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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not the selfish one here

300 replies

highlowchicalow · 25/10/2019 19:40

I gave birth to my DS 10 days ago. It was a very traumatic birth. I was in labour for 18 hours after a failed induction which resulted in my waters being broken and then ended in an emergency csection after a failed forceps delivery.

I've suffered with femoral nerve palsy which means I cannot walk without crutches and also am on antibiotics for a haemotoma which partially opened up my wound. On top of all this I'm breastfeeding my baby and he is feeding almost consistently so I'm very overwhelmed right now.

I'm finding it very stressful and am in a lot of pain and discomfort.

My brother's DD is autistic and therefore they don't like to say no to her a lot and always try to give her what she wants to avoid meltdowns.

Her mom (SIL) has asked if my DN can stay over as she is obsessed with DS. DH said yes without even asking me and now I've had to tell him to say no.

SIL and DB have become really angry at me and told me I'm being selfish. I broke down and told them I'm really struggling and think it's unfair they want me (DN will stick to me like glue, won't let DH look after her) to look after another child when I can't even look after my own properly due to my injuries and have to heavily rely on DH to help me look after myself too.

They still stand by what they said. I am selfish and should have DN to stay because I know what she is like, and she won't like being told she can't come.

I've also found out one of DH closest friends are frustrated as we had to rearrange them coming to meet DS as I had to go back to hospital to get my hematoma checked out.

Am I seriously being selfish? I hate to think I'm upsetting people but I'm really struggling here and just feel like I need time to get to grips with things Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
highlowchicalow · 26/10/2019 13:51

Update for you all!

My text to DB:

"You won't be getting an apology from me. I would appreciate it if in future you and SIL were more considerate of MY feelings and wellbeing after going through XYZ.

I suggest you text DH and demand an apology from him, since he is the one who let you and DN down.

And until I get an apology from you and SIL for being inconsiderate twats, don't contact me and certainly don't expect me to do your parenting for you."

No reply as of yet but some Facebook statuses have been posted quite clearly about me!!

Also to the person who asked - DH knows exactly what I have gone through, in a lot of detail! In fact, his first response when he found out about the nerve palsy wasn't to ask me if I was okay but was to google whether we could sue the hospital because "we could do with the money" !!!!

OP posts:
Loveislandaddict · 26/10/2019 13:56

Wow, you told them straight!

Hope you are feeling better now post birth,and can start enjoying motherhood.

MindyStClaire · 26/10/2019 13:59

I'd be very tempted to comment on the FB posts "Is this about me refusing to babysit at 10 days post c section?" with a laughing crying emoji. But it's not the most mature response.

Love your message.

timshelthechoice · 26/10/2019 14:00

Bravo! Your H is a twat.

ohfourfoxache · 26/10/2019 14:13

Wow, your “d”h is an absolute cunt Shock

Glad you’ve told them your position in no uncertain terms

PrincessSarene · 26/10/2019 14:19

Well done, OP, well done. Excellent to see you standing up for yourself 👏

showmewhatyougot · 26/10/2019 14:24

My OH is an amazing man, great dad, and very caring, but even he was an utter twat after I gave birth to our son. Is your husband usually better or does he usually not care about your feelings?

Now's a horrible time to have to put up with crap like this, I hope your family is doing better for you.

Your doing amazing, make sure you try and get some rest, throw baby at OH when you can x

peardrops1 · 26/10/2019 14:35

WELL DONE OP!!!!!!

Janaih · 26/10/2019 14:37

wishing you a peaceful recovery Flowers

You do need to keep an eye on your dh problem though. hope he steps up and stops being a dick.

leomama81 · 26/10/2019 14:40

Great message. I can't believe they are posting on FB about you! I would be tempted to comment something myself but you may not want to go there.

Honestly, if my SIL was acting like this towards me at a time like this my DB would be horrified and it would probably seriously impact their relationship. Do you normally get on well with your DB? Where is your mum in all of this?

Original poster
highlowchicalow · 26/10/2019 14:42

@showmewhatyougot usually very lovely!

@leomama81 I'm surprised that my DB seems to be agreeing with SIL or at least allowing her to act like this towards me.. we get on well usually and have never had any problems like this with SIL before.

DM says she doesn't know what to say and doesn't want to get involved!

OP posts:
Original poster
highlowchicalow · 26/10/2019 14:43

Also yes, very tempted to comment on the Facebook posts! But don't want to come across as immature!

OP posts:
diddl · 26/10/2019 14:49

""Is this about me refusing to babysit at 10 days post c section?"

I'd be very tempted to put that tbh.

Even if they said no it would show them up for the inconsiderate twats they are for even asking.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/10/2019 14:52

”In fact, he's told me to just apologise to SIL just so we can move on and forget about it...”

The only apology the SIL deserves is this:

“SIL - I am sorry you can’t or won’t parent YOUR child. I am sorry you are so stupid and/or insensitive that you thought it was appropriate to ask me to baby sit your demanding, high needs child when I have had major surgery only 10 days ago, serious complications, and am breastfeeding a newborn. I am sorry that your stupidity and insensitivity extends to having a tantrum yourself, when you didn’t get to shirk the responsibility of looking after your own child (I can see where dn gets her tendency to tantrum when she doesn’t get her own way). I am not sorry for putting myself and my child first - since I am the ONLY person in the family who is going to do so!”

But the text you sent was better, @highlowchicalow, and I hope you are tucked up comfortably with your lovely baby, being properly looked after by your dh.

leomama81 · 26/10/2019 14:52

It must be so hurtful for them to be treating you like this at such a time. I would find it very difficult to get past tbh.

You could write something like "if this is about me not babysitting while very ill 10 days after an emergency c-section, please have some consideration and not take it public". That would not come across immature I don't think.

Alternatively you could just unfollow them and ignore their twattery. I'm so sorry they are being like this towards you! I hope at least your OH is properly realizing the error of his ways now.

LoveGrowsWhere · 26/10/2019 14:54

Put a little message out on your own FB page (not responding to the self-centred ones).
'Thanks for all the good wishes on the birth of our gorgeous little bundle. We are home now but it was a bit hairy and we're taking a little time to recover in peace. Sorry if we haven't thanked you individually, as soon as I'm feeling in one piece again and off the crutches we'll be open to visitors. Thanks for understanding x'.

showmewhatyougot · 26/10/2019 14:55

I'm glad to hear he's not normally like this. People forget although it's obviously traumatic and horrible for the woman, the dads have also just gone through some stuff, it must be horrible just sat there watching someone you loves be in so much pain and not being able to help, feeling useless. They don't have the same hormones and adrenaline to deal with it and think as rationally as us ;) Make sure he makes it up to you!

And fuck them, who in their right mind would think it's acceptable to leave a 5 year old with someone's who's just had a baby? Let alone one with additional needs. They clearly need help.

justilou1 · 26/10/2019 14:56

Oh... my...god....
Leave some notes with family law solicitors names and numbers around and see if DH suddenly grows a spine.

NoSquirrels · 26/10/2019 15:11

Don’t respond on FB, however tempted you are. If they’re vaguebooking they come across as idiots anyway. And if they tell anyone ‘their side of the story’ they’ll very quickly find out no one agrees with them.

I understand your mum doesn’t want to say anything but that’s a bit crap of her too, frankly. I know she’s peacekeeping but it’s at the expense of telling you you’ve done nothing wrong. I hope she’s telling you that privately, at least.

Awesome text, by the way.

purplepalace · 26/10/2019 15:19

I quite like @LoveGrowsWhere Facebook suggestion

Quartz2208 · 26/10/2019 15:26

I’m glad you stood up to your DB and your DM isn’t getting involved

What about your H though he clearly isn’t supporting you like he should that money statement is awful

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 26/10/2019 15:31

Christ on a bike !! I very, very often roll my eyes at the hyper precious attitude of some new Mums on here.... but YADNU ..Tell them all to fuck right off ! Issue your DH with a long list of duties and try and get some self care .I am actually angry for you

Kaddm · 26/10/2019 15:48

Well done op. Your text will ensure that people don’t crap on you in the future.

FreeBedForFlys · 26/10/2019 15:59

You’re surrounded by horrible people and your husband is an arsehole.

Congratulations on your new baby. If I were you I’d LTB when you feel stronger. I’d never be able to get over my DH not sticking up for me.

JollyJlly · 26/10/2019 16:04

Op Flowers sending positive thoughts yanbu they all need to get a grip!

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