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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I'm not the selfish one here

300 replies

highlowchicalow · 25/10/2019 19:40

I gave birth to my DS 10 days ago. It was a very traumatic birth. I was in labour for 18 hours after a failed induction which resulted in my waters being broken and then ended in an emergency csection after a failed forceps delivery.

I've suffered with femoral nerve palsy which means I cannot walk without crutches and also am on antibiotics for a haemotoma which partially opened up my wound. On top of all this I'm breastfeeding my baby and he is feeding almost consistently so I'm very overwhelmed right now.

I'm finding it very stressful and am in a lot of pain and discomfort.

My brother's DD is autistic and therefore they don't like to say no to her a lot and always try to give her what she wants to avoid meltdowns.

Her mom (SIL) has asked if my DN can stay over as she is obsessed with DS. DH said yes without even asking me and now I've had to tell him to say no.

SIL and DB have become really angry at me and told me I'm being selfish. I broke down and told them I'm really struggling and think it's unfair they want me (DN will stick to me like glue, won't let DH look after her) to look after another child when I can't even look after my own properly due to my injuries and have to heavily rely on DH to help me look after myself too.

They still stand by what they said. I am selfish and should have DN to stay because I know what she is like, and she won't like being told she can't come.

I've also found out one of DH closest friends are frustrated as we had to rearrange them coming to meet DS as I had to go back to hospital to get my hematoma checked out.

Am I seriously being selfish? I hate to think I'm upsetting people but I'm really struggling here and just feel like I need time to get to grips with things Sad

OP posts:
7salmonswimming · 25/10/2019 20:29

I had to go back and re-read whether you are 10 days or 10 weeks PP.

Even if you’d had the easiest, quickest, most painless delivery imaginable there’s no way you could have a kid to stay overnight with a 10 day old baby that you’re breast feeding..... and you can’t walk without crutches! Your DH is probably adapting to becoming a new dad. He’d better learn to adapt faster because this is a whole new level of preposterous.

My gob is smacked! I’m completely ShockShockShock at the cheek of these people!

Whuut · 25/10/2019 20:29

Are they for real? I didn't want people visiting for longer than a couple of hours, let alone look after someone else's child! They're crazy.

Don't feel bad, tell your DH to sort it out and tell them no, enjoy your new baby and look after yourself.

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/10/2019 20:31

Bloody hell lass, I wish I could tuck you into bed and make you a cup of tea.

You are not being selfish, you are looking after yourself when you should be being looked after.

Quartz2208 · 25/10/2019 20:33

You are not being selfish but actually it doesnt matter if you were. Your responsibilities are for you and your baby not your DN.

as an aside not saying no to your DN is not a good parenting strategy at all. They need to implement better ones than simply letting her get her own way.

Original poster
highlowchicalow · 25/10/2019 20:34

Thanks everyone. It's good to know I'm not being selfish! I just hate the thought of upsetting others but I really need to prioritise myself and DS right now.

I've had words with DH about signing me up to things without speaking to me beforehand. I don't think he fully appreciates how much I'm struggling right now Angry

I'm currently texting DB, he says SIL is angry that I've upset DN and she'd like me to be more considerate of her feelings in future Confused

OP posts:
Scautish · 25/10/2019 20:35

I’m autistic. You are 100% not unreasonable.

If they refuse to ever say no to her, they really are not helping her at all.

I hope you recover quickly and enjoy your newborn.

KickAssAngel · 25/10/2019 20:36

Do you have a sibling or parent who can come and help you? Failing that talk to your health visitor or midwife. Your husband needs telling in no uncertain terms that he 100 per cent needs to be caring for you and your baby. He should be in full on protective mode for the two of you.

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 25/10/2019 20:38

Honestly OP I'd just send one more message saying you won't discuss it anymore, it's not happening. DO NOT apologise.

As for your DH (just to give him the benefit of the doubt) please be completely honest about how you are physically and mentally. Do not try and shield him from it or put a brave face on.

Sending get well wishes

Bluerussian · 25/10/2019 20:38

You're not unreasonable, your husband was, initially, and your in laws haven't been very understanding but they will come round.

Congratulations on the birth of your son.
Flowers

meow1989 · 25/10/2019 20:39

I'm astounded at so many people in your scenario: your brother, his wife and your husband, what on earth were any of them thinking?!

You poor thing. Even if youd had a straight forward birth and were formula feeding it would still be a ridiculous request at 10 days post partum!

monkeymonkey2010 · 25/10/2019 20:39

They still stand by what they said. I am selfish and should have DN to stay because I know what she is like, and she won't like being told she can't come

Tough shit - their inept parenting isn't your problem to deal with.
I would have gone apeshit at them and put them in their place - "I have my own child and health to put first and that's exactly what i'm prioritising......fuck off and learn to parent your child appropriately instead of passing the buck onto me".

I bet they start using your baby as an excuse to offload their DD onto you just so they can have childfree time....and give your husband some home truths about himself and his family - they all seem to be stuck up their own arses with zero consideration for YOUR NEEDS.

I would actually refuse to ever have their Dd 'stay' unless her parents are there too....or your husband steps up and builds the same bond/relationship with her instead of leaving it to you.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/10/2019 20:40

Does your H have form for expecting you to accommodate everyone else, regardless of your own needs/preferences? If so, he needs a sharp talking to.
As to your brother and SIL, they are doing their daughter no favours at all by letting her have her own way all the time. One of the things you have to work at with some ASD kids is teaching them that other people matter and have rights and feelings too, and that they need to consider other people or at least ask other people if they can come and visit/borrow stuff/eat stuff/touch stuff.

Doilooklikeatourist · 25/10/2019 20:40

I think you need to text SIL and tell her that you’re expecting her to be more considerate of your feelings in future and that she needs to be think about her behaviour
And then go to bed with your beautiful baby and rest up and snuggle for a good few days

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 25/10/2019 20:40

This is so awful. They are being awful. You are not selfish, you aren’t trying to survive and take care of what’s important, your health and your new baby. Stay strong, you are 110% in the right here

monkeymonkey2010 · 25/10/2019 20:41

Oh....and by the way - it's absolutely acceptable for you to put yourself first and be 'selfish' right now, both as a new mum and due to your health.

Pringlesfortea · 25/10/2019 20:42

I’ve 2 with asd
Utterly rediculous parenting,,can’t say no ,wtf
Op put yourself first
Clearly no one else will.

feelingsicknow · 25/10/2019 20:42

OMFG. YANBU.

ivykaty44 · 25/10/2019 20:42

Tell them to get real, if they think you should be having your nieces for sleep over 10 days after birth or that she shouldn’t hear no, give them self’s a poke in the eye

EL8888 · 25/10/2019 20:42

You are being totally reasonable, no one else is though! I feel sorry for you being put under this pressure. It’s very unreasonable. Your SIL, brother and niece need to hear the word no more often

Interestedwoman · 25/10/2019 20:44

'They still stand by what they said. I am selfish and should have DN to stay because I know what she is like, and she won't like being told she can't come.'

I'm not an expert on autism, though I do have autistic traits. It strikes me that complete indulgence isn't going to help any child. For myself as someone with some ASD traits, I wish my parents had made it more clear to me verbally what I should and shouldn't do socially for instance. They probably let me do my own thing mostly in terms of how I acted socially, and that wasn't good as I was clueless, couldn't learn by osmosis like others, and needed social skills spelled out.

'I've also found out one of DH closest friends are frustrated as we had to rearrange them coming to meet DS as I had to go back to hospital to get my hematoma checked out.'

I'm sure they understand- they wouldn't blame you.

Wishing you a swift recovery and more relaxing times ahead. xxxxx

Sunshineonleith12 · 25/10/2019 20:46

I'm gobsmacked! I thought you were going to say they wanted to visit not have your niece to stay overnight!! What planet are they on? Especially when you pointed out that you're struggling. Awful behaviour. You are doing so well especially under the circumstances - breastfeeding after a normal delivery is tough enough. Try to take care of yourself, you need to put yourself first for the foreseeable! Make your OH read this thread!

CallmeAngelina · 25/10/2019 20:47

WTF have I just read????? Angry Angry Angry

Give me their number! I'll tell 'em!

Gluetap · 25/10/2019 20:47

If you’d had a straightforward birth you’d be quite within your rights to say no. However you’ve had a really tough time and need time to heal and get used to your new baby. I can’t believe they’ve even asked and that you’re getting a hard time for saying no. Your DH needs to step up here and look after you. Recovery from a c-section takes time (I know as I’ve had two). 💐

Actionhasmagic · 25/10/2019 20:47

Ermmmm whaaaat is this behaviour they should be bending over to help you

LoveGrowsWhere · 25/10/2019 20:48

Tell your DH you don't understand why you and new baby (congratulations!) are not his first & only priority.
Tell your DB to take a running jump.

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