To think I'm not the selfish one here

[highlowchicalow]

I gave birth to my DS 10 days ago. It was a very traumatic birth. I was in labour for 18 hours after a failed induction which resulted in my waters being broken and then ended in an emergency csection after a failed forceps delivery.

I've suffered with femoral nerve palsy which means I cannot walk without crutches and also am on antibiotics for a haemotoma which partially opened up my wound. On top of all this I'm breastfeeding my baby and he is feeding almost consistently so I'm very overwhelmed right now.

I'm finding it very stressful and am in a lot of pain and discomfort.

My brother's DD is autistic and therefore they don't like to say no to her a lot and always try to give her what she wants to avoid meltdowns.

Her mom (SIL) has asked if my DN can stay over as she is obsessed with DS. DH said yes without even asking me and now I've had to tell him to say no.

SIL and DB have become really angry at me and told me I'm being selfish. I broke down and told them I'm really struggling and think it's unfair they want me (DN will stick to me like glue, won't let DH look after her) to look after another child when I can't even look after my own properly due to my injuries and have to heavily rely on DH to help me look after myself too.

They still stand by what they said. I am selfish and should have DN to stay because I know what she is like, and she won't like being told she can't come.

I've also found out one of DH closest friends are frustrated as we had to rearrange them coming to meet DS as I had to go back to hospital to get my hematoma checked out.

Am I seriously being selfish? I hate to think I'm upsetting people but I'm really struggling here and just feel like I need time to get to grips with things

Fucking HELL!

I have never read the like. What a bunch of absolute arseholes.

I'm currently texting DB, he says SIL is angry that I've upset DN and she'd like me to be more considerate of her feelings in future

I’d be replying

*DB, I’m seriously fucked up in pain right now from giving birth 10 fucking days ago and I can’t even walk without crutches. I’m sleep deprived and keeping a tiny baby alive with my boobs. I love DN, you know I do, but I am fucking RAGING at both SIL for suggesting I’m being selfish, at you for passing that message on to me, and at DH for agreeing in the first place. None of you have thought about me. Happy to wait for an apology once you’ve all had a good long think about who’s being selfish here. In the meantime I’ll be trying to get some rest.”

What utter wankers.

I cannot BELIEVE your DH thinks you should apologise.

I am speechlessness at this ! Oh my days! You really need to have a serious conversation with your OH and he needs to have a serious conversation with rest of family.
You must be feeling very anxious, as well as physically in in pain. I cannot believe I’ve read this post!

You’re not being selfish. I feel angry on your behalf.

Holy fuck, I am INCANDESCENT reading this! Is your sil on drugs?? And your dh? Wtaf? I wonder, actually, if she’s in fact frightened of her own daughter and scared to tell her no? It’s just so mad that she and your brother are telling you this. Your dn is 5, ffs, she needs to learn the word no. There’s no way you should be having overnight visitors, especially not ones that will do the velcro thing and not leave you alone. You shouldn’t be looking after anyone bar your baby right now. This is so messed up!

"Hi Bro. I can't believe you think I'm the one being selfish. I have just had major surgery. I've got an open wound that has become infected and needs antibiotics and I can't walk without crutches. On top of that I have not been able to get any rest to allow me to recover from said surgery because my baby is cluster feeding. I'm in significant amounts of pain and utterly exhausted. Why are you not round here offering to help ME for a change given every I have done for you and your family?"

Send that. Then tell your DH that it's time to put his big boy pants on and stick up for the woman who just had his baby cut out of her.

Then turn your phone off, take baby into the bedroom and refuse to leave there until you feel better

Definitely don’t apologise to your SIL. You shouldn’t apologies for being unwell and in constant pain whilst looking after a newborn!

Could you go and stay with your parents for a few days and leave ‘D’ H to think about his priorities for a few days.

Are you in contact with the midwife and HV. Can you tell them what DH said and that you are being bullied by his family when really you should be recovering

Wow tell them all to sod off. Your baby isn't a doll for DN to play with ffs! 10 days post CS I was back in hospital again! I had CF relatives trying to stay at my house and I put my foot down.
I'd tell SIL "I'm glad your birth was obviously so easy and straightforward that you were able to babysit other people's SN kids 10 days post birth. As I'm sure you're aware, mine didn't go like that. My focus is on my own baby. I suggest you focus on yours instead of on criticizing me."

Although, if this keeps up I'd be inclined to scale back contact, and teach your DH to start saying no to people with no explanation or apology. You and DH should both be focused on your new arrival right now and I feel like what he said his friends apparently said to you was gaslighty and a bit manipulative, like he wanted you to go out to stuff.

Ask DH what he thinks you need to apologise for exactly

**Well you know what, I'd like my family to be considerate of my fucking feelings too, the woman who gave birth 10 days ago, the one who said she was struggling, the one in pain, but clearly they don't give a flying fuck about me so you know what? Message received loud and clear. Know now in advance when the messiah child asks for a sleepover that the answer is no and tell your wife she can go fuck herself. Shower of selfish, entitled, using cunts the pair of yr

This, definitely say this

My reply to SIL and DB would be:

How dare you call me selfish for not wanting to be responsible for a 5 year old with ASD when I am 10 days post birth and suffering horrendous complications and still recovering from major abdominal surgery whilst struggling to look after myself and adjusting to life with a newborn baby.
I will in no way shape or form pander to your obscene request, do not blame me for your inability to say no to your child.
I AM STRUGGLING TO LOOK AFTER MYSELF and I’m gobsmacked that I am even being asked to look after your child when I am in this state.

I am vulnerable and feeling very overwhelmed right now, it is not appropriate to ask me to look after your child, I am disgusted with you for making me feel like I am doing something wrong.

I don’t want to hear from you until you’ve apologised.

Honest to god, your brother deserves some of your anger, not just SIL. What the actual duck is he thinking passing on those messages to you?

Fine, she’s pissed off at having to deal with a meltdown but anyone who loves would see you shouldn’t be the one being vilified here.

Your SIL should be angry with your DH. They agreed on your behalf without even the courtesy of checking with you, even though THEY BOTH KNEW that only you could make the call on it as DN won’t have anyone else.

Give them all an absolute rollicking.

You are setting precedents now for years to come.

Don't back down. Don't apologize.

Tell your DH to grow a pair.

Are you in contact with the midwife and HV. Can you tell them what DH said and that you are being bullied by his family when really you should be recovering

This^^

The midwife and HV can rip the DH a new one.

Jesus - I wouldn't be asking you to make a cup of tea - never mind look after a child (her additional needs aren't really relevant here)

I hope you

A) say NO
B) Get the help you need to recover
C) Get a chance to enjoy your baby
D) Set aside some time in the future to talk to someone neutral about why you might even have ended up questioning your own perfectly legitimate boundaries

Congratulations on your baby

I feel like there are occasions when the Power of MN should reach out from the ether and deliver whatever message needs delivering, like one of those Howler Letters from Harry Potter. CalmdownJanet’s message would do nicely, at top volume.

I don't see you having the emotional energy right now to be as forceful as you could/should be about saying no to this. If you don't have a mother/friend/aunt to bat for you could you talk to your midwife/health visitor? They'll visit more frequently if you're struggling and if you ask. My midwife told my husband that I couldn't possibly travel 400 miles for my MIL funeral in mid winter with a toddler 10 days after giving birth having had a stage 2 tear sewn up. I probably could have done it physically but emotional I couldn't face it.
It was really helpful at the time to have a professional opinion to give him that advised against it.
[I was so bad at birth that my midwives visited me every other day for a month and then the HV came twice a week for ages after that. They were a godsend.]

CF!!!! Not a chance!!

100% what Minty said. Your husband is a twat and needs to buck the fuck up. I'd go fucking mental at him and all of you so-called family right about now. 'People-pleaser', my arse, he's a lazy git with no backbone CBA'd to stand up for his wife and child.

Nip this in the bud NOW.

I'm currently texting DB, he says SIL is angry that I've upset DN and she'd like me to be more considerate of her feelings in future

text him right back that they can have a bit of fucking empathy for you from now on - they have had a baby, they know what it's like. And tell your DH he's waiting on you hand and foot from now to eternity.

Give me the phone numbers to both your SIL and your husband and I'll sort everything out for you. Seriously. They all need to STFU and give you peace and quiet. Honest to god WTH!?!

This is unbelievable! What kind of people are your brother and SIL to think it would be a good idea for you to look after their daughter?? This would be crazy for any woman to take on so soon after giving birth but utterly delusional with what your going through - how dare they call you selfish...and your DH’s friends are utter fuckers as well!! NB: look after yourself x

Your twat of a husband needs to apologise for accepting not just on your behalf, but at all!

You both have a 10 day old baby.

Wtf does he want someone elses child there-even if he would have been looking after her that's not good enough.

He needs to be looking after you & helping care for the baby.

If there was ever a time you could legitimately lose it with your DH and your DB; it’s now.

I would tell your DH that he has been utterly ridiculous and inconsiderate. You will not be apologising as you are the one owed an apology.

However, have you been struggling on, coping and managing instead of asking for help. Take this as a sign that you need to put yourself first. Fuck coping - insist on help and let people look after you for a bit. Let people see how tough it is for you right now.

Most outrageous thing I've read on here. Selfish , entitled cheeky fuckers. Do not apologise. Stand your ground as I think this won't be the last batshit idea they have. Fuckwits the lot of them.

I'm currently texting DB, he says SIL is angry that I've upset DN and she'd like me to be more considerate of her feelings in future

It's not you who's upset your niece, it's them, because they put the idea into her head that she could stay with you. That's all on them.