To think I'm not the selfish one here

[highlowchicalow]

I gave birth to my DS 10 days ago. It was a very traumatic birth. I was in labour for 18 hours after a failed induction which resulted in my waters being broken and then ended in an emergency csection after a failed forceps delivery.

I've suffered with femoral nerve palsy which means I cannot walk without crutches and also am on antibiotics for a haemotoma which partially opened up my wound. On top of all this I'm breastfeeding my baby and he is feeding almost consistently so I'm very overwhelmed right now.

I'm finding it very stressful and am in a lot of pain and discomfort.

My brother's DD is autistic and therefore they don't like to say no to her a lot and always try to give her what she wants to avoid meltdowns.

Her mom (SIL) has asked if my DN can stay over as she is obsessed with DS. DH said yes without even asking me and now I've had to tell him to say no.

SIL and DB have become really angry at me and told me I'm being selfish. I broke down and told them I'm really struggling and think it's unfair they want me (DN will stick to me like glue, won't let DH look after her) to look after another child when I can't even look after my own properly due to my injuries and have to heavily rely on DH to help me look after myself too.

They still stand by what they said. I am selfish and should have DN to stay because I know what she is like, and she won't like being told she can't come.

I've also found out one of DH closest friends are frustrated as we had to rearrange them coming to meet DS as I had to go back to hospital to get my hematoma checked out.

Am I seriously being selfish? I hate to think I'm upsetting people but I'm really struggling here and just feel like I need time to get to grips with things

Seriously OP you need a serious chat with your DH. He is being a twat he needs to put his wife and child ahead and stop with the notion that you need to say yes to everything.

And make it very clear to your brother that however much you love your DN your DS and your health is your priority and they need to have a long hard think about what he was asking his sister who CANNOT WALK at the moment without crutches and that actually you are the one who should be angry not your SIL

And now you know where you figure in their mind.
My ils never forgave me for not allowing SN sil age 10 to push ds round the streets in his pram.
Once let her play in the hallway when he was crawling.. She shut the door, enticed him upstairs with skipping ropes, he slipped down a few entangled in them and I was the baddy for telling her off.
Never again was she left unsupervised..
Stand up for your self op-and your baby. And if dh won't he can fuck off back to his mummy
..

You absolutely are but being selfish.

But if I were you I’d have a stonking tantrum at anyone and everyone about how you Fucking well will be selfish from now and until further notice, because no other fucker gives a fuck about you...and will only stop once every other fucker pulls their heads out of their selfish arses and stop acting like massive dicks.

Because seriously, they are being massive dicks, and need to pull their selfish heads out of their selfish arses.

*not

He wants you to apologise to your SiL for not making yourself ill doing her a pointless favour?!

Maybe hes right. Apologise to them all for choosing such a numpty to have babies with who doesn't realise he's not meant to make things worse for his wife after giving birth

@CalmdownJanet I need to listen to my own username 😂 These fuckers have me irrationally angry

😂😂😂

DN is 5 for the person who asked.

"In fact, he's told me to just apologise to SIL just so we can move on and forget about it"

First days with a new baby are some of the most intense of your whole life and the memories burn deep. I am still smarting from my father asking me to get discharged from hospital quickly after my first was born because it would be "more convenient for my [ASD adult] sister to visit". I'd had the full horror birth story, 10 days in hospital, section, blood transfusions etc etc. My daughter is 21 and I'm still annoyed about this. You'll never forget this and they should be apologising to you.

OP - you need to summon some strength and make it clear that this baby marks the end of you being walked over - it sounds like everyone is used to you giving way.

The first call is your brother:

‘I’m sorry your daughter is upset but if you and SIL are so selfish that you can’t suppoet your sister when she needs you it’s best we take a break. I expect this will upset your daughter more but it’s in your power to resolve this.

Then your husband:

You may be used to putting everyone other than me first, but it stops today. I’m struggling, unwell and need your support - DC and I come first and if you can’t get on board then we need to have a serious talk because I’m not putting up with it anymore.

Family like them aren’t worth having - they’re fucking vampires.

You’re doing awesomely - keep going and advocate for yourself and your baby. No one else will.

You have two issues your DB/SIL and your DH and you need to set down the groundrules now and make it very clear that they are the ones who are asking too much and you are not being selfish. Do not back down on either issue

DB however awful it is for them they need to let her meltdown. They also need to understand what your priorities now have changed with the new baby

and tell your DH to frankly grow a pair and put his family first

DONT. YOU. DARE. APOLOGISE.

Your DB and SIL are couple of cunts and your DH as a absolute titbag.

I'll come round and kick all between the legs if you like, just give them idea of what kind of pain you are dealing with.

Oh OP, you are definitely not selfish. I had a similar labour to you, but without the nerve palsy and I remember my MIL called in when dc was 12 days old. I knew she was looking at me funny the whole time she was here but I was too tired to care.

A couple of months later she told me I looked so bad that day that she was really worried for me that I might be really ill. I really was just that tired.

Do not apologise to anybody. Ignore them all and snuggle with your baby.

I think you need to text SIL and tell her that you’re expecting her to be more considerate of your feelings in future and that she needs to be think about her behaviour And then go to bed with your beautiful baby and rest up and snuggle for a good few days

^^This, again and again. When I was born, I ended up being an emergency caesarean, and then my mum got an infection in the wound. She didn’t even leave hospital until I was 10 days old. You are doing fantastically well, stuff the lot of them.

@calmdownjanet

Please, never calm down. That was magnificent.

Op. Send Janet’s response. It will save years of hassle. 🤣

Please tell me you’ve got someone looking out for you and making sure you’re looked after.
What utter self involved idiots!

Bless you OP. Nothing to add that pp haven't already said. You are surrounded by twunts at the moment. I hope that changes!

Wow op, your husband is not being great enabling this. If he can’t support you at your most vulnerable, when can he?

oh Lordy they are building themselves up to a whole lifetime of madness - never saying No to a child because they are scared of her meltdowns??!!! I have 2 ASD kids and am ASD myself.
This is doing that kid no favours whatsoever. She needs to learn, gradually and kindly maybe, how to deal with the meltdown issue.
They are going to get a big shock. So is she.

But no, you are not selfish at all

I honestly think I’d disown my own brother if he was like this with me too.

Don't you dare apologise. Are they seriously insane??????

Even a child with autism needs to learn they can’t always have their own way. Otherwise they won’t cope well with school, friends and adult life. Also you can’t adequately look after DN at present so can’t guarantee her safety. How will SIL and DB feel if she’s injured because you weren’t mobile enough to keep tabs on her?

And definitely do not apologise.

Your husband is being a shit husband and father. If he doesn't fight your corner he never will. He needs to step up and put his family first.

Your BILSIL are selfish turds.

Who the fuck asks the mother of a 10 day old baby to babysit?

Even if you sailed through the birth and even if your DN was as quiet as a mouse and amused herself all evening that's still an outrageous request.

With what you've been through it's absolutely ridiculous.

And your DH needs a boot up the arse for agreeing (I bet your SIL knew he would which is why she asked him and not you!)

Gosh, I'd be tempted by the first half of CalmDownJanet's response (not the messiah child stuff, that will make you the bad guy).

DB, I am ten days post surgery, I have an open wound and I can't walk. I'm up all night clusterfeeding. I don't know what way is up, and I need support from my family and friends. That does not involve doing favours for others or taking on yet more caring responsibilities when I'm already drowning. Please rest assured I will not forget the way my family have treated me when I'm at my most vulnerable.

They are all a bunch of selfish arseholes.

Your needs and baby's needs come first.

I don't normally advocate getting a DH to read a thread, but maybe in this case...

Mr highlowchicalow, it's way past time for you to pull your head out of your arse and grow up. Put your wife and baby first.

Your wife is still very ill, and has done absolutely nothing wrong here. The DB and SIL are selfish morons who want to foist their DD off on your poorly wife and you agree? You think your wife needs to apologise?

If you want your marriage to survive, don't keep putting your wife at the bottom of the pile, she needs to be at the top. Let me remind you, a C Section is classed as major surgery. Remember that, major surgery. Your wife should be resting as much as possible while she's feeding your child. She should NOT be looking after anyone else right now, even you.