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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she a CF or I'm being mean?

291 replies

alreadyinchristmasmood · 25/10/2019 13:36

Name changed as she might be on here and I don't want this to be linked to my usual username.

Here's my AIBU, I am trying to be as short as possible.

I'm 29 and I decided to go back to uni for my second degree last year. I met a girl who's a bit older than me and has 5 children (relevant). I work full time (though quite flexible) while doing my degree so life is a bit hectic, I feel shattered pretty much all the time. I go to uni to most of the classes (this requires a lot of effort) and take relevant and very organised notes (on my laptop). Some of the classes don't even have course material so it's just the book and what the professor says in class.

So this woman, let's call her X became my friend last year, in the first year of uni. She seemed really nice and I always kept her a seat next to me (always front or second row as otherwise you can't hear anything!) as she was always late (she still is). She kept saying that she's really busy with the children (she doesn't work) and asked for some of my notes which I was happy to help with.

Problem is now she's always late, rolls in 15-20 minutes after the class started and she sits next to me in the front row. She asks pretty much everyday for notes and I've been too ashamed to say no so far.

I realised she's taking the piss last week when she's been in town to have lunch (while I was waiting at uni for class, didn't eat anything in that day), came in 45 mins later and asked for my notes

I don't want to help her anymore because I feel it's only me who is pulling the weight in this relationship and she's taking the piss. She doesn't even say thanks anymore!

AIBU? If I'm not being unreasonable how can I be assertive?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/10/2019 17:27

I'm pretty sure if I say no, this "friendship" will be over

This tells you everything you need to know then, doesn't it?

Personally I'd just tell her, but if you're worried about confrontation, simply say the lecturer told you at the start of the class and that they're not happy about the extent of the sharing, so you can't do it any more. A decent lecturer really wouldn't like this, and since she's always late she won't know what was or wasn't said anyway

1Wildheartsease · 25/10/2019 17:40

If you can't say 'no' - then give her a short version of your notes. (Just remove the detail.)
Don't sit with her any more. Look for new study companions.

timshelthechoice · 25/10/2019 17:41

If I were the lecturer I'd be fuming that an adult involved me in her squabble with some pisstaker and expected me to play the role of schoolyard monitor, because this 'friend' has more front than Sainsbury's and putting the blame on the lecturer she might even go to him/her herself to plead a case, no pun intended.

Pembsgirl · 25/10/2019 17:42

If you really can't face telling her 'no' face to face, then as a last resort email or text her and tell her that you won't be sharing your notes anymore, as you feel that she's taking advantage and it is encouraging her not to get to lectures on time, etc.

However, bracing yourself to tell her face to face will serve you much better, because as PP's have said, you need to be prepared to speak up for your clients when you are a lawyer or whatever, so now's a good time to summon up your courage, if you like, pretend that you're representing a client, and just tell her outright "I'm sorry, I'm no longer prepared to share my notes, as I think it's wrong. The odd occasion was OK, but I now feel that I'm enabling you to obtain a qualification that you haven't earned, and that has to stop!"

You CAN do it!!

mankyfourthtoe · 25/10/2019 17:49

I'd email now to stop the awkward conversation.
Hi not friend.
A professor stopped me the other night as he'd heard you ask for notes. He warned against it re plagiarism. So just as a heads up I won't be able to do that again.

(And stop saving her a seat)

Wonkybanana · 25/10/2019 17:55

Just a word - sharing notes isn't plagiarism. Neither is her writing her own notes word for word from yours. Plagiarism is when you submit work for assessment, whether that's a uni essay or a paper for publication, that includes exactly or very nearly the same information in the same form, with the same or very similar wording. So please don't tell her anyone's said anything to you about note sharing being plagiarism, she can come straight back at you and (rightly) say no it isn't.

thinkfast · 25/10/2019 18:07

Are you training to be a lawyer OP?

In the UK, being able to say no (when appropriate) and acting with integrity are 2 really important skills for a lawyer, even if it means losing a friend/colleague/client. This really shouldn't be a difficult thing for you to politely push back on and put an end to.

FavouriteSoul · 25/10/2019 18:29

Do you see her anywhere else other than at uni lectures? If not, then make yourself unavailable, sit somewhere else and stop saving her a sea. If she asks for your notes, tell her you didn't take any. Gradually withdraw and no doubt she'll find another person willing to help her out and latch on to them for what they can do for her.

fedup21 · 25/10/2019 18:42

Also thanks to my notes she gets monthly student academic award (roughly €200).

How?

Why aren’t you getting that £200 award?

WaningGibbous · 25/10/2019 18:47

It's nearly 25 years since I left university but I still remember the girl who copied loads of my notes and got a first. Unlike me Hmm

I saw something on Twitter recently where a bunch of students were asking in a group chat for notes from a 9am lecture. One guy just sent a photo of his handwritten note which just said "set an alarm"

insanepizza · 25/10/2019 19:08

She is using you because you make her life so easy. Sadly you've been taken advantage of. Don't worry about ending this 'friendship' as, although it may have started out as a friendship, it most certainly no longer is.

Original poster
alreadyinchristmasmood · 25/10/2019 19:34

@fedup21 I am. About 50 people do (the first 50) but she's in there too

OP posts:
Original poster
alreadyinchristmasmood · 25/10/2019 19:40

Thanks everyone for your input, it's been really helpful. I've always had issues in certain relationships (definitely not all of them, thankfully), to be assertive.

I won't giver her altered notes because that would make me be just like her and I don't want that, so I guess I'll just have to grow a backbone and tell her frankly.

I can't help but feel like I'm such a mean person, but I'm not. I like helping people and I don't judge anyone's life, but this is taking over mine and I feel used, especially when I think about the fact that whenever we met for coffee she was late (one time I even left because it was close to an hour!) and I just feel like she's not bringing anything to the table.

Thanks again, everyone, you've been far too kind

OP posts:
PixieDustt · 25/10/2019 19:48

Tell her to ask for the handout/slides and make her own notes

insanepizza · 25/10/2019 19:54

@alreadyinchristmasmood
Some ways whilst you grow some assertiveness are to say
'Let me think about it'
'I'll get back to you'
'That doesn't work for me this week'

You can say 'actually, I have been warned against doing this so can No longer continue this arrangement', her 'who warned you?' You if really can't talk about that'. The fact your warning has come from
Mumsnet doesn't matter!

Original poster
alreadyinchristmasmood · 25/10/2019 19:56

@insanepizza I swear this is a bit confusing to me as in every other way I'm a fully responsibile adult, with a good personal life, a good job, a nice home, and on this thread I sound like a 15 year old. I think even 15 year old teenagers are more assertive these days!

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 25/10/2019 20:13

You could say to her it's her turn to save you a seat and take notes. See what she says to that...

LeGrandBleu · 25/10/2019 20:32

Like you, I am kind and helpful and people have not only taken advantage of it but abused it. This is when resentment comes into the picture and therefor, helping out, doesn't make me feel good but only brings bitterness.

The friendship - if there ever was any - is ruined anyway , so you are not losing anything by saying " I am glad I have been able to help you for all these weeks, but I don't want to share my notes anymore as it makes me feel used and it is not a nice feeling. "

fedup21 · 25/10/2019 20:35

You could say to her it's her turn to save you a seat and take notes. See what she says to that...

She’ll probably just whine about having loads more kids than the OP Hmm.

WildfirePonie · 25/10/2019 21:25

YANBU.

And have you ever met her 5 kids?

TowelNumber42 · 25/10/2019 22:25

When I was learning how not to be a doormat I found the phrase "I'm not comfortable with this anymore" to be incredibly useful. Now I just tell people, with a smile, to fuck the fuck off

That phrase is about you not them, which means their response tells you buckets:

A) Fellow doormats who have made a mistake fall over themselves to apologise in mad excessive terms
They unilaterally decide upon ways to "make it better" and self flagellate loudly about how awful they are. You need to back away. Don't fall into the trap of telling them it is fine, don't worry. Grey rock.
B) Normal emotionally mature adults will express slight upset and surprise then say something like "Oh, I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. I hadn't realised. I'd hate to be the cause of you feeling like so. Help me understand. Tell me, what about this makes you feel uncomfortable?" Followed by a thoughtful adult conversation where you take turns talking and listening.
C) If they dismiss you or argue with you then they are selfish takers who would sell their grandmother. You know how you feel, another person cannot. Telling you you are wrong is therefore a sign of manipulation.

Find out which she is as fast as possible. Then act accordingly.

TowelNumber42 · 25/10/2019 22:29

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In this infectiously positive book Jia shares what he learned in his 100 Days of Rejection, explaining how to turn a 'no' into a 'yes', and revealing how you too can become Rejection Proof and achieve your dreams.

WaggleWiggle · 25/10/2019 22:57

She’s arriving late because are knows she won’t miss anything. Make sure that she does.

Take a really really crap page of scrawled ‘notes’ that you’ve spent two mins copying from a text book with you to the class. No full sentences, just odd words and phrases that will mean pretty much f all. When she turns up, keep your proper notes covered. When she asks for your notes, give her the shit ones instead. Tell her you’re trying to find a shorthand way to take notes.

That’s the hard way though. The best way is to just stop saving her a seat and deliberately sit next to other people. Or do what someone else suggested and tell her you aren’t her secretary.

WaggleWiggle · 25/10/2019 22:58

Ps you not wanting to give her altered notes shows how nice you are. Too nice!

LeGrandBleu · 25/10/2019 23:54

I'm not comfortable with this anymore
I like that!

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