To think I'm not the selfish one here

[highlowchicalow]

I gave birth to my DS 10 days ago. It was a very traumatic birth. I was in labour for 18 hours after a failed induction which resulted in my waters being broken and then ended in an emergency csection after a failed forceps delivery.

I've suffered with femoral nerve palsy which means I cannot walk without crutches and also am on antibiotics for a haemotoma which partially opened up my wound. On top of all this I'm breastfeeding my baby and he is feeding almost consistently so I'm very overwhelmed right now.

I'm finding it very stressful and am in a lot of pain and discomfort.

My brother's DD is autistic and therefore they don't like to say no to her a lot and always try to give her what she wants to avoid meltdowns.

Her mom (SIL) has asked if my DN can stay over as she is obsessed with DS. DH said yes without even asking me and now I've had to tell him to say no.

SIL and DB have become really angry at me and told me I'm being selfish. I broke down and told them I'm really struggling and think it's unfair they want me (DN will stick to me like glue, won't let DH look after her) to look after another child when I can't even look after my own properly due to my injuries and have to heavily rely on DH to help me look after myself too.

They still stand by what they said. I am selfish and should have DN to stay because I know what she is like, and she won't like being told she can't come.

I've also found out one of DH closest friends are frustrated as we had to rearrange them coming to meet DS as I had to go back to hospital to get my hematoma checked out.

Am I seriously being selfish? I hate to think I'm upsetting people but I'm really struggling here and just feel like I need time to get to grips with things

You Are Not Selfish!

In normal circumstances, with a non-autistic niece, and without all your complications, it would be unreasonable to expect you to look after your niece with a ten day old. However, with all the added complications, it’s even more unthinkable.

Put yourself and your baby first.

Congratulations, by the way.

And ffs don't you DARE be apologising to them! They're behaving ATROCIOUSLY, and you must stick to your guns (or get your dh to advocate on your behalf, which he should be fucking well doing anyway) and fight fire with fire. THEY need to more considerate of YOUR feelings in future!
This has REALLY riled me tonight. What is the MATTER with people?

Thanks again, especially to everyone telling me I'm doing a good job. It's nice to hear as I haven't actually been told it by anyone else!

DH certainly does have form for putting everyone else's feelings before my own. Definitely a people pleaser.

In fact, he's told me to just apologise to SIL just so we can move on and forget about it

Fucking hell what a cunt your SIL is. Several approaches:

1. If you don't mind visitors, tell SIL that DN is welcome to stay with you but only if SIL also stays, cooks dinner for everyone and helps you out with DN and ALSO in general.

2. Alternatively if you want privacy, tell them absolutely no, you can't cope it it is a no go.

3. You should probably hit back at her after she has attacked you. Otherwise she'll continue to think she can behave like this. I'd say, "I cannot believe how selfish you are, trying to add to my workload when I am absolutely at my lowest, struggling with my c section wound, haematoma and new baby only 10 days after a traumatic birth. I expect you to apologise now for being so inconsiderate and selfish." I can appreciate that is out of character for you, but you will learn over the years that you need to stop these cheeky fuckers in their tracks or they will eat you alive. I used to be a nice person and always pleased people. 14 years into parenting, I will not tolerate bullshit from selfish cheeky bastards and I do not care what people think of me. Seriously...don't be like me...learn the easy way, not the hard way!

DH's friends being pissed you had to go to hospital - cut them off. Lessen contact over time. Cunts. I have not idea what is the matter with people.

Oh I am ripping! Text him back and say:

"Well you know what, I'd like my family to be considerate of my fucking feelings too, the woman who gave birth 10 days ago, the one who said she was struggling, the one in pain, but clearly they don't give a flying fuck about me so you know what? Message received loud and clear. Know now in advance when the messiah child asks for a sleepover that the answer is no and tell your wife she can go fuck herself. Shower of selfish, entitled, using cunts the pair of ye"

I need to listen to my own username 😂 These fuckers have me irrationally angry

I'm really angry on your behalf reading that and I'm a chronic people pleaser. How dare they have a go at you because they won't parent their child. Unfortunately with those relatives in your life you're going to have to learn to say FOTTFSOF, even if it's under your breathe to yourself, as I'm sure they will continue to put you under pressure, whenever your DN wants to come round. Your priority is your daughter and your health. Congrats btw

How old is your dn by the way?
(Not that it should alter your stance in any way).
You really need to find your rage on this too. Text him back, asking him if he has ANY IDEA of the absolute nightmare you've been going through? And whether he has or not, your answer remains the same, you are NOT babysitting his daughter at the moment so he can fuck right off.

I’d tell your husband to get fucked. Apologise for a huge error on accepting when his wife has just had a child?! He’s on another planet. They all are. What supremely selfish fuckwits!

DS has autism, he understands no, if he pushes it, tough shit, the answer is still no. Just because he has autism doesn’t mean he gets a free pass. Obviously we make adjustments to make his life easier if we can. Your DB and SIL are dicks and are not doing their child a favour!

Apologise to her

In fact, he's told me to just apologise to SIL just so we can move on and forget about it

WHAAAAAT?????!!!!!!!!

Jesus Christ. What a pack of arseholes you are surrounded by.
Please reach out to a friend or SOMEONE in your life who can provide you support and put you first.
And your ‘D’ H is a cunt of the highest order. How dare he treat you like this. Given he’s no use at all if I were you I would have told him he could go and stay with your brother given he’s so concerned about their feelings.

Hi OP

Even with a relatively straightforward second birth I couldn't even look after my own eldest daughter 10 days after the birth, my mum and husband had to as I was just so overwhelmed with everything. No way would I have been able to look after someone elses child with additional needs and i cant believe they expected you to.

Your sister in law is a twat, what kind of person calls a new mum selfish for not doing her (SiL) a massive favour to cover up their own inability to parent. I can see where her daughter gets her inability to hear no from.

And also wtf was your husband thinking. He sounds clueless. I hope you can find a way to get through to him just how hard you're finding things

My jaw is on the floor reading your OP. I just cannot fathom how anyone can be so selfish as to impose on you at this time. DB and SIL need a good talking to, what utter arses.

Have you asked them why they think it’s appropriate for you to look after someone else’s autistic child whilst recovering from surgery and caring for a newborn?! Absolutely disgraceful.

Tell your 'D'H that he needs to wise up and fast.

If anyone should apologise, it's him to you, for agreeing something that will impact you.

You have had a traumatic delivery. At the moment his number one priority needs to be you and the baby - everything else can bugger off.

Ten days post birth with a serious injury, they want your autistic niece to stay over ostensibly to be babysat by you - and you’re the selfish one?!

My gob is well and truly smacked. Tell them you won’t be made to feel guilty about wanting to prioritise your own health and your own baby, and then block them so you don’t have to read any of their completely unfair texts. Also tell your DH to stop being such a spineless twat and to back up his wife who has just had a baby.

God I’m so angry on your behalf. Send me their number and let me text them

Congratulations on your new baby

Where is your apology? Tell him to fucking apologise to her for being a prick and saying yes in the first place!!

I never say this but show the useless fucker this thread

I'm sorry you're going through this. You need to put yourself first as you are not being unreasonable [hugs]

Just read your update and your husband can FOTTFSOF also.

Give me their number! I'll tell 'em!

THIS!

I was seriously impressed when my (NT, very meek and well-behaved) DD was invited to stay over at SIL’s when her youngest was around 6 months old. Couldn’t believe they could manage it.

Your scenario is just an insane expectation. Ridiculous.

You have done nothing that needs apologising for.

I would be very close to taking to your bed for a couple of days and letting your DH wait on you hand and foot. C-section plus is major surgery. Still got the surgical socks?

To be honest op I wouldn’t give a fuck if anyone thought I was being selfish (which you aren’t) but if you can’t make yourself and your baby 16 days after birth a priority then it’s a sad day.
Take care op

Mind you, I can see why your brother thinks it's OK to behave so appallingly towards you, if your dh thinks that apologising to SIL is the way forward. There's clearly a pattern here. They didn't develop this entitled behaviour overnight.

In fact, he's told me to just apologise to SIL just so we can move on and forget about it

No No No.

You have about 5 people I can think of at the moment (DH, family & friends) that need to apologise to YOU.

That still doesnt mean they can all pile in, just because they said sorry.

I wish I had found the confidence A LOT earlier when my DC were born.

1 person told me I was doing well ( a lovely elderly lady) everyone else told me what I should & shouldnt be doing - for them.

Im fine now & dont put up with any crap.

Congratulations

Autistic or not she needs to learn the word NO, and she can have as many melt downs as she pleases, it won't alter the fact her parents are pandering to her every want and that is not ow real life works,

Better yet send your not so DH over to spend the day with DN, you get your mum or a good friend to pop in with goodies,order in lunch, run you a bath, mind bubs while you soak away your soreness and have a catch up nap, and do a bit of cleaning for you, even if DH has to pay for a cleaner, by jesus that man would learn his lesson the hard way let me tell you.

Message SIL, stating exactly what you have here and stating that you wish she and your brother would be more considerate of the fact your body feels like it has been dragged over a cement road backwards.

You are 10 days post section, and still recovering from complications and while you understand DN will NOT understand this, as her parents the obligation is on them to teach her understanding and they should be considerate of your feelings in future.

As for his friends, fuck them off, selfish bastards.