AIBU: people trying to scare me/put me off breast feeding

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I’m pregnant and due in January. Due to a traumatic pregnancy loss in second trimester previously, and a MMC before that, pregnancy has been tough and I’m trying not to put too many expectations on myself for labour/birth/feeding etc.
On the subject of feeding, I’ve said all along I want to try and give breast feeding a go, and if it doesn’t work out or I don’t get along with it, I won’t put pressure on myself to carry on. Seems like an open minded approach to me. But since I’ve said I’m going to give it a go, nearly all of my friends who are doing it or have done it have just gleefully told me stories of how awful it is.
Painful, difficult, stressful, bad for your mental health, you’ll never sleep again, it will ruin your relationship, you get no support etc etc
A couple of them are actively saying I should just skip to formula because it’s what they wish they could do.
MIL and DM have also said they don’t think I should breast feed as I’ve struggled with anxiety this year and why put more pressure on myself.

It’s made me feel a bit anxious and overwhelmed about a decision I was feeling quite positive about initially (and I’ve really struggled with the idea of planning for newborn as I still can’t quite let myself believe it wilL happen!).

AIBU to feel this way and think they’re being a bit unkind? AIBU to think giving it a go is the best way forward and going from there?

I’m probably feeling worse because I have a stinking cold and SPD so I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine anyway

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I have fed both of mine (currently feeding 9mo). Neither time was straightforward. 1st was an EMCS and in nicu. Second was jaundiced and lost weight. But after the first few weeks it was fine. I love breastfeeding, it’s so easy, convenient and snuggly. Go for it!

Definitely give it a go if it's what you want to do, but dont underestimate how emotional you'll feel if you do have to switch to formula.

I had the same attitude as you, and breastfed for a month...DS had tongue tie, I had a traumatic delivery and lost a significant amount of blood and was anaemic for weeks after birth. My baby didn't put on any weight at all for that first month and I was put under a lot of pressure to switch to formula by the midwives. Despite starting out saying I wouldnt put pressure on myself to continue breastfeeding if it wasn't working out, I felt like a complete failure when I eventually switched to formula and DS piled on the weight.

DS stopped needing night feeds at 11 weeks old so the sleeping better thing has been true for us, but I do sometimes still wish breastfeeding had worked out.

I breastfed my Dd til she was just over a year. She came off herself or I would have carried on. I loved breastfeeding, and after a horrible birth, I was lucky that breastfeeding came easily without any issues. Do what feels right for you, all midwives and health visitors will support you to the hilt if you choose to feed your baby yourself. Best of luck 💐

I think that you've got the perfect aporoach to breastfeeding l: give it a go but don't feel guilty if it doesn't work out.

It's awful that your friends are trying to put you off.

I'll try and balance what they've told you with a positive story and hope others will do the same.

I was anxious about breastfeeding because I knew my mum had found it painful and had had to give up. It was tricky at first and when dd was very little, I did find it uncomfortable when she was latching on.

But it definitely got easier and a lot more comfortable. It became an enjoyable time for both of us and I ended up feeding dd for 2 years (which hadn't even crossed my mind as a possibility when I was pregnant).

It was great not to have to faff about with bottles; made going on holidays a lot easier; meant that - if she was poorly and not interested in eating - once she was on solids I could still give her a nourishing comfort feed; and it was lovely to bring her into bed with me so that she could snuggle up for an early morning feed.

So slow on my bloody phone. Only 3 posts when I started typing and ended up cross posting with liads of people!

I bought a perfect prep machine before even ttc. I thought I'd give breastfeeding a go for 6 weeks, that was the hardest part. It was extremely painful.

After that it became as easy as breathing.

With bottle feeding the effort of washing, sterilising, making bottles, planning carefully for days out, having enough in stock, etc is consistent. The effort of breastfeeding at the beginning is huge, but then it drops off a cliff. You don't need to wash up, sterilise, worry about running out, can spontaneously stay out longer and go out. Don't need to get up and fully wake in the night or anything. It's fab once you get past the first crap 6 weeks which is the time people give up without realising it is about to get easier.

YANBU people shouldn’t be trying to put you off. Your attitude sounds sensible.

I found it painful for a few weeks (though not as bad as SPD!) but totally worth it for a year of giving my baby the best start in a free and convenient way.

And it was arguably better for my sleep, mental health and relationship than faffing about with bottles!

Having the attitude of trying BF and see how you get on is a good approach, I'd try not to overthink it. I wanted to BF but it didn't work out for me. My DS struggled to latch with a 100% tongue tie and after a very difficult 3 day induction based labour, it was all too much.

There are pros and cons to both approaches and I would urge you not to feel guilty if you end up using formula.

Tbh I wish people had told me the truth, I found it very painful and difficult for a while and nearly quit every time a midwife or health visitor said it shouldn't be but didn't help beyond that.
My advice would be: prepare for it to be hard at first but get yourself a few different nipple creams, a local breastfeeding support group (great for checking latch), soft breast pads and when baby is here ask the team at the hospital to check for tongue tie straight away (you need a specialist in tongue ties) and if there is one get it snipped while you are there.
Contrary to advice I had some ready made formula and a bottle at home, once every other evening or so my partner would feed and hold sleeping babe while i slept. This saved me.

Even if you breastfeed for a couple of days, you have given your baby an amazing start, with extra bonding and nutrient rich colostrum.

Any days breast feeding is better than no days breast feeding, but as a pp said really research how to get a good latch & big congratulations

The first few weeks were tricky, I won’t lie, but the benefits to us both were huge. No bottles to be made up, an amazing bond and we managed 16 months and only stopped as I decided I’d had enough!
I had the attitude of I’d give it 6 weeks and then review. By the time 6 weeks came about I was so confident at feeding that bottles never came into it for us.
With hindsight I might have introduced a bottle of expressed milk at night time as my LO was a monkey with bottles.
Read up on latching- flipple was my saviour- and find a local support group you can join if needed, buy the decent lanisoh purple cream and breast pads and good luck! It’s well worth it!
Oh and maybe look at buying a silicone breast pump as I popped that on the other boob when feeding to catch the let down and got loads of milk to store.

Tell them all to fuck off. Ha

Well I found BFing did adversely affect my mental health and I won't deny that.

My recommendation is to just talk about colostrum first. Make that your goal. I found that very easy - I never had any mechanical problems at all and never had much pain. So I kept going naturally.

I can honestly say it only affected me mentally after the first couple of months. People will say that's the hardest part but that was the easiest part for me. I had good supply and feeding was very convenient, especially at night when I was shattered. You barely have to wake up at all.

But once time passed I needed a break. And I found I couldn't give myself permission to stop when I had no physical reason to. That was when the danger started. Because I ignored the mental warning signs. The claustrophobia, the resentment at doing 99% of the care (Realistically even the best partner ends up with little to do, the odd nappy, some playtime, but then back to Mum for the actual "keeping alive" part) and the creeping panic.

So my advice is take it week by week. And be VERY strict about taking your mental temperature.

It may seem unkind but perhaps they are just trying to prepare you that it might be difficult. I had exactly the same approach as you to feeding with my first and thought I would just go with the flow, so I didn’t research much into it.

I was not prepared for the realities of breastfeeding! I had a hideous labour and traumatic birth but the breastfeeding was the most gruelling and it was so unexpected for me that it would be so difficult.

I didn’t know it would be so painful, that the baby would feed non stop for hours, the burden of being the only one responsible for feeding & nourishing her, the chronic sleep deprivation as feeding at least every 2 hours 24/7 for months. The discomfort of breasts becoming too full, bleeding nipples, recurring blocked ducts, the faff of expressing when it came to it, remembering which boob she last fed from.

For me it was far more difficult then I ever could have imagined and I’m sure it would have been easier if I were mentally prepared for it by understanding the realities beforehand. But I persisted for 20 months and it’s one of the things I’m most proud of.

I think the majority of women do encounter problems which is why we have such a low breastfeeding rate in this country, maybe just thank your friends for their advice but tell them you’re going to try anyway and see how it goes. If they keep going on about it just ignore them or change the subject.

Congratulations and I hope all goes well for you

More of the same from me - it was hard and a little (but not massively) painful for the first 3-4 days, then absolutely find for 3 years.

BUT I would not have don't it if I had continued to struggle, found it uncomfortable or if the baby had had difficulty latching etc.

I hope you can really treat this the way it should be treated. Do it if its working for you and don't worry about it if it isn't!

People love to give you their opinion on what they think you should do. You have to do what suits you and it’s as simple as that (in theory, in reality I know how hard it is!).

Some women get off to any easy start breastfeeding, some have a bit more difficulty (I was one of those). My advice would be to have support in place.

Discuss with your partner that you want to try and that it’s important to you. Ask him to give you a hand deflecting those sorts of comments as it can be a bit tiring having to constantly justify your choices. Also ensure that he knows you might have to spend a fair bit of time on the sofa breastfeeding And he can help by making sure you are fed and watered!

Secondly, and I can’t stress this enough, find out where your local breastfeeding support group is and go to it. If you are worried, if it hurts, if you have questions, just go and seek advice and support. Also the Breastfeeding Helpline are amazing if you aren’t close to a group.

Good luck!

People just love to share horror stories! If it wasn’t breastfeeding it would be labour I’m sure!

Breastfeeding can be hard. The first few weeks the let down hurts and sore bleeding nipples make swapping to formula so tempting. But in my case, that all just magically stopped overnight. I think once the baby has figured out to latch it becomes much easier.

Breastfeeding. CAN be hard; blocked ducts, mastitis, if your baby won’t take a bottle all the feeds are down to you. (Not necessarily a bad thing, just a reality) etc.
But breastfeeding CAN also be a wonderful and easy way to feed and bond; no sterilising, no faff waiting for a bottle to be ready, no extra stuff to take out every time you leave the house, etc.

There are pros and cons to whatever way you feed your baby and honestly whatever works best for you is the best option. I think your approach of “if it works; great, if not; oh well” is a great approach to have but it does sound like your MIL and DM in particular are concerned about your mental well-being so please just keep that attitude in mind because people can get incredibly upset and blame themselves if breastfeeding isn’t easy from the get go.

Also, just a personal musing but amongst my circle of friends I do notice that sometimes people who like to share the horror stories around BF seem to have unresolved emotions about how hard they found BF/switching to formula - I’ve wondered myself if some of my friends were almost hoping I’d give up BF mine when things got tough almost as a confirmation that them choosing to make the switch to formula was the best choice IYSWIM?
As I said, whatever works best for the individual has to be at the forefront. I always feel like you can’t win when it comes to feeding a baby; if you chose to BF there will be an army of people telling you you’re making a rod for your own back/ baby won’t sleep well: you’ll be tied to baby for the rest of your life etc etc.
Equally if you choose to formula feed there will be the “breast is best/ you should at least try/It’s the most natural thing in the world” army weighing in with their opinion too.

Best of luck OP

I bf both of mine and initially it is painful (ladinos cream and a good bf counsellor will sort this) however once you have done it a while it isn’t at all. It is super convenient in that no prep, will save you a fortune and if you want to go out for the day/Delayed getting home you have everything you need for your baby ready and with you!
As for sleeping, my first ds was awful (although at 10 nearly 11 he is no better) but my dd slept through 11-5 from quite young and I literally did nothing different.
The clincher for me was when my dd had caught gastroenteritis at a family christening at 9 months and ended up in hospital, the consultant congratulated me on bf as she said that a ff fed baby would have ended up in hdu and there were several currently with it and whilst they stopped ff and just gave fluids, bf was encouraged for all its immune system benefits alongside fluids ensuring a faster recovery.
At the end of the day, do what is best for you and the baby, if bf works great if not feel pleased you tried and move on x

Try not to listen to them. I do think it helps to expect it to hurt at first though but it gets loads better quickly as long as babies latch is good. I had a difficult time with my first as he didn’t work out how to latch for five weeks so in the end he was mixed fed. I decided to try again with my second who is now two weeks old and it’s been a dream. She latched on straight away after my c section and although I got sore for a couple of days it soon got better now it can hurt for the first 2-3 seconds as she gets latched on then it’s fine. It is so much easier than faffing about waiting for bottles and saves a tonne of washing up and sterilising.

Another tip.

If it doesn't work well at first with one breast, try the other.
I could only feed from one for the first few days. The other eventually caught up.

It's not always painful. It is tiring - a marathon feed can make you just want to lie down on the floor and sleep. But I said I would try 6 weeks and I'm still going nearly a year later. DS has had a cold bug thing for a few weeks and it's the only thing that calms him down and lets him nap when he is congested. I think you have the right attitude.

If you find it ok I recommend buying some breastfeeding tops. You will get a lot of people saying just do one up one down with a vest underneath but this is so hot and sweaty when you are inside in central heating, or outside in summer!

I have seen peoples mental health be really badly affected by not being able to stop when they realised it was upsetting them - because now the baby won't take a bottle.

My advise is give your baby a bottle every couple of days (well someone else) and keep it up. Don't bother with expressing milk for it, that's American purist bollocks, god forbid the baby ingests anything but BM. Just do a teeny bottle of formula.

If the baby takes a bottle several times a week, then you know you have OPTIONS.

I built a cage around myself, of duty and guilt. It was a mistake. But at least once I cracked, I had done one thing right and the baby transitioned onto bottles without a second glance as they were used to them.

In the 10 years since I fed my babies, I can't recall ever giving my opinion to any prospective mother on the FF/BF thing. Because ultimately, down the line, i don't think it makes any difference to the child. Also, my won experiences won't be the same as anyone else's.

There's a chance your friends might just be trying to help you realise BF is no walk in the park? There's no need for any sense of failure if you don't manage it, because sometimes it's impossible, or doesn't work, or doesn't end up fitting in with what's best for your family.

My personal experience with BF was that it was really hard to establish. It was what felt like months (in reality maybe a few weeks) of it being at times uncomfortable, annoying, distressing, painful, limiting and many times I felt FF would be a far superior way to go. But, once I'd got through 'the barrier' it became a doddle. I never had to run out of formula, sterilise, heat up bottles, I could feed on demand whilst being out and about. What had felt very limiting became very freeing.

It's worth persevering in some cases, because, just like that, it can become easy. I think the key is to get lots of support around you, so that you are more able to know the difference between 'normal' pain and discomfort and when it's not going right and it's too hard.

Wow thank you for so many replies, I really appreciate it. I’m going to read through them all now.

Agreed on formula. We started a bottle of EBM at 3 weeks and a nightly bottle of formula at 10 weeks so I could go out by myself. Mixed feeding is totally viable and won't kill your supply.