Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A womans assurance that she is using contraception.

322 replies

perkypink · 25/10/2019 19:23

I'm not too sure how to title this.

A man and a woman enter into an adult consensual sexual relationship. The woman assures the man that she is using contraception (whether or not this is being used correctly is a different matter) and is happy to have sex without a condom (whether this is explicitly expressed or not). It is assumed when they have consensual sex and a condom is not used. A woman falls pregnant.

I don't understand why when the woman falls pregnant and the man wants to absolve his parental responsibility does the calls of 'was he using a condom' start. No - he wasn't using a condom because there was an assurance that contraception was being used and you were happy without using a condom.

When you are having that initial conversation about contraception and a woman assures a man she is using contraception and is happy without using a condom I feel the shouts blame on the man after when he doesn't want to be a father is sometimes unfair when he has acted on the word of the woman.

I am really interested to hear other peoples thoughts on the matter. Should there be better sex ed and should boys be told never to trust anybodys word on whether they are using contraception?

OP posts:
WhatsInAName19 · 25/10/2019 20:55

@FunOnTheBeach20 I am making the point that almost nobody ever talks about that. I certainly have never, ever heard anyone suggest legislating against men who do it (something that I've heard countless times should be done to prevent women from "trapping" men). And yet some idiot is on here every other week worrying about poor blokes with their lack of choice and all their vulnerability to "entrapment", when actually they have all the choice in the world. They just have to not ejaculate inside a vagina. That's it.

Also please, please go and do some research on probability because you don't understand it. Listen to @MrsTerryPratchett. The coin toss example is perfect. Do you seriously think that if someone tosses a coin 1,000,000 times that there is a 50% chance it will NEVER land on heads???

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 25/10/2019 20:55

It's unrealistic and unfair to expect a man to use a condom for his whole life unless trying for children.

So who should prevent the man becoming a father then? Confused if not the man himself?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 25/10/2019 20:56

There needs to be other contraceptive options for men. They get one option that isn't sterilisation, women have multiple.

Some men, and some women, hate the feel of condoms. If a woman dislikes one of her options she has others she can try, a man doesn't.

Original poster
perkypink · 25/10/2019 20:56

@sagradafamiliar I didnt want the thread to go anyway. I expressed an opinion and I wanted to see what other people thought. A lot of other posters do not use it as intended but, here I have. If you also scroll back a few pages you will see that I have said that my opinion has changed based on what others have said and how they have explained themselves. I also researched a case in Canada and saw what the courts thought about circumstances like this.
I was genuinely curious and I think it's a great place to gather other opinions and reasonings.

OP posts:
beautifulstranger101 · 25/10/2019 20:56

No. Absolutely no. Any grown up man who enters into a consentual sexual relationship KNOWS damn well there is a chance of pregnancy. The pill doesn't even work if you have diarrhoea/vomitting so every man needs to take his OWN precautions by wrapping it up if pregnancy is off limits. End of.If everyone took responsibility for their own sexual health we'd be much healthier as a nation. Would I take the word of some random guy that they didn't have an STD? of course not. I'd insist on using protection- its the exact same principle. I'm sick and tired of men trying to escape their responsibilities by blaming the woman. No pill is 100% effective so if you 100% dont want kids- then get the snip FFS.

AhhhHereItGoes · 25/10/2019 20:57

It's never a good idea to trust 100% what someone else says, if a likely scenario means it could negatively impact your life.

It would be nice in an ideal world to trust your partner and know they only have the best of intentions but life isn't like that. People make mistakes, things are forgotten etc - so the only way you can be sure of your own health and well being is to take that into your own hands.

ThreeLittleDots · 25/10/2019 20:59

A woman cannot rape a man

Side-point, but that's not true.

ShowYourselfLucifer · 25/10/2019 20:59

My best friend went on 2 dates with a woman before sleeping with her on the 3rd.

She told him she was on the pill and that she took it because she was allergic to latex, therefore meaning he couldn't use the condoms he'd bought if they were to sleep together.

She told him that she couldn't have kids due to her age.

She got pregnant. She was not on the pill and, as time went on, it also became apparent she was not allergic to latex.

She kept the baby and they're now co-parenting a child, whilst becoming very aware of the fact that they're not even slightly compatible.
They're both in their 40s and are now tied together for at least the next 18 years.

I find it extremely difficult to blame him in that situation.

Original poster
perkypink · 25/10/2019 20:59

@praiseyou A woman can absolutely rape a man. There was a case where four women abducted a man and forced him to take viagra. They raped him in the back of a car. I will try and find a newspaper report on it.

OP posts:
PennysPocket · 25/10/2019 20:59

Women are very strongly raised (not the right word) to use contraception as soon as they become sexually active.

It is drilled into us, and to be honest,

Oh yes.

Girls as young as 12 are told by their parents if you get pregnant we will kick you out.... Yet no boys are told if you get a girl pregnant we will kick you out.

I fell pregnant at 16. I was too scared to tell my parents as they routinely told me I would be out the house.
They did find out and were very supportive which surprised me.
My brother became a father at 18 with his 18 yo girlfriend... He was never threatened with homelessness Hmm

Cleverplayonwords · 25/10/2019 20:59

@ThreeLittleDots erm it is true. Rape is penetration by a penis. Women don't have penis'

BigFatLiar · 25/10/2019 21:00

Would I take the word of some random guy that they didn't have an STD? of course not. I'd insist on using protection

Safer way of ensuring sexual health and no pregnancy would be not to have sex with 'some random guy'.

CuntForThisOne · 25/10/2019 21:01

Um... OP.

If you want to be as near as 100 percent sure that a woman will not become pregnant, you need to use condoms, even if she says she's on the Pill (or whatever). Even then, it's not impossible (the Pill might fail; she might be lying).

Basically, sex can = babies. Unless you are both absolutely rock solid about contraception. And even then, it's not foolproof!

PennysPocket · 25/10/2019 21:01

perky I very much doubt that was in the UK.

Cleverplayonwords · 25/10/2019 21:01
  • non consensual penetration obviously
wellaloevera · 25/10/2019 21:01

The difference is with the multiple choices of contraception that women have is that the vast majority can have huge effects on a woman's body. Condoms don't affect men at all. I was lucky to find a pill that suited me but had to try several first that gave me hideous side effects. Confused

ThreeLittleDots · 25/10/2019 21:02

I find it extremely difficult to blame him in that situation

He could have gone out and bought latex-free condoms though. It was still his choice to not look after his pwn protection.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 25/10/2019 21:02

I still don’t believe that you can just multiply statistics in that manner.

WTF?

PennysPocket · 25/10/2019 21:02

Show
He trusted a women he went on 3 dates with?

Fucking idiot.

beautifulstranger101 · 25/10/2019 21:02

And as for the idea that the "poor mens" might have to use condoms for their entire life and oh poor them! well fck that. Women have to deal with the horrific side effects of BCP (which in some cases, can increase cancer risk). I personally tried BCP and it made me almost suicidal so forgive me if I dont cry a river of tears for a man who has to use a condom FFS. My sympathy for them compared to what women go through with periods, BCP, sterilisation and childbirth is minuscule.

Deadringer · 25/10/2019 21:03

It's unrealistic for men to use condoms for their whole lives? Is that a fucking joke? Sex makes babies, men know this. Don't want a baby? Abstain from sex. I can't believe people are equating this with rape. Unlike women who are raped, no one is forcing these men to have sex. Ridiculous.

thetardis · 25/10/2019 21:04

@perkypink you are a hairy handed trucker and i claim my £5

LannisterLion1 · 25/10/2019 21:04

They should rubber up if they don't want a child.

Ill be teaching my dc to always rubber up alongside other contraception so the boys can take ownership (barring accidents) of their own fertility.

One of my dfs gf assured him after 2 months she was on the pill. He insisted on condoms too which was just as well as she was fine with a happy accident.

My dh insisted on condoms (as did i) when dating. I was pleased he was responsible too and not leaving it all to me. So many male friends played russian roulette with pregnancy and infections. It also made me less concerned about his sexual health, though we both got tested anyway.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 25/10/2019 21:04

My best friend went on 2 dates with a woman before sleeping with her on the 3rd.

She told him she was on the pill and that she took it because she was allergic to latex, therefore meaning he couldn't use the condoms he'd bought if they were to sleep together.

I can’t speak for your friend but I won’t sleep with anyone without a condom. If a man told me he was infertile and allergic to condoms after 3 days I would just decline to sleep with him. Was that not an option for your friend? Or did he really need that sex?

RueCambon · 25/10/2019 21:05

I think we all know sex can lead to conception. If a man is certain he doesnt want a baby he should double up.

Swipe left for the next trending thread