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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she a CF or I'm being mean?

291 replies

alreadyinchristmasmood · 25/10/2019 13:36

Name changed as she might be on here and I don't want this to be linked to my usual username.

Here's my AIBU, I am trying to be as short as possible.

I'm 29 and I decided to go back to uni for my second degree last year. I met a girl who's a bit older than me and has 5 children (relevant). I work full time (though quite flexible) while doing my degree so life is a bit hectic, I feel shattered pretty much all the time. I go to uni to most of the classes (this requires a lot of effort) and take relevant and very organised notes (on my laptop). Some of the classes don't even have course material so it's just the book and what the professor says in class.

So this woman, let's call her X became my friend last year, in the first year of uni. She seemed really nice and I always kept her a seat next to me (always front or second row as otherwise you can't hear anything!) as she was always late (she still is). She kept saying that she's really busy with the children (she doesn't work) and asked for some of my notes which I was happy to help with.

Problem is now she's always late, rolls in 15-20 minutes after the class started and she sits next to me in the front row. She asks pretty much everyday for notes and I've been too ashamed to say no so far.

I realised she's taking the piss last week when she's been in town to have lunch (while I was waiting at uni for class, didn't eat anything in that day), came in 45 mins later and asked for my notes

I don't want to help her anymore because I feel it's only me who is pulling the weight in this relationship and she's taking the piss. She doesn't even say thanks anymore!

AIBU? If I'm not being unreasonable how can I be assertive?

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 25/10/2019 13:39

I am amazed she hasn’t been pulled up on her lateness by a lecturer! I would stop saving her a seat for a start.

Needbettername · 25/10/2019 13:39

Start by not keeping her a seat anymore.

Original poster
alreadyinchristmasmood · 25/10/2019 13:39

@TheFlis12345 she tells all lecturers and tutors that she has children and how many and they all seem to be impressed by it ffs

OP posts:
Brefugee · 25/10/2019 13:40

Say "no".
Sorry, it is as simple as that.

If you want to be a bit explainy you can say "prof X noticed I'd been sharing my notes and warned me to be careful about plagarism* (sp?)" and leave it at that.

*flipping heck - I'm having a real brain fart. how do you spell it?

Original poster
alreadyinchristmasmood · 25/10/2019 13:41

Forgot to mention that God forbid someone says they had a hard day, she'll let you know how hard her day was with 5 children.

OP posts:
JustHereWithPopcorn · 25/10/2019 13:42

Firstly I would stop saving her a seat and try and avoid her if possible so she can't ask for your notes! Hopefully she would get the hint soon

slipperywhensparticus · 25/10/2019 13:43

Can you write shorthand notes?

Apolloanddaphne · 25/10/2019 13:45

If she can't commit to the course then she shouldn't be doing it. Does she get her work handed in on time?

I would be inclined to say to her that you cannot keep giving her your notes. She really needs to commit more time to the coursework and you are actually doing her a disservice by doing this.

MadnessInMethod · 25/10/2019 13:45

First - stop saving her a seat... I bet that’s going down a treat with your fellow students who make the effort to get to class on time and can’t get a front row seat where they can hear anything because of you Hmm. I’d have told you to move your shit off the seat and sat myself down long ago.

Second just a simple “no” will do. Or “I need them to do x y z/homework/reread them/the dog ate them” if you haven’t got the backbone to go with a straight no.

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/10/2019 13:46

I did full-time university with 4 children. Somehow I managed to attend all my lectures and seminars on time. Next time sit somewhere where she can't sit next to you. It's going to be embarrassing but say no when she does ask for your notes. Or, assuming you're emailing her edit them so they are crap.

butmynameisveronica · 25/10/2019 13:46

Have you got a laptop or do you handwrite your notes? Further to what @slipperywhensparticus says, could you switch to shorthand or very scruffy notes that are written specifically in your style?

It's a bit non-confrontational I know, but I am aware of what you're saying about her 'trump card' of having five kids.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 25/10/2019 13:47

I can see why you'd be annoyed but also feel awkward - can you raise it in a way that makes it clear you'd like the friendship to continue, just without the admin ?

I think if you try to make a joke out of it, it will get weird, so could you say something like "look, I know it's hard to get to class on time sometimes, but I'm starting to feel like I'm your secretary! It makes me feel awkward to be asked to let you copy my work all the time - can we stop sharing notes and just go back to being normal friends?"

Her response will tell you a lot - an actual friend will apologise and keep wanting to hang out. A CF will try to make you feel guilty.

Didicat · 25/10/2019 13:47

Go one step further an write notes in your own personal shorthand that you can understand but won’t make sense to anyone else. I did this without realising and no one borrowed my notes as to them it read like nonsense.

YoTheGinPussyOfStMawesOnThigh · 25/10/2019 13:48

I am a tutor and would not be impressed or remotely interested in the number of children the CF has. You need to get rid, she is no doubt disrupting everyone when she comes into the lecture late and dragging you down by associating with her.

She would in the words of Ru Paul, be asked to Sashay away and sort herself out.

isseywith4vampirecats · 25/10/2019 13:52

dont most unis put lecture notes on blackboard or equivelant my OH has just retired from lecturing and he used to do this tell her that using your notes could be construed as plagiarism and if she copies yours word for word both of you could get into trouble

Misknit · 25/10/2019 13:54

If you are typing up notes I can see why she thinks it's really easy to just send them to her. If you want a really good reason to switch to handwritten notes, just tell her you've read the research that shows you'll remember 7x more through writing by hand in lectures. This is simply because you are forced to think harder as you can't write as quickly as you type so you have to filter what you are hearing to the relevant points. If you use the Cornell note tracking method you will have to take your lecture notes home to read over and write your questions and summaries.

SummerHouse · 25/10/2019 13:57

It wouldn't bother me. It doesn't really affect you does it? I can't imagine it's as good to have someone else's notes as it is to be there in person. She is jepodising her result anyway but you are doing her a great kindness. I would just carry on if it's no great effort. It's not like she is asking for your assignments.

CatsOnCatnip · 25/10/2019 14:01

Maybe tell her, next time she asks, that she doesn’t seem to be getting much out of the experience and your notes won’t be the same as actually hearing the lecture and that you worry she might struggle when it’s exam time. Because she really will if she can’t even be on time for the thing she’s signed up for.

NKFell · 25/10/2019 14:02

Just tell her you don't mind the odd time but not every time, if she's a friend she'll understand.

loobyloo1234 · 25/10/2019 14:03

Sit between two people so she can't sit next to you anymore

Beautiful3 · 25/10/2019 14:04

I would edit your notes and send her ones that are short and dont make much sense. She wont ask again!

Original poster
alreadyinchristmasmood · 25/10/2019 14:04

This is not in the UK, forgot to mention. Most lecturers don't offer coursework (except the books which she won't read). She got amazing marks in exams and she admited herself it's thanks to my notes. Also thanks to my notes she gets monthly student academic award (roughly €200).

It's actually great effort to stay focused for 2 hours and make good notes (they're really detailed as I'm a fast typer). It affects me in the sense that I leave home at 7.30 AM and get home at 8 PM and she gets it all without actually being there....

OP posts:
adaline · 25/10/2019 14:04

Sit next to someone else so she can no longer sit next to you.

Cheeky madam!

Willow2017 · 25/10/2019 14:06

She is a c.f.

She is using you to do her work for her. Why should she make time to get to classes if you are doing it for her? She should have thought all the timescales through before starting the course.

In an emergency I would help out anyone but this is just her expectation of you from now on.

And if you are handing in work the lecturer will soon realise she is parroting your work or may even call you out to see if it's you copying her.

Just say no. Tell her you have a busy life too and cant keep doing the work for her. You are not her secretary. (Good for her doing this but if she cannot get to class then it's not anyone else's responsibility to carry her) Tell her if she is having trouble getting to classes there will be student services who can probably advise her on how to deal with this (Although it's her responsibility at the end of the day)

It's nobody else's fault she has 5 kids others have different circumstances but are just as hectic she isn't a special case.

Good luck on your degree.

IfIShouldFallFromGraceWithGod · 25/10/2019 14:06

She is definitely a CF
FINEWORDSFORAPORCUPINE Has a good response

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