To think I'm not the selfish one here

[highlowchicalow]

I gave birth to my DS 10 days ago. It was a very traumatic birth. I was in labour for 18 hours after a failed induction which resulted in my waters being broken and then ended in an emergency csection after a failed forceps delivery.

I've suffered with femoral nerve palsy which means I cannot walk without crutches and also am on antibiotics for a haemotoma which partially opened up my wound. On top of all this I'm breastfeeding my baby and he is feeding almost consistently so I'm very overwhelmed right now.

I'm finding it very stressful and am in a lot of pain and discomfort.

My brother's DD is autistic and therefore they don't like to say no to her a lot and always try to give her what she wants to avoid meltdowns.

Her mom (SIL) has asked if my DN can stay over as she is obsessed with DS. DH said yes without even asking me and now I've had to tell him to say no.

SIL and DB have become really angry at me and told me I'm being selfish. I broke down and told them I'm really struggling and think it's unfair they want me (DN will stick to me like glue, won't let DH look after her) to look after another child when I can't even look after my own properly due to my injuries and have to heavily rely on DH to help me look after myself too.

They still stand by what they said. I am selfish and should have DN to stay because I know what she is like, and she won't like being told she can't come.

I've also found out one of DH closest friends are frustrated as we had to rearrange them coming to meet DS as I had to go back to hospital to get my hematoma checked out.

Am I seriously being selfish? I hate to think I'm upsetting people but I'm really struggling here and just feel like I need time to get to grips with things

Oh my god OP, your family are nuts! Your sister in law is utterly mental expecting sleepovers with a ten day old newborn and a sick mum. You poor thing. You don’t need to be surrounded by this shit right now.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Say no, maintain no and look after yourself. Not read past your first post but a conversation does need to be had at some pint, with your husband, on boundaries. He should be your buffer from this, and has failed you there. Seriously, if men gave birth, with all the blood letting, arse breaking, major surgery that goes with it, they’d be hospitalised for months. The fact that he expects you to do this so soon after major traumatic surgery goes to show he’s totally missed a trick here.

As for your SIL, Shame on her. She’s either forgotten what it’s like or one of those irritating supermums who think everyone else should climb a mountain straight after birth. They so let the side down.

I'm currently texting DB, he says SIL is angry that I've upset DN and she'd like me to be more considerate of her feelings in future

Then to tell you to apologise and then you can move on!

That would be a big fuck off from me!

How about 'Dn is not the only one with feelings. I am not near ready to accept an apology yet, so don't bother! Maybe give some thought to the fact that I am struggling with a newborn and currently not even mobile, then get back to me with that apology in a couple of weeks. I don't want to hear from either of you until that point'.

Dear DB, can you tell SIL to be more considerate instead please? I’ve just had a baby, a c section and serious complications, who in their right mind would ask that woman to babysit another child? Please leave us alone until you can stop being so selfish.

They sound insane, why is it up to you to look after your DN after giving birth. Also I have a son with ASD who is nearly 15, they are making a massive rod for their own back if they never say no to their child. It’s up to them to deal with any meltdowns she has, it isn’t your responsibility to prevent them. I cannot believe the sheer cheeky fuckery of them! It’s not you, it’s them!

Big fat mermaid - we pretty much said the same thing!

I’m disproportionately cross for you OP. People can be so utterly unreasonable it astounds me.

I'm angry for you! OP that sounds very difficult.

Rest up as much as you can, hopefully rest & cuddles will help with cluster feeding & recovery. Have you thought about formula feeding to help reduce everyihinh your body is going through?

Oh ffs just shred them all a new one. Make them scared of upsetting you for a change.

Well I think the whole of Mumsnet just heard my head explode with utter fury on your behalf OP.
How DARE they treat you with such disregard and contempt? I would seriously not want any of these unspeakable horrors anywhere near my precious baby - ever! None one them seem to give a flying fuck about you or the wee one.

Your DH is the worst of them though, what a spineless shit he is - he should be moving heaven and earth to make things as comfortable and easy for you to look after his baby in a safe, calm environment but here he is causing you extra work and stress!

OP, come back and read thread over and over, every time these bastards try to guilt trip you, manipulate you, blame you. Don’t let them grind you down!
And congratulations on your new baby

Honest to god, your brother deserves some of your anger, not just SIL

I agree. I misread earlier, I thought it was your BIL. As it's your brother, I'd send something similar to @Jellybeansincognito posted. Cut and paste it from here and send it:

How dare you call me selfish for not wanting to be responsible for a 5 year old with ASD when I am 10 days post birth and suffering horrendous complications and still recovering from major abdominal surgery whilst struggling to look after myself and adjusting to life with a newborn baby.
I will in no way shape or form pander to your obscene request, do not blame me for your inability to say no to your child.
I AM STRUGGLING TO LOOK AFTER MYSELF and I’m gobsmacked that I am even being asked to look after your child when I am in this state.

I am vulnerable and feeling very overwhelmed right now, it is not appropriate to ask me to look after your child, I am disgusted with you for making me feel like I am doing something wrong.

I don’t want to hear from you until you’ve apologised.

Take care of yourself OP, clearly none of them are going to

I have two autistic kids and they still get told no! They are being beyond unreasonable. What planet are they on?

Honestly you need to rip your brother and husband a new arsehole. You are not the selfish one here and no one would blame you for losing your shit. Do not dare apologise!

Massive hugs to you of course your not being mean at all

So - they think you are being selfish - does it matter? They are thinking bollocks, as you know and you should simply ignore them and get yourself better.

Congratulations on the birth of your son. Look after yourself and him and let the rest go hang.

I have two DDs with ASD and I know an awful lot more children with it.

A child with ASD might have a meltdown after being told no if they were already on the verge of a meltdown for other reasons.

An autistic child being told they can't do something they want to do could well just be having a tantrum.

Your DB and SIL need to start finding strategies to help their DD learn to manage the emotions she experiences when she hears no or, just like any other child, she will use tantrums as a way to control people and get what she wants. That's not going to help her in the long run.

You have no responsibility whatsoever to give this child what she wants so that they can avoid dealing with the fallout. It's not pleasant but that is their role as parents.

I suggest you refuse to apologise and make this just the first of many occasions on which decline to jump through ridiculous hoops to help them avert a tantrum. You will be doing them a favour in the long run and you cannot start your new life as a family of three at the beck and call of someone else's child.

I hope you've shown this thread to your DH and he has realised he needs to step up in a big way and start protecting his family, i.e. you and his new son.

Your brother and SIL are abdicating their responsibility as parents and seconding you to do their parenting for them. Well, that's a big 'fuck off' from me right there.

And your spineless husband - I could suggest alternative uses for your crutches and any of his orifices you care to consider?

Seriously, they are a bunch of selfish arses. And in common with many posters here, I think your best response would be to go absolutely nuclear on them. They won't hear anything else.

There's been several good suggestions of what to text to your brother, I would pick the one that would put his nose out of joint the most (or, obviously, compose your own). You need to make it crystal clear to him that he is out of order and that any repeat of this dickishness and he and his will not be welcome in your home any more. Don't piss about, he needs to be told straight that you expect an abject apology (and soon) from both of them, or they can just fuck off forever.

And read your husband the Riot Act. He has no excuse, he can SEE how much you're struggling. He is never, NEVER, to do this to you again.

And congratulations on your baby. You're doing great! ((hug))

I hope you've told your brother you're waiting for your SIL to apologize to you fur hurting your feelings.

A friend's daughter is on the spectrum. I have no problem saying no to her, and her parents are pleased I do. She has to learn sooner or later that the world doesn't revolve around her.

If your brother and SIL have trouble saying no to now, how are they going to cope with her as a teen?

If you apologise, I will personally climb through the internet and smack you, OP.

You need to find your inner lioness op, otherwise you could be setting yourself up for a long line of problems! Scroll back, find that message from @CalmdownJanet copy and paste it to your DB, SIL and DH tell them you will be in your bed with your baby waiting for their groveling apologies!!

Also, congratulations on your new baby, this will be one of the most amazing days of your life, don't let all this mess cloud it for you! You sound like you've been through the absolute ringer and deserve some rest and TLC

You are not being unreasonable. Look after yourself and your baby first; you have been through a lot.

Midwife.

Definitely no apologises from me!

Have taken the suggestions from PP's and compiled them all into one big FUCK YOU! text to DB and SIL. It felt very good

Have shown DH the thread and he says he feels awful but I doubt it will change a single thing

I'm just going to ignore it all and enjoy time with my little boy!

If your brother and SIL have trouble saying no to now, how are they going to cope with her as a teen?

I've seen this in a family who live in our village. They have three boys on the spectrum and were saying "We can't say no to him because he'll have a meltdown" from the time the oldest was 3. They literally never pull them up on their behaviour and very vocally blame any child who gets hurt by them for not understanding that they have SEN.

The oldest is 16 now. Attends a mainstream school with no SEN support and is doing extremely well, goes on rugby tours with school, goes away camping with friends, generally functions really well but, guess what? When he doesn't get his own way at home it gets very ugly and his brothers are following suit. There isn't a square foot of the house that isn't damaged or a piece of furniture that hasn't been thrown or smashed.

Oh my god, these people are behaving in an absolutely awful way - selfish, ignorant, bullying. Of course you’re not in the wrong.

I’m worried though that their behaviour goes beyond selfish- that they are actually abusing you: making completely unreasonable demands that would affect your health, bullying you and distressing you and manipulating you when you try to put up boundaries.

Do you have reliable friends you can talk to about the way you’re being treated?

Plus, a midwife or health visitor? She could put you in touch with people who can offer support. Midwives and HVs are trained to look out for abusive relationships.

Sorry if that sounds like over reacting, but the way you are being treated is so completely appalling that it sends up - to me- all sorts of red flags about emotionally abusive behaviour which is serious & should not be continuing.

To do this to the mother of a newborn just beggars belief. It is disgusting behaviour.

Fuck them al. And tell your husband to prioritise you and your baby not every Tom dick and Harry!

YANBU at all. They don't even need to tell her no, they just tell her that the day that she can stay is coming soon when she asks. Your husband is in the wrong here as well as them for blaming you.

I had a very similar experience. Traumatic birth, real trouble to breastfeed. BIL and SIL insisted on BIL and niece coming to stay as niece was single DC and wanted to meet the 3 day old baby. They ended up staying for 5 days! I tried threatening to call the police to make them go. Still so furious as it really affected my health and bonding with baby. Cut all contact off afterwards. It's for their sake as I still feel rather murderous towards them (and dh for not physically removing them from our house)! Just stand your ground and do call social services if they do end up uploading their dd on you!