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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A womans assurance that she is using contraception.

322 replies

perkypink · 25/10/2019 19:23

I'm not too sure how to title this.

A man and a woman enter into an adult consensual sexual relationship. The woman assures the man that she is using contraception (whether or not this is being used correctly is a different matter) and is happy to have sex without a condom (whether this is explicitly expressed or not). It is assumed when they have consensual sex and a condom is not used. A woman falls pregnant.

I don't understand why when the woman falls pregnant and the man wants to absolve his parental responsibility does the calls of 'was he using a condom' start. No - he wasn't using a condom because there was an assurance that contraception was being used and you were happy without using a condom.

When you are having that initial conversation about contraception and a woman assures a man she is using contraception and is happy without using a condom I feel the shouts blame on the man after when he doesn't want to be a father is sometimes unfair when he has acted on the word of the woman.

I am really interested to hear other peoples thoughts on the matter. Should there be better sex ed and should boys be told never to trust anybodys word on whether they are using contraception?

OP posts:
RubbingHimSourly · 25/10/2019 20:30

I fell out with a friend a few years ago when she confided in me about her plan to not take her pill because she wanted a fourth child and her husband didn't........I think women accidentally on purpose fall pregnant a lot more than the sane majority would think. We really do hold the cards in this case, especially in a long term relationship where neither party wants to use condoms. Im pretty normal as in I've taken charge of contraception because neither of us like using condoms, if I stopped tomorrow my dp wouldn't have a clue

Islandermum · 25/10/2019 20:33

Ok. It's the same as if a man tells you he is wearing a condom and he isn't. This is rape. He did not consent to sex without contraception, just sex without a condom. The child is not his responsibility as he was unaware she was not on contraception.
If they had sex without a condom and she was on birth control and still got pregnant, the baby is his responsibility. If he wore a condom and she was on birth control, the baby is his responsibility.
He did not consent to having sex without contraception and it is very likely (98%?) That the baby would not have been conceived if she was actually using birth control.

Accidents happen and both man and woman have to face up to them but nobody assumes that a woman should have to be involved in the life of a child conceived by sexual assualt/rape. Why should it be different for men?

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 25/10/2019 20:33

So, to be clear.

  1. Man doesn't like using condoms
  2. Man was delighted to think that he could offload responsibility for contraception onto female sexual partner
  3. Man is now angry that that didn't work out too well

My response would be as follows

  1. If man wanted to be absolutely sure that sex would not rather predictably result in babies then man should have taken responsibility for ensuring that didn't happen himself
VenusTiger · 25/10/2019 20:35

STIs should feature in your OP

Sagradafamiliar · 25/10/2019 20:35

It's not the same, Islander. It's the woman who has to physically carry the pregnancy. It can be risky. It isn't ok to impregnate a woman against her will.

FunOnTheBeach20 · 25/10/2019 20:35

@WhatsInAName19

If we are going to talk about "entrapment" of men in these circumstances, can we also talk about the countless women who find themselves pregnant or with babies that were very much planned as part of a committed relationship or marriage only for the father to fuck off in a puff of smoke?

Who said the above is ok? Why are they mutually exclusive?

AngelsSins · 25/10/2019 20:36

We’re all responsible for our own contraception. If a man lies and says he’s infertile so the woman doesn’t use contraception, should she be able to sue him if she gets pregnant? Or would you say she should have used contraception and not make such a big choice based on a strangers say so?

BIWitch · 25/10/2019 20:37

Nope @perkypink there was no AIBU question in your OP. I want to know what you think you're being reasonable or unreasonable about.

(I can assume, based on what's been posted so far, but I'd like you to spell it out for me - you know what they say about assumptions ...)

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 25/10/2019 20:39

I agree with you to some extent, I've been with DH for over ten years, I tell him I'm on contraception he should be able to trust me, we both know there is a very very small chance it will fail and we would deal with that if it happened, however most pill failures are from not taking it correctly. You've been seeing someone six months, no way, that kind of trust takes a long time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2019 20:39

OK @FunOnTheBeach20 since the NY Times isn't good enough, what about published scientific papers? Have a google, I'm right.

BigFatLiar · 25/10/2019 20:39

The only way for a man to ensure he doesn't become responsible for an unwanted child is to abstain from sex until in a long term committed relationship where children are accepted as a possibility.

Indeed its the same for a woman really. Don't want to risk pregnancy, don't have sex.

Hey1256 · 25/10/2019 20:41

I agree OP. It's unrealistic and unfair to expect a man to use a condom for his whole life unless trying for children.

But if I was a man (which I'm not) I would because I would be too worried about it.

PennysPocket · 25/10/2019 20:41

I know I will be repeating others but... My contraception is My responsibility as an independent ADULT I look after myself.
If a man is to childish to be responsible for himself then that's his fault.

Sagradafamiliar · 25/10/2019 20:42

The OP was hoping the thread would go the other way. And sure enough a couple of posters have popped up to imply that if pregnancy occurs due to a man not covering his own dick, then it somehow equates to them having been raped.

JacquesHammer · 25/10/2019 20:42

It’s just basic biology. A man has one chance if he doesn’t want a child, before he has PIV sex. A woman has more than one.

MarmiteOrGoHome · 25/10/2019 20:46

I agree OP. It's unrealistic and unfair to expect a man to use a condom for his whole life unless trying for children

What's your reasoning?

SonEtLumiere · 25/10/2019 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PencilsInSpace · 25/10/2019 20:48

Since I was a child (I'm in my 50's) there have been occasional news stories about how the male pill is just around the corner. Supposing it was ever brought to market, can anyone honestly imagine women trusting men who say 'it's OK, we don't need a condom, I'm on the pill'?

I had a short term thing once with a man who assured me he'd had a vasectomy so we wouldn't need a condom. I didn't disbelieve him exactly but I did insist on a condom anyway because it was very important to me not to get pregnant and I also didn't want to risk an STI.

Men are complacent about contraception because the impact on them of either an unplanned child or an abortion is minor compared to the impact on women. If they don't want to be involved their lives won't be turned upside down. They can walk away. They don't face the physical and mental health risks of pregnancy, childbirth or termination. Their career won't take a nosedive. So they just expect women to have it in hand. Worst case scenario is that they might have to pay a paltry amount of child maintenance that bears no relation to the actual cost of raising the whole new human being they have so carelessly created.

Mind you, the sort of men who whinge about 'entrapment' are the same sort who frequent MRA sites full of advice on how to financially screw over their own children so even that's not much of a risk really.

OooErMissus · 25/10/2019 20:51

Women are very strongly raised (not the right word) to use contraception as soon as they become sexually active.

It is drilled into us, and to be honest, we don't need all that much encouragement, because the absolute fear of getting pregnant means we want to use it.

Men need to use the same mentality.

If you don't want to become a parent, then you take control of your own fertility, and you use contraception.

You.

You do not rely on anyone else. You wouldn't, in a million years, expect a women to blithely take a man's word for it, and then be all shocked when she fell pregnant. So why on earth should we hold men to such pathetically low standards?

You take care of you. It's pretty basic level adulting, to be honest. 🤷🏻‍♀️

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2019 20:52

It's unrealistic and unfair to expect a man to use a condom for his whole life unless trying for children.

But it is realistic and fair for women to have to take hormones that fuck with their bodies and increase their chance of DEATH so men don't have to Hmm

RufusthebewiIderedreindeer · 25/10/2019 20:54

I agree OP. It's unrealistic and unfair to expect a man to use a condom for his whole life unless trying for children

Why?

And what MrsTP said

Praiseyou · 25/10/2019 20:54

It's the same as if a man tells you he is wearing a condom and he isn't. This is rape. He did not consent to sex without contraception, just sex without a condom. The child is not his responsibility as he was unaware she was not on contraception

  1. A woman cannot rape a man.
  2. If the child is his, he is responsible for him/her.
category12 · 25/10/2019 20:54

What's unfair about using condoms? It's not a bloke's right to go bareback.

BigFatLiar · 25/10/2019 20:54

Funnily enough it always happens to women who were planning on another child but the father wasn't keen.

If he doesn't want further children he can get the snip. Doesn't guarantee no more children but it will give him cause to question his partner.

rwalker · 25/10/2019 20:54

Think I get where you are coming from.
If a man uses a condom delibertly puts a hole in it, I don't think there would be many people shouting it's her fault for not being on the pill.
But there is also the argument NO contraceptive is 100%