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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A womans assurance that she is using contraception.

322 replies

perkypink · 25/10/2019 19:23

I'm not too sure how to title this.

A man and a woman enter into an adult consensual sexual relationship. The woman assures the man that she is using contraception (whether or not this is being used correctly is a different matter) and is happy to have sex without a condom (whether this is explicitly expressed or not). It is assumed when they have consensual sex and a condom is not used. A woman falls pregnant.

I don't understand why when the woman falls pregnant and the man wants to absolve his parental responsibility does the calls of 'was he using a condom' start. No - he wasn't using a condom because there was an assurance that contraception was being used and you were happy without using a condom.

When you are having that initial conversation about contraception and a woman assures a man she is using contraception and is happy without using a condom I feel the shouts blame on the man after when he doesn't want to be a father is sometimes unfair when he has acted on the word of the woman.

I am really interested to hear other peoples thoughts on the matter. Should there be better sex ed and should boys be told never to trust anybodys word on whether they are using contraception?

OP posts:
buckeejit · 26/10/2019 07:37

Don't know what your aibu is but yabu for saying 'you saucy little thing

Wear a condom & don't whine. Putting the blame elsewhere when you've been negligent doesn't absolve your responsibility.

The proportion of women raping men is minuscule in comparison to men who are rapists. I'm interested to read the case you speak of

slipperywhensparticus · 26/10/2019 07:42

You do realise the pill isnt 100% condoms arnt 100% abstinence is 100% do the math

slipperywhensparticus · 26/10/2019 07:43

And women legally cannot rape a man unless you are talking about women who have penises in which case WOMEN CANNOT RAPE WOMEN DONT HAVE PENISES

swingofthings · 26/10/2019 07:44

I agree with you fully OP and I do believe that the majority of pill accidents are not so at all however, it's not all black or white.

Genuine accidents do happen, although rare, so a man will never know for absolutely certain (unless finding episode) which is which.

I also think that there seems to be a correlation between women how have accidents who happen to be very much against abortions.

What I will teach my ds when he is sexually active is the reality. That no matter how trustworthy he believes his girlfriend to be, because she's not like that, you can't trust any woman who gets broody. So either if you have sex, accept that there is always a possibility that she will get pregnant and keep the baby.

If you are dead set on not becoming a father, you have no options but to wear condoms every time, end of, even if she insists that it is not necessary.

Whattodoabout · 26/10/2019 07:45

YABU.

Any contraceptive can fail, the only 100% effective contraception is abstinence. The woman could genuinely have the implant or be taking the pill and it could still fail or even a condom could. A man has to take responsibility for his own life, he can’t rely on a woman to always do it for him. If he doesn’t want to be a parent then he should always use condoms and if he really never wants to be a Dad or is finished having children, should have the snip.

FunOnTheBeach20 · 26/10/2019 07:46

@slipperywhensparticus

No women cannot rape because rape is penetrative sex. But they can sexually assault a man against his will, which for the sake of this discussion is similar enough to group it with rape.

slipperywhensparticus · 26/10/2019 07:59

It's not similar only men can rape you dont get to smear the law about until it suits your purpose women cannot rape legally

JacquesHammer · 26/10/2019 08:11

I also highly doubt that Drs are giving false information re the use of the pill

I had a (male, naturally) GP tell me he didn’t think I needed to bother with contraception as I was infertile. When pushed that I really did want the pill, he prescribed with bad grace. 6 months later at my pill check (thankfully my surgery insist on these even thought it’s not required with the mini pill) turns out he prescribed me medication that was contraindicated with other long-term medication that I’m on.

RunsForGummyBears · 26/10/2019 08:14

Birth control is both partner's responsibility. If a man doesn't want his partner to get pregnant he needs to take precautions.

gwackywacky · 26/10/2019 08:38

Well maybe I'll get flamed for this but I actually stopped being friends with a woman for doing this. She just casually one day told me that her son was the product of her telling her partner at the time (who had categorically told her he didnt want children) that she was taking the pill when she actually had stopped it.

I think that's really fucked up tbh and I also dont really understand the "shoulda worn a condom" line. They were in a relationship for five years. I mean come on.

I think its fucked up that a woman can purposefully orchestrate a situation whereby a man becomes a father when he doesn't want to be, and a child ends up having a fairly distant father, all because the woman felt she had a right to have a child (those are the words used by this woman I'm talking about).

I'm just imagining a reverse situation where let's say I have my tubes tied so that's not a problem, and me and my long term partner are having unprotected sex on the basis that we love each other, are exclusive and have had all necessary checks. Then i find out hes given me chalmydia. I mean, I guess you could say "dont want an STD? Shoulda made him wear a condom!!!!!" but maybe also I......trusted my partner?!

SusieOwl4 · 26/10/2019 08:40

what about another angle where the contraception fails ( for what ever reason? ) the girl gets pregnant but then wants the father to have nothing to do with the child? But the father did know the risks and does want to step up to the mark?

JacquesHammer · 26/10/2019 08:41

They were in a relationship for five years. I mean come on

And I presume he didn’t want a baby for 5 years? He has one option every time they have sex to decide whether he wants an active role in preventing a pregnancy. If he doesn’t take that then it’s his choice but he leaves himself open to risk or being mislead, of contraception failure etc.

BigFatLiar · 26/10/2019 08:52

As agent Mulder would say 'trust no one'.

Don't want to run the risk of a baby - don't have sex. Male or female, married or single, the advice is the same. Find some other fun thing to do than penetrative sex.

gwackywacky · 26/10/2019 08:52

I mean, people can draw parallels for themselves, but in the event of a situation whereby it hasn't been about contraception failure, it's been about misleading: isnt there a hint of victim blaming about it? You brought it on yourself, you could have taken precautions....

JacquesHammer · 26/10/2019 08:57

gwackywacky

If any form of contraception was 100% successful then sure, that would be a reasonable comment. But it isn’t, the pill is around 99% effective with perfect use, this drops to 91% with “typical” use. This isn’t a hidden secret, so yes - if you absolutely don’t want a pregnancy you have to consider taking your own precautions. Sex = baby isn’t an outlandish surprise.

gwackywacky · 26/10/2019 08:58

@JacquesHammer Fair enough! My views on this arent rigid, I'm happy to be swayed :)

Hey1256 · 26/10/2019 09:02

*Snip. Snip. Snip.

Any man who is adamant he doesn’t want kids, or has enough kids already, who would be so angry and put out at fathering and being responsible for a child, really should know what to do. *

Oh come on. So at 18 even though a child is the last thing I want I should have the snip? Even though it's highly likely I'll want kids when I'm older. This is unrealistic and ridiculous.

Look let's be fair, choosing to have sex is a risk - a higher risk for men. Not entirely fair but hey. We take the risk after having a baby that we are usually the ones left holding the baby. Life isn't fair is it but I don't know why people can't acknowledge that a man has much less intervention and things are more unfair for males in the contraceptive argument.

Those saying don't have sex at all is just stupid.

Yes I agree men should wear condoms every time to guarantee they don't get someone pregnant but in the event of a split he is still in the same predicament in that he can't force the woman to take a morning after pill.

So a man is at a disadvantage at preconception stage, end of

Hey1256 · 26/10/2019 09:05

*I think that's really fucked up tbh and I also dont really understand the "shoulda worn a condom" line. They were in a relationship for five years. I mean come on.

I think its fucked up that a woman can purposefully orchestrate a situation whereby a man becomes a father when he doesn't want to be, and a child ends up having a fairly distant father, all because the woman felt she had a right to have a child (those are the words used by this woman I'm talking about).*

This exactly

gwackywacky · 26/10/2019 09:05

Let's agree to put it this way: a man is disadvantaged in the amount of control and choice he has before and during pregnancy. He cant fully control not getting pregnant (unless snip), and if the woman wants to keep the child, he has no say in becoming a father either.

However womens bodies and minds can be disadvantaged through the pregnancy, and they are often the ones to lose out after pregnancy.

I'd say its 50/50.

JacquesHammer · 26/10/2019 09:07

Look let's be fair, choosing to have sex is a risk - a higher risk for men

Poor things 🙄

Hey1256 · 26/10/2019 09:10

Look let's be fair, choosing to have sex is a risk - a higher risk for men

Poor things 🙄

Why the sarcasm? Is this a man bashing thread or a thread to talk about the OPs original question?

Yes, yes women are disadvantaged in lots of other ways too but we are not talking about that we are taking about contraception.

Let's not forget about the disadvantages of women (even though nothing to do with this thread) Hmm

JacquesHammer · 26/10/2019 09:14

Yes, yes women are disadvantaged in lots of other ways too but we are not talking about that we are taking about contraception

Are we really bemoaning how unfair it is that men only have the option of condom or vasectomy? Are you campaigning for better contraception options for men in that case?

Given how reproduction works, I think it’s pretty important the cards are stacked in the favour of the woman don’t you?

I can’t spare much sympathy for men whinging about how unfair it is that they might get a woman pregnant when they have sex.

Hey1256 · 26/10/2019 09:20

@JacquesHammer for the record I am a woman.

Though I still just don't understand why the sarcasm and no acknowledgment for the fact that the way contraception is designed is a disadvantage for men. It's stupid.

Yes I can see why it's a disadvantage for men on the basis that having a child is much more disruptive for the woman so should be her choice to decide but in a ideal world both should have equal power.

This isn't defending men or campaigning for them to have contraception that's up to them I couldn't care less, it's just a fact, I'm not suggesting I agree with that fact or am in favour of it but to deny it is the way of the world is just stupid.

Here we go again though a thread turns defensive at the thought that a man could ever be at a disadvantage for something, ffs

JacquesHammer · 26/10/2019 09:24

Though I still just don't understand why the sarcasm and no acknowledgment for the fact that the way contraception is designed is a disadvantage for men. It's stupid

The point still stands - why arent men campaigning for better contraception options for themselves?

The reason there are more options for women is the fact that they get pregnant. It’s biology.

If there was a male pill would I trust it 100% if a pregnancy would be a disaster? Absolutely not - I would ensure the man wore a condom too.

Let’s face it, the main “disadvantage” to a man is that on the whole they don’t want to bother with condoms.

happyasasandboy · 26/10/2019 09:26

All contraception has a failure rate. If you have sex you risk becoming a parent. Simple as that.

This. I have recently become pregnant despite a vasectomy (which we now know has failed) and being on the pill. It happens.