To think I'm not the selfish one here

[highlowchicalow]

I gave birth to my DS 10 days ago. It was a very traumatic birth. I was in labour for 18 hours after a failed induction which resulted in my waters being broken and then ended in an emergency csection after a failed forceps delivery.

I've suffered with femoral nerve palsy which means I cannot walk without crutches and also am on antibiotics for a haemotoma which partially opened up my wound. On top of all this I'm breastfeeding my baby and he is feeding almost consistently so I'm very overwhelmed right now.

I'm finding it very stressful and am in a lot of pain and discomfort.

My brother's DD is autistic and therefore they don't like to say no to her a lot and always try to give her what she wants to avoid meltdowns.

Her mom (SIL) has asked if my DN can stay over as she is obsessed with DS. DH said yes without even asking me and now I've had to tell him to say no.

SIL and DB have become really angry at me and told me I'm being selfish. I broke down and told them I'm really struggling and think it's unfair they want me (DN will stick to me like glue, won't let DH look after her) to look after another child when I can't even look after my own properly due to my injuries and have to heavily rely on DH to help me look after myself too.

They still stand by what they said. I am selfish and should have DN to stay because I know what she is like, and she won't like being told she can't come.

I've also found out one of DH closest friends are frustrated as we had to rearrange them coming to meet DS as I had to go back to hospital to get my hematoma checked out.

Am I seriously being selfish? I hate to think I'm upsetting people but I'm really struggling here and just feel like I need time to get to grips with things

DM says she doesn't know what to say and doesn't want to get involved!

This is the kind of shit I will never spout when my boys are older.

If one behaves like an arsehole I’ll tell him. Parents refusing to get involved from early gives licence to behaviour like this.

If your DB called you mum to moan the only acceptable response from her would be ‘please tell me you didn’t expect X to have your daughter overnight 10 days after such a trauma? Please tell me I’ve misunderstood because I’ve not raised such a selfish prick as that...’

And my 6YO DS has ASD - he knows very well he doesn’t get his own way all the time and even though he can get moody with it he understands the world doesn’t revolve round him.

This thread has made me so angry.

You are not being selfish in the slightest. Who on earth insists that a woman who had just had a traumatic birth should host another kid?

No! You have a ten day old baby and a scar that's still healing. That takes six weeks! What is wrong with them?!

Well done op and congratulations

Well done for sending the text, OP. I'm speechless at how your family have behaved towards you.
My DH also really seemed to struggle with understanding the extent of what I went through when I had both my DC's. He's a lovely man, but I certainly never felt that he had any clue of the pain and trauma of childbirth, emergency c section and recovery etc. I do like to remind him though when he moans about having "a dodgy knee", diddums

Autistic children do have trouble with 'no', but part of teaching them to live in the real world is teaching them to understand that the world will not always be the way they want it to be. Your DH's first concern right now is you and your new baby. SIL needs to understand that a) you cannot turn the world around to accommodate her daughter, b) there is no reason why you should, and c) she is doing her daughter no favours by teaching her that things will always go her way. Like all children, she has to learn to deal with frustration. I have brought up an autistic child, and have an autistic GD, and I know we would have been doing them no favours if we had given in to all demands and tantrums. Right now, you need to take care of yourself and your baby. That is not being selfish, it is being wise. A little more wisdom from those around you might help.

First of all, congratulations!!

I am so sorry you are surrounded by arseholes. What on earth are they all playing at?? Something that I have found helpful to come to terms with is that just because somebody feels a certain way, that doesn't make it so. Your SIL/DB/DM/DH/postman might feel that you are being selfish but that doesn't make them right. I think sometimes it's easy to start to doubt yourself in a situation like this, but I hope this thread has given you the confidence to know that it's very much them, not you.

So tell your DH to pull his head out of his arse and behave like a supportive parent and father, and then forget about the rest of them completely. Let them come to you when they are ready to apologise and make amends. Just enjoy your baby and don't waste your time thinking about them. Try and let it wash over you. A particular portion of my family were behaving like bastards around the time I had DD and the stress and unpleasantness (which wasn't directed at me, but was just all-consuming) really did tarnish that special time when I became a mum. I don't think I will ever really forgive them for that and when I look back at those weeks and months there is always a little pang of sadness. If you can get the whole mess out of your headspace then you will be so much happier for it, I promise you. Unfortunately you can't stop other people from being bell ends. You can only control yourself and how you respond to it.

They are utter selfish twats.

I agree it's not great of your DM not to get involved either, understand she doesn't want to be drawn into it but I know mine would have something to say if this was happening to me!

" Italian - it’s worse! It’s not her DH’s family, it’s her own brother and his wife."

Sorry, OP your brother and his wife, they are mad.

How are you doing now OP?

Your mother doesn't know what to say?

How about simply "highlow had a baby 10 days ago!

She doesn't need to get into an argument with them, but it seems as if they need the bloody obvious pointing out to them!

When I started to read this post I was beside myself with rage and temper on your behalf op. These people are out and out Fucking barmy wankers.
I think you're managing wonderfully well for 10 days post birth. Just concentrate on you and your beautiful baby.

@Italiangreyhound feeling much better thank you.

Since this thread and the suggestion of using my crutches on DH has come about, I've been sat in bed with DS imagining myself using them to knock some sense into him It's certainly helping me get over the situation.

Also yes, I'm raging DM didn't step in to tell them they're complete knobs! She's always had a thing with letting DB get away with things though so it doesn't entirely surprise me

@Merryoldgoat
Completely agree.

Indeed you must be disappointed also with your mother, but not surprised, if your brother is "the golden child".

OP, you are a mother now.

You and your child are your priority.

You can be a looser or a learner from this experience.

You now have the measure of a lot of people who surround you.

Your husband needs to decide is he with you or against you.

He can't be both.

Please protect yourself going forward, even from your husband.
He may not deserve you.💐

"DM says she doesn't know what to say and doesn't want to get involved!"

"Also yes, I'm raging DM didn't step in to tell them they're complete knobs! She's always had a thing with letting DB get away with things though so it doesn't entirely surprise me "

"Thanks for that, Mum. I can see exactly where you stand on the issue. I won't forget this."

Firstly congratulations on your new son. Secondly WTAF were they all thinking? Sure, why not add in that you are going to take part in Strictly or Bake-off while looking after their little darling as you've clearly nothing better to be doing with your time (except bonding with your new baby, recovering after major surgery, resting and getting yourself better and that's just for starters).
I was outraged when I read your thread yesterday and I am cheering you on.

If I were you, I really would send the message that @WhereYouLeftIt suggested to your mother. She is his mother too. She really should have pulled her own son up on how completely unreasonable he was being to his sister. That's part of being a parent, whether your child is 2 years, 22 years or 52 years old. She doesn't sound like she has been there for you in the past. Well, now it's her time to step up to the plate for you too.

As for your DH suggesting whether you could sue the hospital due to your current condition so that you could use the money...well he sounds like an absolute gem of a gentleman....NOT! His words are awful. His behaviour leaves an awful lot to be desired. Him not realizing that this just might have been a bad idea to begin with..he sounds thick too. It's bloody obvious that ANYONE who has undergone major surgery should be up and about and ready to look after a 2 year old 10 days after it, let alone be exhausted and needing your own care as you're feeding your baby yourself.
Eejit of the highest order (and that is nothing to be proud of).

Your update on your husband- what a shitbag.

Your brother and SIL- pair of entitled selfish wankers. Never do them a favour again.

Your mum- cowardly favouritising and showing where you and your ds stand in her eyes.

@highlowchicalow

You are doing so well coping with your situation and the people around you! I am amazed by your strength and clarity of mind during what is a very emotional, painful, hormonal and major upheaval of a time.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby and on waking that great mama bear inside you.

Enjoy this time with your little one.

Well done!

I wouldn't be able to resist making that comment on their fb posts :D

Jokers to the left of you, fuckers to the right, here you are stuck in the middle with a ton of very recent post-birthing injuries and a ten day old baby to look after.

She'd like me to be more considerate of her feelings in future What a self centred bitch. I'm sorry you have such a awful unsupportive family but well done for standing up to them

Gosh, you are brilliant, OP. Wishing you a speedy recovery in all ways.

You need to (continue to) put yourself & your new baby first for the moment. As it's abundantly clear that no-one else is likely to.

Hope things are better now. Well done for being strong. Put yourself and baby first.