To think I'm not the selfish one here

[highlowchicalow]

I gave birth to my DS 10 days ago. It was a very traumatic birth. I was in labour for 18 hours after a failed induction which resulted in my waters being broken and then ended in an emergency csection after a failed forceps delivery.

I've suffered with femoral nerve palsy which means I cannot walk without crutches and also am on antibiotics for a haemotoma which partially opened up my wound. On top of all this I'm breastfeeding my baby and he is feeding almost consistently so I'm very overwhelmed right now.

I'm finding it very stressful and am in a lot of pain and discomfort.

My brother's DD is autistic and therefore they don't like to say no to her a lot and always try to give her what she wants to avoid meltdowns.

Her mom (SIL) has asked if my DN can stay over as she is obsessed with DS. DH said yes without even asking me and now I've had to tell him to say no.

SIL and DB have become really angry at me and told me I'm being selfish. I broke down and told them I'm really struggling and think it's unfair they want me (DN will stick to me like glue, won't let DH look after her) to look after another child when I can't even look after my own properly due to my injuries and have to heavily rely on DH to help me look after myself too.

They still stand by what they said. I am selfish and should have DN to stay because I know what she is like, and she won't like being told she can't come.

I've also found out one of DH closest friends are frustrated as we had to rearrange them coming to meet DS as I had to go back to hospital to get my hematoma checked out.

Am I seriously being selfish? I hate to think I'm upsetting people but I'm really struggling here and just feel like I need time to get to grips with things

You are being right to stand up for yourself and say what you need for yourself !
Well done

Shocked that your dh said yes without being considerate to you and newborn !

Everyone else us being extremely selfish and tbh if they want to raise the girl properly they need to teach her that no is sometimes the answer and that's just the way life is for everyone... It might be harder for her to learn being autistic but that dousnt change the fact that everyone needs to learn it.

You are doing the right thing for yourself your child and everyone else invlolved and don't let anyone tell you otherwise

Sweetheart - your H needs to text them and you need some rest and recuperation. If you can, set them aside, block their numbers.

You and your baby need calm.

Please do tell your midwife the situation too. Midwives are formidable advocates!

I’d sent a group text to everyone telling them all to fuck right off! What a bunch of self centred cunts!

Omg YANBU, please stand up for yourself, your DH should've but seems fucking incapable. I'm fuming for you.

Just enjoy your new baby as best you can under trying circumstances, it'll get easier, be kind to yourself.

Wow.

You are surrounded by selfish and thoughtless arseholes, including your own DH I'm afraid. I'm so sorry.

Stand firm. You're not wrong. They are. They ALL are.

And make it very clear to your DH that he needs to pull his head out of his arse and start advocating for you and his child.

I've been where you are and things will get better. Hunker down and get through this however you can. Call you on your support network - the friends who are really there for you, then women who have had babies and show they understand, professionals you can truly talk to, and those who actually want to help. Do not forget what DH, DB and SIL have done and do not allow history to be rewritten. Talk about what is happening loudly to anyone who will listen. Get in bed with baby and text your friends, your NCT group whatever. I had a horribly traumatic birth, c section, complications and we nearly lost DD. DH, PIL and DPs acted appallingly. I was basically told that women 'squat down and have babies in rice fields every day and just carry on' by MIL. FIL thought it was ridiculous that we couldn't pop in on the way home following the c section (and he literally meant that afternoon like I would just hop off the table). MIL was jubilant I couldn't breastfeed and said they would all cope without me if I wasnt around (I was suicidal from PND not that anyone cared). DH moaned constantly about having to drive an hr each way whilst I was with DD 24/7 in special care having moved in to the unit to be with her. He didnt do a single night feed. I was on my own but the months passed and i got through it. Actually it was month 4 when i was feeling better and DD was ok that I started to crumble. I had to build myself up and become a stronger, forceful parent. I found birth trauma counselling, ADs and then couples counselling helpful. Please be reassured that we are all thinking of you and you will get through this.

I got as far as: I gave birth to my DS 10 days ago. and I decided you weren't being selfish.

Add in the rest of it, and you are dealing with some pretty insensitive, selfish, inconsiderate twats.

Your db and sil need to parent their dd. They are doing her no favours be always giving in. Your dh's friend needs to cop on.

Why in earth would anyone think it's acceptable for someone 10 days postpartum to be looking after another person's child as well? That alone is ridiculous, without your trauma and your neice's additional needs on top of that. I'm so sorry you are being put under this stress.

I'm currently texting DB, he says SIL is angry that I've upset DN and she'd like me to be more considerate of her feelings in future

Presumably you pointed out that it was the other adults who made DN a promise they shouldn’t have made and they were the ones who upset her.

What horrible people they are! After giving birth, the only visitor I didn't mind was the nurse who came to check on us. How can they be that inconsiderate! Say a firm NO and let them label you whatever they want!

What a horrendous story this is. My DIL has just has a similar traumatic birth and absolutely everyone in the family is rallying round to support her without intruding but just sending meals and taking stress away so she can concentrate on looking after her baby and recovering herself. I am absolutely appalled OP at the way you are being treated you poor girl. Don't even get involved with texting. As another poster suggested, take yourself off to your bedroom with baby and stay put. DH should be taking take of you and fending all this off, he is a disgrace. Someone should show him this thread.

Ditto, ditto and ditto.

I can hardly believe this; your brother is having a go at you for 'upsetting' his 5 year old daughter who has ASD so can't be told 'no'? I always believed that I had to make sure that some disappointments were programmed into my son's life; it would have been much easier to bow down to his wishes and not have to deal with the rage when he didn't get what he wanted. I started small; he could have an ice cream 'if the man was there' but not if he wasn't. I wouldn't let the nice lady manning the stall give him a consolation price because his ticket didn't end in a 0 or a 5... It's much, much easier to try to smooth the path but that's not real life, and no 5 year old should rule the roost to that extent.
Tell your midwife - and stand well back...

Don't you dare apologise!

Nothing to apologise for. Your DH needs his head wobbled!
YANBU at all.

Are they insane???? You gave birth less than two weeks ago, are on crutches and have an open wound and the want you to look after their five year old?????? Irrespective of her having autism or not they are being absolutely ridiculous!!!

Your DH needs to sort his head out and to tell them to fuck right off!

How selfish can some people be?
You're not in the wrong! Do not spend any time stressing over it.
A c section is hard enough to recover from never mind everything else you also have going on.
Don't worry about anyone else but yourself and your precious little baby.
The first couple of weeks with a newborn is a wonderful time.

Jesus wept, who the fuck ARE these people? I mean, I know who they are, OP, but who in hell thinks this is an ok way to behave towards a brand new mother recovering from major surgery?

I’m raging on your behalf, as is everyone else - and a totally unanimous response on here is as rare as unicorn shit. Show your useless fucking husband this thread, tell him to step up, grow a pair and start prioritising his wife and child.

As for the rest of them, block and ignore until such time as you’re rested, well and able to give them the nuclear bollocking they deserve.

Congratulations on your baby, love, hope you’re back on your feet soon.

I'm currently texting DB, he says SIL is angry that I've upset DN and she'd like me to be more considerate of her feelings in future

Tell them they should be more considerate of your feelings in future....and not make promises to their kid on behalf of other people without checking first. End of. Please, please put yourself first....

So sorry you are experiencing this, you should be resting not having all this rubbish thrown at you. As someone who had a high risk pregnancy, traumatic birth (where I nearly died), and then severe pnd (I feel largely because I tried to carry on as normal and put everyone else's needs before my own), please don't do too much and rest all you can. Tell your db to get stuffed and learn to parent his child and tell dh to grow a pair and think of you and your health and wellbeing not his popularity. Cfs the lot of them. Sending hugs xxx

It's time to start reconsidering your relationship with SIL, definitely start pulling back and reducing contact with her. Nobody needs such a selfish cow in your life, and your DH's reaction to this whole thing is weird, he's not putting your welfare first and that's very unhealthy.

Prepare yourself that this may be the start of you being expected to put your child's needs after their child's needs in the future. Your baby is not a toy or something to amuse their child with. DN is used to every adult in her life putting her first, this has got to change, you and DH will (should) put your baby first now, things have changed. The sooner they all get used to it the better.

I'd be showing DH this thread....he needs a fucking wake up call.

Wow I have a child with ASD and it’s potentially reckless! They sound weak as parents and willing to you, your baby and their child in emotional and physical harm potentially. You can’t be expected to keep an eye on her and it will distract you from your baby and your health needs.

I do find people who aren’t coping themselves sometimes put it all on others, but the reason they aren’t coping is probably because they are selfish in the first place and always taking the easy route.

Please reach out to your friends and your health visitor.

You are surrounded by people whom clearly don't have you or your baby's best interests in mind.

You need protecting from that shower of wasters.

Your DH is an idiot, your DB is an idiot and your SIL is an idiot.

Are they really that fucking stupid?

At this point I’d be going grey rock and leaning on your friends.

What a pile of twats.

Tell them all to go fuck themselves. Your “D”H included.

Apologise my arse. Bunch of selfish arsehols.

Take care of yourself

I think you ought to text your brother, "please dont promise niece that she can come over, without asking me first, as I feel very poorly and delicate at the moment. I also have my hands full with the baby, so wont be able to baby sit for you guys for a while." Ignore any further messages.