it’s much nicer with a winter baby to just pick the baby up and snuggle back into bed to feed than have to traipse downstairs to make a bottle. I wouldn’t change my decision to breastfeed if I could go back and will aim to feed future babies myself too.
With regards to your anxieties, make sure that the health visitor is aware of them from the first visit and then they can ensure you have the appropriate support if it’s needed. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. Baby will be here before you know it!

I breast fed all four of mine and really enjoyed doing so. Once established it is far easier than needing to sort out bottles. You can feed in the night laying down and don’t need to wake up fully.

It would be a good idea to research on how babies need to latch onto the breast to feed effectively. It is generally very obvious if the latch isn’t right because it’s uncomfortable and can make you sore but if you know how the latch is meant to look you can help yourself a little better in the early days. It is a bit of a shock initially too, babies do clamp on a bit harder than you expect when you’ve not experienced it before!

But definitely give it a go and try to relax with your decision. If it doesn’t work out then there are alternatives.

Just to add, both my bf babies slept thru from 12 weeks, so it's a fallacy that they don't!

Breastfeeding is difficult to begin with, as are most new things.

I loved breastfeeding, it was so easy after the initial period.

However, i often feel i shouldn't say such positive things in public so as not to make people who didn't get on with it and feel bad about it feel worse.

Agree with everything that's been said. But for me.... I lost some blood which delayed my colostrum it just didn't come. Midwives were very pushy about formula - I did it but kept trying to latch and when my milk came I pumped loads too. After a week my baby went onto breastfeeding 100%. People may try to push you down an avenue - if this isn't what you want you have to be firm and persevere. I was very adamant about wanting to BF despite pressure to stop.

BF can be hard.... But it's also amazing. Just get through the first few weeks... Load up on Netflix and get yourself comfy on the couch!

I knew I was always going to breastfeed but I tried not to put too much pressure on myself in case it couldn't happen. The first 2 weeks was incredibly painful and I had to brace myself everytime trying to get him to latch. Turns out he was tongue tied and he had a wee snip and was like feeding a different baby!! He is 4 months tomorrow and it really is a breeze. I sometimes express a bottle for hubby but it's soooo much easier to bf myself. If I go out with a friend with a 6 month old and she needs fed I just watch in awe as the baby crys for 5 mins while she is fiddling with formula and making up a bottle, just seems so much effort to me!
I could have easily given up in them first couple of weeks but I had a good support system around me that encouraged me to stay with it but without the pressure, telling me it was also OK to go to formula when I felt it wasn't going to work.

You need to speak to your family and tell them that you really want to try bf and you really need their support and if you decide to turn to formula afterwards then you will still need their support.
Good luck with what ever you decide. There's a saying that breast is best-- but only if mum can manage, what's best for baby is a healthy mum in body and mind.

I’ll be honest, trying to BF my 1st destroyed my mental health. I was in agony constantly, absolutely dreaded her waking up and even 12 years later I struggle with anxiety which I never did before.
I’ve since FF 2 children and loved it. People who say that FF is a faff have never even done it! It isn’t, at all and for the sake of my health, spending 10 minutes a day preparing bottles is more than worth it. As for days out, I always have a few bottles of ready made formula in my bag and a couple of sterilised bottles. Never been in a situation where I’ve felt like it’s stopped me doing anything!
I think it’s good that people are being honest with you about just how hard it can be.

I totally agree Purple. Both mine would have a ready made carton of formula when out and about and it certainly didn’t take 5 minutes to prepare. Didn’t even need warming up.
FF in my experience wasn’t this huge faff people make out and this was 20 years ago.

I had the same open minded approach to breastfeeding but my DD couldn't feed and ended up on formula (fed by syringe) before we even left hospital. It had been drummer into me that BF was best and was given and expressing schedule that was horrendous. I never managed to express much and felt like a complete failure, contributing to my PND. Before I was pregnant I had no desire to BF and wish I'd stuck to it. My experience means if I have another I won't even try.

Lots of people who BF say formula feeding is a faff but it's really not once you get into the swing of it. My DD wasn't weaned until 11 months due to her feeding issues so I had plenty of practice! I even took her camping with no access to electricity.

Good luck with everything - I hope it all works out for you. Just be aware that even with an open minded approach it can be really difficult if you end up not BF.

The UK is a bottle feeding culture. If you want to counter the effects of that the best thing I've found is to surround yourself with breaastfeeding-positive culture. Some ideas:

• Find your local support groups (NCT, La Leche League, ABM, Baby Cafe, sometimes Sure Start) and start going to them right at the end of maternity leave. See women breastfeeding, as exposure helps you to build your expectations regarding it. It also means you'll feel comfortable to want to go back to these support groups after your baby is born which may be invaluable for you if you can't rely on your mum/MIL for breastfeeding support.

• Find online forums which are knowledgeable and supportive of breastfeeding and read them regularly, even if you just lurk. Mumsnet infant feeding board is good. Facebook CAN be good - but be wary of echo chambers full of virtue signallers constantly feeding back how pro BF/related parenting practices and anti formula, anti routine they are, because this can be unhelpful. You can support breastfeeding while respecting choice and not being massively patronising or denigrating towards formula. Other parenting choices like slings, co-sleeping, routines, weaning etc are also not really relevant to feeding method, even though it may come into the decision. Unfortunately, some people don't really get this. Attachment parenting type forums tend to have good BF advice but again be wary of a "we are such perfect natural mamas and anyone who does anything differently is wrong, poor babies" attitude. The last thing you need (IME) in the first year is to feel like you have to pick a side. It's NOT a war.

• Read attachment parenting type books. They don't need to be breastfeeding specific ones (though you can if you like) but you should avoid anything which is too routine orientated, as they tend to have misleading breastfeeding info in them. Pinter & Martin books (they are a publishing house) seem to be generally good.

• Follow some breastfeeding pages, blogs and so on online. Generally if the person has IBCLC after their name that is a good sign, but it's not the only good one. I'm really out of date on who is good to follow, but I used to like Analytical Armadillo, if she's still writing. Emma Picket, I think, is a recent one I've heard of? Also Lucy Ruddle (just nosing through my friends' lists...)

• Do an antenatal class which has a breastfeeding info session.

• Locate your sources of support - friends who aren't telling you horror stories :o or perhaps those who are saying them but in the spirit of wanting you to be prepared, especially if they overcame them. National/local helplines. The forums or groups mentioned before. Nearby specialists. Books with a troubleshooting section or good index. Knowing where to go when you have questions or problems is a huge help.

And lastly - it is about YOUR goals. There is no rule that says you have to exclusively breastfeed if you don't want to. Or breastfeed totally on demand while never getting a break. Or co-sleep. Or breastfeed until (insert age here). It's totally your choice to decide what it is you want to achieve and work towards that. I just think it's easier to do that if you're starting from a breastfeeding-positive place.

However: be careful of reading too much into the "breastmilk is so magical and amazing and formula is an inferior choice" dichotomy. Yes, breastfeeding has a lot of benefits, but you have to look at it in the context of everything that is going on. Maybe your baby is born early, small or sleepy and is struggling. Maybe you want to go back to work and don't want to express. Maybe your mental health is struggling with imagined pressure. Maybe you feel trapped in the house, or you're so tired you worry about driving safely. Bottles are a tool, formula is an appropriate infant food. You can use these things, if you feel it is the right decision for you/your baby/your family. The choice doesn't happen in a vacuum and will have a knock on effect which may be positive or negative, so reducing it to a simplistic argument about how breastmilk is a perfect food, so convenient etc is unhelpful, as you've got to put it into the individual context for you. I'm not saying that in any of the situations mentioned above that formula would be the only or best solution, or that you couldn't get through them with breastfeeding support alone. In some cases you can, but there is no sense beating yourself up about 99% of Swedish women breastfeeding (or whatever it is) - you're neither a Swedish woman or a statistic, you are you in your unique stuation and it generally comes down to much more than a nutrition argument.

Despite BFing for a long period with my dc i also would make up a bottle of formula for them i was leaving them with someone else. I didn't feel obsessed with every drop being breastmilk. I would say the same if you're utterly exhausted too.

FWIW, OP, I found breastfeeding my daughter pretty easy after the first few weeks and am still doing it almost a year and a half later.

You get a lot of negative stories etc from people who didn't breastfeed for one reason or another, but actually quite a lot of people do manage it and, IMO it's well worth the initial stress and pain.

I agree with PP, you should join a few breastfeeding forums on Facebook or whatever social media you use, plus seeking real life support groups. Seeing breastfeeding as normal is so important for success.

I breast fed mine and had no problems what so ever. It was super convenient and much easier than bottle feeding in the middle of the night too. My DD has breastfed her 3 DC too. She struggled a bit with the first in the beginning but she persisted and then had no problems. The thing to remember is let your baby feed often on the early days. The more the baby sucks the more milk you will have. Do some research now to see if there are any breast feeding peer support groups near you because it can help to have others in the same situation. Keep an open mind. Good luck and do what feels right for you and your baby

Who cares what they think? If you want to try BF then try it. If it doesn't work for you switch to formula.
Every bodies experience is different