AIBU: people trying to scare me/put me off breast feeding

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I’m pregnant and due in January. Due to a traumatic pregnancy loss in second trimester previously, and a MMC before that, pregnancy has been tough and I’m trying not to put too many expectations on myself for labour/birth/feeding etc.
On the subject of feeding, I’ve said all along I want to try and give breast feeding a go, and if it doesn’t work out or I don’t get along with it, I won’t put pressure on myself to carry on. Seems like an open minded approach to me. But since I’ve said I’m going to give it a go, nearly all of my friends who are doing it or have done it have just gleefully told me stories of how awful it is.
Painful, difficult, stressful, bad for your mental health, you’ll never sleep again, it will ruin your relationship, you get no support etc etc
A couple of them are actively saying I should just skip to formula because it’s what they wish they could do.
MIL and DM have also said they don’t think I should breast feed as I’ve struggled with anxiety this year and why put more pressure on myself.

It’s made me feel a bit anxious and overwhelmed about a decision I was feeling quite positive about initially (and I’ve really struggled with the idea of planning for newborn as I still can’t quite let myself believe it wilL happen!).

AIBU to feel this way and think they’re being a bit unkind? AIBU to think giving it a go is the best way forward and going from there?

I’m probably feeling worse because I have a stinking cold and SPD so I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine anyway

I breastfed through a tongue tie and meet envy c section it was hell, but as soon as the tie was cut , life got a whole lot better! I've never once had to worry about bottles etc, I also have PND and when I fed the oxytocin (sometimes called happy hormone) release calmed both me and baby, everything seemed a lot better after a quiet, calm feed- oh and you can feed anywhere without any prep. Get yourself along to a breastfeeding Support group- ask midwife - you can go and get tips before you give birth too. Good luck

I think sometimes it’s actually helpful if people are honest about how difficult things can be. If everyone told you how easy it was to breastfeed, and then you really struggled, you would feel under more pressure to persevere and would wonder why you found it so hard.
I really struggled to breastfeed and felt enormous pressure to do so because that’s what is expected. I went into it with the same attitude as you, if it works it works, if it doesn’t then never mind. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. My milk never came in properly, I found it really hard and struggled on for 8 weeks combi feeding until my baby made the decision for me and refused to feed off me anymore. That was 3 years ago and I still feel guilt now.
I’m now pregnant with my second and although I’m determined to breast feed this time, I’m not going to put so much pressure on myself. A happy baby is a happy mum and that is the most important thing.

Sitting here reading messages about how your friends are telling you the “truth”

Their truth.

Not yours. Or mine actually.

First few days were a learning curve but once you both nail it can be ridiculously easy.

The freedom to be able just to walk out the door without thinking about bottles ... what a bloody joy.

I say that after FF and pumping for a very early preemie.

FWIW, I loved breastfeeding. I found it really difficult for the first week or so, but after that, it was great. Can't really remember it being painful.

Yes, it meant that all of the feeding (and therefore the night time waking) fell to me, but it was so convenient not having to worry about sterilising bottles etc, especially in the middle of the night. It was cheap, obviously! And I loved the opportunity that it gave me to bond with my baby. I was in awe of the fact that my body was able to sustain and grow her to six months all by itself! And I loved the fact that I had the instant solution to just about any problem. If only that were the case now that she is a teenager....

FF does not involve sterilising bottles in the middle of the night. Or at least it didn’t for me.

I don’t think they’re doing it to be mean, they’re just C saying what they wish someone had said to them before they give birth. Health professionals go completely OTT about breastfeeding, so does middle class culture. You could be forgiven for thinking formula was harmful given how pushy midwives are about breastfeeding. I am convinced that they are causing PND (and a while rant of other health problems). Breastfeeding has minor benefits but it’s not always convenient. If you want to try it that’s great but don’t feel like it’s the ‘right’ thing to do. It’s just an option, doing it won’t make you a good mother and not doing it wrong make you a bad one.

'Completely ott'?! What hyperbolic nonsense. No-one 'pushed' me into bfing. I loved it

Don’t believe everyone who says it’s difficult and painful. I didn’t find it to be either. The only downside for me was being the only parent who could care for the baby. It made me feel very trapped and it meant I didn’t get much sleep. However, not all women feel like that and not all breastfed babies sleep badly.

Your approach is perfect. Give it a go and if it’s too much for you then switch to formula. That’s the approach that most women take. 80% of women initially try to breastfeed.

People who tell you to go straight to formula do not have the baby’s best interests in mind. Those first few days/weeks are really crucial for the baby’s immunity. If nothing else they really do need the colostrum.

I was determined to breastfeed my babies, despite the doom spouted by my sister. I did it for 8 months with each of my boys, until they both decided to stop.
As others have said, it is so much easier; no sterilising bottles and way more convenient when out and about. I absolutely loved it!
I didn't experience any pain or soreness so that isn't guaranteed.

My personal experience breastfeeding was and is the best thing I'm doing for my baby. With the right advice and support it should never hurt.

I had a couple of friend who had to express as they couldn't breastfeeding and they didn't want to formula feed and it was a constant cycle of pumping, sterilising etc which either took time away from their babies or more often took the time away from important sleep.

Breast feeding is free, right temperature always available, don't need to do any washing up, waiting for water to boil/cool, and more importantly for me has greater health benefits for both myself and my baby.

There are many tops/ways of being modest when you are out in public and honestly no one has ever batted an eyelid.

I love the bond and feeling of breastfeeding and that it's an immediate comfort to her whatever the situation.

If you do decide to breast feed, keep in touch with your health visitors and join a local breast feeding group, you ll make great friends and get support.

I have nothing against formula feeding btw, a fed baby is best but don't feel pressure either which way.

You will get so much "helpful advice" from people ignore them and go with your gut instinct. Breast fed babies do digest the milk quicker so need feeding a little more often but every professional I have spoken to about this say that it's a myth that formula fed babies sleep longer.

My baby is nearly ten months, has always been a bad sleeper from birth and has always been breast fed as that's my choice. Another friend of mine has a baby six weeks older than mine, was formula fed and is waking up every hour at the moment. Another friend breast feeds and her baby only wakes twice max a night.

I know my post of heavily on the breastfeeding side but that's all I know. Hope this has helped in some way.

I actually think it may be coming from a place of concern and love, not unkindness. There is so much direct pressure from midwives, health visitors, and baby literature to breastfeed, regardless of the effect on maternal mental health. I personally nevdr heard any messages that formula was OK!! If I had I may have allowed myself to stop breastfeeding earlier and prioritised my mental and physical health. I would give you friends the benefit of the doubt - they are trying to help I think

Everyone is different.I can be hard at first because you've never done it before and nowadays,because so few women breastfeed noone to give you helpful tips and support.
I found it relatively easy and very easy after the growth spurts at 6-8 weeks.
I decided that it was a skill and as I had recently learned to drive(passed the n 3rd go) then I decided I could learn.
It may not work for you but that is your journey,if it does then the main difference is the time it takes,it slows the world around you and that can save your sanity in the madness that is new motherhood.
Do your research now,you will be too knackered once the baby arrives.

There is so much direct pressure from midwives, health visitors, and baby literature to breastfeed

Ime this is all lip service right until the moment of birth. There is a strong “you must breastfeed” message, but all the information is about why it is best. Nothing at all about the mechanics of how to, what is normal bf behavior, common problems, troubleshooting etc. You know, the actual stuff that would help people breastfeed.

Then the baby is here and there isn’t the time, resources or knowledge on ante natal wards or the nhs generally. So from birth every problem is met with formula as a solution. Feeding frequently? Give formula, give yourself a break. Don’t feel baby is getting enough? Try topping up with formula.

Literally every time I was seen bf on the ward The comment would be “feeding again? Shall I get some formula?” I got a proper row off one m/w who saw me bf and asked if I’d brought formula- i hadn’t. Apparently i should have as how did i know i could bf?

If there is any “advice” it seems to be a complicated and time intensive regimen of feeding, expressing, topping up, until the mother is exhausted and understandably thinks they can’t to it. Often it’s a “solution” to completely normal behaviour like cluster feeding which is interpreted as low supply. Expressing doesn’t help with supply in the same way increasing feeding frequency does anyway.

We need proper education and advice. Breastfeeding is a bit of a leap of faith - formula there’s no doubt on how much they’re getting.

bluezoo definitely not my experience 4 months ago. The postnatal ward was ok, though not amazing but the support from my caseload midwifery team and local breastfeeding cafes (3 within a 20 min walk of my house on different days of the week) was second to none.

Er ok. Not sure why people have to be so negative.
I didn't fancy breastfeeding myself but if someone wants to try why not let them without a shower of negativity?
You will decide yourself whether you are happs to continue or not without unwanted interference.

I never found breastfeeding painful. There were some problems in the first 3 months relating to oversupply, but I did some research and worked out what I needed to do. There is good support available on the NCT helpline (free!). Also the website kellymom is a great resource. The NHS runs breastfeeding clinics but I never went to any. Anyway, I love breastfeeding! Now I'm back at work I breastfeed in the mornings, evenings and night wakings. I'm very glad I persevered with it.

Everyone is different. For some women it is totally easy, others get there despite challenges, some will mix feed and some won’t try. For me, I struggled and found it desperately hard to fail. If you are prone to anxiety I’d just make sure you don’t take things too hard if things don’t work out but you’ve got every chance of having a positive and successful experience like so many women do.

Still breastfeeding DD 13m now. It was easy. No problems at all. This is the case for many women although not many will openly talk about this as some women find it difficult so no one wants to upset them. I think this puts other women off as they only hear the stories about how hard it is.

I am currently breastfeeding and it is tough but worth persevering and there is support out there. I keep being told that many who think they cant actually arent getting the latch right or something else like that so I am going to go to my local breastfeeding support group I think to see if I can improve as though it is going ok my baby feeds alot and latches mainly right on the nipple with little breast tissue which hurts more. I am also expressing which is easier than I expected and means husband can help feed too

Please don't listen to the stories, everyone is going to have an opinion on everything to do with bringing up your child I've found.
I also had all the horror stories of breastfeeding but like you I was adament I wanted to at least try.
I had 'feels like rats at your nipples' 'cringe worthy' 'horrible'...

Im not saying I haven't had times where its been difficult, the cluster feeding, feeling touched out, but my little one is 13 months now and has been just breast fed.
We have been lucky to have a smooth ride with it, ie, no allergies, tongue tie, colic etc...
Your experience may just be completely different to the stories you've been told.
Best of luck! X

User said: Everyone is different. For some women it is totally easy, others get there despite challenges, some will mix feed and some won’t try. For me, I struggled and found it desperately hard to fail. If you are prone to anxiety I’d just make sure you don’t take things too hard if things don’t work out but you’ve got every chance of having a positive and successful experience like so many women do.
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I agree, that is a good post.
I have some experience, breast fed for a few weeks but he didn't put on any weight! Therefore I introduced formula which he took to like a duck to water and thrived. After a time I gave up breastfeeding and, to be quite honest at that stage he didn't latch whereas before he did.

I felt like a bit of a failure for a while despite having done my best (I got over feeling that way).

Son is now forty, fit and well and clever. What more could I ask? The only thing I can think of is - was he distressed when I was (trying to) exclusively breast feed. I hope not, on the whole he was a contented baby - but you never know. I have talked about my difficulties with breast feeding to him and he understand - hee hee, doesn't remember & couldn't care less!

I loved breastfeeding, but it took my baby a couple of days to latch. I was also recommended to apply pure lanolin to my nipples for a month before she was born, to avoid cracking and it worked, as it did for my dd before dgd was born .