Is she a CF or I'm being mean?

[alreadyinchristmasmood]

Name changed as she might be on here and I don't want this to be linked to my usual username.

Here's my AIBU, I am trying to be as short as possible.

I'm 29 and I decided to go back to uni for my second degree last year. I met a girl who's a bit older than me and has 5 children (relevant). I work full time (though quite flexible) while doing my degree so life is a bit hectic, I feel shattered pretty much all the time. I go to uni to most of the classes (this requires a lot of effort) and take relevant and very organised notes (on my laptop). Some of the classes don't even have course material so it's just the book and what the professor says in class.

So this woman, let's call her X became my friend last year, in the first year of uni. She seemed really nice and I always kept her a seat next to me (always front or second row as otherwise you can't hear anything!) as she was always late (she still is). She kept saying that she's really busy with the children (she doesn't work) and asked for some of my notes which I was happy to help with.

Problem is now she's always late, rolls in 15-20 minutes after the class started and she sits next to me in the front row. She asks pretty much everyday for notes and I've been too ashamed to say no so far.

I realised she's taking the piss last week when she's been in town to have lunch (while I was waiting at uni for class, didn't eat anything in that day), came in 45 mins later and asked for my notes

I don't want to help her anymore because I feel it's only me who is pulling the weight in this relationship and she's taking the piss. She doesn't even say thanks anymore!

AIBU? If I'm not being unreasonable how can I be assertive?

I think I'd do 2 things. Firstly stop saving her a seat, and secondly I'd put a mark in my notes at the point she arrived and only send her that portion.

The CF wants to be a lawyer? She can’t use her 5 kids as an excuse for missing a deadline or being late to a meeting or even a court hearing. She’d best get practicing being on time!

I bet she made it to the exam on time? She has no regard for you or the lecturer. Bin her now.

And watch her marks decline.

She's not a friend, she's a using pisstaker! FFS. Don't want to make your life difficult, don't go to uni when you have 5 kids and grouse about it.

Exactly, DPotter, law is by its nature a course that requires discussion and boundaries and so you need to develop those. No one wants a pushover solicitor, except perhaps the opposing counsel, who can sniff that out like a shark does blood.

That saving seats biz would have done my nut. If I show up early enough to lecture, unless the lecturer has assigned seats, then it's first come, first served. If someone tells me they're 'saving a seat' like we're in P1 I'd look at them glaikit and sit down, wouldn't have a lick of problem with how miffed the other person got, either, because I'd think they needed to grow up. 'I was saving that seat!' 'It's first come, first served' and go back to my laptop or phone. Can't be arsed with that type of silliness.

Bet that's been pissing people off on its own, especially if she strides in late and interrupts the lecture, you can sure the lecturer has noticed, I used to work as a department coordinator and they always noticed things like this.

You're very welcome. Let that Tiger out!

Good luck!!

You could say that the head of the course has been told you are handing over the notes and has asked you to stop.

I liked to sit at the front, anyhow, as then I didn't have to use my varifocals, which can give me a headache if I beam my eyes up and down too much or too quickly, and could just use my single lens glasses to look up at the lecturer or screen and down at my notes so if anyone was trying to save such a seat in a first-come, first-served setting, I'd let them know that and that is why I made the effort to get there early.

It wouldn't bother me. It doesn't really affect you does it?

Yes it bloody does - a good notetaker is a rare and valuable creature with a price above rubies, believe you me!

This CF will just put together her own essays etc from *OP's8 notes. There may be similarities. One day there may be concerns about cheating. BOTH of them will suffer for this.

You're right that the woman won't benefit to the degree that she would if she turned up, listened to the lecture and took her own notes - but she obviously doesn't give a damn. She wants to get a degree with as little effort on her own behalf as possible - because, you know - FIVE CHILDREN!

I have also been caught like this and in retrospect I should have nipped it in the bud - but it's very hard to do. After all, as a one-off it's not a problem, it's when it becomes a regular piss-take that it is, and by then the pattern is set.

I think your lecturers are incredibly lax, though. One of my first-year psychology lecturers refused to let anyone in who arrived after he had started to speak - he didn't listen to excuses, just told them to get out and also made sure everybody in the hall knew who it was creeping in and trying to disappear into the crowd.

He was an extreme example, but most would not allow anyone to enter the hall if they were more than five minutes after the start time. And didn't;t allow kept seats - for heaven's sake - you're grown ups. You don't need to sit next to your BFF!

Just keep "forgetting" to keep a seat and "forgetting" to supply your notes.

And good luck with your degree. As long as you focus and keep working the way you are now, you will ace it!

I wouldn't want her doing any legal work on my behalf if she hasn't fully earned her own degree. But I digress.

A student coming late into lectures disturbs the flow for everyone. Even more so when they sit at the front instead of slipping in at the back. The fact that you have to 'save' her a seat suggests that others would like to sit there for the same reason as you. And as a repeat offender she'll get short shrift from your peers in the group. They may not say anything to her face, but trust me they'll be talking about her behind her back. They'll also be talking about you, because they'll think that you're complicit in enabling her to do what she's doing. (Which you are - complicit, I mean.)

You have every right to say that you are taking your notes for your own use. Say no next time she asks, and don't save her a seat either. If she wants this degree, then she has to be the one to work for it.

I'm glad you've decided to put an end to this. The last thing you want is to potentially invalidate all of your hard work because she wants to steal it, out of pure laziness.

On your notes go to
"select all"
"copy"

paste into google translate and select translate into Russian.

Tell her you were super busy and Russian all morning!

paste into google translate and select translate into Russian

Oooh! I like this idea - but not Russian - it's too obviously recognisable and she could Google translate back (though there would be a lot of mistranslations)

Try Tagalog - not may people will recognise that language very easily.

(Though maybe the mistranslation back from Russian would cause her even more problems . . .

@CuriouslyCuriously 😂😂😂😂😂😂 l

@alreadyinchristmasmood which answers the question and makes it clear you don’t want to be friends with her so why is this an issue? You help friends but it’s not the same when it’s someone you don’t care about. Just be assertive and say no. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Surely she’s a friend? I’d give my friend my notes. It really wouldn’t bother me.

All the time, even when it's blatantly obvious that you are being used because she doesn't bother to try to get there on time? When she's taking all the credit for using your notes for assessments etc?

Perhaps your notes will be the difference in them having a better long term upbringing or not.

The children's upbringing is definitely not OP's responsibility. If this person can't cope without making other people do all the work, she shouldn't be on the course, and she definitely shouldn't be contemplating a professional career.

Another who thinks you're basically doing her degree for her - just find a way to cut her off, especially since Law is so complex she really needs to be doing that learning herself anyway.
If I were a tutor I wouldn't be interested in how many kids she had, either. It's her responsibility to get to uni on time - other people with kids manage!

Notes are personal, and sometimes include snippets other class mates have not written. You can either be frank with her and tell her you didn't mind the once, but asking each week is not on, or you tell her that the tutor has commented about note sharing, or you go to your tutor and explain what has happened, the tutor may ask to see everyones notes, or give a sermon on sharing notes. If you cannot talk to the tutor see a student liason officer for advice.

She's not doing the degree for her, because law is about understanding the law and being able to create cohesive arguments associated with if. No notes will provide that ever. Law also has a large amount of self study unless it's a very low end uni.

Op, if you don't want to either make the notes shorter, forget to send them to her, or say they are shit

Maybe baby steps OP....do you know others in the class - maybe explain that this friend is being a CF and you could appreciate some support - maybe they could sit next to you, so CF cant.

Then when CF asks for your notes, just say no, I cant keep carrying you through your degree, I'm not your PA.

It might feel shit, but hey, assertiveness is a key skill that you need to master.

You have to say no ASAP

Smile and say "sorry I was happy to help once or twice but that's all" and just repeat that sentence

The real risk here is that you get embroiled in a plagiarism query by her copying your phrases and ideas from your notes (it's really her doing that but you'll get dragged Into it)

She got amazing marks in exams and she admited herself it's thanks to my notes. Also thanks to my notes she gets monthly student academic award (roughly €200).

Why don't you get the monthly academic award with your notes?

If you're finding saying 'no more' too difficult, suddenly become super hectic at work and keep fogetting to send them.
Or, maybe you could have a 'quiet word' with the lecturer and say your quite worried she's not coping as she wants your notes after EVERY lecture.

I read the title and decided the person was a CF before even reading your post OP!!

You could do a variety of things:

• don't save her a seat and leave sharpish after the lecture so she can't ask for your notes. If she does manage say no. This will hammer the message home very quickly.

• text her today and say you won't be giving her your notes any more, she'll need to turn up to lectures in good time in future. And then stick to that, and at least she's had warning.

Basically she's not your friend, she's using you and being nice because she's getting something out of it. Although doesn't sound like she's even being nice anymore...

Jesus wept! Grow up! None of this roping in the lecturer or other people in the class to gang up on this gal is going to make you look like anything more than a teenager in secondary school trying to make a drama out of problems that are of her own making. Even my own teens would be like, 'Tell her no then!'

You're on a law course and were saving this gal a seat in the front rows despite being adults. I'm surprised the lecturers or others haven't pulled you up on that alone.

You're on a law course and you're handing over your notes and putting your career at risk if she starts turning in work based on them and you get accused of plagiarism.

STOP saving her a bloody seat. She gets there late that's her lookout. Send her a message: I can't give you my notes anymore or save you a seat. You'll need to make your own arrangements.

You're 29, not 13.

Say sure and save you own copy then send her one heavily altered. Once she started struggling you light find she’s less interested in your notes.