To think I'm not the selfish one here

[highlowchicalow]

I gave birth to my DS 10 days ago. It was a very traumatic birth. I was in labour for 18 hours after a failed induction which resulted in my waters being broken and then ended in an emergency csection after a failed forceps delivery.

I've suffered with femoral nerve palsy which means I cannot walk without crutches and also am on antibiotics for a haemotoma which partially opened up my wound. On top of all this I'm breastfeeding my baby and he is feeding almost consistently so I'm very overwhelmed right now.

I'm finding it very stressful and am in a lot of pain and discomfort.

My brother's DD is autistic and therefore they don't like to say no to her a lot and always try to give her what she wants to avoid meltdowns.

Her mom (SIL) has asked if my DN can stay over as she is obsessed with DS. DH said yes without even asking me and now I've had to tell him to say no.

SIL and DB have become really angry at me and told me I'm being selfish. I broke down and told them I'm really struggling and think it's unfair they want me (DN will stick to me like glue, won't let DH look after her) to look after another child when I can't even look after my own properly due to my injuries and have to heavily rely on DH to help me look after myself too.

They still stand by what they said. I am selfish and should have DN to stay because I know what she is like, and she won't like being told she can't come.

I've also found out one of DH closest friends are frustrated as we had to rearrange them coming to meet DS as I had to go back to hospital to get my hematoma checked out.

Am I seriously being selfish? I hate to think I'm upsetting people but I'm really struggling here and just feel like I need time to get to grips with things

They must be having a giraffe.

Poor kid is going to struggle at school as she gets older and the real world doesn't pander to her like her parents do. She'll be the one suffering.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby OP! I really hope things get easier for you.

YADNBU. These unfortunate pricks around you ought to know better. To put things into perspective my SIL has brought me home cooked food after the births of all my children, has always stayed to wash dishes, hold baby while I rest etc etc. That is what family are supposed to do.

Your DB and SIL are being extremely selfish and unreasonable. You do not offload a child, Sen or no Sen, on a woman who’s just had a baby. Their DD needs to be told no and that is their problem.

In future your DH needs to run things like this by you. I think set some ground rules now, so he doesn’t make any future mistakes like this, because it sounds like he needs it made clear to him that from now on you and your DS come first.

I'm not often shocked OP, but wow.

I had an extremely similar birth to yours and oh my god, the aftermath was horrendous.

My brother is autistic and although I love him very much, if my step mum (whom I also love to bits) had seriously asked for him to stay (in the same manner as your family have) after my DDs birth (he would of been 14 at the time) I would have told her to go fuck herself and not felt a jot of guilt about it.

They want you to have a 5 year old ASD child, who would want all your attention, to stay overnight, in your condition, on no sleep and with a cluster feeding baby?

Send them the link to apply to BGT, because that's some funny shit.

YADNBU. Rarely post on here but just had to. They are unbelievable please look after yourself and tell them all to go to hell.

I'm still absolutely staggered that your DH wanted YOU to apologise to SIL and BIl for not meeting their outrageously shitty entitled demands. They are examples of how NOT to parent; don't aid their crappy parenting.

Your DH owes you a massive sincere apology and proof that he actually gets how his lack of a spine affects you.

Your DH also owes you an apology for telling you about his friends' 'disappointment' that they couldn't visit on their schedule. How dreadful that your necessary lifesaving trip to the hospital inconvenienced the. Can you hear how that sounds Mr OP? And you felt the need to relay that to OP? Are you fucking mad? You should have shredded your friends' sense of entitlement and lack of concern for your wife's health, the mother of your newborn!

I hope your DH grows up immediately and realises his priorities in life are to protect and support you, OP. Not try to please everyone in the world that grumps at him ... except you of course ... for an easy life. You don't need such uselessness in your life.

I have 2 sons with severe autism, one non-verbal and one barely verbal.
When they get told no, they both have a tantrum (not a meltdown!!) and one bites his arm, the other throws himself repeatedly on the floor. And guess what? A no is still a No!

Your DB and SIL are just raising a child who is as entitled as they are.

Take care of yourself and make yourself a priority cause it seems no one around is, especially your DH.

I’m actually horrified reading this. I’m so sorry OP that you’re surrounded by utter cunts.

To your husband: you are an absolute fuckwit. Step the fuck up and put the woman who JUST GAVE BIRTH TO YOUR CHILD first, you fucking twat. What the actual fuck were you thinking? Grow some fucking balls and be a man.

To your brother and SIL: you’re a pair of fucking using bastards. Parent your own fucking child and do the OP a favour and leave her the fuck alone.

Please feel free to continue to show your husband this thread with everyone saying he's a totally selfish bastard to you. FFS they are disgustingly selfish.

Take care of you and Baby.

What does your mum make of all this? Surely she must think your brother is unreasonable and have a word

Have shown DH the thread and he says he feels awful but I doubt it will change a single thing hmm

Actions speak louder then words. He now needs to be your buffer for when they call and message back. He needs to admit he was being selfish and trying to please and it won't be happening again. He will put family, his wife and son, first.

Then he lives up to those words. He's been a poor husband so far hopefully he will step up. Dh read this last night and raised a good point that if he puts everyone else first and doesn't have your back, then he puts himself first too as he would rather you in pain or the 'bad guy' then him. It's cowardly and a poor partner who does that.

Watch out too for flying monkeys if you tend to people please. Mainly relatives, mum and dad will they oist in and throw their opinion at you or are they good dp?

Please tell me you sent this magical “FUCK YOU” email to everyone!!! (DH included!)
And that you have clearly set out boundaries explaining that from now on the universe does not revolve around the whims a tyrannical little 5 year old, her clueless parents, her spineless uncle or the rest of her extended family. From now on you will be prioritizing your baby and your health and if people are not with you, then they are against you and can get to fuck.
Over and out.

Ooooh what did your big fuck off text say?! Have they replied? Well done OP. I hope your H learns from this.

It's interesting how your husband's "people pleasing" doesn't extend to pleasing you, isn't it?

And everything LannisterLion1 said.

YANBU at all OP, you poor thing. I also had a couple of traumatic births and there’s no way I’d want to be babysitting anyone else’s child a few days after. I’m aghast you’re SIL and BIL even had the audacity to ask and also shocked your DH agreed to it.

You are 100% not selfish, they are the selfish inconsiderate ones.

Glad you are sticking up for yourself. It is ridiculous that they asked, and that dh said yes. You have nothing to apologise for.

You dont ask a new mum to do anything never mind one with injuries!!! Brother Sil and DH are being selfish/stupid.

What??? He SAYS he feels awful but you have no inkling at all that things will change? If anything that makes the situation for your marriage even worse, if that were possible.
I say I’m a fucking ballet dancing unicorn. But unless I develop a horn and start shitting rainbows, what I say means fuck all! See how it works, Mr highlow???

Refuse to babysit from now on.

I cant believe they pander to a child like that. She will end up being a monster!

This thread has really topped up my sweat jar

*my fucking swear jar

Your DH needs to grow a pair & start putting you first! You have just had major emergency surgery, are now almost solely responsible for a new baby, & are still in a lot of pain. He cocked up by agreeing to BIL/SIL's request, he needs to apologise (not you).

TBH, it rather sounds like your BIL & SIL needs to grow a pair, too. DCs with autism can still understand the meaning of the word "no". She will cope much better with clear & consistent boundaries. I suspect they just CBA to do the hard yards of parenting a child with additional needs.

I'd be inclined to mute anyone on SM who mentions anything about it that isn't supportive of your position. And put your phone on silent. You're supposed to be resting, anyway, aren't you. If any relatives flying monkeys turn up & start spouting their opinions, just retire to bed - with the baby. They'll get the message soon enough.

Yanbu to say no.

Wow they are doing your DN a disservice by giving her everything she wants.
You look after you right now. Your Dh is a wanker. Once you’re feeling better you’ll need to have a word about how selfish and thoughtless he is.

OP, let us know if your brother replies! We are all invested now...

Jesus Christ this gives me the RAGE!!!!!!!
do they understand your vagina has been torn to shreds 10 days ago, that it has very large sold metal medical equipment shoved up it 10 days ago? do they understand you then had MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY 10 days ago? do they understand you have to use crutches because you have palsy? do they understand you have wound complications? does your husband know all this? if not i would be telling them in graphic detail and telling them where to shove it, ( and punching your husband in the nuts every time i crutched past him, just so he had the slightest idea of how you have been feeling for the last 10 days)